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What Was I Thinking?!
What? Where is Wine Wednesday you ask? Well, let me tell you-
Lent is hard! The Girl Scout Cookie deliveries, the dinner parties with margaritas, the wine book club meetings, the post t-ball practice beers (wow, yes, we have a drink for every occasion) and I CAN’T HAVE ANY OF IT!
We went to a dinner party on the first Sunday of Lent and I lapsed into vice exchange. For those of you not familiar with this proven phenomenon. If you give up one vice, you find another. On the first Sunday of Lent, I traded booze and sweets for a pound of tortilla chips. Okay, a pound may not be accurate, two pounds! I woke up the next morning parched and feeling like I had been drinking out of the ocean.
So I did the logical thing- I gave up tortilla chips too.
To summarize: no sweets, no booze, no chips = STUPIDITY.
What was I thinking?!
But I will not quit, I will not edit my Lenten promise. But I may be in a straight jacket by Easter!
So, no, there will be no more Wine Wednesdays during Lent, because frankly, I am not that big of a person to write about things I love, but cannot have.
I am, however, an optimist and on the bright side: I have lost 5 pounds! Go ahead and place your bets on how fast I will put that back on. (Hint: Easter Sunday would be a safe bet)
10 Lessons From a Girl’s Weekend
I had a fabulous girls weekend. Friday night was book club a passion party and Saturday I left for San Francisco for some quality time with my cousin (who is more like a sister). I had a wonderful weekend full of laughs, yummy food and female bonding, but certainly learned a few lessons:
- When soup boils over, do not grab a wet paper towel to pull the grate off the burner, in order to clean it immediately. Fight the OCD impulses, wait until the stove has cooled down and never use a wet towel – paper or otherwise.
- When hosting a passion party, not only do you need to have the kids out of the house, but they need to remain out of the house until you do a full cleaning. Check under the sofa to make sure there are no passion party product catalogs that your kids can find.
- When departing for the city – listen to the advice you give your kids – go potty before you leave. While you may not be conspicuous running through Union Square doing the pee pee (or worse) dance, it can be uncomfortable and the thought of not making it to the hotel bathroom frightening.
- When driving to any big city, choose your car wisely. The biggest SUV on the road is not the best choice. If you have no other vehicle option, make sure you know the height restrictions of the parking garage AND the height of your car. Accuracy is important here, otherwise one might learn what those metal tube height signs sound like when they scrape the top of your car. Luggage racks can act as the
sacrifical lamblife saver in this situation. - Valet parking (with the additional oversize vehicle fee) at the hotel is expensive, but slightly less than the deductible on your car insurance. Suck it up when the valet mentions your car is not the best choice for the city.
- Eating your way through San Francisco may sound like a
goodgreat idea, but should be left to the professionals. Over eating can lead to food coma which can cause falling asleep during the previews of a movie and one should be careful about sleeping in the Metreon. Three such food comas in 24 hours probably isn’t healthy and may result in a sleepless night, despite the Heavenly Bed. - Check your cell phone alarm clock and ensure it is off. Waking up at 6:00 am on a girls weekend after a night of food coma fall-out can be hazardous.
- If you plan to shop in the city, tell your husband in advance to avoid shell shock. If you don’t plan to shop in the city, you’re just fooling yourself. Shopping in the city is as unavoidable as encountering crazy, ranting women with black eyes and missing teeth.
- When a man is sitting in the park with a sign that says “Free Advice”, you should stop and listen. It can’t be worse than the advice we give our friends.
- There is nothing better for your soul than a weekend of girl time (and nothing worse for your waist line).
Checking Into the Betty Crocker Clinic
My name is Paige and I am an addict. I have alluded to it before, but I have a problem with sweets. It is time for an intervention, so I am checking myself into the Betty Crocker Clinic.
What?! There is not a Betty Crocker Clinic?! It’s the Betty Ford Clinic and it’s not for sweets?
Yeah, I like alcohol too, but not as much as sweets.
Now what I do…
Addiction… intervention… 12 steps…
Brilliant! Here are the official 12 steps and my commentary.
