The 12 Pounds of Christmas
I am Paige and I have a problem. My vices have become so debilitating that I cannot make it two hours, TWO HOURS, without chocolate or some Christmas treat! And every night presents a new reason to drink. (Okay, I can find a reason every night to have a glass of wine, but I’m talking about really good reasons like Christmas parties, holiday traditions and my feet were cold.)
So here it is – my 12 pounds of Christmas:
- The kids made peppermint bark. What kind of mother would I be if I didn’t eat it and tell them how yummy it was.
- Every year we have our favorite toffee shipped from Colorado. WE ONLY GET IT ONCE PER YEAR – of course I ate it – I had to before my husband did.
- I attended my work holiday luncheon and drank white wine – hey it paired nicely with the heavy cream bisque.
- After the lunch we had a morale event that was bartending lessons (and tasting) – it was a morale event, I had to participate.
- Following bartending, we had an after party at another bar. I am on the leadership team, I had to drink to make others feel like it was ok. But because I am a manager, I didn’t want people getting too drunk, so I ordered everyone a bunch of pizzas. I had to eat them too- you can’t have management passing out drunk.
- We watched Polar Express as a family – the kids drank cocoa, I drank cocoa and Bailey’s. It’s a requirement.
- The kids made sugar cookies – again with the good mother thing.
- We made gingerbread houses – I had to “clean up” the left over frosting.
- One of the neighbors brought over chocolate covered pretzels – nobody can say I am a bad neighbor, I ate the pretzels.
- The kids made those peanut butter cookies with the Hershey kisses. AND they used dark chocolate – my favorite. Being such a fantastic mom to my lil’ bakers is becoming a problem.
- We had dinner at a friend’s house, they poured cocktails, I didn’t want to be a rude, so I drank three.
- We stood out in the cold to watch Santa come through the neighborhood on a fire truck, it was cold, I needed to stay warm, I prefer liquid heat.
So as you can see, in the spirit of giving, because I am a giver, and in the spirit of the holidays, I have done my duty as a mother, friend, neighbor, boss and employee. I have eaten and drank nightly and CHRISTMAS IS STILL OVER A WEEK AWAY! Does this mean I’ll stop now before Christmas? Uh, no! I want to be on Santa’s good list, and judging from his belly he rewards those who selflessly indulge, like me, over those who turn their back on holiday traditions. At the rate I am going, I am pretty sure Santa is bringing me diamonds and a new car.
Eat, drink and be merry!
Advertising – WTF
What exactly did I search, buy or look at on the internet to get this email?!
Now, I am not going to lie, I do sometimes feel like a seventy-year old woman – just ask my beloved Chiropractor. However, as long as I follow her treatment plan of exercise (uh…), Advil and wine (this is why I love her), I should not need a scooter for at least another five years.
But I am not going to lie, I am still tempted to get one for neighborhood parties. I live in a hilly neighborhood; walking home in heels after a few cocktails is risky. Can you get a SUI? Scootering Under the Influence?
Pictures with Santa Fail
We are dashing through the snow our Christmas checklist of things to do with the kids during the holiday season. Yesterday we hung up the Christmas lights outside and last night was the night to go take pictures with Santa.
Pictures with Santa is not one of my favorite activities: the waiting, the screaming kids, the germs – and that is before we even leave the house! But, we have to pay our $20 for our 3 x 5 picture that proves we love our kids. But this year was going to be fun, we had a plan…
We had dinner with a few friends and then raced around dressing the kids so that people would think my children regularly wore ironed, button-down shirts and poofy dresses. I went to put on my daughter’s black tights and discovered I had brought footless leggings, so I pulled them down over her heels and shoved the ends into the toes of her black Mary Jane’s. “But mommy, this is not how they work,” exclaimed my exasperated daughter. “I know sweetie, but Mommy is silly and we don’t want you to look goofy (I almost said stupid and caught myself) in your picture.” I think the desperation in my voice and the rushing around of the other moms convinced my daughter to just go with it.
We packed the kids into the cars and headed off to see the big man. As we were driving there, one of my friends said, “I didn’t think to call to see what time the mall closes on a Sunday”. It was 5:55 pm so I knew we were safe, no self-respecting mall closed before 9:00 pm this close to Christmas.
We pulled into the mall, congratulating ourselves for deciding to go on a Sunday night since there were far fewer cars in the parking lot. We got the kids out of the car and somehow made it through the parking lot without losing anyone. The kids were running around like someone had given them a Santa size portion of cocoa and I figured letting them run a bit before hitting the picture line would help preserve my last holiday nerve.
