Archive
I Quit
No, I am not announcing my intention to quit blogging. After a 2+ year unannounced sabbatical, that would just be silly. And anti-climatic. And a short-post.
But there are several things I am thinking about quitting (or not quitting) and I promised a friend that I would stop blogging in my head, so this post is for her!
Things I Am Quitting
- Wearing workout clothes – I rarely workout these days, pajamas make more sense, but I will change them in the morning… sometimes.
- Dieting – Life is stressful, food helps. If I diet I will be more cranky and crazy than I am now. That’s not good for anyone.
- Exercising – If I am in my pajamas and busy eating, how could I possibly workout?
- Playdates – Because my definition of playdate is sending the kids out the door in hopes that they find a neighbor. Because I suck at scheduling them and then feel guilty. The only exception is when someone asks for my help (which I am truly happy to do) or my kids plan one while I am standing there (very effective and requires less back and forth texting). I may wear a short to school that says “I am happy to have your kids over. Put them in my car instead of waiting for me to offer” (good thing I am stopping the diet and exercise, that’s a lot for one shirt).
- Saying tomorrow is a new day – tomorrow will be a list of things I should have done today in addition to tomorrow’s to-dos. Tomorrow will taunt me and make me miss today. Tomorrow is a jerk.
- Pretending I know how to juggle. If I do one thing in my life well, the others suffer. I don’t know how to balance it and be sane, which leads me to…
- Sanity – it is over-rated and so damn hard to achieve.
Things I Am Not Quitting
- Self-deprecating humor – If I say it before someone else it doesn’t hurt so bad. Especially useful at work, where I do a ‘Daily F*&% Ups Recap’. With so much on my plate, things are starting to fray like a bad pair of 80’s denim cut-offs
- Drinking – Wine and Vodka (no not mixed together… usually…) keeps the men with the nice white coat from putting me in the nice padded room.
- Wishing I could write more – Because it’s healthier than wine and vodka.
- Remembering that many people are chasing that elusive balance. Balance is like an Elvis sighting, they happen from time to time, but aren’t believable.
- My job –
Because it fulfills meit pays the bills. As soon as I find the money tree in my backyard, I will have a whole new blog. For now, I just have a lot of holes in my backyard – watch your step. - Swearing – It’s cathartic.
- Friends – I have a 60+hour per week job and 2 kids in school and sports. I only have help four hours per week. I don’t see any of my amazing friends as much as I’d like, but knowing they exist is much better than imaginary friends.
- My husband and kids – the three most amazing blessings God could give me. They make everything worth it (although often contribute to my insanity)
- Recognizing the humor in life’s challenges. I can’t commit to laughing, but I will observe said humor with a smug look on my face.
What are you quitting or not quitting?
10 Lessons From a Girl’s Weekend
I had a fabulous girls weekend. Friday night was book club a passion party and Saturday I left for San Francisco for some quality time with my cousin (who is more like a sister). I had a wonderful weekend full of laughs, yummy food and female bonding, but certainly learned a few lessons:
- When soup boils over, do not grab a wet paper towel to pull the grate off the burner, in order to clean it immediately. Fight the OCD impulses, wait until the stove has cooled down and never use a wet towel – paper or otherwise.
- When hosting a passion party, not only do you need to have the kids out of the house, but they need to remain out of the house until you do a full cleaning. Check under the sofa to make sure there are no passion party product catalogs that your kids can find.
- When departing for the city – listen to the advice you give your kids – go potty before you leave. While you may not be conspicuous running through Union Square doing the pee pee (or worse) dance, it can be uncomfortable and the thought of not making it to the hotel bathroom frightening.
- When driving to any big city, choose your car wisely. The biggest SUV on the road is not the best choice. If you have no other vehicle option, make sure you know the height restrictions of the parking garage AND the height of your car. Accuracy is important here, otherwise one might learn what those metal tube height signs sound like when they scrape the top of your car. Luggage racks can act as the
sacrifical lamblife saver in this situation. - Valet parking (with the additional oversize vehicle fee) at the hotel is expensive, but slightly less than the deductible on your car insurance. Suck it up when the valet mentions your car is not the best choice for the city.
- Eating your way through San Francisco may sound like a
goodgreat idea, but should be left to the professionals. Over eating can lead to food coma which can cause falling asleep during the previews of a movie and one should be careful about sleeping in the Metreon. Three such food comas in 24 hours probably isn’t healthy and may result in a sleepless night, despite the Heavenly Bed. - Check your cell phone alarm clock and ensure it is off. Waking up at 6:00 am on a girls weekend after a night of food coma fall-out can be hazardous.
