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Disney DEFCON
The National Enquirer reported that I was the first person ever to actually fall off the face of the Earth. While it may have felt like that, it wasn’t entirely true (just like most articles in the National Enquirer).
It is true that I have not logged into my blog dashboard in several weeks – the last few blogs I posted we’re on an automatic timer, similar to all the lights in my mental and real house.
I have spent the last three weeks on business trips and vacation. I am not even sure my bed at home feels like my “real” bed yet.
But I am back – did you get a chill? It’s okay to lie to me ya know.
There are so many stories I want to share with you. I wrote so many posts in my head, but never took notes on them, so they are as forgotten as my exercise routine. Here’s one that really seems to want to be written, because it has been rattling around in my mind (that was the tin pinging sound you heard) for days:
DEFCON is the Defense Readiness Condition used by the Armed Forces. After spending a week in Disneyland with my kids, I felt it was my civic duty to share the following:
Disney DEFCON
5 – Lowest state of readiness. You haven’t told the kids you’re going to Disneyland. Life is peaceful.
4 – Increased intelligence and strengthened security measures. The kids know they are going to Disneyland. Care must be taken to ensure that they do not injure themselves when bouncing off the walls. You also now have the opportunity to throw the entirely empty threat of cancelling the trip if they do not behave on the long car ride. Good luck with that…
3 – Increase in force readiness above that required for normal readiness. You need a strategy for crowds, lines, food and the endless toy displays. Here’s mine:
- Crowds – The best defense is a good offense. I started the week trying to avoid small children and other strollers. After losing every toenail I own, I treated navigating Disneyland, during Spring Break, like a full contact, extreme sport. Show no mercy.
- Lines – Don’t be the sweet mom that stops to let the kids climb on sculptures, take pictures and play on slides. Stick to the mission – rides! Get them in early, then go back and take pictures with characters, play on the fake cars, ride the carousel and watch the shows while everyone else is standing in hour-long lines in the beating sun.
- Food – Decide up front – are you a militant mom or a mom looking for a little peace? I just wanted a little peace so I bought popcorn, churros and ice cream. I also bought some food for my kids.
- Toys – I decided before I left that each kid would get one toy/souvenir, period. I even brought their tiaras and light sabers from home so I wouldn’t get hit up for those. Before you second guess me, I did stick to the one souvenir rule, sort of. They each got one thing – but each thing was bigger than I had planned. I admit I am a sucker for a $65 Cinderella costume and since they didn’t have one in my size, I bought it for my daughter. With my son, I had a rare opportunity to trump my husband and spontaneously buy a Lego for my son while my husband was getting the car. I am usually the mean mom and it felt amazing to play the role of Disney Dad!
2 – Further increase in force readiness, but less than maximum readiness. DEFCON 2 hit on day 2 days 1, 2 and 3 for us. Be prepared for a scene, but take solace in the fact that your child’s screams will be drowned out by Disney music (I swear they have speakers as close as trash cans), the sound of the rides and 5,000 other screaming children.
1 – War is imminent. Proceed directly to California Adventure where they serve alcohol.
We hit DEFCON 1 on our final day in the park. We still had planned to spend a few more hours there. We went to California Adventure, drank two beers and left the park. A full nuclear response was narrowly avoided.
Tell me a funny story from one of your family vacations. And by funny, I mean one where I don’t look like the only crazy mom!
45 is the New Toddler
There are endless effects of having children. But did you know they make you younger?
Think about how your life changes when you have kids:
- You are more prone to eating grilled cheese, quesadillas and macaroni and cheese
- You have the frequent urge to burst into tears
- You know the words to every kid song
- You don’t think twice about being in public with a stained shirt
- You get excited when Disney releases another movie from the vault
- Your language goes from biker chick to “gosh darn” and “bust my buffers”
My dear friend made me aware of this phenomenon when she sent me the following text:
Cat just clawed the crap out of me. I’m wearing a Scooby-Doo bandage and brushing my teeth with kid toothpaste. 45 is the new toddler.
