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PSA – No Booze, No Sweets
This is a Public Service Announcement.
In an effort to prepare the public for possible threats of violence, sarcasm, mood swings and emotional breakdowns, the FAIL (Federation of Ambitious and Idiotic Lenters) issue public service announcements when one of their parishioners is embarking on an overly ambitious Lenten gesture.
The following FAIL PSA has just been issued for the Northern California area:
Paige Morgan, a well-meaning, but off-balance, Catholic, has announced that she will be giving up all sweets and liquor for Lent. Yes, you read that correctly: ALL sweets and ALL alcohol. The FAIL is concerned because Paige does not get through a day without a sweet, a drink or both. We feel that the level of her Lenten commitment may put others at risk. Without sweets in particular, Paige has a history of irritability, unexplained bouts of crying shopping, and irrational behavior. Detailed medical analysis have found that Paige is kept balanced by a consistent diet of chocolate and wine (or beer or Captain).
The following precautions should be taken:
- Do not give your children sweets in front of her. She may inadvertently devour small children in an attempt to eat the treat.
- Hide your cough syrup and witch hazel – we fear she may try to concoct unusual cocktails.
- Keep your doors locked at night. This kind of deprivation may cause her to sleep walk and seek out the M&M’s between your couch cushions.
- Do not threaten, harm or otherwise upset her children (she will be doing enough of that herself). The crazy mama bear is 67% more crazy for the next 40 days!
- Hide your rubber cement, self-tanners and Bedazzlers. Paige has a history of taking on other vices to cope with giving up her addictions.
- If you find her in public, wild-eyed, disoriented and
disheveledmore than disheveled than usual, send her directly to the Betty Crocker Clinic – they know her well there. - If you know a good hostage negotiator, keep them on speed dial. We especially fear for employees of Baskin Robbins, Mrs. Fields, Godiva and the local liquor store.
Avoid interaction with her during Lent, but should you have an unavoidable encounter, talk to her in a soothing voice the way you would calm an overtired preschooler. Offer her something furry to cuddle with and remind her that good girls get pony rides. But don’t offer her a balloon – she may mistake it for a giant jelly bean and try to eat it.
For those of you wondering how she will complete her Wine Wednesday postings, Paige has decided to consume wine (and eat sweets) for the next 24 hours straight before she starts Lent on Wednesday. Keep this in mind as her posts may be confusing, hard to follow her normal incoherent rambles.
Have you ever given up one (or more) of your vices? How did it go?
My plan for Tuesday night...
A Man and His Drink
Let’s start with any easy one:
The party animal can down a pitcher of cheap suds before you can say Natural Light. He’s also most likely to end up working construction, building his beer belly faster than he builds houses.
Then you have the more sophisticated beer drinker. He’s tested the waters/taps/breweries and discovered a taste for the subtleties of a well brewed stout, pilsner or bock. This guy is a thinker, maybe a little staid but more likely to be able to carry on a conversation well into his third or fourth tankard.
How about those scotch drinkers? Talk about your somber character! He’s probably a silent drunk, never letting you into his mind, unless it’s to spout his opinion on politics. Also, more often a taker or a bore in bed.
A straight man who prefers to drink white wine needs to do some soul searching about his sexuality. Seriously.
Fruity concoctions? If not consumed on the beach or vacation, see my notes on white wine drinkers. Exception to this rule: Margarita and sangria drinkers. They know what they like and are confident in their manhood. Also, they know how to please a lady or look really good in their swim trunks.
Oh, you’re wondering about doing shots? Come on, that’s just a guy who’s late to the party and trying to catch up. He’s also more likely to pass out on you before getting down to business, if you know what I’m saying..
Of course there are exceptions to every rule and people do change. A certain gentleman, who will remain nameless, recently admitted to drinking Zimas. But I’d like to think he has redeeming qualities.
And yes, I’m happy to make sweeping unfounded generalizations about your guy too.