- We admitted we were powerless over
alcoholsweets—that our lives had become unmanageable. Um, yeah, check. We have to bake extra cupcakes to ensure there are enough for my kids’ schools because my cravings come first. - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Agreed, that Power is butter, sugar and cocoa – all made by God.
- Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. Totally happy to turn my will and life over to God, what kind of oven does He have? Does He use a hand mixer or a whisk?
- Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Which led to the discovery that I was out of butter.
- Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. I am telling all of you.
- Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. Can He remove the fat from cupcakes too?
- Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. As long as He doesn’t remove the shortening.
- Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. Does this include making amends for stealing my kids Halloween candy? I am not sure I am ready for that…
- Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. If I have to hand over the chocolate, somebody might get hurt.
- Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. I think inventory is essential, if I am wrong, how will I make cookies?
- Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. There’s a dessert called Heavenly Bars, I think that if I eat those while praying, my contact with God should be rock solid.
- Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to
alcoholicssweets-aholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. The bakery kicked me out when I tried to spread the good word.
Wow, I think that was totally helpful. Maybe I don’t need the Betty Crocker Clinic.
But if I did, what would it be like…
If I built it, would you come?
Hello Temptation
Why I Eat Cookies
Today has been a roller coaster! I was scheduled to be on a plane right now headed for another business trip. Then, an hour before I was due to leave for the airport, my meeting and trip were rescheduled.
I am thrilled to stay home because I just got back from a week-long trip on Friday. It was long days of meetings and social events in the evenings. By 2:00 every day, I was ready for a nap – so I had a cookie instead.
Once home, I was still tired and didn’t feel like I had enough time this weekend to get everything done. I ran around until I was close to sleeping standing up – so I ate cookies to keep going. Sugar is my caffeine. By last night I had accomplished all I could and enjoyed a bottle (yes, a bottle) of wine, which then affected my judgment so I ate another bag of cookies.
When I got up this morning, I was melancholy about my trip. I had been home less than 72 hours and needed more time with my husband. What you’re expecting me to say next is “and I really needed more time with my kids”.
Except I don’t.
From the moment I walked in the door on Friday, my little pumpkins were lunatics. They set new temper tantrum records. My husband was so sweet to share with me that they were great until I came home… It is so odd, I was sad to part with them this morning, I gave them extra hugs and kisses and truly didn’t want to leave. But now that I get to stay home, I would like to hide in my office, eat cookies and read a book. What award do I win for that?
But I am congratulating myself on knowing where I am at and understanding what I need. I need cookies. I need rest. I need cuddling with my kids. I just don’t want the other stuff like discipline, homework, laundry and bedtime rituals. Hmmm… I think the business trip might be more restful than parenting…
So I have decided today is I eat cookies day (and it is clearly not ‘I am a literary genius’ day). You are welcome to join in the celebration. This is guilt free indulgence. Will I eat cookies in lieu if my parenting duties? No. But will the cookies make the duties easier? You betcha!
Next time I will make this brief, I’ll quickly tell you about the isolated times when I don’t eat cookies.
What do you do to take care of yourself? How do you cope on crazy days?
How To Choose a Superbowl 5K
My friend and I have decided to do a few races this year and think about training for a half-marathon. I am trying to get rid of the 12 pounds of Christmas. And we’re both trying to get back to a place where we can eat and drink without guilt.
Our first race is going to be Superbowl Sunday. We had two races to choose from. Here is our decision-making process utilizing my scientific, health-focused, methodology:
Me: “Okay there’s one 10 minutes from you and one 10 minutes from me. Which one should we do?”
Her: “Didn’t you say the one by me had tailgate food afterwards?”
Me: “Ooh, yes, good point. Tailgate food afterwards is a must. Okay, I checked they both have tailgate food afterwards and beer. Maybe we should look at elevations. I don’t do hills.”
Her: “Oh yeah, flatter is better.”
Me: “Okay, they both look about the same for elevation. But the one by you does football jersey style shirts and the one by me does Hanes Beefy Tees – ugh.”
Her: “Oh, the beefy tees, always attractive. What’s the cost of each?”
