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Posts Tagged ‘cocktails’

Beer and Poptarts

June 1, 2011 6 comments

I am a professional.  I am a mother.  I am human and need a coping mechanism, for life’s normal stresses.  I have tried cocktails, sweets, exercise, retail therapy, gossip, movies and have done many of these things at the same time!

Below are a few words of wisdom that I either personally learned or discovered through a friend.  Stress is unavoidable, but follow these lessons to get the most goodness and least ill-effects form a popular mommy coping method – cocktails!

  1. Beer and Poptarts will cure a hangover brought on by Jager and Root Beer
  2. If you run our of shot glasses, a belly button makes a good substitute
  3. Using reusable ice cubes is far more acceptable than putting ice that can melt into your white wine
  4. If you suspect your friend is drunk, but there is no alcohol in sight, give her a second hug and take a deep breath.  You can’t hide the smell.
  5. If you stupidly decide to give up alcohol during the week unless you’re with friends, start returning dishes, kids clothes or anything else you can find.  When they invite you in for glass of wine, it would be rude to say no…
  6. Liquor is a requirement for karaoke, either for the singer or the listeners, but everyone can’t be sober.
  7. Wine doesn’t have to be expensive to be effective.

What lessons can you share?

10 Lessons from a Girls Weekend

April 11, 2011 12 comments

The following lessons may or may not have come from actual or alleged events.  You can’t prove these things happened.  I destroyed the pictures.  Enjoy the lessons and take them to heart!

  1. There are three slots on an ATM – the one you put the card in, the one you get a receipt from and the one that dispenses the money.  These slots are not interchangeable.
  2. When a friend gives you directions to a bar four times, it is time to pick that friend up from said bar.
  3. When attempting to rent a stack of chick flicks, it is easier to ask how to open a rental account than to guess other people’s’ account information.
  4. Short bar patrons are not souvenirs.  Even if she is 4′ 10″ one should not try to put her in their pocket.
  5. Yoga on patio cushions is dangerous.
  6. There is a brief window where karaoke sounds good: after listeners have had enough to drink to miss the mistakes, but before the singers have had too much to drink and sit down on stage.
  7. If you’re going to get on your hands and knees to bow to your new friend at the bar because she has six kids and multiple grandchildren, wash your hands afterwards.
  8. Playing ‘hide the car’ while a friend is in a store, never becomes mature old.
  9. If eye flirting with a guy at the other end of the bar doesn’t create a love connection, throwing ice at him probably won’t either.
  10. There is a fine line between a classy woman and a two scoops of crazy one.

They are rather confusing...

Mechanical Bulls, Mullets and Friends

March 29, 2011 16 comments

This last weekend, after having sushi with friends, we decided to go the Saloon in town.  I love saying this, because I am hoping it conjures up images of me living in Texas and wearing some sassy boots.  I really do live in the suburbs, but we do have a saloon with a mechanical bull.

After running up a bill that was more Sapporo than sushi (and it was a lot of sushi), we headed over to the Saloon.  As some of you may know, I am all for an adventure.  Before we even left the parking lot of the sushi restaurant, my husband was making me swear I would not ride the mechanical bull.  We were placing bets in the parking lot on who would ride and my husband kept reminding me that I am already a frequent visitor to the chiropractor and a bull ride would not help.  I do not think it is appropriate to bring up my aging, frail body on my birthday.

Upon arriving, I felt like the bull was calling my name, my friends were trying to talk me into it and my husband was giving me the look of, ‘I will not give you sympathy or pay for the massages’.  We decided two other friends would ride, but I would at least get on for a picture.  Only I couldn’t even get on by myself.  Maybe it was the Sapporo or the high-heeled boots, or the Sapporo, but it took the help of a friend to even get me on – it was clear riding would not go any better.  Rather I was a passionate spectator.

The only thing that could steal my attention was the 80’s band setting up.  One of the guys had a mullet and the female lead definitely rocked the 80’s – hard!  I was instantly enamored!  I was the first one on the dance floor – inappropriately early.  I drug my tolerant friends and two perfect strangers out with me.  Is there anything better than listening to an 80’s band in a Saloon, with fantastic, indulgent friends?