Her one defining adult behavior? She is drowning her sorrows in hot chocolate and Bailey’s!
Cheers to getting younger!
The Fountain of Youth
10 Lessons from a Girls Weekend
The following lessons may or may not have come from actual or alleged events. You can’t prove these things happened. I destroyed the pictures. Enjoy the lessons and take them to heart!
- There are three slots on an ATM – the one you put the card in, the one you get a receipt from and the one that dispenses the money. These slots are not interchangeable.
- When a friend gives you directions to a bar four times, it is time to pick that friend up from said bar.
- When attempting to rent a stack of chick flicks, it is easier to ask how to open a rental account than to guess other people’s’ account information.
- Short bar patrons are not souvenirs. Even if she is 4′ 10″ one should not try to put her in their pocket.
- Yoga on patio cushions is dangerous.
- There is a brief window where karaoke sounds good: after listeners have had enough to drink to miss the mistakes, but before the singers have had too much to drink and sit down on stage.
- If you’re going to get on your hands and knees to bow to your new friend at the bar because she has six kids and multiple grandchildren, wash your hands afterwards.
- Playing ‘hide the car’ while a friend is in a store, never becomes
matureold. - If eye flirting with a guy at the other end of the bar doesn’t create a love connection, throwing ice at him probably won’t either.
- There is a fine line between a classy woman and a two scoops of crazy one.
They are rather confusing...
Mechanical Bulls, Mullets and Friends
This last weekend, after having sushi with friends, we decided to go the Saloon in town. I love saying this, because I am hoping it conjures up images of me living in Texas and wearing some sassy boots. I really do live in the suburbs, but we do have a saloon with a mechanical bull.
After running up a bill that was more Sapporo than sushi (and it was a lot of sushi), we headed over to the Saloon. As some of you may know, I am all for an adventure. Before we even left the parking lot of the sushi restaurant, my husband was making me swear I would not ride the mechanical bull. We were placing bets in the parking lot on who would ride and my husband kept reminding me that I am already a frequent visitor to the chiropractor and a bull ride would not help. I do not think it is appropriate to bring up my aging, frail body on my birthday.
Upon arriving, I felt like the bull was calling my name, my friends were trying to talk me into it and my husband was giving me the look of, ‘I will not give you sympathy or pay for the massages’. We decided two other friends would ride, but I would at least get on for a picture. Only I couldn’t even get on by myself. Maybe it was the Sapporo or the high-heeled boots, or the Sapporo, but it took the help of a friend to even get me on – it was clear riding would not go any better. Rather I was a passionate spectator.
The only thing that could steal my attention was the 80’s band setting up. One of the guys had a mullet and the female lead definitely rocked the 80’s – hard! I was instantly enamored! I was the first one on the dance floor – inappropriately early. I drug my tolerant friends and two perfect strangers out with me. Is there anything better than listening to an 80’s band in a Saloon, with fantastic, indulgent friends?
Well yes, let me suggest some improvements:
- They didn’t know any Bon Jovi songs. There should be a law that states that if you have a mullet, you know Bon Jovi songs.
- I am too old to dance with such enthusiasm (think hamming it up – combination swing dancing and jazzercise) in high-heeled boots. My shins, calves and ankles are still recovering. I should have taken the boots off earlier.
- If you can’t remember how many beers you had at dinner, don’t drink seven captain and diets at the saloon, even if you are making up for Lent.
- When everyone wants to leave, do not explain to your husband that the two nice women you met on the dance floor can bring you home later.
- We should have used a camera that didn’t create the devil eyes, but it’s almost fitting because I felt like the devil had strapped me to a mechanical bull and done his worst the next morning…
Yes, my friend in the picture had to help me up AND hold me up, I would have surely fallen off the back!
Titles For My Autobiography
Things have been more off-balanced in my world as of late. I have wanted to write about the chaos, the tantrums and the tender moments, but I have needed to catch up on the sleep that has been eluding me for the last 5 nights!
