Archive for November, 2010

Seven Deadly Sins Challenge – Sloth

November 30, 2010 6 comments

I have bragged through vanity, recovered from gluttony and had a blast with greed,  so it’s time to move on to seven things I neglect to do.  First I have to say that lately I feel like listing seven things I don’t neglect to do would be much simpler!  Does anybody else feel like life is chaos right now?  I feel like I am barely treading water and slightly (or majorly) behind on everything!

  1. Wash my hair. I really am lazy and sometimes I get up in the morning and have so much to do that washing my hair feels like a waste of time.  I always take a shower… eventually…
  2. Mail greeting cards.  I have cards, I think of people on certain occasions, but I can’t get them to the post office!  Similarly, I have baby gifts for two people that have been sitting on my counter for weeks!
  3. Floss.  At least I am honest.
  4. Exercise.  I was on a roll, now I just look like one.
  5. Share pictures.  I have taken so many great pictures of friends and their kids, someday they will get to see them.
  6. Clean out my closet. Ugh.
  7. Breathe.  So today, I cut out early from work (I am on business travel), bought a cupcake and inhaled it. 

What are you neglecting to do?  Is it because you’re busy or the task is not appealing?

Maybe tomorrow...

Seven Deadly Sins Challenge – Greed

November 26, 2010 10 comments

I am continuing my posts about the seven deadly sins.  I have covered vanity and gluttony, it is time for greed.

Here are my seven worldly material desires (Santa, I hope you’re reading this):

  1. Palatial Pad: A house on the hill overlooking the lake and the city with a disappearing edge swimming pool
  2. Killer Car: BMW 650 convertible.  I have always been practical and never owned a sports car or a convertible.  Mommy needs a sweet ride!
  3. The Life: I’d like to be able to quit my job, keep my nanny and do the good work you don’t get paid for (and still get everything on this list, of course!)
  4. Travel: Most parts of the world fascinate me and I would like to see it all.  I want to plan vacations to the destinations my kids are learning about in school.  If they are learning US history, I want to take them to Washington, DC.  And when they’re not learning about a specific place, I want to travel anyways.
  5. Diamonds: Earrings, a tennis bracelet, an upgrade on my wedding ring.  I am a girl who likes the bling.
  6. Wardrobe: Goodbye Old Navy and Target, hello custom fit, designer threads.  Jimmy Choo’s and Louis Vuitton bags fall in here too.
  7. Vacation homes:  Yes, that is plural.  A house on our favorite lake, a house in the snow, a beach house in Hawaii.

I know this is about greed, but as I finish this list, I am not as excited as I thought I would be.  Sure, I would love all the things on the list above, but it seems to me that these only sound nice if I have nailed the important stuff:

  • Healthy family and friends
  • Happy, confident children
  • A loving, supportive husband
  • Great friends
  • Balance – less stress, more smiles

The thing is I do have the above most of the time (well, I am working on balance), so I am not sure I can ask for more.  With it being Thanksgiving week, I am so thankful for my blessings that the material stuff doesn’t seem as important.

What do you want more than anything?  It is ok to say the purse or the shoes. Because let me tell you, if I win the lotto, I will have no trouble spending it.

7 Deadly Sins – Gluttony

November 25, 2010 7 comments

Happy Thanksgiving!

As I mentioned last night, I am going to do seven posts about my seven deadly sins.  Last night I covered vanity.  In honor of the tens of thousands of calories I plan to consume today, I am covering the second sin: gluttony.  Here are my seven guilty pleasures – narrowing it down to seven will be tough!

  1. C-H-O-C-O-L-A-T-E
  2. Wine
  3. Any cocktail with rum, but not Malibu rum – too sweet!
  4. Yellow cake with chocolate frosting
  5. Jaeger
  6. Carnitas
  7. Pizza and beer

And what makes me the most gluttonous?  That I would gladly attempt to eat and drink all of the above on the same day! 

I feel compelled to dedicate this post to several friends.  You know who you are and here’s why:

  • Most people think of Napa for its wine, but we know it’s just a beautiful food fest with wine on the side. 
  • CRACK CAKE!  This cake is more addictive than any drug I have ever heard of.
  • We won’t drink the whole bottle tonight… (famous last words about wine)
  • Hmmmm – the universal sound of gluttony.
  • She has hidden candy bars in her couch!  Really!


