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10 Rules of Slightly Off-Balance Me
I am currently reading Bitter Is The New Black by Jen Lancaster. In her book, she has the “Jen Commandments” that basically give her boyfriend Fletch some guidelines he must adhere to. Hilarious! They inspired me to write my commandments. I am sure my husband has already figured these out, but a few might be universal – please check with your significant other!
- Skin care, hair care and supplements are not luxuries, they are necessities – I plan to grow old gracefully. Well, at least look graceful.
- If opening a bottle of wine, save the cheap stuff for someone else. I may have broken up with wine, but we still each other, and I want our reunions to be special.
- I like to cook but I do not want to be expected to do it on a regular basis.
- I have mowed a lawn once. Period.
- I am a HUGE over-communicator (I know you’re shocked), failure to communicate back to me will be taken as a sign of hostility.
- When faced with a situation I don’t know how to handle (like turning off a quad), I will throw my hands up in the air and say”What do I do?” Come running.
- Never leave the house without a hug and kiss goodbye. However, if one of us has not brushed our teeth, stick to the cheek please.
- That reminds me, morning breath is a huge inhibitor to morning sex.
- I like to pretend I am handy and love to have a reason to carry around the Makita (I say that word over and over), please don’t burst my bubble.
- I am fine with guy humor and fraternity house talk, but the toilet seat must be down.
Wow, 10 went fast and I have more to say. This might be the first installment of the rule book… I realize I may sound high maintenance, I prefer to tell my husband I am a delicate orchid, that when properly cared for provides endless beauty and enjoyment. (Then we both laugh hysterically.)
What are your rules?
I look handy just carrying it around!
10 Effects of Shopping with Kids
While my husband was on his guys trip this weekend, I stayed home with the kids. I was thrilled to have no schedule to adhere to other than one soccer game. I had planned to just relax with my kids, until I had the brilliant idea to do some shopping for my upcoming trip to New York. Here are the effects of my bright idea…
- While wearing flip-flops I had my foot run over by my insistent cart drivers SIX times
- They opened the dressing room door, exposing my semi-naked body, TWICE
- My daughter did “snow angels” on the floor of Ross – hello bath time!
- I fed my kids two chocolate milks, two LARGE cookies, hotdogs and popcorn in an undisclosed order…
- I had to bribe with a toy submarine, a Dora backpack, and two dollar-bin masks, AFTER say, I would not buy them anything
- I ran into someone I knew at the exact moment I was hissing at my kids that they had better behave or else
- I “temporarily” lost the car keys
- I was impressed by my kids creativity when they devised dressing room games including
- Different ways to wear a strapless bra and underwear (picture underwear on their heads with sunglasses over it)
- How to turn plastic hangers into weapons
- How high can they throw the tags that tell how many items I have in the dressing room
- I almost inadvertently shoplifted when I found a bracelet in my purse, as I was pulling out my wallet at the register, that my daughter had decided she wanted
- I have come up with a new mommy threat – “Be good or I will take you clothes shopping with me”
I have friends and family who would have watched the kids, but I decided I was supermom and could handle a few errands with the kids. Isn’t it great how life reminds us that we there is no such thing as supermom?
I Believe in Vampires Because of My Kids
First, a confession. I have told you in the past that I have seen the Twilight movies, but I love Twilight, Sookie Stackhouse and True Blood, Black Dagger Brotherhood and The Gates. To make this statement requires me to swallow my pride. When Twilight fist came out, I teased my friends for reading teeny-bopper books. I told them I am not into vampires. Then I read Twilight and was hooked on the series. But I maintained that it was just those books and I would not read any other vamp books… Well, clearly, I ate those words.
As I was watching True Blood last night, it occurred to me that my children have all the same powers as vampires, so I can only surmise that vampires do exist. Here’s the “proof”:
- Vampires defy gravity with their jumping and sometimes flying abilities – My son scaled the dressing room wall at Target Saturday to retrieve a toy I took away from him. He regularly climbs door jams and other objects for sport.
- Vampires suck the life out of you by sucking your blood – My children have one up on the vamps here – they can suck the life out of me without even leaving a puncture mark.
- Vampires keep odd hours, awake at night and sleeping during the day– My children enjoy keeping me awake at night and then recharging their batteries during the day, while I struggle through work sleepless.
- Vampires can glamour you to erase unwanted memories– Vampires have to learn this trick. My kids started erasing my unpleasant memories the day they were born. 6 hours of labor while waiting for an epidural – that must be a rumor, I don’t remember that. When they have been naughty or unruly, they simply come up, snuggle me and whisper I love you in their cutest voice and I am putty in their little supernatural hands.
So yes, I believe in vampires now, but I am not afraid of them. I know a vampire is no match for my kids!