Well yes, let me suggest some improvements:

  • They didn’t know any Bon Jovi songs.  There should be a law that states that if you have a mullet, you know Bon Jovi songs.
  • I am too old to dance with such enthusiasm (think hamming it up – combination swing dancing and jazzercise) in high-heeled boots.  My shins, calves and ankles are still recovering.  I should have taken the boots off earlier.
  • If you can’t remember how many beers you had at dinner, don’t drink seven captain and diets at the saloon, even if you are making up for Lent.
  • When everyone wants to leave, do not explain to your husband that the two nice women you met on the dance floor can bring you home later.
  • We should have used a camera that didn’t create the devil eyes, but it’s almost fitting because I felt like the devil had strapped me to a mechanical bull and done his worst the next morning…

Yes, my friend in the picture had to help me up AND hold me up, I would have surely fallen off the back!

A Man and His Drink

March 7, 2011 13 comments
While I was off (and by off I mean away and offf-balance) on a business trip, I asked A Diary of a Mad Woman to provide the scientific analysis of what a man’s beverage of choice says about his personality.  She never disappoints.  Without further ado, here it is – a man and his drink:
 
My research began in college. I was bartending and minoring in Psychology so was I primed to observe the male drinker in his natural habitat.  There are almost as many classifications of men as there are drinks but since this is only one post, I’ll try to narrow it down for you.

Let’s start with any easy one:
The party animal can down a pitcher of cheap suds before you can say Natural Light. He’s also most likely to end up working construction, building his beer belly faster than he builds houses.

Then you have the more sophisticated beer drinker. He’s tested the waters/taps/breweries and discovered a taste for the subtleties of a well brewed stout, pilsner or bock.  This guy is a thinker, maybe a little staid but more likely to be able to carry on a conversation well into his third or fourth tankard.

How about those scotch drinkers? Talk about your somber character! He’s probably a silent drunk, never letting you into his mind, unless it’s to spout his opinion on politics. Also, more often a taker or a bore in bed.

A straight man who prefers to drink white wine needs to do some soul searching about his sexuality. Seriously.

Fruity concoctions? If not consumed on the beach or vacation, see my notes on white wine drinkers.  Exception to this rule: Margarita and sangria drinkers.  They know what they like and are confident in their manhood. Also, they know how to please a lady or look really good in their swim trunks.

Oh, you’re wondering about doing shots? Come on, that’s just a guy who’s late to the party and trying to catch up. He’s also more likely to pass out on you before getting down to business, if you know what I’m saying..

Of course there are exceptions to every rule and people do change. A certain gentleman, who will remain nameless, recently admitted to drinking Zimas. But I’d like to think he has redeeming qualities.

And yes, I’m happy to make sweeping unfounded generalizations about your guy too.

The Mad Woman behind the Blog
 
Twitter: Madsbloggingmom

BEST Christmas Gift Idea: Shotski

December 21, 2010 4 comments

I was out for yet another holiday event last night – don’t try this at home kids, I am a professional.  I went out for sushi and drinks with some girlfriends. There are many highlights, but I think I can sum it all up with my friend’s  gift idea: the Shotski.  It’s ecofriendly (if you find a ski in a dumpster), cheap and unique.

Do you hate when one person drinks their shot before everyone else?  Do you have a friend who nurses their shot?  Do you know someone who has everything?  The Shotski is for you.

What’s your go-to gift this season?

Lessons Learned from a Pajama Party

December 6, 2010 7 comments

 Last week I attended a pajama exchange party.  Basically a bunch of women got together for wine, appetizers and a game of pajama exchange stealing. The evening was fun on so many levels.  Our hostess has a beautiful home with perfect decorations, she had delicious appetizers and never-ending wine.  (When will I learn that I always have one glass too many?)  I only knew half of the fabulous women before arriving, but loved the other half I met enough to friend them on Facebook.  I think this is rare.  Usually, you meet new people, enjoy chatting with them and don’t give it another thought.  I don’t know if it was the combination of wine and pajamas, but I am a fan of all of these gals.

AND, I went home with fabulous pajamas – deliciously soft light blue reindeer pants with a tank top that had a reindeer with a TIARA!  These pajamas were clearly designed for me.  Our hostess also gave us each a pair fo sexy underwear, which is great, because since becoming a mom, my underwear isn’t always sexy!

