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New Years Un-Resolutions

December 31, 2010 3 comments

AHHHHHHH!!!

I feel better now.  Wait…

AHHHHHH!!!

Okay, all better now.

Why all the screaming you ask?  (If you didn’t ask, just humor me.)

Well, you see, today is New Years Eve and you know what that means…

No, not drunken debacles.  Well, yes, there may be those, but that didn’t make me scream.  At least not yet.

I am screaming because the mere thought of making a New Years Resolution stresses me out!  Seriously, if I haven’t been able to accomplish as task as of now, why is a specific date going to make it any easier?!  It’s not.  It’s just going to add pressure. 

I will be sitting at dinner with a few friends tonight and we will be talking about what to give up.  Yes, I am aware resolutions don’t have to be about giving things up.  They can be about starting things like going to the gym, taking more time for ourselves, blah blah blah.  Our group tends to focus on the what can we give up to be healthier.  Aka, what vice can we give up to make more room for other vices.  I call this phenomenon the vice exchange and have done scientific studies and experiments on the topic.  Go ahead, click the link to learn about the vice exchange, I’ll wait right here. 

Welcome back.  Back to giving stuff up – We have one gentlemen in our social circle who gave up chips one year, crazy bastard – (you know you were thinking it too!)  He made it the whole 365 days and then went two more months just because. (Insert more name calling here.)  So the next year we all decided to give something up.  I know, I know – if your friend jumps off a cliff…  Anyways, I gave up ice cream.  As you know, I am a sweets-aholic.  But I figured if I could keep cake, cookies, candy, etc I would be ok.  The first few months went great.  Yep, I was a superstar for not eating ice cream IN THE WINTER!  But the minute the weather warmed up, my will power cooled down.  I ate ice cream in April.  Nope, I didn’t even make it until a heat wave when it may have been medically necessary to consume frozen dairy products.

This was two years ago and I haven’t made a resolution since.  As you may have read, I have given things up for bets and I give things up for Lent, but a whole year of not doing something, or starting something for that matter?  SCARY! 

So my resolution is not to make a resolution.  Resolutions don’t allow for balance in the normal chaos of life and I am all about balance.  I prefer, rather, to be “mindful” of certain things.  So here is my (da da da da – that’s trumpets):

2011 Mindful List:

  • Be real.  I swear in real life.  Not around children or relatives, but with friends.  I approach this blog as if chatting with my friends, so may see more frequent swearing (like calling my chip-quitting neighbor a bastard).  Swearing is the real me.  Also included in the real me is inappropriate humor (I will use a filter though – you’re welcome), bouts of craziness (you may have already suspected this one) and a severe case of ADD.
  • Judge myself by the same bar as I judge others.  I am tougher on myself than others, so I am going to give myself a break and be more accepting of me, the way I am accepting of my crazy (not a judgment, but rather a compliment) friends.
  • Drinking water.  It reduces headaches, helps chapped lips, promotes clear skin and can prevent or reduce hangovers.  Water is my new BFF.  But Captain is still my boyfriend.
  • Exercise is not the enemy.  I feel better after a good workout.  I can eat more sweets and still fit into my clothes.  I can visit with my friends while working out.  I can waterski and wakeboard without severe injury.  I’ll be mindful of the benefits of kicking my own ass.
  • Sweets are like house guests – they are better in small doses.
  • Instant gratification is not always the best option. I am not sure I belive this, but I will be mindful of it (or be reminded of it when my credit card statement comes).

Well, I think my list is already too long for me.  So let’s talk about you. 

What are you going to be mindful of in 2011? 

I’ll get you started:

  • Paige LOVES comments on her blog.  Something as quick as “so true” makes me smile and I love people who are  wittier than me.  There seems to be a lot of folks in this category… hmm…

 

Categories: Balance, Humor Tags: , ,

Results of the Blonde Ambition Tour

December 30, 2010 4 comments

I set some lofty goals for this holiday season.  I knew you have been unable to sleep at night wondering how much I pulled off.  (A bottle of wine equals a sleeping pill, just a suggestion).

