Archive
I’m Not in College Anymore
Why do I have to keep reminding myself that I am a 33-year-old mother of two?? Why does it only take a couple of cocktails for me to think I still have the energy and liver of a college girl? When will I learn the finer points of responsible drinking?
I spent yesterday recovering from an adult costume party on Saturday night. It was a fun evening. I didn’t lose my shoes, throw-up or embarrass myself, but I still had to recover yesterday. My synapses are still not firing correctly so I will try my best to sound intelligent coherent as I share some lessons learned:
- I made a pact that I would not do shots. I should have stuck to that pact
- Little shorts under my costume was my wisest move all night
- There’s a reason they’re called Kamikazes
- It is best not to meet new people when drinking, first impressions are tough if you can’t see clearly
- Water is more effective when you drink it, not simply carry it around
- Cameras should be banned after 10:00 pm
- Safety pins can be the difference between cute and dramatically inappropriate costumes
- Although you don’t feel the pain when someone steps on your foot with their high-heel at the moment, you will the next day
- Sparkly eye makeup causes eye-twitching the next day
- When attending a costume party, know that if a guy dressed as a sheriff has a patrol car, he might be legit
When was the last time you were reminded of your age?
There’s Very Little Grass in the Working Mom Pasture
Yesterday, my witty friend Sarah shared with us 10 reasons why the grass is not greener being a Stay At Home Mom. For those who know Sarah, she is a great mom and certainly has the skills and abilities to go back to work, but she has made a commitment to her family and she’s happy with her decision… most of the time.
So now it’s my turn. Here’s my top 10 on why moms (or dads – I think you are under-represented) should not flock to the office.
- Is this your mommy? When I am out with my children, people come up and act as if my children are with a stranger. “Are you her mom?” This is why my children and I wear nametags, it helps us and those around us.
- The inevitable party follow-up question? Unlike Sarah, when I tell people I have a full-time job, they naturally ask, “Well who cares for your children?”. So I am compelled to explain – “I leave them with a pack of wolves. But I am a responsible mother, so I only leave them with female wolves, they’re more nurturing”.
- Nobody thinks you can help Because I do not care for my children, the kids, and others, assume I have no domestic or child-rearing abilities. Okay, okay, I have very few domestic abilities, but I do know how to care for my children. I can wash a disposable diaper just like a pro.
- Keeping up with the SAHM’s I have never made my own baby food, sewn a Halloween costume or chaired a school fundraiser. (I am not sure I would do those things if I were a SAHM).
- Playdates Playdates are tougher for kids with working parents. Typically playdates start because two mothers who become friends get their kids together. Mothers of the other kids have a hard time be-friending my 21-year-old gorgeous nanny. (I can’t blame them, she wears heels to drive carpool – she intimidates me too.)
- Life plus work deadlines We still have to do homework with the kids, wash soccer uniforms, bake (I mean buy) sweets for bake sales, but then I also have to manage my team at work (aka my day-time parenting job), write presentations and go on business trips. Time is my most precious resource.
- Being MIA Weeks go by where I don’t see a girlfriend, because once work is done, then I need to focus on my kids. Girl time or alone time with my husband gets pushed down the priority list. By the time I have an opening on my calendar, my friends are tired from all the fun they had without me.
- I Am Not in the Running for Anything there’s no way to win mother of the year and since I try to balance being a mom as much as I can, I am not up for employee of the year either. I might win Juggling Lunatic of the Year though, as long as they don’t deduct points for what I drop.
Yes, I owe you two more, but I have a work deadline, no clean underwear and the kids need help with homework, so let me sum up 9 and 10 with my favorite comment of all time:
“Do you think your son is having a hard time because you travel so much?” Well no, but I think he would have a hard time if I didn’t get time away!
While being a working mom is tough, so is being a stay at home mom. We each have amazing days and horrible days. We each struggle with balance, we each want to do our best. The best thing we can do as mothers (and fathers) is support each other, regardless if we get a paycheck for our hard work or not.
Seven Reasons Not to Quit
I have two choices – write about how unhappy I am in my job or have a little fun with it.
C’mon! You know what I picked (it was close though, boy did you get lucky)! My goal was 10 reasons I love my job, but I am not that creative, so here’s seven.
