Slightly Off-Balance

I got the BRILLIANT idea of writing a “parenting handbook” in which I would pass on my super secret, full-proof parenting wisdom.  If this feels like a to-good-to-be-true gimmick, then you’re on the right track!  NONE of my parenting advice is full-proof and it is rarely wise, but I’ll share it with you anyways for the amazing low price of $20.00 – that’s the price of my co-pay on my kids therapy, from being subjected to my “wise” advice.

Because I have SO much wisdom to share, I will break it down into sections, starting with meals.  Meals are tough in our house.  I think this is because I am a control-freak and try too hard to prove how great of a mommy I am (a-hem) by getting my kids to eat what I think they should, when I think they should.  So here’s how you do it:

• Eating games: Show me how a dinosaur eats (and every other possible animal)  This will not teach great table manners.  As it turns out Dinosaurs and other “cool” animals are VERY messy eaters!
• Reverse psychology: “Do not eat your chicken because I really liked it and I am going to eat yours when I finish mine”.  The problem with this approach is the possibility of, “Here you go mom…”
• Fun with counting: “I bet you can’t count all the bites you can eat!”  This is my crowning glory as I get my kids to eat and can check off working on their numbers.  I am huge multi-tasker, so the only way I could improve this is to incorporate reading or social skills.  Hmm… 
• Cool names.  Turkey Lurkey is one of their favorites and it’s chicken, not turkey.  We have confused our share of waiters and dinner guests with our secret code names for food.

When these fail (absurd as that may seem…) here is Plan B (read the fine print):

The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.  Use of the below tactics is done at your own risk. 

• Negotiation: “I’ll give you $5 to eat your whole dinner”
• Fear: “Your friend Aiden barfed one night because he didn’t eat his dinner…” (I really used that one in a less than spectacular parenting moment)
• Proximity: Duct tape the little darling to the chair until dinner is done.
• Supply and Demand: Starve them for a few days, then they are bound to eat just about anything.
• Peer Pressure: All the cool kids are eating this.
• Listen to Their Bodies: Feed them whatever they want.  If they are craving it, their body must need it.

What other parenting challenges would you like for me to solve?  I am taking requests! 😉

It's what my body needs Mom!