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Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

I’m a Bad Mommy

May 31, 2011 2 comments

Or, at a minimum, I am hanging out with 4 Bad Mommies today, as a guest blogger.  Although, I’ll tell you a secret: they’re not bad mommies.  They’re honest, funny and definitely worth a visit.

Come over and check out Why I Am Glad School is Almost Out!

There Is Nothing Wrong with the Shirt!

May 16, 2011 12 comments

I had just finished getting dressed.  I was feeling good, because although I have gained a few pounds from business trips, vacation and Lent being over, I could still button my shorts. Some may say I set the bar low, but when you like food as much as I do, hoping for shorts that button is sometimes aggressive.

My son walked in and said, “Mommy, what’s on your shirt”?  I looked at my shirt thinking there might be a stain or a hole, but saw nothing.

“Honey, where, what are you talking about?”

He drags his cute little hand across my mid section – you know, the gut area, and says, “This, what is this?”

Oh.

Shorts buttoning doesn’t guarantee there will be no “leakage” – why can chubby boobs falling out of tops be cute, but muffin top is not?  When is muffin top coming into style?!  And although, I will usually be my own worst critic, the muffin top was not bad (on this day, in these shorts, with this shirt).

“Honey, that is mommy’s tummy pushing against the waistband of her shorts.  As you get older it is harder to have a flat stomach (my son has an 8-pack)”.

My son giggles a little, “Why is it harder to have a flat stomach”?

“Well, honey because grown-ups don’t have as much time to play and get exercise.  You ride bikes, swim and play outside all day.  You get plenty of exercise.  Mommy has to try to make time in her day for exercise.”

Here’s the part I didn’t say out loud:

See if I wasn’t working full-time, I would have more time to exercise too.  And if I wasn’t your typical stressed mother of young children, I wouldn’t need wine and cocktails and chocolate. 

Actually, that’s a lie.  If I wasn’t working full-time, I would have more wine and cocktails and would still find things to do besides exercise, like read, write and take naps.

Back to the conversation.

“So if you get enough exercise, your shirt doesn’t look like that?”

Now here’s the part where I should be that great mom, that thinks about promoting healthy body image and fitness over appearance.  But I was on an emotional roller coaster.  Starting on that high of my shorts buttoned, then slammed down to “What is that?”.

I dug deep, looking for the good mommy who makes this a positive lesson…

“Honey, let’s stop talking about Mommy’s fat and get going”.

Yep, that was all I could muster.

I’ll try harder next time. 

And I’ll eat healthier.  And drink less.  And work out more.

Or just buy bigger shorts.

I Am Approaching Bankruptcy

May 11, 2011 5 comments

No, not the financial kind that involves dumping the house.  If I controlled our finances, that could happen, but my husband is smart and I am smart enough to listen to him.

I am approaching email bankruptcy.  The spam is smothering me, my inbox is intimidated me and the number of unreads are unimaginable.  If I leave it unchecked for one day, it feels like the spiders in my least favorite movie, Arachnophobia (because I hate spiders), pouring out of the drain.

I have had the same personal email account for many years (too many to remember) and have used it fo silly sweepstakes, mailing lists and online shopping.  Those uses lead to a bunch of other emails I never wanted.  Unfortunately, only some of it goes into my spam folder and I am much too lazy to go in and unsubscribe to every one.

So I am considering the unthinkable – strategic default.  Walking away.  Giving up my identity and starting over.

Will I feel cleansed or lonely?  Will I miss a great sale?  Will I lose touch with someone important?

I need guidance, I need personal stories.  Have any of you gone through email bankruptcy?  Was it for the best?

Categories: Humor, Life Tags:

Disney DEFCON

The National Enquirer reported that I was the first person ever to actually fall off the face of the Earth.  While it may have felt like that, it wasn’t entirely true (just like most articles in the National Enquirer).

It is true that I have not logged into my blog dashboard in several weeks – the last few blogs I posted we’re on an automatic timer, similar to all the lights in my mental and real house.

I have spent the last three weeks on business trips and vacation.  I am not even sure my bed at home feels like my “real” bed yet. 

But I am back – did you get a chill? It’s okay to lie to me ya know.

There are so many stories I want to share with you.  I wrote so many posts in my head, but never took notes on them, so they are as forgotten as my exercise routine.  Here’s one that really seems to want to be written, because it has been rattling around in my mind (that was the tin pinging sound you heard) for days:

DEFCON is the Defense Readiness Condition used by the Armed Forces.  After spending a week in Disneyland with my kids, I felt it was my civic duty to share the following:

Disney DEFCON

5 – Lowest state of readiness.  You haven’t told the kids you’re going to Disneyland.  Life is peaceful.