Me: “Ding, ding, we have a winner. The one by you is $60, the one by me is $25.”
After emailing some other friends with our decision, a wise girl pointed out there is a great dive bar by the cheaper race too.
In summary:
- Post race food and beer
- Flat course
- Cheap fees
- Dive bar
We are true athletes!
The 12 Pounds of Christmas
I am Paige and I have a problem. My vices have become so debilitating that I cannot make it two hours, TWO HOURS, without chocolate or some Christmas treat! And every night presents a new reason to drink. (Okay, I can find a reason every night to have a glass of wine, but I’m talking about really good reasons like Christmas parties, holiday traditions and my feet were cold.)
So here it is – my 12 pounds of Christmas:
- The kids made peppermint bark. What kind of mother would I be if I didn’t eat it and tell them how yummy it was.
- Every year we have our favorite toffee shipped from Colorado. WE ONLY GET IT ONCE PER YEAR – of course I ate it – I had to before my husband did.
- I attended my work holiday luncheon and drank white wine – hey it paired nicely with the heavy cream bisque.
- After the lunch we had a morale event that was bartending lessons (and tasting) – it was a morale event, I had to participate.
- Following bartending, we had an after party at another bar. I am on the leadership team, I had to drink to make others feel like it was ok. But because I am a manager, I didn’t want people getting too drunk, so I ordered everyone a bunch of pizzas. I had to eat them too- you can’t have management passing out drunk.
- We watched Polar Express as a family – the kids drank cocoa, I drank cocoa and Bailey’s. It’s a requirement.
- The kids made sugar cookies – again with the good mother thing.
- We made gingerbread houses – I had to “clean up” the left over frosting.
- One of the neighbors brought over chocolate covered pretzels – nobody can say I am a bad neighbor, I ate the pretzels.
- The kids made those peanut butter cookies with the Hershey kisses. AND they used dark chocolate – my favorite. Being such a fantastic mom to my lil’ bakers is becoming a problem.
- We had dinner at a friend’s house, they poured cocktails, I didn’t want to be a rude, so I drank three.
- We stood out in the cold to watch Santa come through the neighborhood on a fire truck, it was cold, I needed to stay warm, I prefer liquid heat.
So as you can see, in the spirit of giving, because I am a giver, and in the spirit of the holidays, I have done my duty as a mother, friend, neighbor, boss and employee. I have eaten and drank nightly and CHRISTMAS IS STILL OVER A WEEK AWAY! Does this mean I’ll stop now before Christmas? Uh, no! I want to be on Santa’s good list, and judging from his belly he rewards those who selflessly indulge, like me, over those who turn their back on holiday traditions. At the rate I am going, I am pretty sure Santa is bringing me diamonds and a new car.
Eat, drink and be merry!
Seven Deadly Sins – Envy
I am sitting here ridiculously full from a meal out with friends and their kids. When I finished my meal off the guilt free menu, I moved on to my kids’ hamburger and chicken nuggets. Unbeknownst to me they had gotten a hold of the salt shaker, that didn’t stop me. I am now uncomfortable. This will explain the theme of my envy.
- I envy people who are smarter than me and don’t overeat.
- I envy those who don’t crave cheese, chocolate, butter and carbs all day long.
- I envy those who have the willpower to turn down sweets. (My husband just brought me a piece of candy that I should not eat. Hmmm… yum.)
- I envy people who wake up excited to workout.
- I really envy those who don’t need to workout
- I envy anyone who doesn’t have a stomach ache right now.
- I envy pregnant women with an excuse to eat and gain weight. (Don’t confuse me with the details that they have to lose the weight afterwards.)
Does anyone think I have a problem? If so, let’s discuss it over a slice of pizza.
What?!
7 Deadly Sins – Gluttony
Happy Thanksgiving!
As I mentioned last night, I am going to do seven posts about my seven deadly sins. Last night I covered vanity. In honor of the tens of thousands of calories I plan to consume today, I am covering the second sin: gluttony. Here are my seven guilty pleasures – narrowing it down to seven will be tough!
- C-H-O-C-O-L-A-T-E
- Wine
- Any cocktail with rum, but not Malibu rum – too sweet!