The “Real” Me
I attended my daughter’s preschool back to school night this evening. This means, getting to know a new group of parents, some of which have their oldest in preschool. New parents always worry me because they may not have given up their ideals and sanity yet. They say admirable things like, “How do we know what our kids learned in school today so I can ask my child about it?” I respect this, but the easy way out is “what did you do, what did you learn and what was your favorite part”? They are still trying to do everything right (bless their hearts). I have to say, all of the moms I met seem very nice and down to earth, but time will tell who is as off-balanced as me. I have decided to show them the “real me” as early as possible in hopes of bringing them to the dark-side of reality parenting. Or maybe they are already there…
Last summer, there was an evening when I had too much to liquid fun and I was acting like a child. I was throwing food at my friends (trying to start a food fight, not out of malice) and generally acting silly. My husband was getting irritated with me (how could this be?!) . I turned to my group of friends and proclaimed, “This is the real me!”. I will never live that quote down, but I have also embraced it in many ways. Here’s more about the “real” me. Yes, it’s another list of confessions.
- I loathe the idea of owning a dog. My kids want one very badly and I am dead set against it. When I hear dog, I think hair, fleas, chewed up furniture, doggie breath and more responsibility. It is a threat to my precarious life balance. Don’t get me wrong, I like dogs – when they belong to other people! I am also not a huge fan of overnight dog guests, but have made exceptions for my dearest friends. (Devon – I am high-fiving you right now).
- I let my kids eat food they have dropped on the ground (there’s no dog to clean it up). Correction, I tell my kids they have to eat what they drop, because I am not giving them more. Now, this is only in my house, when the floors are reasonably clean, and maybe outside if it’s not too public of an area…
- I love the idea of playdates that involve cocktails. I NEVER drink when I am responsible for someone elses children AT ALL and I never have more than one if my husband is out-of-town. This is not a joke and if you drink while watching my kids, you will learn about mama bear. But, if you bring your little one over in the afternoon and you’re staying and want to have a beer with me, that is my kind of playdate!
- I am perfectly comfortable letting my children’s teachers be responsible for their learning. I will do all the homework and read to them, but frankly, I am exhausted at night and do not feel compelled to do extra credit as a mom. I am glad there are professionals to ensure my kids are brilliant.
- I recycle, but I drive a diesel SUV, do not compost, never made my own baby food, use disposable diapers and pull-ups and loved having drugs to ease the pain of labor.
- I bake the bread for church, but mostly to make up for how often I miss Mass (meaning mostly absent) and to see a friend who I never get to see unless it is baking time.
- I don’t like cold water so I spend more time watching my kids swim than swimming with them.
- I cannot do math. Period.
What’s the real you? You can tell me, I promise to use a fake name when I blog about it! 😉
Instant Gratification
I am not going to lie – I am a big fan of instant gratification. Just call me Veruca in “Charlie in the Chocolate Factory” – I want it now! One of my friends calls it the Sod-It Syndrome. She can’t wait for grass to grow, she would rather have sod. I could provide endless examples of my impatience and you know how I love a good list. However, I will refrain this time… nah!
- I sometimes inadvertently get drunk trying to reach the happy buzz place to quickly
- I have turned myself orange more than once trying to achieve a dark spray on tan in 24 hours that usually takes a week
- I invent scheduling conflicts to get my performance reviews back from my manager earlier.
- I, like most Americans, have done my share of accumulating debt in college because I couldn’t wait for a time when I could afford shopping (or excessive drinking)
- I researched the earliest pregnancy test because one extra day of waiting was too much for me
The irony is that it drives me nuts when my kids can’t be patient. Seriously, good things are worth the wait little pumpkins! (And do as mommy says, not as mommy does!)
So are you a seed or a sod person?
I CHOOSE To Love
In a recent post, I talked about I feel kids help my marriage. This may seem unusual to some, but I truly believe I can choose my perspective and response to life. Not every day is magic and love. I break under pressure, I consider sending my kids off to the circus and my husband to Antarctica, but I make choices. I chose to have kids and I choose to focus on the positive.
My husband and I did a couples counseling weekend before we got married and they said you will not be in love with your partner through your whole marriage, some days you will have to use your resolve and choose to love. I choose to love on the tough days. When I want to unleash my completely unbalanced side on my husband, I make a conscious decision to love him. I definitely do not feel in love with him at that moment, but I remind myself that our relationship is deeper than that. My choice to love him is what carries me through until I feel “in love” again. I know that life is full of ups and downs. I use the ups to get me through the downs. I am confident that each chapter in my life will be different. I also now have a clever way of telling him I am angry with him the kids are present – when he hears me say “I am choosing to love you”, he knows he has set off my crazy side!
