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What Was I Thinking?!

March 23, 2011 8 comments

What?  Where is Wine Wednesday you ask?  Well, let me tell you-

Lent is hard!  The Girl Scout Cookie deliveries, the dinner parties with margaritas, the wine book club meetings, the post t-ball practice beers (wow, yes, we have a drink for every occasion) and I CAN’T HAVE ANY OF IT!

We went to a dinner party on the first Sunday of Lent and I lapsed into vice exchange.  For those of you not familiar with this proven phenomenon.  If you give up one vice, you find another.  On the first Sunday of Lent, I traded booze and sweets for a pound of tortilla chips.  Okay, a pound may not be accurate, two pounds!  I woke up the next morning parched and feeling like I had been drinking out of the ocean.

So I did the logical thing- I gave up tortilla chips too.

To summarize: no sweets, no booze, no chips = STUPIDITY.

What was I thinking?!

But I will not quit, I will not edit my Lenten promise.  But I may be in a straight jacket by Easter!

So, no, there will be no more Wine Wednesdays during Lent, because frankly, I am not that big of a person to write about things I love, but cannot have.

I am, however, an optimist and on the bright side: I have lost 5 pounds!  Go ahead and place your bets on how fast I will put that back on. (Hint: Easter Sunday would be a safe bet)

Checking Into the Betty Crocker Clinic

February 11, 2011 19 comments

My name is Paige and I am an addict.  I have alluded to it before, but I have a problem with sweets.  It is time for an intervention, so I am checking myself into the Betty Crocker Clinic.

What?!  There is not a Betty Crocker Clinic?! It’s the Betty Ford Clinic and it’s not for sweets?

Yeah, I like alcohol too, but not as much as sweets.

Now what I do…

Addiction… intervention… 12 steps…

Brilliant!  Here are the official 12 steps and my commentary.

  1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol  sweets—that our lives had become unmanageable. Um, yeah, check.  We have to bake extra cupcakes to ensure there are enough for my kids’ schools because my cravings come first.
  2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.  Agreed, that Power is butter, sugar and cocoa – all made by God.
  3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.  Totally happy to turn my will and life over to God, what kind of oven does He have?  Does He use a hand mixer or a whisk?
  4.  Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Which led to the discovery that I was out of butter.
  5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. I am telling all of you.
  6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of characterCan He remove the fat from cupcakes too?
  7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. As long as He doesn’t remove the shortening.
  8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.  Does this include making amends for stealing my kids Halloween candy?  I am not sure I am ready for that…
  9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. If I have to hand over the chocolate, somebody might get hurt.
  10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.  I think inventory is essential, if I am wrong, how will I make cookies?
  11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.  There’s a dessert called Heavenly Bars, I think that if I eat those while praying, my contact with God should be rock solid.
  12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics sweets-aholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. The bakery kicked me out when I tried to spread the good word.

Wow, I think that was totally helpful.  Maybe I don’t need the Betty Crocker Clinic. 

But if I did, what would it be like…

If I built it, would you come?

 

 

Hello Temptation

Why I Eat Cookies

January 31, 2011 13 comments

Today has been a roller coaster!  I was scheduled to be on a plane right now headed for another business trip.  Then, an hour before I was due to leave for the airport, my meeting and trip were rescheduled. 

I am thrilled to stay home because I just got back from a week-long trip on Friday.  It was long days of meetings and social events in the evenings.  By 2:00 every day, I was ready for a nap – so I had a cookie instead. 

Once home, I was still tired and didn’t feel like I had enough time this weekend to get everything done.  I ran around until I was close to sleeping standing up – so I ate cookies to keep going.  Sugar is my caffeine.  By last night I had accomplished all I could and enjoyed a bottle (yes, a bottle) of wine, which then affected my judgment so I ate another bag of cookies.

When I got up this morning, I was melancholy about my trip.  I had been home less than 72 hours and needed more time with my husband.  What you’re expecting me to say next is “and I really needed more time with my kids”.