So let me summarize my life with a novel…
No, not the whole book, just the titles, as Cliffs Notes are also too long for this tired mamma.
Rene over at Grown Up For Real got me to thinking… She asked what would be the title of your memoir.
So here are my thoughts on what my memoir would be called this week.
- From Boardroom to Padded Room: How Juggling Being A Working Mom Sent Me To The Funny Farm
- And Then I Had Kids: How The World Changed and Why I Am Still Spinning
- I Am Not Crazy… Today
- I Used To Leave the House Put Together, Now I Just Try To Wear My Undergarments on the Inside
- I Am The
LooniestLuckiest Girl In The World - Stress Eating and Parenting – The Expose
- Proactiv: For Acne, Fake Sunburns and Threatening Your Children
- Why Lent May Be the End of My
KidsSanity - When My Husband Travels…
- Being Pulled Back From the Ledge by Oprah
What are your titles?
What Was I Thinking?!
What? Where is Wine Wednesday you ask? Well, let me tell you-
Lent is hard! The Girl Scout Cookie deliveries, the dinner parties with margaritas, the wine book club meetings, the post t-ball practice beers (wow, yes, we have a drink for every occasion) and I CAN’T HAVE ANY OF IT!
We went to a dinner party on the first Sunday of Lent and I lapsed into vice exchange. For those of you not familiar with this proven phenomenon. If you give up one vice, you find another. On the first Sunday of Lent, I traded booze and sweets for a pound of tortilla chips. Okay, a pound may not be accurate, two pounds! I woke up the next morning parched and feeling like I had been drinking out of the ocean.
So I did the logical thing- I gave up tortilla chips too.
To summarize: no sweets, no booze, no chips = STUPIDITY.
What was I thinking?!
But I will not quit, I will not edit my Lenten promise. But I may be in a straight jacket by Easter!
So, no, there will be no more Wine Wednesdays during Lent, because frankly, I am not that big of a person to write about things I love, but cannot have.
I am, however, an optimist and on the bright side: I have lost 5 pounds! Go ahead and place your bets on how fast I will put that back on. (Hint: Easter Sunday would be a safe bet)
PSA – No Booze, No Sweets
This is a Public Service Announcement.
In an effort to prepare the public for possible threats of violence, sarcasm, mood swings and emotional breakdowns, the FAIL (Federation of Ambitious and Idiotic Lenters) issue public service announcements when one of their parishioners is embarking on an overly ambitious Lenten gesture.
The following FAIL PSA has just been issued for the Northern California area:
Paige Morgan, a well-meaning, but off-balance, Catholic, has announced that she will be giving up all sweets and liquor for Lent. Yes, you read that correctly: ALL sweets and ALL alcohol. The FAIL is concerned because Paige does not get through a day without a sweet, a drink or both. We feel that the level of her Lenten commitment may put others at risk. Without sweets in particular, Paige has a history of irritability, unexplained bouts of crying shopping, and irrational behavior. Detailed medical analysis have found that Paige is kept balanced by a consistent diet of chocolate and wine (or beer or Captain).
The following precautions should be taken:
- Do not give your children sweets in front of her. She may inadvertently devour small children in an attempt to eat the treat.
- Hide your cough syrup and witch hazel – we fear she may try to concoct unusual cocktails.
- Keep your doors locked at night. This kind of deprivation may cause her to sleep walk and seek out the M&M’s between your couch cushions.
- Do not threaten, harm or otherwise upset her children (she will be doing enough of that herself). The crazy mama bear is 67% more crazy for the next 40 days!
- Hide your rubber cement, self-tanners and Bedazzlers. Paige has a history of taking on other vices to cope with giving up her addictions.
- If you find her in public, wild-eyed, disoriented and
disheveledmore than disheveled than usual, send her directly to the Betty Crocker Clinic – they know her well there. - If you know a good hostage negotiator, keep them on speed dial. We especially fear for employees of Baskin Robbins, Mrs. Fields, Godiva and the local liquor store.
