Slightly Off-Balance

I recently sent a friend to the funny farm.  A few of us have been teasing her about holiday decorations and we finally pushed her too far, she has jokingly checked herself into a virtual,  “special resort” with pink pills, fruity drinks and no stress.  She is practicing her fetal position and listening to soft music.  Her imaginary funny farm got me to thinking… (I know, it happens once in a while, whether I meant to or not)…

If I could design a place to “check out” and regain some sanity, what would it look like? 

The Slightly Off-Balance Center for Balance

Located lake side, this sprawling resort will instill balance, joy and laughter.  Check-in and stay as long you’d like, we won’t tell your family you’re here.  Amenities include:

• Personal bungalows with lake views, waterfalls, personal wet bars and wine cellars, light blocking window treatments (for sleeping when you’d like, as long as you’d like) and  a staff of 5 for each bungalow:
  • Cleaning lady – she picks up to, no cleaning before she arrives
  • Chef (she can also mix drinks)
  • Hair and make-up artist (should you want to socialize)
  • Massage therapist – they also give mani/pedis
• Pictures of your children are welcome and there is a designated area to interact with them should you choose, but there is no guilt if you just watch your kids through the two-sided mirror or don’t watch at all.
• Spouses are welcome by invitation only and you can re-send their invitation at anytime.  Spouses are brought up blind-folded so they cannot find this place on their own.
• There is a large pool, staffed to ensure you’re never hungry or sober, I mean thirsty.
• An intensive therapy area for new inductees where people play with your hair, pat your back and tell you you’re amazing.  Intravenous chocolate is also available.

Activities include:

• Yoga – but only the stretchy feel good poses, no stand on one leg and feel your heart race nonsense
• Chocolate and chick flicks – this will soon be an olympic sport, so I have been training.
• Spa days – 24 hours per day, seven days per week on demand
• Wine Tasting or cocktail pounding – there is no judgement here
• Book Clubs – we’ll read to you and there are no deadlines

You will note the absence of a personal trainer – this is not a fat farm.  Through the miracles of modern science, fat and unnecessary calories have been removed from our food and beverage, but you won’t taste the difference.  Should you enjoy exercise, there are beautiful trails and a gym, but nobody cares if you go.  This same science that removes fat and calories, ensures no hangovers from too much enjoyment of the pool bar.

Tell me about your dream funny farm.  But beware, if you build it, I will come and stay a very long time!

Ahhh... Utopia