Except I don’t. 

From the moment I walked in the door on Friday, my little pumpkins were lunatics.  They set new temper tantrum records.  My husband was so sweet to share with me that they were great until I came home…  It is so odd, I was sad to part with them this morning, I gave them extra hugs and kisses and truly didn’t want to leave.  But now that I get to stay home, I would like to hide in my office, eat cookies and read a book.  What award do I win for that?

But I am congratulating myself on knowing where I am at and understanding what I need.  I need cookies.  I need rest.  I need cuddling with my kids.  I just don’t want the other stuff like discipline, homework, laundry and bedtime rituals.  Hmmm… I think the business trip might be more restful than parenting…

So I have decided today is I eat cookies day (and it is clearly not ‘I am a literary genius’ day).  You are welcome to join in the celebration.  This is guilt free indulgence.  Will I eat cookies in lieu if my parenting duties? No.  But will the cookies make the duties easier? You betcha!

Next time I will make this brief, I’ll quickly tell you about the isolated times when I don’t eat cookies.

What do you do to take care of yourself?  How do you cope on crazy days?



How To Choose a Superbowl 5K

January 5, 2011 12 comments

My friend and I have decided to do a few races this year and think about training for a half-marathon.  I am trying to get rid of the 12 pounds of Christmas.  And we’re both trying to get back to a place where we can eat and drink without guilt. 

Our first race is going to be Superbowl Sunday.  We had two races to choose from.  Here is our decision-making process utilizing my scientific, health-focused, methodology:

Me: “Okay there’s one 10 minutes from you and one 10 minutes from me.  Which one should we do?”

Her: “Didn’t you say the one by me had tailgate food afterwards?”

Me: “Ooh, yes, good point.  Tailgate food afterwards is a must.  Okay, I checked they both have tailgate food afterwards and beer.  Maybe we should look at elevations.  I don’t do hills.”

Her: “Oh yeah, flatter is better.” 

Me: “Okay, they both look about the same for elevation.  But the one by you does football jersey style shirts and the one by me does Hanes Beefy Tees – ugh.”

Her: “Oh, the beefy tees, always attractive.  What’s the cost of each?”

Me: “Ding, ding, we have a winner.  The one by you is $60, the one by me is $25.”

After emailing some other friends with our decision, a wise girl pointed out there is a great dive bar by the cheaper race too.

In summary:

  • Post race food and beer
  • Flat course
  • Cheap fees
  • Dive bar

We are true athletes!

Categories: Cocktails, Food, Humor Tags: , , ,

The 12 Pounds of Christmas

December 16, 2010 24 comments

I am Paige and I have a problem.  My vices have become so debilitating that I cannot make it two hours, TWO HOURS, without chocolate or some Christmas treat!  And every night presents a new reason to drink.  (Okay, I can find a reason every night to have a glass of wine, but I’m talking about really good reasons like Christmas parties, holiday traditions and my feet were cold.)

So here it is – my 12 pounds of Christmas:

  1. The kids made peppermint bark. What kind of mother would I be if I didn’t eat it and tell them how yummy it was.
  2. Every year we have our favorite toffee shipped from Colorado.  WE ONLY GET IT ONCE PER YEAR – of course I ate it – I had to before my husband did.
  3. I attended my work holiday luncheon and drank white wine – hey it paired nicely with the heavy cream bisque. 
  4. After the lunch we had a morale event that was bartending lessons (and tasting) – it was a morale event, I had to participate. 
  5. Following bartending, we had an after party at another bar.  I am on the leadership team, I had to drink to make others feel like it was ok.  But because I am a manager, I didn’t want people getting too drunk, so I ordered everyone a bunch of pizzas.  I had to eat them too- you can’t have management passing out drunk.
  6. We watched Polar Express as a family – the kids drank cocoa, I drank cocoa and Bailey’s.  It’s a requirement.
  7. The kids made sugar cookies – again with the good mother thing.
  8. We made gingerbread houses – I had to “clean up” the left over frosting.
  9. One of the neighbors brought over chocolate covered pretzels – nobody can say I am a bad neighbor, I ate the pretzels.
  10. The kids made those peanut butter cookies with the Hershey kisses.  AND they used dark chocolate – my favorite.  Being such a fantastic mom to my lil’ bakers is becoming a problem.
  11. We had dinner at a friend’s house, they poured cocktails, I didn’t want to be a rude, so I drank three.
  12. We stood out in the cold to watch Santa come through the neighborhood on a fire truck, it was cold, I needed to stay warm, I prefer liquid heat.