Avoid interaction with her during Lent, but should you have an unavoidable encounter, talk to her in a soothing voice the way you would calm an overtired preschooler. Offer her something furry to cuddle with and remind her that good girls get pony rides. But don’t offer her a balloon – she may mistake it for a giant jelly bean and try to eat it.
For those of you wondering how she will complete her Wine Wednesday postings, Paige has decided to consume wine (and eat sweets) for the next 24 hours straight before she starts Lent on Wednesday. Keep this in mind as her posts may be confusing, hard to follow her normal incoherent rambles.
Have you ever given up one (or more) of your vices? How did it go?
My plan for Tuesday night...
A Man and His Drink
Let’s start with any easy one:
The party animal can down a pitcher of cheap suds before you can say Natural Light. He’s also most likely to end up working construction, building his beer belly faster than he builds houses.
Then you have the more sophisticated beer drinker. He’s tested the waters/taps/breweries and discovered a taste for the subtleties of a well brewed stout, pilsner or bock. This guy is a thinker, maybe a little staid but more likely to be able to carry on a conversation well into his third or fourth tankard.
How about those scotch drinkers? Talk about your somber character! He’s probably a silent drunk, never letting you into his mind, unless it’s to spout his opinion on politics. Also, more often a taker or a bore in bed.
A straight man who prefers to drink white wine needs to do some soul searching about his sexuality. Seriously.
Fruity concoctions? If not consumed on the beach or vacation, see my notes on white wine drinkers. Exception to this rule: Margarita and sangria drinkers. They know what they like and are confident in their manhood. Also, they know how to please a lady or look really good in their swim trunks.
Oh, you’re wondering about doing shots? Come on, that’s just a guy who’s late to the party and trying to catch up. He’s also more likely to pass out on you before getting down to business, if you know what I’m saying..
Of course there are exceptions to every rule and people do change. A certain gentleman, who will remain nameless, recently admitted to drinking Zimas. But I’d like to think he has redeeming qualities.
And yes, I’m happy to make sweeping unfounded generalizations about your guy too.
10 Lessons From a Girl’s Weekend
I had a fabulous girls weekend. Friday night was book club a passion party and Saturday I left for San Francisco for some quality time with my cousin (who is more like a sister). I had a wonderful weekend full of laughs, yummy food and female bonding, but certainly learned a few lessons:
- When soup boils over, do not grab a wet paper towel to pull the grate off the burner, in order to clean it immediately. Fight the OCD impulses, wait until the stove has cooled down and never use a wet towel – paper or otherwise.
- When hosting a passion party, not only do you need to have the kids out of the house, but they need to remain out of the house until you do a full cleaning. Check under the sofa to make sure there are no passion party product catalogs that your kids can find.
- When departing for the city – listen to the advice you give your kids – go potty before you leave. While you may not be conspicuous running through Union Square doing the pee pee (or worse) dance, it can be uncomfortable and the thought of not making it to the hotel bathroom frightening.
- When driving to any big city, choose your car wisely. The biggest SUV on the road is not the best choice. If you have no other vehicle option, make sure you know the height restrictions of the parking garage AND the height of your car. Accuracy is important here, otherwise one might learn what those metal tube height signs sound like when they scrape the top of your car. Luggage racks can act as the
sacrifical lamblife saver in this situation. - Valet parking (with the additional oversize vehicle fee) at the hotel is expensive, but slightly less than the deductible on your car insurance. Suck it up when the valet mentions your car is not the best choice for the city.
- Eating your way through San Francisco may sound like a
goodgreat idea, but should be left to the professionals. Over eating can lead to food coma which can cause falling asleep during the previews of a movie and one should be careful about sleeping in the Metreon. Three such food comas in 24 hours probably isn’t healthy and may result in a sleepless night, despite the Heavenly Bed. - Check your cell phone alarm clock and ensure it is off. Waking up at 6:00 am on a girls weekend after a night of food coma fall-out can be hazardous.