We opened the door to the mall… wait, why is it not opening? They lock one of the doors? All the doors are locked? What the holly? What time does the fa la la la la mall close?!
6:00 pm.
My kids now have a picture in their Christmas finest in front of Coca-Cola machine – hey, at least it’s red and white!
Tell me about one your holiday mishaps. I’ll either learn from your mistake or repeat it on purpose.
Kids Christmas and Cocktail Pairings
I had an epiphany tonight – I am a sommelier! Just as a sommelier pairs the perfect wine with a great meal, I have the talent to match a cocktail to any kid Christmas event, well any event really, but let’s try to keep it seasonal people!
So here you go, the perfect holiday pairing list:
- Getting a Christmas Tree
- Straight Vodka (if you’re spouse is a perfectionist like mine)
- Decorating the Christmas Tree
- Hot Buttered Rum – you must get the seasonal stomach (aka gut) in training
- Putting up Christmas Lights
- Water – this was a test people! Roofs and liquor don’t mix
- Watching The Polar Express with the kids
- Bailey’s and Hot Cocoa – “Hot, hot, ooh we got it” (If this doesn’t make sense, you haven’t seen the movie, which means you’re getting coal in your stocking)
- Kids School Christmas Pageant
- Coffee and Peppermint Schnapps (people will think it’s coffee and gum)
- Christmas Date Night with Your Spouse
- Snow Job (this one is for you Pajama Girls!)
- Santa Run – Standing in the freezing a$% cold to watch firetrucks and Santa come through the neighborhood
- Brandy – in the name of survival
- Company Christmas Party
- White wine if you’re smart, Goldschlager if you’re looking for a severance package to bank roll your kids’ gifts
- Making a Gingerbread House
- Egg Nog – When else do you make a house out of cookies and candy? When else do you drink egg nog?
- Christmas Caroling
- Can’t help you here, you’d have to give me (or the people who would have to listen) the whole bar to get me to sing in public
- Kids’ Cookie Decorating Party
- Cranberry Margaritas – Kids, frosting and sprinkles, you may want just want a shot glass
- Girl’s Christmas Happy Hour
- Christmas Cosmos – Out of style? Maybe, but so are Christmas sweaters, and we’re rockin’ them!
- Neighborhood Cocktail Party – Adult’s Only
- This whole list. Times two.
- Christmas Brunch with Relatives
- Mimosa – It ony takes a splash of orange juice to look civilized
- Christmas Brunch with Friends
- Bellini’s – Fun, sophisticated and unique – just like my friends, well most of them…
- White Elephant Exchange
- White Russians – I don’t know why, I just think it sounds like a good idea. So it is.
- Christmas Dinner
- Wine – Prime Rib and Cabernet, yes please!
- Christmas Dinner with In-Laws
- Tequila – And that’s just Plan A…
- After Christmas Sales
- Bloody Marys – Kills the Christmas dinner hangover and gives you energy to shop
I hope this list gets you through the holidays. At anytime you may substitute any drink for hot cocoa and Bailey’s.
Okay, what event did I forget? What’s your favorite Christmas Cocktail recipe?
Lust
This is the grand finale of the Seven Deadly Sins Challenge. I am asked to provide seven love secrets. This is a PG-13 blog on its raciest days and does not necessarily reflect my wild side, but here are seven love secrets.
- My husband and I had sex in a room full of people (watching a loud movie in the dark) without anyone knowing. College or post-college – you decide…
- When my son was 14 months, we were on vacation in Hawaii.
My husbandI got the tropical itch and persuaded my husband to have sex while our son was in his crib. He woke up and yelled, “Daddy, no!” Game Over! - Every guy I know has the same dream – trifecta. If you can’t figure it out, I can’t tell you. No, it’s not a threesome.
- I still wear my wedding night lingerie every year on our anniversary.
- My husband and I have a code word for oral sex (no, not going to tell). I let it slip once with some girlfriends and now this common phrase gets me into all sorts of laughter and trouble.
- The lock on our bedroom door doesn’t work. Now that our son is older, we often use a chair to block the door, just in case.
- 6:00 pm is my hot time. It makes cooking dinner with my husband fun, but leads nowhere with two hungry children.