Well, let’s score my results – red means I failed, green means I passed:

  • Make it to the gym at least four days each week to counteract the 12 Pounds of Christmas FAIL – I have been twice since December 20th.  But does it count that I ate and drank even more than I had planned on? I think so.
  • Clean-out my closet. Thanks to my husband’s gifts, I did this even more thoroughly than planned.
  • Help my kids with their charity donationsMy kids are awesome, they filled three large trash bags and got rid of enough bath toys to make me actually want to bathe in my own tub!
  • Clean-out my husband’s office – It’s the embarrassing catch-all room and it looks like somebody threw up a recycling bin in there.  It looks better, we found the bed and floor, removed all signs of Christmas wrapping and cleaned out two years worth of the kids are projects. 
  • Have at least three playdates for the kids and three “mommy playdates”.  I am really an overachiever in this area!  I had multiple mommy play dates!  Oh yeah and the kids played with some friends too.
  • Upload pictures to Facebook and make discs for people.  Ha ha ha.  Not going to happen.  One of my friends saw this post and asked for a disc.  She knows better now.
  • Visit family and friends 3 hours away, 1 hour away and 30 minutes away. Fail.  Other than my husband’s grandparents, we never left the neighborhood.
  • Host Christmas dinnerI set a beautiful table, my husband made an amazing meal and we bought a decadent dessert.  But I do have some yummy new recipes to try out… some other time.
  • Take down already dead tree and Christmas decorations on December 26th.  Buh-bye Christmas!  Not a shred of holiday cheer left in sight. (But there is still plenty of cheer in the liquor cabinet!)
Overall, it’s been a great Christmas.  I have visited, indulged, organized and drank. 

And now I would like a nap. 

And some Tums.

Categories: Balance, Confessions

My Husband is Trying to Upgrade Me

December 29, 2010 4 comments

We have survived Christmas!  Despite the state of affairs in my house on the morning of Christmas Eve (if you didn’t read this post, please do, it’s one of my favorites), we had a lovely holiday.  The food was delicious, the wine was effective and all the toys had off switches.

Christmas morning was an overwhelming display of consumerism over-indulgence normal chaos for our house.  Last year, we got the kids a Wii and my daughter a play kitchen so there were fewer presents, but they were big-ticket items.  This year, none of us had any big tickets items on our Christmas lists, so Christmas morning looked like this:

 

This is just the present for my kids, my husband and myself.  I am sure there is a support group somewhere my husband can join.  Yes, he does more shopping than I do at Christmas, but I make up for it the rest of the year!

As I opened the gifts from my husband, a clear message was delivered: Despite how comfortable they are, my husband is not happy with my lingerie and loungewear old cotton underwear and ratty pajamas (except for the cute pair from the pajama exchange).   As I opened box after box, he instructed me to throw out everything else.  He also got me two new pairs of shoes, a new purse and new running shoes.  There is no doubt in my mind, this was his cry for help.  He wants me to step it up and look more like the wife I have the potential to will never be.  Fortunately, he is realistic, it was not all lace thongs and teddys.  He gave me some cute flannel pants and new full-butt underwear.  (Judge me if you want, but I like both my buns covered when I sleep).  His present were balanced.  I can get dressed up and look great presentable a few times per week, but I am not the woman who is perfectly put together everyday.  This would be impossible considering I do not even get dressed every day. 

The gifts of course forced me to clean out my closet and drawers.  Which leads me to the update: How did my Blonde Ambition Holiday Tour go?  You’ll have to wait until tomorrow to find out.  It’s 4:15 and I have a pie in the oven (from a box), cocktails to drink (never from a box, well almost never…) and a dinner party to attend.  Really, our friends are frying a turkey tonight.  Because ’tis the season of over-indulgence and I hope I have made it clear – I am a huge fan of over-indulgence!

Categories: Confessions, Holidays

The (Off-Balance) Day Before Christmas

December 24, 2010 4 comments
Twas the day before Christmas when all through the house,
Not a clean spot could be found, not even an ounce.
 
The stockings were hung by the chimney with haste,
In hopes that I’d buy stuff before it’s too late.
 
With me in my flannels and Chris in his boxers,
We were sure not an ad for Gap or Brooks Brothers.
 
When what to my wandering mind should appear?
The realization that Christmas is near!
 
There were presents to wrap and groceries to buy.
Would I be done in time? Not sure.  No lie.
 
Eight people for dinner, do we have enough wine?
I ran out of butter and must stand in line.
 
The children were plotting all smug under their beds.
In hopes of ensuring I would snap, lose my head.
 
They bickered and fought, Santa threats had gone stale.
Should I send their gifts back through priority mail?
 
I must clean, wrap and cook all day and all night.
With enough caffeine and yelling, it’ll be alright.
 
When I pull off Martha Stewart Christmas you’ll know.
Despite all the chaos, I put on a hell of a show!
 
So as you scurry and prep, know you’re not the only one.
Merry Christmas to you and I hope you have fun!

Another Great Gift: Beer Bike

December 22, 2010 3 comments

I am really proud of my community service here:  I am not only providing some great gift ideas, I am also encouraging physical fitness.  I give you the Beer Bike.