I used my “choose to love mantra” with a friend yesterday. She was having one of those days, she was arguing with her husband in front of her kids. She was at her wit’s end and didn’t provide the normal explanation to her kids that mommies and daddies fight, but still love each other. Instead, she had that moment where her head may have been capable of spinning around on her neck and she was driving the anger train! She needed fresh perspective. I reminded her that she has the ability to choose to love him.
– On a side note, imagine how annoying it must be to have a friend like me who interjects positivity and “choose to love” mantras when you’re pissed off and ready to come unglued. Maybe it’s not my advice that helps, but rather that her husband seems like a better ally then my Little Mary Sunshine personality (reminder: I have several personalities).
Back to the point – I believe that my marriage is strengthened by weathering the rocky periods. I look back on the ten years of my marriage and they haven’t all been as good as this one and I know there will be rough years in the future, but I’d rather be tested and pass than keep my marriage in a bubble. It’s a lot of work to choose happiness, positivity and love. It’s also a lot of work to be friends with me, but I have to hope that there is some goodness in both.
WHOSE Back-To-School Night?
I attended back to school night this evening for my son’s elementary school. Most people think the name comes from children returning to school and parents spending the evening learning about their new teachers and programs. Those people are wrong. I am here to tell you it is called back-to school-night because you personally feel like you are back in school. Here is my evidence:
- You try to carpool so you don’t show up to a large group of people by yourself
- You’re afraid to be late and make a bad first impression with the teacher
- If someone walks into the classroom late, they look flustered and quickly spout apologies and excuses
- In between sessions, you quickly try to find your friends so you’re not standing by yourself
- You spend this time comparing teachers and even sharing a few urban legends/ gossip about the faculty
- There is a rebel group that skips the general session where attendance is not noted
If you’re still not convinced that some parents digress to college students themselves. Here are some direct quotes from the evening:
- “I knew I should have brought margaritas…”
- “Don’t tell my husband I left back to school night early to go get a drink with the girls.”
- “So I was picking up a tequila bottle off my bedroom floor this morning…”
Finally, I attended an “after-party” aka drinks with a few girlfriends where the following statements were made:
- “So you’re basically drinking straight vodka?” “No, they shake it with ice, so little molecules of water get in there too.”
- “I won’t look so sophisticated drinking this martini when I hit the second one.”
- “Shoot, get the check, I promised I would be home by 7:30!”
So you tell me, was I at back to school night as a parent or reliving my days of youth? Either way, I balanced informative with fun!
What kind of apple should I bring the teacher?
I Have Mold In My Shower and Other Confessions
I like to quote the Wizard in the “The Wizard of Oz” when he says, “Don’t look behind the curtain”. For me that means I usually appear to have it together, but it’s typically held together with scotch tape and dental floss.
I was reminded of my wizard mantra yesterday when my friend and I agreed we were ‘going to pull it together’. You know, the day where you vow to catch up on everything. Why do we set such lofty goals?! So I went for it. I am 90% caught up on work, filled out my daughter’s preschool paperwork (that was due weeks ago), worked on a birthday present for a friend, blah, blah, blah.
I am really proud of myself. I started congratulating myself on being amazing until I looked behind my curtain…
- I picked up my house and cleaned my stove, but there is mold in the shower
- I fed my kids dinner BEFORE soccer practice, but it was a microwave meal
- I arranged to take a family with a new baby dinner tomorrow, but I went store-bought instead of homemade
- I did the grocery shopping, by putting a fake meeting on my work calendar
- I had to put my friend’s son’s first day of school in my calendar so I wouldn’t forget to ask how it went on the correct day
- I took my FIRST shower for the “day” at 10:00 pm
I also have a few standing tricks I pull to appear more together than I am:
- I use dry shampoo so I don’t have to wash and style my hair as often
- I have big drawers behind cabinet doors where I store all the kids toys at night
- I keep a stash of cards, presents and wrapping paper so I don’t show up without a gift (because I am not organized enough to mail birthday cards)
- I have dimmer switches on my lights so you can’t see the dust if you come to my house for dinner
Now, I could easily say that I work smarter, not harder (with the exception of the mold in the shower) but the point is, we all do the best we can. We can usually make things livable, but rarely perfect. I did not write this list to put myself down, but rather to keep a firm grip on reality. I can only do what I can do and it is what it is. (Yes, I am going for a cliché record). If my shower was mold free (it will be Thursday) and the meals were homemade, I would be even more off-balance than I already am.
Therefore, I am celebrating the chaos behind the curtain! Please join me in this celebration and share your tricks for keeping it together or giving the appearance that you have it together.
Don't Look Behind The Curtain
Sunday Blues
A fabulous, fun-filled weekend is over and my family and I had to face reality today. I knew the dreaded Monday was coming. Mondays smack me in the face before they even start. I call it the Sunday Blues.