As I am writing this, I am trying to think of all the people I know who read this. I am hoping to not forget the one person I wouldn’t want to look in the eye when I realize they know some of these things. Oh well, that would be a blog post in itself!
I told you mine, now tell me yours!
Might I recommend a bigger blanket for privacy...
Lessons Learned from a Pajama Party
Last week I attended a pajama exchange party. Basically a bunch of women got together for wine, appetizers and a game of pajama exchange stealing. The evening was fun on so many levels. Our hostess has a beautiful home with perfect decorations, she had delicious appetizers and never-ending wine. (When will I learn that I always have one glass too many?) I only knew half of the fabulous women before arriving, but loved the other half I met enough to friend them on Facebook. I think this is rare. Usually, you meet new people, enjoy chatting with them and don’t give it another thought. I don’t know if it was the combination of wine and pajamas, but I am a fan of all of these gals.
AND, I went home with fabulous pajamas – deliciously soft light blue reindeer pants with a tank top that had a reindeer with a TIARA! These pajamas were clearly designed for me. Our hostess also gave us each a pair fo sexy underwear, which is great, because since becoming a mom, my underwear isn’t always sexy!
In addition to enjoying myself and drinking a tad more than I had planned, I also learned many valuable lessons. Unfortunately, some of them are too delicate to share on my blog, but think of women, wine and sleepwear and imagine the conversations! So here’s a few things I can pass on:
- Comfort is more coveted than sex appeal. All of the pajamas were beautiful, but some of the most fought over were the kind of thing you hate to take off even to wash!
- When you hope to prevent your gift from being stolen, stuff it in your bra!
- Not wearing underwear with a thick seamed pair of work-out pants might lead to pleasure… (note this is tamer than the lessons I can’t write about…) I should also say that one piece of advice in particular was so appreciated by my husband that he encouraged me to spend much more time with this group of women!
- Men mistake hot flashes for an invitation. Just because the pajamas come off doesn’t mean…
- Book clubs are not just for readers, some just come for the wine!
- As I have said before, women will come up with any excuse to get together and drink. (Hell, I have even met virtually with a group of writers while we tweeted and drank wine).
At this party we talked about putting together a book club that would meet at a nightclub (yes, really) and it got me to thinking, what other “reasons” could we come up with to get together, drink some wine and laugh like school girls?
This is where you come in! What ideas do you have for a female get togethers? I am looking for something that sounds like it’s legitimate (so that husbands don’t think twice about watching the kids) like a book club, but can be done over cocktails. I am also a fan of anything that fuels humor and over-sharing!
Laughing is good for the soul and alcohol is good for everything else!
Seven Deadly Sins Challenge – Wrath
Okay, we’re almost done with the Seven Deadly Sins Challenge, I am admittedly losing interest in the challenge so I am changing the rules. (My ADD hard at work) Instead of listing seven things that annoy me, I will just share one annoying story.
Last week I was coming out of the gym in the rain. I jumped in my SUV and was sitting in the car, in park, talking to my husband. A women attempted to pull in to the spot next to me, but she was on her cell phone. I have no issue with people who drive and talk on their cell phones, if they are capable of it. Clearly, this woman was not.
She pulled into the spot at such a bad angle I thought she was going to hit one or more cars, but she stopped in time. I assumed she would hang up her call to evaluate how to fix her botched parking job, but instead she threw her car in reverse and kept right on chatting. Her side mirror was approaching my side mirror fast. I told my husband, “Hang on babe, some bimbo is about to hit me”. This is of course sent him into a panic, but I assured him I was in no danger, other than losing my temper or laughing hysterically (I really couldn’t decide which way it was going to go.) Sure enough her mirror hit mine. She stopped, looked at the mirror, looked at me and DIDN’T HANG UP THE PHONE. She merely kept trying to straighten her car out. I am now relaying this story to my husband, trying to contain my laughter. She was still in motion and it was raining so I waited a second to roll down my window. She now was in forward again and heading back towards my mirror, I opened my window and pulled my mirror in quickly. I did this because a) I wanted to see if she had scratched it (she had not) and b) I didn’t want her to hit it again. When I moved the mirror, she waved and mouthed thank you while continuing her call. Really?!
I normally succumb to road rage but the whole situation was so silly, I couldn’t help but laugh. She then finished parking on her eighth attempt, jumped out of the care and ran inside. She did not make eye contact, attempt to apologize or even wave. I decided in the spirit of the holidays, I would just let it go, be a mature adult and bad-mouth her the rest of the day!