Credit to GCV for the find!

Categories: Holidays, Humor Tags: ,

BEST Christmas Gift Idea: Shotski

December 21, 2010 4 comments

I was out for yet another holiday event last night – don’t try this at home kids, I am a professional.  I went out for sushi and drinks with some girlfriends. There are many highlights, but I think I can sum it all up with my friend’s  gift idea: the Shotski.  It’s ecofriendly (if you find a ski in a dumpster), cheap and unique.

Do you hate when one person drinks their shot before everyone else?  Do you have a friend who nurses their shot?  Do you know someone who has everything?  The Shotski is for you.

What’s your go-to gift this season?

Blonde Ambition Holiday Tour

December 20, 2010 8 comments

Before you all get too excited, no, Madonna is not doing a holiday show.

The Blonde Ambition Holiday Tour is my plan for the next two weeks.  My plan is to make the most of it being quiet at work, as well as having the kids home, in order to start the new year caught up, cleaned up and with some good habits.  It is the Blonde Ambition tour because I am blonde (thanks to my stylist Yvette) and it’s one hell of an ambitious list. 

In order to organize my efforts, I am separating the list into work and home.  I am officially working this week and next week, but next week will be even quieter than this one.  So I plan to focus on work this week and home next week.  The work list is boring, so I won’t share it, but it sounds something like presentation blah blah blah email blah blah blah hire someone blah blah blah.

Home List (brace yourself):

  • Make it to the gym at least four days each week to counteract the 12 Pounds of Christmas
  • Clean-out my closet and give to charity  – there are some clothes in there that would be better suited for an elf.
  • Help my kids with their charity donations.  Before their birthdays and Christmas I make my kids go through their toys and each fill a minimum of a 12 gallon trash bag with toys for charity.  I explain that they have to give to others in order to receive.  It’s a great lesson on helping those less fortunate AND it keeps my home from turning into residential Toys R Us. (When I got to bed at night, I don’t like any toys in plain sight).
  • Clean-out my husband’s office – This is frightening.  There is paperwork, empty router boxes and my kids’ school work from the last two years in there.  It’s the embarrassing catch-all room and unfortunately it is in the same hall as the guest bathroom, so we need to make it look less like somebody threw up a recycling bin in there.
  • Have at least three playdates for the kids and three “mommy playdates”.
  • Upload pictures to Facebook and make discs for people.
  • Visit family and friends 3 hours away, 1 hour away and 30 minutes away.
  • Host Christmas dinner.  I need a really good dessert recipe that will feed 10 – any ideas?
  • Take down already dead tree and Christmas decorations on December 26th.

STOP LAUGHING!  If you think it’s funny or even ludicrous to come up with this list of things to do during the holidays, aside from surviving the holidays, I agree.  But when else can I get it done?  I miss my friends and family, my kids have spent a lot of time at home with each other and organization and tidiness makes me swoon.  Yes, I want to try for supermom despite repeated reminders from the universe that I crash after a couple of days of trying to do it all.  But yet I keep trying.  Why?  Because I’m a fighter? My meds aren’t right? I am a glutton for punishment?  I don’t know, but I am headed straight for completely off-balance in pursuit of balance. 

It’s Monday at 12:30 pm, how am I doing so far?

  • I took an hour-long beating in one of those circuit classes today.  I should have known I was screwed when the warm-up was a mile run. (For those that don’t know me, I am not an athlete.  For those that know me, you know that is an understatement).
  • My son currently has a playdate and I am taking my daughter to a kids party this afternoon.
  • I am going out for dinner with the girls tonight.
  • I have a load of laundry in the washer – it should be in the dryer, but one thing at a time.

I am off to a good start.  Now you may be thinking, this is boring, we don’t want to hear about all the good stuff you’re getting done.  But trust me, when I fall on stage (we’re going back to the Madonna analogy), I do it with a bang!

Stay tuned for the pyrotechnics!

The 12 Pounds of Christmas

December 16, 2010 24 comments

I am Paige and I have a problem.  My vices have become so debilitating that I cannot make it two hours, TWO HOURS, without chocolate or some Christmas treat!  And every night presents a new reason to drink.  (Okay, I can find a reason every night to have a glass of wine, but I’m talking about really good reasons like Christmas parties, holiday traditions and my feet were cold.)