10 Lessons From a Girl’s Weekend
I had a fabulous girls weekend. Friday night was book club a passion party and Saturday I left for San Francisco for some quality time with my cousin (who is more like a sister). I had a wonderful weekend full of laughs, yummy food and female bonding, but certainly learned a few lessons:
- When soup boils over, do not grab a wet paper towel to pull the grate off the burner, in order to clean it immediately. Fight the OCD impulses, wait until the stove has cooled down and never use a wet towel – paper or otherwise.
- When hosting a passion party, not only do you need to have the kids out of the house, but they need to remain out of the house until you do a full cleaning. Check under the sofa to make sure there are no passion party product catalogs that your kids can find.
- When departing for the city – listen to the advice you give your kids – go potty before you leave. While you may not be conspicuous running through Union Square doing the pee pee (or worse) dance, it can be uncomfortable and the thought of not making it to the hotel bathroom frightening.
- When driving to any big city, choose your car wisely. The biggest SUV on the road is not the best choice. If you have no other vehicle option, make sure you know the height restrictions of the parking garage AND the height of your car. Accuracy is important here, otherwise one might learn what those metal tube height signs sound like when they scrape the top of your car. Luggage racks can act as the
sacrifical lamblife saver in this situation. - Valet parking (with the additional oversize vehicle fee) at the hotel is expensive, but slightly less than the deductible on your car insurance. Suck it up when the valet mentions your car is not the best choice for the city.
- Eating your way through San Francisco may sound like a
goodgreat idea, but should be left to the professionals. Over eating can lead to food coma which can cause falling asleep during the previews of a movie and one should be careful about sleeping in the Metreon. Three such food comas in 24 hours probably isn’t healthy and may result in a sleepless night, despite the Heavenly Bed. - Check your cell phone alarm clock and ensure it is off. Waking up at 6:00 am on a girls weekend after a night of food coma fall-out can be hazardous.
- If you plan to shop in the city, tell your husband in advance to avoid shell shock. If you don’t plan to shop in the city, you’re just fooling yourself. Shopping in the city is as unavoidable as encountering crazy, ranting women with black eyes and missing teeth.
- When a man is sitting in the park with a sign that says “Free Advice”, you should stop and listen. It can’t be worse than the advice we give our friends.
- There is nothing better for your soul than a weekend of girl time (and nothing worse for your waist line).
What Your Beverage Says About You
My friend over at A Diary of a Mad Woman was discussing how she identified her future husband in part by his choice of beers. (Ask me how much I love this!) We started chatting back and forth and I decided to amuse you with my ultra scientific analysis of what your beverage of choice says about you.
This analysis is just for fun. I am not a psychiatrist, bartender or any other kind of expert. But I am blatant abuser of stereotypes and generalizations!
Wine – Your goal is to remain in control or at least appear to be trying. You’re sophisticated and you have a keen understanding of what you want out of life. I know this because you have taken the time to figure out if you’re a cab girl or a Pinot girl.
Champagne – You fall into one of two camps – crazy like my friend Sarah who can drink six bottles in an evening or somebody who enjoys parties, celebrations and savoring important moments. You may or may not scrapbook.
Jagermeister – You are a good time and we should hang out. I am teased for my love of Jager, but I seem to have a better tolerance for that than champagne, so for me it’s the responsible party drink what I choose when I am looking to go big!
Jack Daniels – Damn girl, you’re hard-core and can hang with boys. I am in awe of you and slightly afraid of you.
Spiced Rum – Captain Morgan and Sailor Jerry are my boyfriends. If you like the spiced rum, you are my sister and love to have a good time. You like Jimmy Buffet and vacations in the sun!
Martinis – It really depends on what kind.
- If you drink a classic martini, you are sophisticated, classy and therefore I have never met you. I suspect you are smart, powerful and own several Hermes scarves.
- If you drink dirty martinis – do I even have to explain this one?!