The 7 Deadly Sins Challenge: Vanity

November 24, 2010 10 comments

I know I have written about the seven deadly sins before, but the challenge that Ronnie over at The Candy Shoppe embarked on intrigued me, so I decided to jump on the band wagon and give you seven days of information about me that you didn’t ask for and might even fear knowing…

Here’s the schedule, and by schedule, I mean the topics I will cover over seven days.  But those seven days won’t necessarily be consecutive, because what if one of my kids starts a riot or I win the lotto?  I would need to interrupt this exercise in over-exposure to tell you about such things.  Or I might take a day off to recover from eating Turkey…

Day 1 – Vanity:  Seven great things about yourself.
Day 2 – Gluttony:  Seven guilty pleasures. (Yes, I timed gluttony to coincide with Thanksgiving!)
Day 3 – Avarice (Greed):  Seven worldly material desires.
Day 4 – Sloth:  Seven things you neglect to do.
Day 5 – Envy:  Seven things you lack and covet.
Day 6 – Wrath:  Seven things that piss you off.
Day 7 – Lust:  Seven love secrets

Let’s get started – Vanity, seven great things about me:

  1. I am a great devils advocate.  I can always look at both sides of a situation.  My husband jokes I have an extra dose of empathy, so it is easy for me to put myself in someone else’s shoes.
  2. My feet – I really do think my feet are my the cutest part of my body.
  3. My cooking – no really!  The few things I do make are phenomenal – Grand Marnier French Toast, Quiche, Pumpkin Pancakes, Moroccan Chicken – all super yummy!
  4. Song lyrics  – I have an uncanny ability to recall song lyrics from the 90’s – Beastie Boys, Bust-a-move – try me!
  5. Self-deprecation – I am absolutely not afraid to laugh at myself. As exemplified in number four.
  6. Power of persuasion – Being persuasive is a core competency of my profession, but it also serves me in other parts of my life.  Except for my kids, I can’t even persuade them to walk straight!
  7. My husband – I was running out of ideas and I asked my husband what is great about me and he responded “me”.  He thinks he is something great about me…  He also said I am a great wife and mother, but he seemed most heartfelt about himself.

What’s great about you?

One of the many hats I wear...

Tooth Fairies for Adults

November 24, 2010 10 comments

A few weeks ago my son and his friend were wrestling and they bumped heads which resulted in my son’s first two loose teeth.  While at the dentist yesterday, she “assisted” them in falling out.  My son was so happy to lose his teeth and prepare for the tooth fairy.  When he woke up this morning he had a letter and money from the tooth fairy and she left behind a little magic glitter.  It got me to thinking, What kind of fairies would I want?  What would I like to wake up to?

  • Work Fairy – When I wake up in the morning, this little darling would have finished all the work I should have the night before.
  • Clothing Fairy – I leave out my old, boring clothes and she replaces them with new, perfect fitting, ensembles.
  • Cocktail Fairy – She ensures there are no hangovers from over-indulgence the night before.
  • Sleep Fairy – She casts a protective bubble around me so I sleep without noise or light interruption.  (She may have to use duct tape in the kids!)
  • Exercise Fairy – She handles my workout before I get up.  So I can move promptly to eating!
  • Breakfast Fairy – She anticipates my cravings and whips up Eggs Benedict and biscuits and gravy – fat-free of course! 😉
  • Cleaning Fairy – No description required.
  • Errands Fairy – With errands off my list, balance is almost inevitable!
  • Beauty Fairy – Goodbye wrinkles and blemishes!

What Fairies do you want?


Categories: Humor, Parenting, Uncategorized

Maui, Poop and Hookers

November 23, 2010 6 comments

We have just returned home from ten glorious days in Maui.  Okay, we got home Saturday, but it took some time to adjust to reality.  I had planned on writing and blogging from Maui, but I was too busy living and enjoying.  I am so far behind on the novel challenge that I may have to abandon it and I am ok with that.  Ten days of truly enjoying my family provided me joy and memories that I can’t catch up on later.  I can catch up on writing when the time is right.

You may already be saying to yourself, this is not the Paige we know.  She didn’t push to get everything done, she didn’t stress over what she wasn’t accomplishing.  With fruity drinks, gorgeous sunsets and no work, I think even the craziest of moms can find a little balance.  It was a wonderful, relaxing vacation where I had the opportunity to play with my kids and enjoy time with my husband.  There is no greater gift or sense of accomplishment.