Ten Seven Reasons I Love My Job
- The paycheck – I love it, I need it, it’s why my husband loves me
- The escape – no job = no nanny = no break from the kids
- The corporate credit card – nothing like sampling the best restaurants and bars on somebody else’s dime
- The excuse – I need this fabulous necklace and shoes and purse and coat and… for work
- The awards – who could give up the cheesy crystal awards that my kids try to play with 😉
- The distraction – if I didn’t work, I might have to actually work-out more – ugh!
- The miles and points – we take many vacations thanks to our frequent flier miles and hotel points
If you’re looking for me to mention the role or something deep, keep looking, I am too…
If you don’t work, why would you want to? If you do work, what’s the best part for you?
The “Real” Parenting Definitions
We have all heard them, but what do these parenting buzzwords really mean…
Perspective: Trying to get eye contact with a screaming, tantrum throwing child in order to discipline them. Usually involves getting on the ground and tilting one’s head upside down.
Time-Outs: Me. Bottle of Wine. Closet or Patio.
Make Good Choices: Pick the action that will be least likely to cause me to go psycho-mommy on your tiny heinie.
Consequences: A politically correct term for mommy (or daddy) revenge. You break my i-pod, spill my cocktail or wake me up, there will be consequences.
Positive Reinforcement: Using duck tape to encourage them to stay in timeout.
Incentives: Bribes out of desperation.
Stranger Danger: The danger of giving my children to a perfect stranger if they make me too crazy.
Crying It Out: What I do on the days when I realize that I have no control and that my life is run by two little people.
What would you add to the list?
"Positive Reinforcement"
I Brushed My Teeth With What?!
Parenting has highs and lows and sometimes unexpected, and unwanted, surprises…
We spent an amazing weekend with friends from college and their children. We all got together at a private camp. We had a campfire, a hay ride, fishing, swimming, and more. It was family and friend bonding bliss.
On Saturday night, my husband graciously put the kids to bed in our cabin, while I sat up at the lodge having cocktails and visiting with our friends. I strolled into our cabin about 1:30 am and of course had to get ready for bed in the dark. The cabins were simple and we all slept in one room, which was the same room the sink was in. So I couldn’t turn on the light to brush my teeth or take out my contacts.
I was doing pretty good in the dark. I got my contacts out, found my glasses and prepared to brush my teeth. I grabbed the tube, slathered it on and shoved the toothbrush in my mouth… What the %$&#? This substance was neither foamy nor minty. It was not meant for my mouth, but rather my daughter’s butt… It was Desitin!
C’mon, make me feel better, tell me your gross parenting story!
My toothbrush the next morning...
Being Off-Balance is Rewarding
I love awards. I love honorable 
mentions, cash prizes and glossy photos on the front page. But the best awards are those that come from someone you respect and admire. It is also amazing to get recognized for doing something you love. I was touched to get an award from one of my favorite bloggers, Lori Dyan. If you like my blog, don’t read hers, because it is so much better than mine that you might break up with me! She’s funny, honest and will broach any topic. Check her out!
The Blogging Award she bestowed upon me is the Versatile Blogger Award and there are some rules I have to follow:
1. Acknowledge the person who nominated me. Lori Dyan – my blog crush! (No need for a restraining order!)
2. List ten things I like.
- Laughing so hard I pee my pants, my husband does the laundry
- Snuggling with my kids, after their baths, at bed time, when they smell clean and yummy
- Long road trips when the kids sleep and my husband and I get to finish a conversation – he’s a captive audience!
- Eating fresh fish while watching a Hawaiian sunset
- Sushi, beer and beer with the girls
- The sound of my waterski or wakeboard cutting through perfect water
- Cocktails – any kind, any occasion
- Chocolate.
- Seeing the world through my kids eyes
- Hearing that my writing resonates with someone.
3. Now I have to nominate ten other bloggers. This is hard because I have come to follow and love so many great bloggers, but here are 10 in no particular order:
- Simply Diane… – She’s funny, likes to multi-task and loves to shop – what’s not to love?
- The Marriage Project – We could all follow her plan to be a good wife and laugh along the way!
- The Candy Shoppe – Everything she rights is touching, poignant, hilarious or all three. A true artist.
- The Rock Pool – A group of female bloggers sharing the diverse and global perspectives – very cool.
- Because Chutney Goes with Everything – She writes on all sorts of topics and had me crying with laughter over pooping at work.