- If you drink Cosmopolitan’s you love girls’ night out and have a romantic side.
Margaritas – You are fun! You love the summertime, sunshine and get-togethers with friends. You are easy-going but know what you like. I have never met a margarita drinker I didn’t like.
Beer – This is another one that depends on the type of beer.
- If you drink Guinness or Guinness blends (like black and tans) you are a guys girl and like sports.
- If you drink Coors Light, you are a classic. If you’re a true fan of the silver bullet, you have multiple uses for duct tape. Either way, you’re fun and easy-going.
- If you drink Corona or Pacifico – see Margarita and call me!
- If you drink any other beer, you’re a bit of an aficionado and I would need to break down your personality further in a separate consultation. But I am willing, just tell me what bar we’re meeting at.
Vodka – You vodka drinkers are a mixed bag because there are so many different ways to consume the vodka.
- You could be one of the sturdy ones who can drink without ever falling down or making an ass of herself. These vodka drinkers are independent, loyal and wise.
- Or you could be the train wreck who typically drinks to the point of disaster. You are a ton of fun until the wheels come off the track. You’re personality is a little hard to pin down, but it involves a wide range of emotions.
- Or you could be the unpredictable vodka drinker who waffles between civilized and intelligent and lunatic. You’re a hoot to place bets on! You’re fun, sweet and a little off-balance.
- Then there are the rest of the vodka drinkers, I need to conduct more research on this population.
Trendy Drinker – Then there is the girl who knows the latest it cocktail. Past trendy drinks have been the Bellini, the Cosmo, the Mojito, the Pomegranate Martini, the Jalapeno Martini and many more that I am not trendy enough to know. You have a great eye for fashion, a great job, a rich partner or high credit card balance. You also know the hottest spots to drink the trendiest cocktails.
I have drunk all of the above and have a little of all most of the above personalities, so again for humor, not criticism. How did I do? Do you agree? Disagree? Want to fight it out over happy hour?
For my male readers, if you comment on this post that you want me to write the male version I will. If you think you can handle it…
A Pissed Off Purse
The following is a guest post from Pursey Gallore who I hosted for the weekend. Pursey is a sassy, sequins, zebra purse, who travels the country to raise awareness and money for The American Stroke Association as the Ambassador for Project: Purse and Boots. You have heard of hostile witnesses in court right? Well I would like to declare Pursey as a hostile guest blogger. Ouch! She’s pushing me off the keyboard…
I had high hopes for my weekend with Paige. She assured Lori, my rightful owner, I would be treated to a fabulous snow vacation. She tempted me with talk of great meals, phenomenal wine and wild company (you know how I love to have a good time)!
I arrived on Wednesday and things started out well. Within an hour of my arrival, Paige whisked my off to the salon for a little “maintenance”. I thought it was a good sign that Paige understood my grooming needs and that with constant travel, a purse needs a little attention from time to time.
The next morning we popped into her dentist office. I really appreciated Paige’s attention to detail when it came to my maintenance. I also thought, any gal who was the meticulous about getting ready for vacation was going to treat me to one fabulous trip…
Thursday night, Paige took me out for sushi and introduced me to another bag. This bag was “nice” but I clearly outshined her and she refused to sake bomb! Paige drank diet coke and we were home by 9:00… booorrrinnnggg.
We left Friday morning for the snow. The cabin was lovely. You couldn’t even call it a cabin. It was four bedroom vacation home on almost an acre. They had received a huge snowfall and everything was a picturesque white – all the better for showing off my sequins! BUT, all the snowfall had left the neighborhood without power for TWO DAYS! For those of you who are not as savvy as me, that means there was no heat in the house! Paige was considerate and left me and the kids in the car with the heater until she had built a fire. However, the power did not come back on all night!!! Paige and her family had to sleep on the floor in front of the fire under millions of blankets to stay warm. Sure, she put me close enough to the fire keep me warm, but not close enough to melt me. But where was my blanket?! And I had to sleep on the floor! The conditions were sub-par for celebrity like me! Oh, and p.s.- everyone was too cold to put a dent in the case of wine they brought – we went to bed at 10:00. Booorrrinnngg and fffrreeezzziinnnggg!