Was it annoying? Yes, but also funny. Did it lead to wrath? No, because my parents taught me to be kind to those less fortunate than me and based on her driving skills, she will have other bouts of bad luck!
Do you have any funny road rage stories? My friend recently rear-ended a guy who ended up asking her out on a date!
Seven Deadly Sins – Envy
I am sitting here ridiculously full from a meal out with friends and their kids. When I finished my meal off the guilt free menu, I moved on to my kids’ hamburger and chicken nuggets. Unbeknownst to me they had gotten a hold of the salt shaker, that didn’t stop me. I am now uncomfortable. This will explain the theme of my envy.
- I envy people who are smarter than me and don’t overeat.
- I envy those who don’t crave cheese, chocolate, butter and carbs all day long.
- I envy those who have the willpower to turn down sweets. (My husband just brought me a piece of candy that I should not eat. Hmmm… yum.)
- I envy people who wake up excited to workout.
- I really envy those who don’t need to workout
- I envy anyone who doesn’t have a stomach ache right now.
- I envy pregnant women with an excuse to eat and gain weight. (Don’t confuse me with the details that they have to lose the weight afterwards.)
Does anyone think I have a problem? If so, let’s discuss it over a slice of pizza.
What?!
A Mother’s Take on Airport Security
I just returned from another business trip, I travel enough for work that I know some of the TSA agents better than my friends. I feel bad for many of them; it’s a hard, stressful job. If they screw up, bad things can happen. If they don’t screw up, bad things can still happen and they will be scrutinized and blamed. With all the recent press about pat downs and body scans, I became irritated. I question the effectiveness of some of these measures, but I appreciate that there is a group of people trying to keep us safe within the constraints of our justice system. I am going to spare you my diatribe on why we can’t fight terrorists when we play by different rules… I would rather be a little inconvenienced and live to bitch about it than be a victim. So let me provide a mother’s reality check on airport security:
- A pat down is nothing to me. I have kids pawing at me all day. I have had strangers watch me give birth. I have had lactation consultants man handle my lady lumps. You want to pat me down? Knock yourself out. I am sorry if you get peanut butter on your hands, my kids accosted me before I left for the airport.
- Body scanners are the least of my worries. I dodge Nerf bullets, have my feet taken out by moving furniture and am exposed to entirely too many loud noises. A little radiation sounds like a picnic. My lack of sleep is a much bigger threat to my health. As far as the modesty goes – see number one. And here’s a newsflash – my anatomy is the same as every other female. And right now that anatomy is intact, without bullet holes or damage from bombs.
- Don’t blame the agent. Being jerky to a TSA agent is like being a jerk to a kid. It’s not their fault. TSA agents just follow orders. Kids are just a product of their parents (which explains SO much about my children)! Let’s follow the Golden Rule people!
- An ounce of prevention… This is a common phrase to explain that being proactive is worth it. If one extra kid lives from wearing a bike helmet, it was worth it. If one extra terrorist is stopped by the scans and pat down, it was worth it.
- Being half dressed is normal. Many people complain about stripping off belts, shoes and coats. Mothers are having a good day if that is all they’re missing.
A final suggestion: Let my kids run airport security. Terrorists would take one look at my diabolical children and surrender!
What do you think about airport security?
Don't worry, it's a Nerf gun...
Seven Deadly Sins Challenge – Sloth
I have bragged through vanity, recovered from gluttony and had a blast with greed, so it’s time to move on to seven things I neglect to do. First I have to say that lately I feel like listing seven things I don’t neglect to do would be much simpler! Does anybody else feel like life is chaos right now? I feel like I am barely treading water and slightly (or majorly) behind on everything!
- Wash my hair. I really am lazy and sometimes I get up in the morning and have so much to do that washing my hair feels like a waste of time. I always take a shower… eventually…
- Mail greeting cards. I have cards, I think of people on certain occasions, but I can’t get them to the post office! Similarly, I have baby gifts for two people that have been sitting on my counter for weeks!
- Floss. At least I am honest.
- Exercise. I was on a roll, now I just look like one.
- Share pictures. I have taken so many great pictures of friends and their kids, someday they will get to see them.
- Clean out my closet. Ugh.
- Breathe. So today, I cut out early from work (I am on business travel), bought a cupcake and inhaled it.
What are you neglecting to do? Is it because you’re busy or the task is not appealing?
Maybe tomorrow...
Pay It Forward
Slightly Off-Balance 