Telling you all about my vacation would be just bragging and possibly painful if you would rather be in Maui than reading this.  When you are on vacation or have returned from vacation the Golden Rule is reversed: ‘If you can’t say something mean, don’t say anything at all’.  This prevents taunting others with your fabulous life.  This rules keeps my friendship with some of my friends going.  When Sarah called me in Hawaii to see how it was going, I could hear her kids screaming in the background as she tried to do laundry and make dinner.  I was smart and kind enough not to tell her I was sitting in a lounge chair with a cocktail and my kids were frolicking in the pool while I watched the waves crash.  Who wants to hear that when they are stuck in normal household hell.  I simply replied, “It’s nice, and a bit overcast”.  She giggled and thanked me for my discretion.  In the spirit of the reverse  golden rule, I will stick to the unusual “highlights”.

Our first dinner: We had planned to have a lovely dinner on our first night in Hawaii to celebrate our arrival.  But after starting our travel day at 3:30 in the morning, then taking the kids swimming, our craving for dinner became a craving for sleep.  Our dinner of Ritz Bits and POG (pineapple orange guava) juice never tasted so good before our seven o’clock bedtime!

Avoiding the Pool Closure:  My three-year old is potty-trained.  We have a pool at home and never have had an issue with accidents in the pool.  Within 20 minutes of our arrival at our timeshare, she limped down the stairs of the kids pool, holding her bottom.  I thought she was hurt, but when I asked if she was ok, she said “Mom, I have to poop NOW!”  I realized she was holding in what had already happened and raced her to our room (thank goodness for a first floor room).  I narrowly avoided being the mom whose kid caused a six-hour pool closure. 

Closing The Door on the Kids: The first three nights my husband, my two kids and I shared one hotel room.  We tried to make the kids share one of the double beds, but listening to them fight over who kicked who did not work out so well.  The lesser of two evils was to have one of them sleep with each of us.  My son snores and grinds his teeth and my daughter kicks like a lunatic.  So my husband and I traded off, one night I had physical pain, the next would be audio torture.  But once we moved to our time share, we were able to put them both on the pull out sofa and close the door.  They still kicked, whined and snored, but we didn’t hear it.  Ah bliss!

Escaping the Stinky Runner:  Several mornings I ran from our timeshare to Whaler’s Village and back. It’s three miles roundtrip.  About a mile in to my run, a very fit female runner got on the path just in front of me.   As I was running behind her, I noticed the most awful smell.  It didn’t go away.  I came to the conclusion that she was crop-dusting me.  If you don’t know what that is, let me give you a lesson full of class – crop-dusting is when you are trying to get rid of some gas without getting caught by those around you so you keep moving.  I figured it couldn’t last too long, but after another two tenths of a mile, I decided this was not what paradise should smell like and I turned around and went the other way.

A New Friend:  My husband and I did three dinners without the kids.  On one of our date nights we went to a very kid UN-friendly restaurant in Kapalua.  We were sitting on a deck watching the sunset over cocktails.  A stunning brunette asked us to take her picture, explaining it was her birthday.  She was by herself (kind of weird on her birthday, don’t you think?).  She twice struck up odd conversation with us that we politely closed.  At one point the waiter walked by and gave her a funny look.  She quickly excused herself.  As she walked away, my husband and I looked at each other and said “Hooker”.  About forty-five minutes later she found herself a “client”.  I thought I was the only one who worked on my birthday.

Hawaii was amazing and filled with just enough humor, odd smells and interesting people.  What is your idea of paradise?  What are the unusual highlights of vacations you have taken?

Happy, balanced family!

Quotes for My Kids’ Weddings

November 8, 2010 18 comments

One of may favorite bloggers Ironic Mom does Whiteboard Wednesday posts where she talks about something she has said to her kids that sounds bizarre when taken out of context.  Reading her weekly quotes has made me more cognizant of things I say to my own children.

I realized tonight, not only is it fun to pay attention to these funny moments, but these quotes could be great embarrassment when each of my children get married. (Yes, I am THAT Mom).  So today I am providing an entry for the list of quotes I will say at my daughter’s wedding.

My three-year old has developed this habit of torture where she poops at 9:00 every night.  At 7:30, we take her to the bathroom, read her a book (or four) and put her to bed.  After both kids are in bed, my husband and I try to catch  up on work… or internet surfing.  Inevitably, my daughter interrupts my productivity by getting out of bed and announcing she has to poop.  It does not matter if she pooped at dinnertime, bedtime or both.  My husband and I are convinced that she saves some poop to use as an excuse to get out of bed!