The power came on in the middle of night and the morning seemed much brighter. The house was warm and everyone was happy. I heard talk of making up for one rough night. Hallelujah, I was in desperate need of some fun! Then, just as the coffee was being made (I was hoping for a latte), the power went out again! What kind of place did Lori send me?! Did she not ask about contingency power plans?!
Paige and her group decided to make the best of it, we went out to breakfast and then headed to the slopes. As we drove there, I imagined how absolutely fabulous I would look skiing. The sun dancing on my sequins, the snow complementing my pattern. I knew I would be the most fabulous purse on the mountain. I would love the exhilaration of zipping down the hill, I would love the adrenaline rush, I would love the hot totties in the lodge. I WOULD HAVE LOVED TO HAVE NOT BEEN LEFT IN THE CAR!
Apparently, Paige’s husband was worried I would get wet in the snow. He didn’t think Paige could manage me and the camera hag (I mean camera bag). Since they “had” to have pictures of the kids skiing, they decided my snow pictures would be later in the day. I got upstaged by an ugly canvas navy and black camera hag. I will not post a picture, she is SO beneath me.
When the finally returned to the car, they were stuck in the snow. Ha ha ha – karma’s a bitch isn’t it Paige. I laughed as they tried multiple times to get their four-wheel drive truck out of the snow. They finally got us free and we headed for the cabin. We arrived to find NO POWER. While I am pissed about being left in the car, I was relived that Paige was so decisive, she packed up the car and we headed for home. They were in such a hurry to get escape what was clearly hell frozen over, they took NO pictures of me in the snow!
After spending all Sunday at Paige’s house watching her unpack and do laundry, I tried to get on her computer and tweet for help. I was hoping one of my fans would come rescue me, but alas, Paige had not plugged her laptop in yet, I was cut off from the world.
Just when I thought I would die of boredom, I heard Paige on the phone setting up a dirt bike riding trip. Are you kidding me?! Motorcycles?! I love motorcycles! I love anything that goes fast! We arrived Monday at a real log cabin and a private dirt bike track. Okay, this is how I should be treated! I am a VIP! And Paige was a doting hostess (she knew she had ground to make up with me). She took me wherever she was, she introduced me to everybody, she brought me out to sit in the sun, drink wine and watch the bikes. People lined up to take pictures with me, I once again felt like the diva I am.
Paige's daughter and I (she doesn't ride - she's only 3!)
Ed was being silly, but he has a restored Woody that I would love a ride in...
Paige, her family and yours truly
I couldn’t wait for my ride on a quad or dirt bike. I was anticipating the speed, the jumps, and how good I would look doing it! But Paige’s husband, my sworn enemy, again worried about my ‘well-being’. He said the track was too muddy for me to have even a short ride.
I could forgive the no power, cold weather debacle. I could learn to get over being left in the car at the ski resort, but denying me a motorcycle ride is unforgivable.
[Paige fights her way back onto the keyboard.]
Ha ha ha, Pursey, if you think not being allowed on the dirt bike was frustrating. I guess you forgot about our errand on Sunday, you know the trip to Walmart you don’t want to admit to (Pursey is such a Target girl). Well don’t worry, honey, I have got the evidence:
Pursey and Wally
Purse, what do you say we call the weekend a much-needed grooming and resting weekend for you? In return I’ll never post this picture on Bag, Borrow or Steal.
Fine Paige, you win.
xoxo Pursey
10 Signs You Might Be Crazy
I have never claimed to be balanced. I never pretend to have it all figured out. I admit that I am usually barely treading wine. But through personal experience observation I have devised a checklist to determine if one is truly nuts…
- You think you can finally get caught up on your to-do list
with one really productive dayever. - You contemplate a puppy, another baby, a new car and a planning a vacation on the same day.
