Home > Balance, Cocktails, Humor > Design Your Own Funny Farm

Design Your Own Funny Farm

I recently sent a friend to the funny farm.  A few of us have been teasing her about holiday decorations and we finally pushed her too far, she has jokingly checked herself into a virtual,  “special resort” with pink pills, fruity drinks and no stress.  She is practicing her fetal position and listening to soft music.  Her imaginary funny farm got me to thinking… (I know, it happens once in a while, whether I meant to or not)…

If I could design a place to “check out” and regain some sanity, what would it look like? 

The Slightly Off-Balance Center for Balance

Located lake side, this sprawling resort will instill balance, joy and laughter.  Check-in and stay as long you’d like, we won’t tell your family you’re here.  Amenities include:

  • Personal bungalows with lake views, waterfalls, personal wet bars and wine cellars, light blocking window treatments (for sleeping when you’d like, as long as you’d like) and  a staff of 5 for each bungalow:
    • Cleaning lady – she picks up to, no cleaning before she arrives
    • Chef (she can also mix drinks)
    • Hair and make-up artist (should you want to socialize)
    • Massage therapist – they also give mani/pedis
  • Pictures of your children are welcome and there is a designated area to interact with them should you choose, but there is no guilt if you just watch your kids through the two-sided mirror or don’t watch at all.
  • Spouses are welcome by invitation only and you can re-send their invitation at anytime.  Spouses are brought up blind-folded so they cannot find this place on their own.
  • There is a large pool, staffed to ensure you’re never hungry or sober, I mean thirsty.
  • An intensive therapy area for new inductees where people play with your hair, pat your back and tell you you’re amazing.  Intravenous chocolate is also available.

Activities include:

  • Yoga – but only the stretchy feel good poses, no stand on one leg and feel your heart race nonsense
  • Chocolate and chick flicks – this will soon be an olympic sport, so I have been training.
  • Spa days – 24 hours per day, seven days per week on demand
  • Wine Tasting or cocktail pounding – there is no judgement here
  • Book Clubs – we’ll read to you and there are no deadlines

You will note the absence of a personal trainer – this is not a fat farm.  Through the miracles of modern science, fat and unnecessary calories have been removed from our food and beverage, but you won’t taste the difference.  Should you enjoy exercise, there are beautiful trails and a gym, but nobody cares if you go.  This same science that removes fat and calories, ensures no hangovers from too much enjoyment of the pool bar.

Tell me about your dream funny farm.  But beware, if you build it, I will come and stay a very long time!

Ahhh... Utopia

  1. Ali
    November 3, 2010 at 7:04 am

    I’d like a reservation for one, please. Maybe two. Obviously, I get to decide who else I want there later, right?

    What do you mean about the funny farm? Did she really go to a retreat center or what?

    • November 3, 2010 at 8:53 am

      Hi Ali, Nice to “meet” you. She didn’t really go, she is there virtually. 😉

  2. November 3, 2010 at 7:17 am


    8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
    8:30 Weigh 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday.
    8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants.
    9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.
    10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
    10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out.
    12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe.
    12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend’s wife, she has gained 30 lbs..
    1:00 Shopping with friends.
    3:00 Nap.
    4:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist. Card is from a secret admirer.
    4:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage
    5:30 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror.
    7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.
    10:00 Hot shower. Alone.
    10:30 Make love.
    11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
    11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.

    6:00 Alarm.
    6:15 Blowjob.
    6:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section.
    7:00 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee.
    7:30 Limo arrives.
    7:45 Bloody Mary; Blowjob en route to airport.
    8:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia; Blowjob.
    9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.
    9:45 Play front nine at Augusta, finish 2 under par w/topless female caddies.
    11:45 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell. 3 Heinekens.
    12:15 Blowjob.
    12:30 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par.
    2:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis; Blowjob.
    2:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Blowjob & Nap.
    3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew.
    4:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin-1249 lbs.
    5:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked supermodel; happy ending.
    7:00 Watch CNN Newsflash. Obama resigns.
    7:30 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, 1963 Dom Perignon, 20 Oz. New York strip.
    9:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cohiba Cuban cigar.
    10:00 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs.
    11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi; Blowjob.
    11:45 Go to bed.
    11:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room.
    11:55 Laugh yourself to sleep.

    • November 3, 2010 at 8:59 am

      LMAO – The stereotypes are so true! I hope my husband doesn’t see this comment, I don’t want him getting any ideas! I know, he already has them.

  3. November 3, 2010 at 7:24 am

    Sign me up! You had me at “sleep as long as you want!”

    • November 3, 2010 at 9:00 am

      Jamie, I went to bed at 11:30, was woken up by my son at 2:30, couldn’t go back to sleep and had to be up at 4:00 am for a flight for business trip. 3 hours of sleep and all I can think about is heading to the funny farm! 😉

  4. November 3, 2010 at 8:19 am

    My perfect day?

    Well, it would involve cheese. And blogging. I might be writing a blog about all the free cheese I’ve been given and forced to test.

    Also? A dog.

    Don’t worry, he’s solely for companionship – I’ll be all full from the cheese.

    • November 3, 2010 at 9:18 am

      Megan – you and I can be friends – I LOVE cheese!!!

  5. November 3, 2010 at 9:16 am

    Oh, am dying here.

    Yes! I want to go to this place!

    Me! Me! Me!

    Look! Here’s my ticket! PUT ME ON THE GODDAMNED BUS!!!

    Hmm…maybe I should have checked in a little earlier…

    • November 3, 2010 at 9:19 am

      Lori – I’m on my way there now. I’ll pick you up!

  6. November 3, 2010 at 9:41 am

    Do I get to lie on the beach? And actually read a book?

    Sign me up. IMMEDIATELY!

    • November 3, 2010 at 9:46 am

      Cheryl – lie on the beach, read your book and know that no one is going to interrupt you. The staff is standing by to serve you but will not approach unless you summons them. You have been added to the list of charter guests!

  7. November 3, 2010 at 11:37 am

    Room for one with a giant DO NOT DISTURB sign, please.

    • November 3, 2010 at 7:33 pm

      Done Diane – maybe you can write for NanoWrimo while you’re there!

  8. November 3, 2010 at 3:22 pm

    Wait….can I make reservations? NOW?

    This is hilarious – and I also am a little sad now that it’s not a real possibility… 😉

    • November 3, 2010 at 7:36 pm

      I hear ya Natalie, I actually found myself daydreaming about this place one too many times today! So I was relived when I called the funny farm to hear that they are having horrible thunderstorms, flash floods and an earthquake. They also ran out of liquor! Feel better? Me neither. 😉

  9. November 3, 2010 at 3:54 pm

    Please, oh, please let me come too.

    • November 3, 2010 at 7:36 pm

      Nichole – congratulations you’re another charter member!

  10. Melinda
    November 4, 2010 at 10:15 am

    That place sounds dreamy! I wouldn’t change anything except that the kids are 100s of miles away so there is no chance of them finding me to ask me to open a water bottle or find a lost blankie in the childroom. They have found every candy hiding place in my house and would surely hunt me down.

    • November 5, 2010 at 4:47 pm

      Melinda – I will wok on increased security at the farm and make sure your kids never find you!

  1. February 18, 2011 at 6:38 am
  2. March 24, 2011 at 5:06 am

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