Last night was no different.  As I was trying to work (aka party on Twitter) my daughter strolled into my room announcing she had to poop.  My husband is already spared this interruption because his office is at the other end of the house (I am sure he planned that!).  It is also because he recently said she was faking it and sent her to bed, only to discover she was telling the truth and was taking a long time because it was hurting.  She didn’t have a bladder infection, but rather a minor irritation.  But it did require me to do one those “only a parent job” of holding a wipe on her to soothe the stinging.  When I did this she pee’d on my hand!  I couldn’t get upset and simply washed my hand MULTIPLE TIMES!  (This tangent is important, read on…)

Last night, my little diva sat on the potty for at least 15 minutes singing, talking to me or talking to her imaginary friends (she has almost as many as I do!).  I finally go in the bathroom to try and hurry her up and she asks me to hold a wipe on her bottom so she can poop without it hurting.  That’s when I am compelled to say:

“You can’t poop on my hand!

She may have had some discomfort pooping, but that is where I draw the line.  She is going to need a higher paid ass butler for that task!

What weird things have you done for your kids?  Or what thing have you said that would sound strange without (or even with!) context?

Remember, the more comments I get, the less off-balance I think I am…

She's laughing because she has an ass butler!

Categories: Humor, Parenting, Quotes Tags: ,

I Almost Stole a Car… Again

November 5, 2010 16 comments

I really need to pull it together.  I am on a business trip and when I landed I went to retrieve my rental car from Avis.  I looked on the board, saw my name, P. Moran and headed for the parking space where my car was.  I loaded all my stuff, got in, adjusted the mirror and prepared to start the car.  I glanced up at the rental card, because since I have stolen a rental car once, I always double-check. 

Stop – you know you’re curious about the first stolen car, go read it, I’ll wait here. Do you want me to hold your keys?  If you’re in a hurry just read the part under fairy amusing.   

Welcome back.  So, I checked the card on the dashboard.  Yep, P. Moran, that’s me.  Wait, P. Moran, I am actually P. Morgan you silly people. 

I thought it was strange that they spelled my name wrong since I have my whole profile saved in the system, so I flipped the card over – who the heck is Pam Moran?!  Could they have really goofed my name up that badly?  Since I already have a special mark next to my name in the Avis system as someone who grabs any car lying around, I thought it best to go back and check the board again.  I take all my stuff out of the car and start walking back towards the Avis Podium.  An Avis employee sees me walking back with my stuff.  “Ma’am, is everything ok with the car?” (I wish he would have said Miss). “I think I may have almost gotten in the wrong car or you have some typos on my rental card,” I explain. 

We look at the board and there is P. Moran and, what do you know, P. Morgan is right below it…

Make me feel better, share with me a blooper you have committed.

I am much more subtle...

Crazy Just Got Crazier

November 4, 2010 15 comments

I talk about struggling for balance, for never having enough time in the day.  I lament that I want to cut back at work and spend more time at home with the kids.  So what is my genius solution?  Enter a writing contest. 

NaNoWriMo is a writing program where you write a  novel in 30 days.  50,000 words in 30 days. 1,667 words per day.  The goal is not have a finished product, but rather just to get ideas down.  I am not supposed to edit, just write.  Hmm, run my mouth without censoring, I can probably handle that.   

You are entitled to skip straight to the comments and tell me that I am an idiot for signing up for this.  But here’s the thing, writing gives me balance, it’s how I sort out emotions, diffuse anger and appreciate life.  I have always dreamed of writing a book and a good friend suggested I turn my stories that I blog about into a semi-fiction book about being a crazy parent.  So I am going for it.  Will I have a finished product December 1st? No, but I’ll have a very rough draft.  Very rough I said!

Occasionally I might share an excerpt here, both to get feedback and to not overwhelm myself with blogging and writing.  So here we go, your first sneak peek (remember, just ideas, not a Pulitzer submission) of “Parenting Taught Me I Don’t Know Sh*t”.  (I haven’t made the philosophical decision about swearing in my novel.  I don’t swear on my blog, but I do swear in real life).

Okay, I am stalling, hear you go:

Pregnancy and Private Planes

A week into bed-rest my husband has to attend the wedding of a college buddy.  It’s a 2 hour plane ride from home and he “has to go” because he is the best man.  What about his best wife and best, going-to-be-born-at-any-moment baby?!  After a few hormonal battles, I agree to let him go, like I ever had a choice???  My cousin, who has a two-year-old agrees to come stay with me since I am still on bed-rest which clearly means I need a baby-sitter! (I was also bored and thrilled for the company!) 

I call my husband and… get f’ing voice mail!  What?! He is supposed to have his cell phone on him at all times in case I need him.  We had agreed he would only turn it off during the 20 minute ceremony!  Fine, I leave a message and will call again in 21 minutes.  19 minutes later I call again – voice mail.  I leave another message and wait. 10 minutes, 20 minutes, I am approaching hysteria! 