4 – Increased intelligence and strengthened security measures.  The kids know they are going to Disneyland.  Care must be taken to ensure that they do not injure themselves when bouncing off the walls.  You also now have the opportunity to throw the entirely empty threat of cancelling the trip if they do not behave on the long car ride.  Good luck with that…

3 – Increase in force readiness above that required for normal readiness. You need a strategy for crowds, lines, food and the endless toy displays.  Here’s mine:

  • Crowds – The best defense is a good offense.  I started the week trying to avoid small children and other strollers.  After losing every toenail I own, I treated navigating Disneyland, during Spring Break, like a full contact, extreme sport.  Show no mercy.
  • Lines – Don’t be the sweet mom that stops to let the kids climb on sculptures, take pictures and play on slides.  Stick to the mission – rides!  Get them in early, then go back and take pictures with characters, play on the fake cars, ride the carousel and watch the shows while everyone else is standing in hour-long lines in the beating sun.
  • Food – Decide up front – are you a militant mom or a mom looking for a little peace?  I just wanted a little peace so I bought popcorn, churros and ice cream.  I also bought some food for my kids.
  • Toys – I decided before I left that each kid would get one toy/souvenir, period.  I even brought their tiaras and light sabers from home so I wouldn’t get hit up for those.  Before you second guess me, I did stick to the one souvenir rule, sort of.  They each got one thing – but each thing was bigger than I had planned.  I admit I am a sucker for a $65 Cinderella costume and since they didn’t have one in my size, I bought it for my daughter.  With my son, I had a rare opportunity to trump my husband and spontaneously buy a Lego for my son while my husband was getting the car.  I am usually the mean mom and it felt amazing to play the role of Disney Dad! 

2 – Further increase in force readiness, but less than maximum readiness.  DEFCON 2 hit on day 2 days 1, 2 and 3 for us. Be prepared for a scene, but take solace in the fact that your child’s screams will be drowned out by Disney music (I swear they have speakers as close as trash cans), the sound of the rides and 5,000 other screaming children.

1 – War is imminent. Proceed directly to California Adventure where they serve alcohol.

We hit DEFCON 1 on our final day in the park.  We still had planned to spend a few more hours there.  We went to California Adventure, drank two beers and left the park.  A full nuclear response was narrowly avoided.

Tell me a funny story from one of your family vacations.  And by funny, I mean one where I don’t look like the only crazy mom!

45 is the New Toddler

April 13, 2011 8 comments

There are endless effects of having children.  But did you know they make you younger?

Think about how your life changes when you have kids:

  • You are more prone to eating grilled cheese, quesadillas and macaroni and cheese
  • You have the frequent urge to burst into tears
  • You know the words to every kid song
  • You don’t think twice about being in public with a stained shirt
  • You get excited when Disney releases another movie from the vault
  • Your language goes from biker chick to “gosh darn” and “bust my buffers”

My dear friend made me aware of this phenomenon when she sent me the following text:

Cat just clawed the crap out of me.  I’m wearing a Scooby-Doo bandage and brushing my teeth with kid toothpaste.  45 is the new toddler.

Her one defining adult behavior?  She is drowning her sorrows in hot chocolate and Bailey’s!

Cheers to getting younger!

The Fountain of Youth

10 Lessons from a Girls Weekend

April 11, 2011 12 comments

The following lessons may or may not have come from actual or alleged events.  You can’t prove these things happened.  I destroyed the pictures.  Enjoy the lessons and take them to heart!

  1. There are three slots on an ATM – the one you put the card in, the one you get a receipt from and the one that dispenses the money.  These slots are not interchangeable.
  2. When a friend gives you directions to a bar four times, it is time to pick that friend up from said bar.
  3. When attempting to rent a stack of chick flicks, it is easier to ask how to open a rental account than to guess other people’s’ account information.
  4. Short bar patrons are not souvenirs.  Even if she is 4′ 10″ one should not try to put her in their pocket.
  5. Yoga on patio cushions is dangerous.
  6. There is a brief window where karaoke sounds good: after listeners have had enough to drink to miss the mistakes, but before the singers have had too much to drink and sit down on stage.
  7. If you’re going to get on your hands and knees to bow to your new friend at the bar because she has six kids and multiple grandchildren, wash your hands afterwards.
  8. Playing ‘hide the car’ while a friend is in a store, never becomes mature old.
  9. If eye flirting with a guy at the other end of the bar doesn’t create a love connection, throwing ice at him probably won’t either.
  10. There is a fine line between a classy woman and a two scoops of crazy one.

They are rather confusing...

Mechanical Bulls, Mullets and Friends

March 29, 2011 16 comments

This last weekend, after having sushi with friends, we decided to go the Saloon in town.  I love saying this, because I am hoping it conjures up images of me living in Texas and wearing some sassy boots.  I really do live in the suburbs, but we do have a saloon with a mechanical bull.

After running up a bill that was more Sapporo than sushi (and it was a lot of sushi), we headed over to the Saloon.  As some of you may know, I am all for an adventure.  Before we even left the parking lot of the sushi restaurant, my husband was making me swear I would not ride the mechanical bull.  We were placing bets in the parking lot on who would ride and my husband kept reminding me that I am already a frequent visitor to the chiropractor and a bull ride would not help.  I do not think it is appropriate to bring up my aging, frail body on my birthday.