- If you plan to shop in the city, tell your husband in advance to avoid shell shock. If you don’t plan to shop in the city, you’re just fooling yourself. Shopping in the city is as unavoidable as encountering crazy, ranting women with black eyes and missing teeth.
- When a man is sitting in the park with a sign that says “Free Advice”, you should stop and listen. It can’t be worse than the advice we give our friends.
- There is nothing better for your soul than a weekend of girl time (and nothing worse for your waist line).
Seven Deadly Sins – Envy
I am sitting here ridiculously full from a meal out with friends and their kids. When I finished my meal off the guilt free menu, I moved on to my kids’ hamburger and chicken nuggets. Unbeknownst to me they had gotten a hold of the salt shaker, that didn’t stop me. I am now uncomfortable. This will explain the theme of my envy.
- I envy people who are smarter than me and don’t overeat.
- I envy those who don’t crave cheese, chocolate, butter and carbs all day long.
- I envy those who have the willpower to turn down sweets. (My husband just brought me a piece of candy that I should not eat. Hmmm… yum.)
- I envy people who wake up excited to workout.
- I really envy those who don’t need to workout
- I envy anyone who doesn’t have a stomach ache right now.
- I envy pregnant women with an excuse to eat and gain weight. (Don’t confuse me with the details that they have to lose the weight afterwards.)
Does anyone think I have a problem? If so, let’s discuss it over a slice of pizza.
What?!
Parenting Handbook – Meals
I got the BRILLIANT idea of writing a “parenting handbook” in which I would pass on my super secret, full-proof parenting wisdom. If this feels like a to-good-to-be-true gimmick, then you’re on the right track! NONE of my parenting advice is full-proof and it is rarely wise, but I’ll share it with you anyways for the amazing low price of $20.00 – that’s the price of my co-pay on my kids therapy, from being subjected to my “wise” advice.
Because I have SO much wisdom to share, I will break it down into sections, starting with meals. Meals are tough in our house. I think this is because I am a control-freak and try too hard to prove how great of a mommy I am (a-hem) by getting my kids to eat what I think they should, when I think they should. So here’s how you do it:
- Eating games: Show me how a dinosaur eats (and every other possible animal) This will not teach great table manners. As it turns out Dinosaurs and other “cool” animals are VERY messy eaters!
- Reverse psychology: “Do not eat your chicken because I really liked it and I am going to eat yours when I finish mine”. The problem with this approach is the possibility of, “Here you go mom…”
- Fun with counting: “I bet you can’t count all the bites you can eat!” This is my crowning glory as I get my kids to eat and can check off working on their numbers. I am huge multi-tasker, so the only way I could improve this is to incorporate reading or social skills. Hmm…
- Cool names. Turkey Lurkey is one of their favorites and it’s chicken, not turkey. We have confused our share of waiters and dinner guests with our secret code names for food.
When these fail (absurd as that may seem…) here is Plan B (read the fine print):
The following is meant for entertainment purposes only. Use of the below tactics is done at your own risk.
- Negotiation: “I’ll give you $5 to eat your whole dinner”
- Fear: “Your friend Aiden barfed one night because he didn’t eat his dinner…” (I really used that one in a less than spectacular parenting moment)
- Proximity: Duct tape the little darling to the chair until dinner is done.
- Supply and Demand: Starve them for a few days, then they are bound to eat just about anything.
- Peer Pressure: All the cool kids are eating this.
- Listen to Their Bodies: Feed them whatever they want. If they are craving it, their body must need it.
What other parenting challenges would you like for me to solve? I am taking requests! 😉
It's what my body needs Mom!
The 7 Deadly Sins of Parenting
MSN did a piece yesterday about the Seven Deadly Sins . It got me to thinking about my sins as a parent:
Lust: With our busy schedules, traditional lust is not a daily occurrence around here. However, I will admit to lusting after shoes and purses. My shopping budget is about as scarce as lust, so I lust after the material things I gave up when I gave birth to the products of traditional lust.
Wrath: I have shared with you the dangers of the crazy mama bear. They say there is no greater wrath/fury than a woman scorned. Wrong! There is no greater wrath than me if you so much as look at my children in a threatening way. Only I can give them that look.
Pride: This is practically a gimme for parents. Have I told you my six-year-old and three-year old can water ski? Yes, I have, but I’m glad to have the opportunity to tell you brag again. I would post pictures of my kids to show the world how stinkin’ cute they are, but it goes back to that wrath and over-protective mama thing. So, pride – check.