- Confessions of a Recovering Cynic – I recently discovered her and she is my kind of humor! (Slightly depraved)
- The Zany Housewife – I want to have cocktails and play Canasta with this hilariously fun blogger!
- The Highly Uninteresting Adventures of Average Girl – Her posts on parenting and life are far from average!
- My Morning Chocolate – I aspire to be Jen in the kitchen. Her blog fuels my passion for food!
- Conflicted Mean Girl – I know you are already a recipient, but you’re so good that you need at least two of these!
Now I am off to drink a glass of Hall Cabernet and celebrate my award!
Parenting Handbook – Meals
I got the BRILLIANT idea of writing a “parenting handbook” in which I would pass on my super secret, full-proof parenting wisdom. If this feels like a to-good-to-be-true gimmick, then you’re on the right track! NONE of my parenting advice is full-proof and it is rarely wise, but I’ll share it with you anyways for the amazing low price of $20.00 – that’s the price of my co-pay on my kids therapy, from being subjected to my “wise” advice.
Because I have SO much wisdom to share, I will break it down into sections, starting with meals. Meals are tough in our house. I think this is because I am a control-freak and try too hard to prove how great of a mommy I am (a-hem) by getting my kids to eat what I think they should, when I think they should. So here’s how you do it:
- Eating games: Show me how a dinosaur eats (and every other possible animal) This will not teach great table manners. As it turns out Dinosaurs and other “cool” animals are VERY messy eaters!
- Reverse psychology: “Do not eat your chicken because I really liked it and I am going to eat yours when I finish mine”. The problem with this approach is the possibility of, “Here you go mom…”
- Fun with counting: “I bet you can’t count all the bites you can eat!” This is my crowning glory as I get my kids to eat and can check off working on their numbers. I am huge multi-tasker, so the only way I could improve this is to incorporate reading or social skills. Hmm…
- Cool names. Turkey Lurkey is one of their favorites and it’s chicken, not turkey. We have confused our share of waiters and dinner guests with our secret code names for food.
When these fail (absurd as that may seem…) here is Plan B (read the fine print):
The following is meant for entertainment purposes only. Use of the below tactics is done at your own risk.
- Negotiation: “I’ll give you $5 to eat your whole dinner”
- Fear: “Your friend Aiden barfed one night because he didn’t eat his dinner…” (I really used that one in a less than spectacular parenting moment)
- Proximity: Duct tape the little darling to the chair until dinner is done.
- Supply and Demand: Starve them for a few days, then they are bound to eat just about anything.
- Peer Pressure: All the cool kids are eating this.
- Listen to Their Bodies: Feed them whatever they want. If they are craving it, their body must need it.
What other parenting challenges would you like for me to solve? I am taking requests! 😉
It's what my body needs Mom!
Cocktails and Passion, Hold the Books
Since the beginning of time, women have had diversions: bridge club, garden club, Bunko, book club, and the myriad of at-home parties – Stella and Dot, Pampered Chef, Cookie Lee, Southern Living – you get the idea. Let’s be honest: these are all excuses to get a few hours away from the kids, husbands, boyfriends, pets, whatever and enjoy some time with the girls.
These events are a time to catch up on each others’ lives, share parenting horror stories and exchange beauty tips, recipes and laughs. The theme, activity or reason for gathering is arbitrary, as long as we come together as women to blow off steam. I remember my shock the first time I attended book club, with my book in hand, to find that half of the women don’t read the book and we rarely discuss it. (I, being an avid reader, was slightly disappointed, but the second cocktail made me feel better.) In summary, our gatherings are the male equivalent of grabbing a beer after work (or so I suspect).
To my knowledge, all of these female gatherings include wine, cocktails or other appropriate alcohol (I’d go to Spanish Club if they served Sangria). Maybe that’s just my group of friends, but I remember my grandmother pulling out the terrifying jug of Chablis (that poured like maple syrup…) to offer with the iced tea for her bridge club. (Emily Post had nothing on those women who were steadfast enough to drink that with a polite smile). Depending on if the gathering is day or evening dictates how much consumption is socially acceptable. Occasionally, there is the added thrill of a gutsy gal exceeding the quota and being the entertainment for the evening.
This last Saturday night I attended a Passion Party. This is the pinnacle of the secret female gatherings. A consultant comes in to provide ideas and products to make life more interesting in the bedroom. *If you are conservative, stop reading, but may I remind you that if you’re a mom, you likely had sex to have a baby and if you’re not a mom, your parents likely had sex to have you – get over it!