So as you can see, in the spirit of giving, because I am a giver, and in the spirit of the holidays, I have done my duty as a mother, friend, neighbor, boss and employee.  I have eaten and drank nightly and CHRISTMAS IS STILL OVER A WEEK AWAY!  Does this mean I’ll stop now before Christmas?  Uh, no!  I want to be on Santa’s good list, and judging from his belly he rewards those who selflessly indulge, like me, over those who turn their back on holiday traditions.  At the rate I am going, I am pretty sure Santa is bringing me diamonds and a new car.

Eat, drink and be merry!

 

7 Deadly Sins – Gluttony

November 25, 2010 7 comments

Happy Thanksgiving!

As I mentioned last night, I am going to do seven posts about my seven deadly sins.  Last night I covered vanity.  In honor of the tens of thousands of calories I plan to consume today, I am covering the second sin: gluttony.  Here are my seven guilty pleasures – narrowing it down to seven will be tough!

  1. C-H-O-C-O-L-A-T-E
  2. Wine
  3. Any cocktail with rum, but not Malibu rum – too sweet!
  4. Yellow cake with chocolate frosting
  5. Jaeger
  6. Carnitas
  7. Pizza and beer

And what makes me the most gluttonous?  That I would gladly attempt to eat and drink all of the above on the same day! 

I feel compelled to dedicate this post to several friends.  You know who you are and here’s why:

  • Most people think of Napa for its wine, but we know it’s just a beautiful food fest with wine on the side. 
  • CRACK CAKE!  This cake is more addictive than any drug I have ever heard of.
  • We won’t drink the whole bottle tonight… (famous last words about wine)
  • Hmmmm – the universal sound of gluttony.
  • She has hidden candy bars in her couch!  Really!

 

Being Off-Balance is Rewarding

September 16, 2010 10 comments

I love awards.  I love honorable  mentions, cash prizes and glossy photos on the front page.  But the best awards are those that come from someone you respect and admire.  It is also amazing to get recognized for doing something you love.  I was touched to get an award from one of my favorite bloggers, Lori Dyan.  If you like my blog, don’t read hers, because it is so much better than mine that you might break up with me!  She’s funny, honest and will broach any topic.  Check her out!

The Blogging Award she bestowed upon me is the Versatile Blogger Award and there are some rules I have to follow:

1. Acknowledge the person who nominated me.  Lori Dyan – my blog crush! (No need for a restraining order!)

2. List ten things I like.

  • Laughing so hard I pee my pants, my husband does the laundry
  • Snuggling with my kids, after their baths, at bed time, when they smell clean and yummy
  • Long road trips when the kids sleep and my husband and I get to finish a conversation – he’s a captive audience!
  • Eating fresh fish while watching a Hawaiian sunset
  • Sushi, beer and beer with the girls
  • The sound of my waterski or wakeboard cutting through perfect water
  • Cocktails – any kind, any occasion
  • Chocolate.
  • Seeing the world through my kids eyes
  • Hearing that my writing resonates with someone.