- You can’t find your cell phone, so you ask a friend to call you. When you hear it ringing on your person, you ask the friend to hold their ear to your body to help figure out which pocket you put your phone in.
- You think that new Justin Bieber movie would be good for date night.
- You use your mom voice when talking to yourself.
- When you can’t find a sitter you convince yourself that the kids would be angels if you take them with you wine tasting.
- You ask your husband to get a vasectomy and hold on to baby gear just in case.
- You think the bright side of canceling a dinner date with your husband is that you get to clean behind the refrigerator.
- You think that your 6-year-old and 3-year-old are now mature enough to accompany you clothes shopping without causing a dismembered mannequin.
- You are planning to give up all alcohol and all sweets for Lent.
If you have experienced any of the above, pour yourself a glass of wine (or beer or chocolate milk) and join me at the Funny Farm.
Disclaimer: I am not a psychologist, tarot card reader, bartender or other professional. This post is for entertainment only and should not be used to treat a mental health condition or ridicule its writer. If you think you might really be crazy, seek professional help, then give them my address.
Checking Into the Betty Crocker Clinic
My name is Paige and I am an addict. I have alluded to it before, but I have a problem with sweets. It is time for an intervention, so I am checking myself into the Betty Crocker Clinic.
What?! There is not a Betty Crocker Clinic?! It’s the Betty Ford Clinic and it’s not for sweets?
Yeah, I like alcohol too, but not as much as sweets.
Now what I do…
Addiction… intervention… 12 steps…
Brilliant! Here are the official 12 steps and my commentary.
- We admitted we were powerless over
alcoholsweets—that our lives had become unmanageable. Um, yeah, check. We have to bake extra cupcakes to ensure there are enough for my kids’ schools because my cravings come first. - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Agreed, that Power is butter, sugar and cocoa – all made by God.
- Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. Totally happy to turn my will and life over to God, what kind of oven does He have? Does He use a hand mixer or a whisk?
- Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Which led to the discovery that I was out of butter.
- Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. I am telling all of you.
- Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. Can He remove the fat from cupcakes too?
- Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. As long as He doesn’t remove the shortening.
- Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. Does this include making amends for stealing my kids Halloween candy? I am not sure I am ready for that…
- Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. If I have to hand over the chocolate, somebody might get hurt.
- Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. I think inventory is essential, if I am wrong, how will I make cookies?
- Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. There’s a dessert called Heavenly Bars, I think that if I eat those while praying, my contact with God should be rock solid.
- Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to
alcoholicssweets-aholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. The bakery kicked me out when I tried to spread the good word.
Wow, I think that was totally helpful. Maybe I don’t need the Betty Crocker Clinic.
But if I did, what would it be like…
If I built it, would you come?
Hello Temptation
Being a “Prefectionist”
This sums it up:
"It says on your resume that you're a prefectionist."
Tribute to My Corkscrew
Hula Hoop Workout
I have shared with you that on New Years Eve I demonstrated my maturity by consuming some adult beverages and showing off my hula-hooping skills. But Dr. Oz has validated me! Last week he featured a segment on the hula hoop workout. Do you know what this means?!
- I am at the front of a fitness trend, I was hula hopping before Dr. Oz!
- I can multi-task: I was celebrating New Years and exercising.
- You can exercise and drink at the same time! This falls in line with my 5K selection criteria!
- If you hula-hoop while drinking, the calories won’t count.
- I am not a dork, I am a fitness guru.
- I have found a form of exercise I can do while dressed up, as suggested by the pictures below.
Thank you Dr. Oz for confirming what I have been trying to share with people. Hula-hooping is good for you!
How do you have fun while exercising?
Is it sad that I could provide two different pictures of me actually hula-hooping as an adult???
Pay It Forward
Slightly Off-Balance 