Greed: If honesty compensates for greed than let me be clear: I would love to be rich, but not famous. I want enough money to choose my activities, to only work on things I am passionate about, to work less and enjoy life more. But it’s not just money, I want more time too. Time with the kids, time with my husband, time for myself, time for my friends. Call me Veruca: I want more and I want it now.
Envy: I envy moms (and dads) who appear to have more balance in their lives than me. I say “appear” because if they are anything like me, you shouldn’t look behind their curtain either.
Gluttony: Covered that with my post about Mommy’s Hierarchy of Needs. I use sweets and cocktails to achieve balance in my slightly off-balance life. When I really want to show my kids how much I care for them I say, “I love you more than chocolate” and sometimes I mean it.
Sloth: I have had 7 different posts that mention my inconsistent showering habits (really, I counted). Sloth is practically my middle name! I dare say I envy those who have more opportunities to be lazy than me. Do I get double points for a sin about a sin?
Bringing little angels into the world drives us to commit sin on a daily basis. Does that make me a great parent, a bad parent or just totally normal?
Mommy’s Hierarchy of Needs
My husband walked into the kitchen after we put our kids to bed and found me serving up a bowl of ice cream and stealing part of my kids homemade ice cream sandwich. He looked at me, recognized the seriousness of the situation and kept walking. He knew his life was in jeopardy if he tried to stop me or reason with me. He understands the “Mommy’s Hierarchy of Needs” based very loosely on the Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.
Based on how tough of a day I have had, I have different needs for coping. Here is the graphical representation:
As you can see, from the scientific diagram above, there are 5 levels of need. Within each level, the amount needed to cope can vary based on the severity of the day. Sweets is level one, but one M&M is a good day compared to a whole chocolate cake which is a catastrophic day. The most rare and severe level is a shot. If the day requires a shot, alternative child care should be arranged!
However, the pyramid can also represent exceptional days, where each level would denote the amount of celebration appropriate for the occasion.
With good days and bad days, levels can be combined to most accurately represent the situation and mommy’s psychological state. For example, a shot and a cupcake means that the principal, poop and stitches were involved.
So as not to discriminate, I will put together Daddy’s Hierarchy of Needs in a future post.
What New York Taught This Suburban Mom
I am home from New York. I spent four days with my husband, WITHOUT MY KIDS, in a town of incredible sights, history, food and culture to celebrate the wedding of a friend. It was my first trip to the Big Apple and I was delighted, overwhelmed and more than a little off-balance. Here are my lessons learned…
Flights Are Fabulous: Normally, when my husband and I fly together, we have the kids with us, which means I come off the plane sweaty, exhausted, cranky, stained and ready for a parachute. On these two glorious flights I read books, drank wine (yeah, the break-up might be over), watched movies and RELAXED. I didn’t actually care where the flight landed since the experience itself was so therapeutic.
Size Does Not Matter, It’s All About the View: My 2,800 square foot house can seem too small with the kids and all their toys, but a 1,000 square foot corner suite hotel room (thank you hotel points) over-looking the harbor is a little piece of Heaven.
I Hate Crowds: I am a people person but I DO NOT love swarming crowds of tourists. Yes, I get that I was one of those tourists, but I think the problem was that I would like to sight-see like a celebrity, while everyone else stays home. The sensory overload of Times Square is craizer than 25 kids for a six-year-old birthday party! If I am in the mood for sensory overload I will chaperone my daughter’s preschool field trips. At least then I will know the kids who own the sweat I rub up against.
Suburban Life Requires Less Showers: I have shared in my posts that, since I work from home, there are times, a-hem.. days, when I do not shower. I had to wash city life off of me at least twice per day. If I stepped off the curb wrong, I was splashed with gutter grime (water would not be an accurate word to describe what hit my legs).
Moms Should Teach Taxi Driving School: I can get an SUV full of 6 year olds anywhere on time without inducing motion sickness. I can drive the carpool, while putting on a movie and passing back the juice boxes, without breaking any laws or startling anyone. (Unless I yell, “Don’t make me pull this car over”). The taxi to the airport took two ginger ales to recover from.
Moms CAN Sleep-in After Having Kids: It turns out that staying up until 2:30 in the morning, having cocktails is doable if you can sleep until 11:30 the next morning. I didn’t even know if I was still physically capable of sleeping late. I have confirmed that mothers can still do shots and be the life of the party if given time to recover…
Adults Need Moderation Too: We don’t hand our children the candy basket and tell them to use their best judgement. The same rule should probably apply to parents re-released into the wild – aka at an event with a fully hosted bar. Just because it is there and free, doesn’t mean one (okay, me) should try to take full advantage. The extra sleep helped, but I still had to relive the hazy memories of giving breast-feeding advice to someone I had just met.