My Sunday Blues typically kick in about 5:00 pm every Sunday when I start worrying about what I need to do for work Monday morning and how busy the week is going to be. Yesterday the Sunday Blues kicked in early – at 2:00. Between my anniversary, my son’s first day of school and other fun stuff, I slacked a bit at work last week – okay, truthfully, I was the Ferris Bueller of the corporate world! So today I am paying the piper, trying to do dammage control. What did I blow off last week that I shouldn’t have? Whose waiting on me for a response? What important milestone did I not approve? What executive update did I fail to provide? I will be spending my morning catching up before it catches up to me.
In addition, my husband left for a business trip this morning, which means I will juggle getting the kids to school, working, homework, dinner, soccer practice, baths and back to school night by myself. Once the week gets going, I do just fine, because I am too busy to worry about it. But I can’t seem to avoid mourning the loss of our relaxed weekend time and dreading the stress of life as Sunday comes to a close.
However, in the spirit of trying to stay balanced – I will look for the positives. I will enjoy the 1:1 time with my kids. I will run the house by my rules. I will remind myself how independent and organized I can be. I will take up the whole king bed when I sleep! And then I will thank God when my husband comes home and rescues me from the brink of insanity!
I’d ask you to wish me luck, but there are single parents who deserve daily Hallmark cards. I have friends whose spouses travel every week. There are military families who juggle so much more. This is not a pity party, this is recognition of the challenge at hand. I am ultra competitive and will not let the Sunday Blues predict the outcome of this week!
As I began writing this post, I was feeling mopey and scattered, now Eye of the Tiger (I am not even a huge Rocky fan) is playing in my head and I am ready to get through it!
If all else fails, Plan B involves a bottle of wine and a babysitter!
Humble, Grateful and Still Off-Balance
The day after receiving so much traffic from being freshly pressed, thank you Freshly Pressed Gods, I am faced with what to write about. Do I follow in Lori Dyan’s footsteps and discuss the overwhelming, thrilling experience of having 2,000+ hits in a single day? I loved her post, and could certainly discuss the excitement of the day, however, I am going to stick to what I always do, write about what is pounding the hardest in my head and/or heart.
I am humble, grateful and…
I am overwhelmed by a day so filled with love and hope. Yesterday would have been a great day just celebrating 10 years of marriage to my husband. I realize how lucky I am to have a wonderful partner to share in the joys and struggles of life. I know that 10 years would not have happened without him being who he is.
However, in addition, I was given the unique gift of discussing love, marriage and children with so many people yesterday. I was humbled by the kind words people shared about my perspective. But I feel the need for full disclosure: I am not positive and grateful every day. Children and marriage are tough! Some days, I am the crazy lady who closes the windows so the neighbors don’t hear me screaming at the kids. I am the irrational wife who takes out a bad day on her husband by being cranky and hard to please. My blog is called Slightly Off-Balance for a reason – I am on an emotional roller coaster, just like I suspect most people are.
What made yesterday different is that each comment on how important it is to be positive reinforced my resolve, commitment and appreciation of family. Readers yesterday took my feelings and gave them more strength than ever. Even the gentleman who said I might be delusional (I loved his honesty) was a reminder that every day is not Hallmark cards, flowers* and anniversary dinners. I read every comment and will finish responding to each one, not only because I appreciate the time people take to read my thoughts but because I will go back to those comments to get me through the hard days. A hundred plus strangers are now part of my marriage enjoyment/maintenance/survival toolkit – wow, that is a gift. I told my husband last night at dinner that on bad days I am going to read what I wrote yesterday and the subsequent comments to remind me of my priorities.
Now, it wouldn’t be a post from me if there wasn’t a flip side – Things were going so well yesterday that I felt like anything was possible. In addition to the joys I have shared, we had some good news on a business endeavor yesterday, it felt like I was charmed. I was ready to take my luck to Vegas! So as I sat at dinner with my husband last night, drinking too much wine, I started to think that more good things could potentially happen. I got it in my wine and love filled head that my husband was going to propose to me to renew our vows and that he had an anniversary ring. (I am pausing so you can finish laughing). Although I am well aware that it is a bad economy and we had agreed no gifts, I decided he had been planning for so long that it was still possible. I thought the waitress was pushing dessert hard and looking at my husband in a knowing way, I pictured the ring arriving on my dessert plate. I even went as far as texting one of my friends my ludicrous thoughts while my husband was in the bathroom.
You know how the story ends, there was no new ring, no “proposal” and I didn’t even get flowers (pausing to remind myself of appreciation and love), but there was a lot of chuckling when I told my husband of my crazy thoughts. You see, he knows who he is married to, my thoughts did not surprise him or upset him, he looked at me fondly the way we look at our children when they are being insane. That look of amusement and love was almost as good as a new ring…
Thanks for being part of the ride!
Pay It Forward
Slightly Off-Balance 