- Yellow cake with chocolate frosting
- Jaeger
- Carnitas
- Pizza and beer
And what makes me the most gluttonous? That I would gladly attempt to eat and drink all of the above on the same day!
I feel compelled to dedicate this post to several friends. You know who you are and here’s why:
- Most people think of Napa for its wine, but we know it’s just a beautiful food fest with wine on the side.
- CRACK CAKE! This cake is more addictive than any drug I have ever heard of.
- We won’t drink the whole bottle tonight… (famous last words about wine)
- Hmmmm – the universal sound of gluttony.
- She has hidden candy bars in her couch! Really!
A Quick Sweets Update
I am still in a bet with my friend, I still have not had sweets. He called three times yesterday begging for chew, when I said no, he resorted to trying to get me to eat sweets. When that didn’t work he explained why I was going to lose the bet, hmmm… not likely. He’s a trainwreck, this should be an easy victory.
Well, I have a new problem. One of my friends, Sasha (names have been changed to protect the truly nuts), thinks the bet is dumb. She is coming over later and is bringing dessert. SHE DOESN”T EVEN LIKE SWEETS! She’s doing it just to make it hard on me. Her and my husband are conspiring and he is now talking about making his famous chocolate soufflé – Really!? But I will not give in, I will win this bet, I will exercise will power. Why, because I am stubborn and my dessert toting friend, Sasha, is crazy (said with love). This isn’t about helping my friend quit chewing anymore. Now it’s a grudge match. It’s me against the world. Am I pointlessly depriving myself of one of my passions? Maybe. Am I taking this too far and being over dramatic – absolutely! But I am having fun and laughing hard and that is more therapeutic than sweets – at least that is what I am telling myself.
One last thought, when the best is over, I am going to face first into anything sweet. I might even try bacon ice cream that Jen at My Morning Chocolate has been experimenting with. Or, I might just get an IV of Hershey’s syrup and cut to the chase.
The Vice Exchange
My name is Paige and I am a sweets-aholic…
I have a friend who is trying to give up chewing tobacco and I always love a bet. We agreed that he wouldn’t chew and I wouldn’t eat any sweets (had I suffered a major head injury when I thought this was a good idea?!)
The deal is that whoever caves first buys the other a bottle of Jager (we both love Jagermeister) – which in itself is ironic, willpower to avoid a vice is rewarded with another vice. Hmmm….
It is day three of this bet and I am a wreck! I didn’t take the bet because I am a good friend and want to help him kick is chew habit (although that is what I said)- I took the bet to break my own sweets habits with the hope of dropping a couple of pounds. I must digress for a second – summer is the time when I want to look my best for bikinis on the boat, but I gain the most weight because of the numerous social events that involve beers, blended drinks and other delights!
Anyways, I thought the bet would force me to stay off the sweets. I am a very competitive person and care more about the bragging rights of winning a bet than anything else. The problem is that if you remove one vice from someone slightly off-balance like me, another vice or vices (yes, that is plural) must be introduced. To kill the sweets craving I have tried beer, Captain Morgan (who am I kidding, I ‘d drink those anyways! ) and my new Three Amigos – Freetos, Cheetos and Cheesits! I need an INTERVENTION! My daughter had oreo crumbs on her cheeks and my first instinct was to lick her clean! I smelled my kids’ candy basket yesterday. I am salivating just writing about sweets!Seriously – it’s bad, I’m bad. Where was I, chocolate… no…, cookies… no…, oh yeah, vices!
If you’re vice isn’t harmful, disgusting or mean just keep it! You may find that getting rid of it is more damaging than giving in – that’s what I am learning! So my friend is dealing with the lack of chew by eating sweets (I hate him) and his suggestion was that I should chew to kill the sweets craving. How’s that for rational?! Keep your vice, it’s better for you. Keep your vice, it loves you. Keep your vice, all your friends are keeping theirs. Keep your vice to avoid the dreaded effects of vice exchange!
Finally, if my train of thought is hard to follow – blame it on the lack of sugar!
Pay It Forward
Slightly Off-Balance 