- If you plan to shop in the city, tell your husband in advance to avoid shell shock. If you don’t plan to shop in the city, you’re just fooling yourself. Shopping in the city is as unavoidable as encountering crazy, ranting women with black eyes and missing teeth.
- When a man is sitting in the park with a sign that says “Free Advice”, you should stop and listen. It can’t be worse than the advice we give our friends.
- There is nothing better for your soul than a weekend of girl time (and nothing worse for your waist line).
What Your Beverage Says About You
My friend over at A Diary of a Mad Woman was discussing how she identified her future husband in part by his choice of beers. (Ask me how much I love this!) We started chatting back and forth and I decided to amuse you with my ultra scientific analysis of what your beverage of choice says about you.
This analysis is just for fun. I am not a psychiatrist, bartender or any other kind of expert. But I am blatant abuser of stereotypes and generalizations!
Wine – Your goal is to remain in control or at least appear to be trying. You’re sophisticated and you have a keen understanding of what you want out of life. I know this because you have taken the time to figure out if you’re a cab girl or a Pinot girl.
Champagne – You fall into one of two camps – crazy like my friend Sarah who can drink six bottles in an evening or somebody who enjoys parties, celebrations and savoring important moments. You may or may not scrapbook.
Jagermeister – You are a good time and we should hang out. I am teased for my love of Jager, but I seem to have a better tolerance for that than champagne, so for me it’s the responsible party drink what I choose when I am looking to go big!
Jack Daniels – Damn girl, you’re hard-core and can hang with boys. I am in awe of you and slightly afraid of you.
Spiced Rum – Captain Morgan and Sailor Jerry are my boyfriends. If you like the spiced rum, you are my sister and love to have a good time. You like Jimmy Buffet and vacations in the sun!
Martinis – It really depends on what kind.
- If you drink a classic martini, you are sophisticated, classy and therefore I have never met you. I suspect you are smart, powerful and own several Hermes scarves.
- If you drink dirty martinis – do I even have to explain this one?!
- If you drink Cosmopolitan’s you love girls’ night out and have a romantic side.
Margaritas – You are fun! You love the summertime, sunshine and get-togethers with friends. You are easy-going but know what you like. I have never met a margarita drinker I didn’t like.
Beer – This is another one that depends on the type of beer.
- If you drink Guinness or Guinness blends (like black and tans) you are a guys girl and like sports.
- If you drink Coors Light, you are a classic. If you’re a true fan of the silver bullet, you have multiple uses for duct tape. Either way, you’re fun and easy-going.
- If you drink Corona or Pacifico – see Margarita and call me!
- If you drink any other beer, you’re a bit of an aficionado and I would need to break down your personality further in a separate consultation. But I am willing, just tell me what bar we’re meeting at.
Vodka – You vodka drinkers are a mixed bag because there are so many different ways to consume the vodka.
- You could be one of the sturdy ones who can drink without ever falling down or making an ass of herself. These vodka drinkers are independent, loyal and wise.
- Or you could be the train wreck who typically drinks to the point of disaster. You are a ton of fun until the wheels come off the track. You’re personality is a little hard to pin down, but it involves a wide range of emotions.
- Or you could be the unpredictable vodka drinker who waffles between civilized and intelligent and lunatic. You’re a hoot to place bets on! You’re fun, sweet and a little off-balance.
- Then there are the rest of the vodka drinkers, I need to conduct more research on this population.
Trendy Drinker – Then there is the girl who knows the latest it cocktail. Past trendy drinks have been the Bellini, the Cosmo, the Mojito, the Pomegranate Martini, the Jalapeno Martini and many more that I am not trendy enough to know. You have a great eye for fashion, a great job, a rich partner or high credit card balance. You also know the hottest spots to drink the trendiest cocktails.
I have drunk all of the above and have a little of all most of the above personalities, so again for humor, not criticism. How did I do? Do you agree? Disagree? Want to fight it out over happy hour?
For my male readers, if you comment on this post that you want me to write the male version I will. If you think you can handle it…
Pay It Forward
Slightly Off-Balance 