Slightly Off-Balance

This is a Public Service Announcement.

In an effort to prepare the public for possible threats of violence, sarcasm, mood swings and emotional breakdowns, the FAIL (Federation of Ambitious and Idiotic Lenters) issue public service announcements when one of their parishioners is embarking on an overly ambitious Lenten gesture.

The following FAIL PSA has just been issued for the Northern California area:

Paige Morgan, a well-meaning, but off-balance, Catholic, has announced that she will be giving up all sweets and liquor for Lent.  Yes, you read that correctly: ALL sweets and ALL alcohol.  The FAIL is concerned because Paige does not get through a day without a sweet, a drink or both.  We feel that the level of her Lenten commitment may put others at risk.  Without sweets in particular, Paige has a history of irritability, unexplained bouts of crying shopping, and irrational behavior.  Detailed medical analysis have found that Paige is kept balanced by a consistent diet of chocolate and wine (or beer or Captain).

The following precautions should be taken:

• Do not give your children sweets in front of her.  She may inadvertently devour small children in an attempt to eat the treat.
• Hide your cough syrup and witch hazel – we fear she may try to concoct unusual cocktails.
• Keep your doors locked at night.  This kind of deprivation may cause her to sleep walk and seek out the M&M’s between your couch cushions.
• Do not threaten, harm or otherwise upset her children (she will be doing enough of that herself).  The crazy mama bear is 67% more crazy for the next 40 days!
• Hide your rubber cement, self-tanners and Bedazzlers.  Paige has a history of taking on other vices to cope with giving up her addictions.
• If you find her in public, wild-eyed, disoriented and disheveled more than disheveled than usual, send her directly to the Betty Crocker Clinic – they know her well there.
• If you know a good hostage negotiator, keep them on speed dial.  We especially fear for employees of Baskin Robbins, Mrs. Fields, Godiva and the local liquor store.

Avoid interaction with her during Lent, but should you have an unavoidable encounter, talk to her in a soothing voice the way you would calm an overtired preschooler.  Offer her something furry to cuddle with and remind her that good girls get pony rides.  But don’t offer her a balloon – she may mistake it for a giant jelly bean and try to eat it.

For those of you wondering how she will complete her Wine Wednesday postings, Paige has decided to consume wine (and eat sweets) for the next 24 hours straight before she starts Lent on Wednesday.  Keep this in mind as her posts may be confusing, hard to follow her normal incoherent rambles.

Have you ever given up one (or more) of your vices?  How did it go?

My plan for Tuesday night...