In addition to enjoying myself and drinking a tad more than I had planned, I also learned many valuable lessons.  Unfortunately, some of them are too delicate to share on my blog, but think of women, wine and sleepwear and imagine the conversations!  So here’s a few things I can pass on:

  • Comfort is more coveted than sex appeal.  All of the pajamas were beautiful, but some of the most fought over were the kind of thing you hate to take off even to wash!
  • When you hope to prevent your gift from being stolen, stuff it in your bra!
  • Not wearing underwear with a thick seamed pair of work-out pants might lead to pleasure… (note this is tamer than the lessons I can’t write about…)  I should also say that one piece of advice in particular was so appreciated by my husband that he encouraged me to spend much more time with this group of women!
  • Men mistake hot flashes for an invitation.  Just because the pajamas come off doesn’t mean…
  • Book clubs are not just for readers, some just come for the wine!
  • As I have said before, women will come up with any excuse to get together and drink.  (Hell, I have even met virtually with a group of writers while we tweeted and drank wine).

At this party we talked about putting together a book club that would meet at a nightclub (yes, really) and it got me to thinking, what other “reasons” could we come up with to get together, drink some wine and laugh like school girls? 

This is where you come in!  What ideas do you have for a female get togethers?  I am looking for something that sounds like it’s legitimate (so that husbands don’t think twice about watching the kids) like a book club, but can be done over cocktails.  I am also a fan of anything that fuels humor and over-sharing!

Laughing is good for the soul and alcohol is good for everything else!

7 Deadly Sins – Gluttony

November 25, 2010 7 comments

Happy Thanksgiving!

As I mentioned last night, I am going to do seven posts about my seven deadly sins.  Last night I covered vanity.  In honor of the tens of thousands of calories I plan to consume today, I am covering the second sin: gluttony.  Here are my seven guilty pleasures – narrowing it down to seven will be tough!

  1. C-H-O-C-O-L-A-T-E
  2. Wine
  3. Any cocktail with rum, but not Malibu rum – too sweet!
  4. Yellow cake with chocolate frosting
  5. Jaeger
  6. Carnitas
  7. Pizza and beer

And what makes me the most gluttonous?  That I would gladly attempt to eat and drink all of the above on the same day! 

I feel compelled to dedicate this post to several friends.  You know who you are and here’s why:

  • Most people think of Napa for its wine, but we know it’s just a beautiful food fest with wine on the side. 
  • CRACK CAKE!  This cake is more addictive than any drug I have ever heard of.
  • We won’t drink the whole bottle tonight… (famous last words about wine)
  • Hmmmm – the universal sound of gluttony.
  • She has hidden candy bars in her couch!  Really!

 

Design Your Own Funny Farm

November 3, 2010 22 comments

I recently sent a friend to the funny farm.  A few of us have been teasing her about holiday decorations and we finally pushed her too far, she has jokingly checked herself into a virtual,  “special resort” with pink pills, fruity drinks and no stress.  She is practicing her fetal position and listening to soft music.  Her imaginary funny farm got me to thinking… (I know, it happens once in a while, whether I meant to or not)…

If I could design a place to “check out” and regain some sanity, what would it look like? 

The Slightly Off-Balance Center for Balance

Located lake side, this sprawling resort will instill balance, joy and laughter.  Check-in and stay as long you’d like, we won’t tell your family you’re here.  Amenities include:

  • Personal bungalows with lake views, waterfalls, personal wet bars and wine cellars, light blocking window treatments (for sleeping when you’d like, as long as you’d like) and  a staff of 5 for each bungalow:
    • Cleaning lady – she picks up to, no cleaning before she arrives
    • Chef (she can also mix drinks)
    • Hair and make-up artist (should you want to socialize)
    • Massage therapist – they also give mani/pedis
  • Pictures of your children are welcome and there is a designated area to interact with them should you choose, but there is no guilt if you just watch your kids through the two-sided mirror or don’t watch at all.
  • Spouses are welcome by invitation only and you can re-send their invitation at anytime.  Spouses are brought up blind-folded so they cannot find this place on their own.
  • There is a large pool, staffed to ensure you’re never hungry or sober, I mean thirsty.
  • An intensive therapy area for new inductees where people play with your hair, pat your back and tell you you’re amazing.  Intravenous chocolate is also available.