So here it is – my 12 pounds of Christmas:

  1. The kids made peppermint bark. What kind of mother would I be if I didn’t eat it and tell them how yummy it was.
  2. Every year we have our favorite toffee shipped from Colorado.  WE ONLY GET IT ONCE PER YEAR – of course I ate it – I had to before my husband did.
  3. I attended my work holiday luncheon and drank white wine – hey it paired nicely with the heavy cream bisque. 
  4. After the lunch we had a morale event that was bartending lessons (and tasting) – it was a morale event, I had to participate. 
  5. Following bartending, we had an after party at another bar.  I am on the leadership team, I had to drink to make others feel like it was ok.  But because I am a manager, I didn’t want people getting too drunk, so I ordered everyone a bunch of pizzas.  I had to eat them too- you can’t have management passing out drunk.
  6. We watched Polar Express as a family – the kids drank cocoa, I drank cocoa and Bailey’s.  It’s a requirement.
  7. The kids made sugar cookies – again with the good mother thing.
  8. We made gingerbread houses – I had to “clean up” the left over frosting.
  9. One of the neighbors brought over chocolate covered pretzels – nobody can say I am a bad neighbor, I ate the pretzels.
  10. The kids made those peanut butter cookies with the Hershey kisses.  AND they used dark chocolate – my favorite.  Being such a fantastic mom to my lil’ bakers is becoming a problem.
  11. We had dinner at a friend’s house, they poured cocktails, I didn’t want to be a rude, so I drank three.
  12. We stood out in the cold to watch Santa come through the neighborhood on a fire truck, it was cold, I needed to stay warm, I prefer liquid heat.

So as you can see, in the spirit of giving, because I am a giver, and in the spirit of the holidays, I have done my duty as a mother, friend, neighbor, boss and employee.  I have eaten and drank nightly and CHRISTMAS IS STILL OVER A WEEK AWAY!  Does this mean I’ll stop now before Christmas?  Uh, no!  I want to be on Santa’s good list, and judging from his belly he rewards those who selflessly indulge, like me, over those who turn their back on holiday traditions.  At the rate I am going, I am pretty sure Santa is bringing me diamonds and a new car.

Eat, drink and be merry!

 

Advertising – WTF

December 15, 2010 13 comments

What exactly did I search, buy or look at on the internet to get this email?!

Now, I am not going to lie, I do sometimes feel like a seventy-year old woman – just ask my beloved Chiropractor.  However, as long as I follow her treatment plan of exercise (uh…), Advil and wine (this is why I love her), I should not need a scooter for at least another five years.

But I am not going to lie, I am still tempted to get one for neighborhood parties.  I live in a hilly neighborhood; walking home in heels after a few cocktails is risky.  Can you get a SUI?  Scootering Under the Influence?

Categories: Humor Tags: , ,

Pictures with Santa Fail

December 13, 2010 14 comments

We are dashing through the snow our Christmas checklist of things to do with the kids during the holiday season.  Yesterday we hung up the Christmas lights outside and last night was the night to go take pictures with Santa.

Pictures with Santa is not one of my favorite activities: the waiting, the screaming kids, the germs – and that is before we even leave the house!  But, we have to pay our $20 for our 3 x 5 picture that proves we love our kids.  But this year was going to be fun, we had a plan…

We had dinner with a few friends and then raced around dressing the kids so that people would think my children regularly wore ironed, button-down shirts and poofy dresses.  I went to put on my daughter’s black tights and discovered I had brought footless leggings, so I pulled them down over her heels and shoved the ends into the toes of her black Mary Jane’s.  “But mommy, this is not how they work,” exclaimed my exasperated daughter.  “I know sweetie, but Mommy is silly and  we don’t want you to look goofy (I almost said stupid and caught myself) in your picture.”  I think the desperation in my voice and the rushing around of the other moms convinced my daughter to just go with it.

We packed the kids into the cars and headed off to see the big man.  As we were driving there, one of my friends said, “I didn’t think  to call to see what time the mall closes on a Sunday”.  It was 5:55 pm so I knew we were safe, no self-respecting mall closed before 9:00 pm this close to Christmas.

We pulled into the mall, congratulating ourselves for deciding to go on a Sunday night since there were far fewer cars in the parking lot.  We got the kids out of the car and somehow made it through the parking lot without losing anyone.  The kids were running around like someone had given them a Santa size portion of cocoa and I figured letting them run a bit before hitting the picture line would help preserve my last holiday nerve.

We opened the door to the mall… wait, why is it not opening?  They lock one of the doors?  All the doors are locked?  What the holly?  What time does the fa la la la la mall close?! 

6:00 pm.

My kids now have a picture in their Christmas finest in front of Coca-Cola machine – hey, at least it’s red and white!

Tell me about one your holiday mishaps.  I’ll either learn from your mistake or repeat it on purpose.