Slightly Off-Balance

Wow, I had an amazing weekend house boating with my kids!  I did as I said I would in my last post and ENJOYED them.  There were moments when it was tough and my friend Stacey would remind me that I used to want 4 kids… (yes, I was crazy).  But overall it was a great weekend and both of my kids got up on skis!  There are lots of silly stories I could share, but instead I am going to warn you of the dangers of a mama bear…

No, I don’t mean something as harmless as a female grizzly bear, I am referring to ME, I am much scarier if your actions threaten the safety of my children.  I also have a small tendency to over-react (my husband would argue it’s a major tendency) when it comes to the safety of my kids.  So what would you do in this situation?:

We are sitting on the houseboat Saturday morning, parked in a cove.  We look up and see a man of about 60 with a dirty t-shirt, board shorts and one-flip flop (we nicknamed him the uni-flopper) carrying a leather laptop bag, come out of the forest and start scaling down the hillside towards the water.  As we sip our morning coffee, we watch him leave his bag on the shore and swim towards our boat WHERE OUR KIDS OUR SWIMMING.  The “fur” on the back of my neck stands up and I tell the kids to swim over to the other side of the houseboat and swim next to my ski boat.  The husbands come out.  Papa Bears are deadly, but not as crazy as Mama Bears.  (My friend Marilyn says you should always bet on crazy in a fight.)  I check to make sure the keys to my ski boat are in the ignition and I decide, if need be, I can have the kids out of there in under 10 seconds, 15 if I reverse over the uni-flopper with my spinning prop.  Yes, I would.

Uni-flopper swims up and asks to use a cell phone.  He explained that he had too much tequila the night before, got in a fight with his wife and wandered off.  He’s now somewhat lost and trying to get back to his houseboat.  Let’s pause to give uni-flopper credit for being so drunk he wanders into a forest filled with bears, BUT remembers his laptop bag (We all wonder what was really in that bag…)!  We called the sheriff who came out and picked up uni-flopper, and his laptop bag, to take him off to find his wife.  Imagine that conversation…

The point is the uni-flopper is lucky to be alive.  Getting through a night in the forest is cool, but surviving swimming up to my kids and my friends’ kids is a feat.  I would also like to say congratulations to the jet skiers who had the good sense to give my waterskiing 3-year old a wide berth.  Had you gotten closer, I would have chased you down and sunk your jet ski. 

Other mama bear recognition goes to my three friends who I forced to wear life jackets with me in case we ALL had to dive in if my daughter fell and looked scared.  Finally, thank you to my husband who had the extreme responsibility of towing my three-year old and ‘allegedly’ got yelled out to get there faster when she fell and momentarily got her foot stuck in the ski.  She was calm and fine, I was perched on the side of the boat to dive in while simultaneously calling the national guard!

My theory is that one of the motherly hormones also allows women to change from average female to deadly predator.  I know I have the potential to go from law-abiding citizen to vigilante killer in under a moment.  At 5’5” and a small frame, I may not look menacing, but remember, you should always bet on crazy…