3. Now I have to nominate ten other bloggers.  This is hard because I have come to follow and love so many great bloggers, but here are 10 in no particular order:

  1. Simply Diane… – She’s funny, likes to multi-task and loves to shop – what’s not to love?
  2. The Marriage Project – We could all follow her plan to be a good wife and laugh along the way!
  3. The Candy Shoppe – Everything she rights is touching, poignant, hilarious or all three.  A true artist.
  4. The Rock Pool – A group of female bloggers sharing the diverse and global perspectives – very cool.
  5. Because Chutney Goes with Everything – She writes on all sorts of topics and had me crying with laughter over pooping at work.
  6. Confessions of a Recovering Cynic – I recently discovered her and she is my kind of humor! (Slightly depraved)
  7. The Zany Housewife – I want to have cocktails and play Canasta with this hilariously fun blogger!
  8. The Highly Uninteresting Adventures of Average Girl – Her posts on parenting and life are far from average!
  9. My Morning Chocolate – I aspire to be Jen in the kitchen.  Her blog fuels my passion for food!
  10. Conflicted Mean Girl – I know you are already a recipient, but you’re so good that you need at least two of these!

Now I am off to drink a glass of Hall Cabernet and celebrate my award!

Categories: Writing Tags: , , , , ,

Parenting Handbook – Meals

September 14, 2010 Leave a comment

I got the BRILLIANT idea of writing a “parenting handbook” in which I would pass on my super secret, full-proof parenting wisdom.  If this feels like a to-good-to-be-true gimmick, then you’re on the right track!  NONE of my parenting advice is full-proof and it is rarely wise, but I’ll share it with you anyways for the amazing low price of $20.00 – that’s the price of my co-pay on my kids therapy, from being subjected to my “wise” advice.

Because I have SO much wisdom to share, I will break it down into sections, starting with meals.  Meals are tough in our house.  I think this is because I am a control-freak and try too hard to prove how great of a mommy I am (a-hem) by getting my kids to eat what I think they should, when I think they should.  So here’s how you do it:

  • Eating games: Show me how a dinosaur eats (and every other possible animal)  This will not teach great table manners.  As it turns out Dinosaurs and other “cool” animals are VERY messy eaters!
  • Reverse psychology: “Do not eat your chicken because I really liked it and I am going to eat yours when I finish mine”.  The problem with this approach is the possibility of, “Here you go mom…”
  • Fun with counting: “I bet you can’t count all the bites you can eat!”  This is my crowning glory as I get my kids to eat and can check off working on their numbers.  I am huge multi-tasker, so the only way I could improve this is to incorporate reading or social skills.  Hmm… 
  • Cool names.  Turkey Lurkey is one of their favorites and it’s chicken, not turkey.  We have confused our share of waiters and dinner guests with our secret code names for food.

When these fail (absurd as that may seem…) here is Plan B (read the fine print):

The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.  Use of the below tactics is done at your own risk. 

  • Negotiation: “I’ll give you $5 to eat your whole dinner”
  • Fear: “Your friend Aiden barfed one night because he didn’t eat his dinner…” (I really used that one in a less than spectacular parenting moment)
  • Proximity: Duct tape the little darling to the chair until dinner is done.
  • Supply and Demand: Starve them for a few days, then they are bound to eat just about anything.
  • Peer Pressure: All the cool kids are eating this.
  • Listen to Their Bodies: Feed them whatever they want.  If they are craving it, their body must need it.

What other parenting challenges would you like for me to solve?  I am taking requests! 😉

It's what my body needs Mom!

Mommy’s Hierarchy of Needs

September 8, 2010 3 comments

My husband walked into the kitchen after we put our kids to bed and found me serving up a bowl of ice cream and stealing part of my kids homemade ice cream sandwich.  He looked at me, recognized the seriousness of the situation and kept walking.  He knew his life was in jeopardy if he tried to stop me or reason with me.  He understands the “Mommy’s Hierarchy of Needs” based very loosely on the Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.