Activities include:

  • Yoga – but only the stretchy feel good poses, no stand on one leg and feel your heart race nonsense
  • Chocolate and chick flicks – this will soon be an olympic sport, so I have been training.
  • Spa days – 24 hours per day, seven days per week on demand
  • Wine Tasting or cocktail pounding – there is no judgement here
  • Book Clubs – we’ll read to you and there are no deadlines

You will note the absence of a personal trainer – this is not a fat farm.  Through the miracles of modern science, fat and unnecessary calories have been removed from our food and beverage, but you won’t taste the difference.  Should you enjoy exercise, there are beautiful trails and a gym, but nobody cares if you go.  This same science that removes fat and calories, ensures no hangovers from too much enjoyment of the pool bar.

Tell me about your dream funny farm.  But beware, if you build it, I will come and stay a very long time!

Ahhh... Utopia

I’m Not in College Anymore

October 18, 2010 13 comments

Why do I have to keep reminding myself that I am a 33-year-old mother of two??  Why does it only take a couple of cocktails for me to think I still have the energy and liver of a college girl?  When will I learn the finer points of responsible drinking?

I spent yesterday recovering from an adult costume party on Saturday night.  It was a fun evening. I didn’t lose my shoes, throw-up or embarrass myself, but I still had to recover yesterday.  My synapses are still not firing correctly so I will try my best to sound  intelligent coherent as I share some lessons learned:

  • I made a pact that I would not do shots.  I should have stuck to that pact
  • Little shorts under my costume was my wisest move all night
  • There’s a reason they’re called Kamikazes
  • It is best not to meet new people when drinking, first impressions are tough if you can’t see clearly
  • Water is more effective when you drink it, not simply carry it around
  • Cameras should be banned after 10:00 pm
  • Safety pins can be the difference between cute and dramatically inappropriate costumes
  • Although you don’t feel the pain when someone steps on your foot with their high-heel at the moment, you will the next day
  • Sparkly eye makeup causes eye-twitching the next day
  • When attending a costume party, know that if a guy dressed as a sheriff has a patrol car, he might be legit

When was the last time you were reminded of your age?

Categories: Cocktails, Humor, Lists Tags: , ,

Being Off-Balance is Rewarding

September 16, 2010 10 comments

I love awards.  I love honorable  mentions, cash prizes and glossy photos on the front page.  But the best awards are those that come from someone you respect and admire.  It is also amazing to get recognized for doing something you love.  I was touched to get an award from one of my favorite bloggers, Lori Dyan.  If you like my blog, don’t read hers, because it is so much better than mine that you might break up with me!  She’s funny, honest and will broach any topic.  Check her out!

The Blogging Award she bestowed upon me is the Versatile Blogger Award and there are some rules I have to follow:

1. Acknowledge the person who nominated me.  Lori Dyan – my blog crush! (No need for a restraining order!)

2. List ten things I like.

  • Laughing so hard I pee my pants, my husband does the laundry
  • Snuggling with my kids, after their baths, at bed time, when they smell clean and yummy
  • Long road trips when the kids sleep and my husband and I get to finish a conversation – he’s a captive audience!
  • Eating fresh fish while watching a Hawaiian sunset
  • Sushi, beer and beer with the girls
  • The sound of my waterski or wakeboard cutting through perfect water
  • Cocktails – any kind, any occasion
  • Chocolate.
  • Seeing the world through my kids eyes
  • Hearing that my writing resonates with someone.

3. Now I have to nominate ten other bloggers.  This is hard because I have come to follow and love so many great bloggers, but here are 10 in no particular order:

  1. Simply Diane… – She’s funny, likes to multi-task and loves to shop – what’s not to love?
  2. The Marriage Project – We could all follow her plan to be a good wife and laugh along the way!
  3. The Candy Shoppe – Everything she rights is touching, poignant, hilarious or all three.  A true artist.
  4. The Rock Pool – A group of female bloggers sharing the diverse and global perspectives – very cool.
  5. Because Chutney Goes with Everything – She writes on all sorts of topics and had me crying with laughter over pooping at work.
  6. Confessions of a Recovering Cynic – I recently discovered her and she is my kind of humor! (Slightly depraved)
  7. The Zany Housewife – I want to have cocktails and play Canasta with this hilariously fun blogger!
  8. The Highly Uninteresting Adventures of Average Girl – Her posts on parenting and life are far from average!
  9. My Morning Chocolate – I aspire to be Jen in the kitchen.  Her blog fuels my passion for food!
  10. Conflicted Mean Girl – I know you are already a recipient, but you’re so good that you need at least two of these!

Now I am off to drink a glass of Hall Cabernet and celebrate my award!

Categories: Writing Tags: , , , , ,