Glad you’re still with me. But, lucky for you, the Grapefruit martinis make the evening just fuzzy enough not to articulate. (But I do believe we made the party consultant blush with our comments!) Therefore, if I am not going to provide details of the evening, why do I bring it up? Because it highlights all that is perfect about girls evenings. They are uninhibited, real and can bond perfect strangers. (I can now tell you – but I won’t – who has handcuffs in their homes and who is the most knowledgable about toys). As women, we openly discuss menstruation, children’s’ poop and weight; how is sex any more taboo? We are empowered to speak the alcohol induced truth and share our “wisdom”, humor and most embarrassing stories. We laugh so hard we understand the importance of Kegel’s.
After such an evening, we are rejuvenated – we have the smug smile of somebody holding a juicy secret and some of us anticipate the arrival of unmarked package, while dreading the visa bill. For me, I felt more romantical (it’s my favorite made up word) towards my husband and was more patient with my children. I feel closer to my girlfriends and somehow feel like a stronger woman in general.
So I am huge supporter of female gatherings and all the “secrets” shared there. I also like pages 6-9 of the summer catalog, but that’s another story…
The 7 Deadly Sins of Parenting
MSN did a piece yesterday about the Seven Deadly Sins . It got me to thinking about my sins as a parent:
Lust: With our busy schedules, traditional lust is not a daily occurrence around here. However, I will admit to lusting after shoes and purses. My shopping budget is about as scarce as lust, so I lust after the material things I gave up when I gave birth to the products of traditional lust.
Wrath: I have shared with you the dangers of the crazy mama bear. They say there is no greater wrath/fury than a woman scorned. Wrong! There is no greater wrath than me if you so much as look at my children in a threatening way. Only I can give them that look.
Pride: This is practically a gimme for parents. Have I told you my six-year-old and three-year old can water ski? Yes, I have, but I’m glad to have the opportunity to tell you brag again. I would post pictures of my kids to show the world how stinkin’ cute they are, but it goes back to that wrath and over-protective mama thing. So, pride – check.
Greed: If honesty compensates for greed than let me be clear: I would love to be rich, but not famous. I want enough money to choose my activities, to only work on things I am passionate about, to work less and enjoy life more. But it’s not just money, I want more time too. Time with the kids, time with my husband, time for myself, time for my friends. Call me Veruca: I want more and I want it now.
Envy: I envy moms (and dads) who appear to have more balance in their lives than me. I say “appear” because if they are anything like me, you shouldn’t look behind their curtain either.
Gluttony: Covered that with my post about Mommy’s Hierarchy of Needs. I use sweets and cocktails to achieve balance in my slightly off-balance life. When I really want to show my kids how much I care for them I say, “I love you more than chocolate” and sometimes I mean it.
Sloth: I have had 7 different posts that mention my inconsistent showering habits (really, I counted). Sloth is practically my middle name! I dare say I envy those who have more opportunities to be lazy than me. Do I get double points for a sin about a sin?
Bringing little angels into the world drives us to commit sin on a daily basis. Does that make me a great parent, a bad parent or just totally normal?
Mommy’s Hierarchy of Needs
My husband walked into the kitchen after we put our kids to bed and found me serving up a bowl of ice cream and stealing part of my kids homemade ice cream sandwich. He looked at me, recognized the seriousness of the situation and kept walking. He knew his life was in jeopardy if he tried to stop me or reason with me. He understands the “Mommy’s Hierarchy of Needs” based very loosely on the Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.
Based on how tough of a day I have had, I have different needs for coping. Here is the graphical representation:
As you can see, from the scientific diagram above, there are 5 levels of need. Within each level, the amount needed to cope can vary based on the severity of the day. Sweets is level one, but one M&M is a good day compared to a whole chocolate cake which is a catastrophic day. The most rare and severe level is a shot. If the day requires a shot, alternative child care should be arranged!
However, the pyramid can also represent exceptional days, where each level would denote the amount of celebration appropriate for the occasion.
With good days and bad days, levels can be combined to most accurately represent the situation and mommy’s psychological state. For example, a shot and a cupcake means that the principal, poop and stitches were involved.
So as not to discriminate, I will put together Daddy’s Hierarchy of Needs in a future post.
Pay It Forward
Slightly Off-Balance 