My cousin tries to point out the obvious – I am not in labor, but all I can say is , “But what if I were?!”  I leave another irate message about him not caring about me and the baby, and being an irresponsible father before he even has a baby.  My husband will tell you I left 15+ similar messages, I say prove it!  When he finally calls me back SIX HOURS LATER he is breathless, panicked and remorseful.  “I am sorry babe, my phone battery died and no one else brought their phones into the wedding.  I have been running around for hours trying to find a phone to call you.  Is everything okay?  I checked my voice mail and it said I had 15 messages, what happened?!” 

As I listen to him talk, I realize the impossible – he is drunk!  “Have you been drinking?!  You promised me you wouldn’t drink in case you had to get home in a hurry! What were you thinking?”  “Babe, listen.  I have had a few drinks.  It’s an open bar and I am the best man.  When the father-of-the-bride handed us shots, it would have been rude to say no”.  “Rude to say no!” I thunder, “Rude would be missing your baby’s birth because you’re too drunk to get home!”  “Honey,” he says as if he’s talking to a tantruming two-year-old, “you’re not in labor, right?” “Well, no, but I could have been!”.  He then tried to be the good guy, “Babe, I know it’s hard being on bed-rest, but if I needed to get home, I could take a cab to the airport and be on the next flight.”  I can’t be pacified, “Well what if I needed you in the middle of the night and there were no flights?! Would you charter a private plane?”  “Sweetie, the doctor said first babies are usually late and labor takes hours, even days, I am sure I would make it”  “Well OUR baby is not most babies!  Tell me you would charter a private plane if I needed you!”  “Honey, a private plane is tens of thousands of dollars, get some rest and we’ll talk in the morning”.  I will not be dissuaded, “TELL ME YOU WOULD CHARTER A PRIVATE PLANE!” “Honey, I promise I will get there for the birth of our child, I’ll see you tomorrow.  I love you and our baby.”  At this point, my cousin takes the phone, hands me some herbal tea and just smiles.  She’s smart enough not to try to reason with crazy.

Of course, it’s fiction, who really acts like that?  I did.

Design Your Own Funny Farm

November 3, 2010 22 comments

I recently sent a friend to the funny farm.  A few of us have been teasing her about holiday decorations and we finally pushed her too far, she has jokingly checked herself into a virtual,  “special resort” with pink pills, fruity drinks and no stress.  She is practicing her fetal position and listening to soft music.  Her imaginary funny farm got me to thinking… (I know, it happens once in a while, whether I meant to or not)…

If I could design a place to “check out” and regain some sanity, what would it look like? 

The Slightly Off-Balance Center for Balance

Located lake side, this sprawling resort will instill balance, joy and laughter.  Check-in and stay as long you’d like, we won’t tell your family you’re here.  Amenities include:

  • Personal bungalows with lake views, waterfalls, personal wet bars and wine cellars, light blocking window treatments (for sleeping when you’d like, as long as you’d like) and  a staff of 5 for each bungalow:
    • Cleaning lady – she picks up to, no cleaning before she arrives
    • Chef (she can also mix drinks)
    • Hair and make-up artist (should you want to socialize)
    • Massage therapist – they also give mani/pedis
  • Pictures of your children are welcome and there is a designated area to interact with them should you choose, but there is no guilt if you just watch your kids through the two-sided mirror or don’t watch at all.
  • Spouses are welcome by invitation only and you can re-send their invitation at anytime.  Spouses are brought up blind-folded so they cannot find this place on their own.
  • There is a large pool, staffed to ensure you’re never hungry or sober, I mean thirsty.
  • An intensive therapy area for new inductees where people play with your hair, pat your back and tell you you’re amazing.  Intravenous chocolate is also available.

Activities include:

  • Yoga – but only the stretchy feel good poses, no stand on one leg and feel your heart race nonsense
  • Chocolate and chick flicks – this will soon be an olympic sport, so I have been training.
  • Spa days – 24 hours per day, seven days per week on demand
  • Wine Tasting or cocktail pounding – there is no judgement here
  • Book Clubs – we’ll read to you and there are no deadlines

You will note the absence of a personal trainer – this is not a fat farm.  Through the miracles of modern science, fat and unnecessary calories have been removed from our food and beverage, but you won’t taste the difference.  Should you enjoy exercise, there are beautiful trails and a gym, but nobody cares if you go.  This same science that removes fat and calories, ensures no hangovers from too much enjoyment of the pool bar.

Tell me about your dream funny farm.  But beware, if you build it, I will come and stay a very long time!

Ahhh... Utopia

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