Upon arriving, I felt like the bull was calling my name, my friends were trying to talk me into it and my husband was giving me the look of, ‘I will not give you sympathy or pay for the massages’.  We decided two other friends would ride, but I would at least get on for a picture.  Only I couldn’t even get on by myself.  Maybe it was the Sapporo or the high-heeled boots, or the Sapporo, but it took the help of a friend to even get me on – it was clear riding would not go any better.  Rather I was a passionate spectator.

The only thing that could steal my attention was the 80’s band setting up.  One of the guys had a mullet and the female lead definitely rocked the 80’s – hard!  I was instantly enamored!  I was the first one on the dance floor – inappropriately early.  I drug my tolerant friends and two perfect strangers out with me.  Is there anything better than listening to an 80’s band in a Saloon, with fantastic, indulgent friends?

Well yes, let me suggest some improvements:

  • They didn’t know any Bon Jovi songs.  There should be a law that states that if you have a mullet, you know Bon Jovi songs.
  • I am too old to dance with such enthusiasm (think hamming it up – combination swing dancing and jazzercise) in high-heeled boots.  My shins, calves and ankles are still recovering.  I should have taken the boots off earlier.
  • If you can’t remember how many beers you had at dinner, don’t drink seven captain and diets at the saloon, even if you are making up for Lent.
  • When everyone wants to leave, do not explain to your husband that the two nice women you met on the dance floor can bring you home later.
  • We should have used a camera that didn’t create the devil eyes, but it’s almost fitting because I felt like the devil had strapped me to a mechanical bull and done his worst the next morning…

Yes, my friend in the picture had to help me up AND hold me up, I would have surely fallen off the back!

Titles For My Autobiography

March 24, 2011 8 comments

Things have been more off-balanced in my world as of late.  I have wanted to write about the chaos, the tantrums and the tender moments, but I have needed to catch up on the sleep that has been eluding me for the last 5 nights!

So let me summarize my life with a novel…

No, not the whole book, just the titles, as Cliffs Notes are also too long for this tired mamma.

Rene over at Grown Up For Real got me to thinking…  She asked what would be the title of your memoir.

So here are my thoughts on what my memoir would be called this week.

  • From Boardroom to Padded Room: How Juggling  Being A Working Mom Sent Me To The Funny Farm
  • And Then I Had Kids: How The World Changed and Why I Am Still Spinning
  • I Am Not Crazy… Today
  • I Used To Leave the House Put Together, Now I Just Try To Wear My Undergarments on the Inside
  • I Am The Looniest Luckiest Girl In The World
  • Stress Eating and Parenting – The Expose
  • Proactiv: For Acne, Fake Sunburns and Threatening Your Children
  • Why Lent May Be the End of My Kids Sanity
  • When My Husband Travels…
  • Being Pulled Back From the Ledge by Oprah

What are your titles?

Categories: Humor, Parenting Tags: ,

What Was I Thinking?!

March 23, 2011 8 comments

What?  Where is Wine Wednesday you ask?  Well, let me tell you-

Lent is hard!  The Girl Scout Cookie deliveries, the dinner parties with margaritas, the wine book club meetings, the post t-ball practice beers (wow, yes, we have a drink for every occasion) and I CAN’T HAVE ANY OF IT!

We went to a dinner party on the first Sunday of Lent and I lapsed into vice exchange.  For those of you not familiar with this proven phenomenon.  If you give up one vice, you find another.  On the first Sunday of Lent, I traded booze and sweets for a pound of tortilla chips.  Okay, a pound may not be accurate, two pounds!  I woke up the next morning parched and feeling like I had been drinking out of the ocean.

So I did the logical thing- I gave up tortilla chips too.

To summarize: no sweets, no booze, no chips = STUPIDITY.

What was I thinking?!

But I will not quit, I will not edit my Lenten promise.  But I may be in a straight jacket by Easter!

So, no, there will be no more Wine Wednesdays during Lent, because frankly, I am not that big of a person to write about things I love, but cannot have.

I am, however, an optimist and on the bright side: I have lost 5 pounds!  Go ahead and place your bets on how fast I will put that back on. (Hint: Easter Sunday would be a safe bet)

New Toy Riddle

March 14, 2011 6 comments

Can you solve the riddle of my new toy?

Don’t cheat!  Read in order, don’t scroll down until instructed to do so!  HEY!  I saw you reach for that mouse!  Play fair!

A new toy has arrived at my house.

I wanted it very much, but am frustrated by its presence.

Most people do not have one, or if they do, I am not aware of it.

A friend of mine recommended it after a night of drinking.

This type of toy typically brings me endless joy, whether I use it by myself or with my husband.

It is instrumental in unlocking one of my passions.

It is long, black and rechargeable.

This toy is not for children.

Do you know what it is?

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Almost there…

It’s our new electric wine opener. 

And I will be much more excited about it after Lent is over!

Categories: Humor, Wine