Parks Are For Adults Too: My favorite part of my kids-free trip was a park! We had a delightful brunch at The Boathouse in Central Park and then strolled around the lake. I turned to my husband and said, “oh the kids would love this”. He said, “You’re right, but we’re not bringing them while they’re young”. He’s a smart guy.
Thank you New York for reminding me what being a civilized adult feels like. Thank you for the one-on-one time with my husband, for the beautiful sites and delicious food. Finally, thank you for perspective – when I had my first dose of mommy frustration upon coming home, as the kids were being loud and rowdy, I was able to say, ‘Thank God I am not in the heat of Times Square with all those crazy tourists!’
I Have Slept in the Rain, I Am Not High Maintenance
- I don’t belive in manicures. (Although I have vastly different views on pedicures)
- If there is food involved I can be ready in under three minutes to walk out the door. (But you may not want to sit across from me)
- If you’re cooking, I will eat it, no questions asked.
- I drink beer, not just wine and cocktails. The Silver Bullet suits me just fine.
- I love hand-me-downs for my kids.
- My Nieman Marcus is Marshalls.
- Filet mignon and pizza are pretty much on the same level for me.
- Days, okay I won’t lie – weeks, go by without me doing my make-up or hair.
- If I don’t leave the house, I don’t dress up, or get dressed…
- I will camp. In a tent. In the rain. And have fun.
Just like the Four Seasons!
10 Rules of Slightly Off-Balance Me
I am currently reading Bitter Is The New Black by Jen Lancaster. In her book, she has the “Jen Commandments” that basically give her boyfriend Fletch some guidelines he must adhere to. Hilarious! They inspired me to write my commandments. I am sure my husband has already figured these out, but a few might be universal – please check with your significant other!
- Skin care, hair care and supplements are not luxuries, they are necessities – I plan to grow old gracefully. Well, at least look graceful.
- If opening a bottle of wine, save the cheap stuff for someone else. I may have broken up with wine, but we still each other, and I want our reunions to be special.
- I like to cook but I do not want to be expected to do it on a regular basis.
- I have mowed a lawn once. Period.
- I am a HUGE over-communicator (I know you’re shocked), failure to communicate back to me will be taken as a sign of hostility.
- When faced with a situation I don’t know how to handle (like turning off a quad), I will throw my hands up in the air and say”What do I do?” Come running.
- Never leave the house without a hug and kiss goodbye. However, if one of us has not brushed our teeth, stick to the cheek please.
- That reminds me, morning breath is a huge inhibitor to morning sex.
- I like to pretend I am handy and love to have a reason to carry around the Makita (I say that word over and over), please don’t burst my bubble.
- I am fine with guy humor and fraternity house talk, but the toilet seat must be down.
Wow, 10 went fast and I have more to say. This might be the first installment of the rule book… I realize I may sound high maintenance, I prefer to tell my husband I am a delicate orchid, that when properly cared for provides endless beauty and enjoyment. (Then we both laugh hysterically.)
What are your rules?
I look handy just carrying it around!
The Difference Between Men and Women: Vacation
My husband left today for a guys’ house boating trip. I was thinking tonight about the stark difference between his boys’ weekend and a girls’ weekend with my friends. Allow me to compare:
- His trip: 3 days of house boating
- My trip: A weekend in Napa
- His luggage: a backpack and toothbrush
- My luggage: Rollerboard, large tote bag, make-up case and purse
- His shoes: Flip flops
- My shoes: 2 pairs of flip-flops, running shoes, 2 pairs of wedges and heels
- His activities: Skiing, wakeboarding, drinking
- My activities: Wine tasting, spa treatments, pool time, shopping, eating (yes for us, it qualifies as an activity) and drinking
- His time spent getting ready: 45 seconds to brush his teeth (which is optional)
- My time spent getting ready: 90 minutes if I hurry
- His conversations: boats, trucks, work
- My conversations: CENSORED
- His bedtime: 11:00 pm
- My bedtime: 2:00 am
- His cost: $150
- My cost: More than $150… no exact figures if I hope to do it again someday!
I hope he is having a wonderful time and knows that I am planning a girls trip as I write this!
His
Hers
Pay It Forward
Slightly Off-Balance 