Based on how tough of a day I have had, I have different needs for coping.  Here is the graphical representation:

As you can see, from the scientific diagram above, there are 5 levels of need.  Within each level, the amount needed to cope can vary based on the severity of the day.  Sweets is level one, but one M&M is a good day compared to a whole chocolate cake which is a catastrophic day.  The most rare and severe level is a shot.  If the day requires a shot, alternative child care should be arranged!

However, the pyramid can also represent exceptional days, where each level would denote the amount of celebration appropriate for the occasion.

With good days and bad days, levels can be combined to most accurately represent the situation and mommy’s psychological state.  For example, a shot and a cupcake means that the principal, poop and stitches were involved.

So as not to discriminate, I will put together Daddy’s Hierarchy of Needs in a future post.

What New York Taught This Suburban Mom

September 7, 2010 7 comments

I am home from New York.  I spent four days with my husband, WITHOUT MY KIDS, in a town of incredible sights, history, food and culture to celebrate the wedding of a friend.   It was my first trip to the Big Apple and I was delighted, overwhelmed and more than a little off-balance.  Here are my lessons learned…

Flights Are Fabulous: Normally, when my husband and I fly together, we have the kids with us, which means I come off the plane sweaty, exhausted, cranky, stained and ready for a parachute.  On these two glorious flights I read books, drank wine (yeah, the break-up might be over), watched movies and RELAXED.  I didn’t actually care where the flight landed since the experience itself was so therapeutic.

Size Does Not Matter, It’s All About the View: My 2,800 square foot house can seem too small with the kids and all their toys, but a 1,000 square foot corner suite hotel room (thank you hotel points) over-looking the harbor is a little piece of Heaven. 

I Hate Crowds: I am a people person but  I DO NOT love swarming crowds of tourists.  Yes, I get that I was one of those tourists, but I think the problem was that I would like to sight-see like a celebrity, while everyone else stays home.  The sensory overload of Times Square is craizer than 25 kids for a six-year-old birthday party!  If I am in the mood for sensory overload I will chaperone my daughter’s preschool field trips.  At least then I will know the kids who own the sweat I rub up against. 

Suburban Life Requires Less Showers: I have shared in my posts that, since I work from home,  there are times, a-hem.. days, when I do not shower.  I had to wash city life off of me at least twice per day.  If I stepped off the curb wrong, I was splashed with gutter grime (water would not be an accurate word to describe what hit my legs). 

Moms Should Teach Taxi Driving School:  I can get an SUV full of 6 year olds anywhere on time without inducing motion sickness.  I can drive the carpool, while putting on a movie and passing back the juice boxes, without breaking any laws or startling anyone. (Unless I yell, “Don’t make me pull this car over”).  The taxi to the airport took two ginger ales to recover from.

Moms CAN Sleep-in After Having Kids: It turns out that staying up until 2:30 in the morning, having cocktails is doable if you can sleep until 11:30 the next morning.  I didn’t even know if I was still physically capable of sleeping late.  I have confirmed that mothers can still do shots and be the life of the party if given time to recover…

Adults Need Moderation Too: We don’t hand our children the candy basket and tell them to use their best judgement.  The same rule should probably apply to parents re-released into the wild – aka at an event with a fully hosted bar.  Just because it is there and free, doesn’t mean one (okay, me) should try to take full advantage.  The extra sleep helped, but I still had to relive the hazy memories of giving breast-feeding advice to someone I had just met.

Parks Are For Adults Too: My favorite part of my kids-free trip was a park!  We had a delightful brunch at The Boathouse in Central Park and then strolled around the lake. I turned to my husband and said, “oh the kids would love this”.  He said, “You’re right, but we’re not bringing them while they’re young”.  He’s a smart guy.

Thank you New York for reminding me what being a civilized adult feels like.  Thank you for the one-on-one time with my husband, for the beautiful sites and delicious food.  Finally, thank you for perspective – when I had my first dose of mommy frustration upon coming home, as the kids were being loud and rowdy, I was able to say, ‘Thank God I am not in the heat of Times Square with all those crazy tourists!’