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But Officer, She’s Only Three…
“I’m sorry, what?!”
“You’re kidding!”
“We have young kids playing upstairs, but everything is fine”
“No, the sheriff won’t be necessary. We apologize for the inconvenience.”
He hung up the phone, broke into laughter, looked at me and said, “your girl called the cops.” Now, our host is a kidder and loves my daughter, but will show that love through playfully giving her hard time. “Bullsh*t,” I claimed, “she doesn’t know how to dial 911. So unless you have one of those speed dial 911 buttons, I know you’re full of it.” I explained.
“I’m not kidding. She talked to them and hung up. They called back and I let them know the sheriff wasn’t necessary.”
He was laughing so I thought he was kidding until the sheriff walked up to the door.
Fortunately, the sheriff had kids and the whole matter was cleared up quickly. What went down that night is an absolute prediction of the future:
My son was the brains of the operation. He knew how to dial 911. He picked up what he thought was a fake phone and dialed. When he realized the phone was real, he knew it was trouble, so he found himself a patsy, his three-year-old sister. My little diva loves the drama and jumped at the chance to play the damsel in distress and also had absolutely no concern for the consequences. When she got caught, she wasn’t crying for fear of spending a life in stripes, she was pissed that we failed to see her star talent and ended her performance. But my girl is quick on her feet, she switched to the victim. She pleaded in a shaky voice, “Mommy, I want to go home. I am so tired. Please put me in the car RIGHT NOW,” in between her tears. She will be a Hollywood star.
My son the diplomatic boy scout admitted he made the call, explained it wasn’t his fault since he thought the phone (that had a cord connected to it and dial tone) was fake. He also quickly pointed out that he did not talk to the police. Yep, my son will come up with some great ideas, that he will have someone else execute. He is destined for management and with his parents’ OCD and strong opinions, likely the CEO.
Thank you to the sheriff for his quick response and better preparing me for the future!
My daughter's costume for a future starring role.
Lesson from My Polygamist Same-Sex Date
I have been having a polygamist, same-sex relationship. Online, no less. What would my grandmother say?
Who is this group of women? Fellow bloggers.
My expectation of blogging was simple: to have a creative outlet for myself, a personal playground. I did not expect to make friends online. And then I did.
Yesterday, I took the next step in the relationship. I met some other bloggers for lunch and wine tasting in Napa. Whitehall Lane hosted us for a fabulous wine tasting that was delicious and educational (ask me about glass corks). Who doesn’t bond over wine??? We then had a fabulous lunch at Brix. There was singing, mooning and threats of motor-boating. It was right up my alley.
As I drove home reflecting on my afternoon, I felt blessed to have spent a day with exceptional women. But as I chatted with a close friend about my experience, she said I sounded numb. She said I was saying wonderful things, but lacked my usual animation. I thought about it and realized, I lacked emotion because I had some deep thoughts brewing.
Somewhere along the way, my blogging expectations became more complex. I started watching my blog stats and wondering what it would be like to be one of those celebrity bloggers. I started thinking that turning my hobby into something more might be my next goal. After meeting these amazing women I was ready to go home and go after that goal.
But here’s the problem with me and goals: I am a crazy overachiever. My competitive spirit can cloud my judgement, reaching the goal becomes more important than the journey. I often say I could never be on the Bachelor, because I would want the rose even if the guy was a creep. I set goals for myself and when I achieve them, I feel lost. I expect that the next achievement will keep me satisfied. And it doesn’t. I end up failing to fully appreciate the experience. I fear that I could diminish my passion for writing if I take it too seriously.
I think it is great to turn passions into careers or have goals for your hobbies. I met women yesterday who, for them, this is more than a hobby and I revere them. But for me to have balance in my life, I have to catch myself. Motivation is good in moderation. I need an area of my life where I don’t push my hardest.
Does this mean I don’t have secret dreams of turning writing into something more? Of course I do. Would it be great to make a little wine and lunch money while doing something I love? Uh, yeah! But I need to slow down, take time to smell the cabernets and enjoy my new polygamist same-sex relationship.
Do you have something that gives you pure joy without stress? Is the journey or the destination more important to you?
How To Choose a Superbowl 5K
My friend and I have decided to do a few races this year and think about training for a half-marathon. I am trying to get rid of the 12 pounds of Christmas. And we’re both trying to get back to a place where we can eat and drink without guilt.
Our first race is going to be Superbowl Sunday. We had two races to choose from. Here is our decision-making process utilizing my scientific, health-focused, methodology:
Me: “Okay there’s one 10 minutes from you and one 10 minutes from me. Which one should we do?”
Her: “Didn’t you say the one by me had tailgate food afterwards?”
Me: “Ooh, yes, good point. Tailgate food afterwards is a must. Okay, I checked they both have tailgate food afterwards and beer. Maybe we should look at elevations. I don’t do hills.”
Her: “Oh yeah, flatter is better.”
Me: “Okay, they both look about the same for elevation. But the one by you does football jersey style shirts and the one by me does Hanes Beefy Tees – ugh.”
Her: “Oh, the beefy tees, always attractive. What’s the cost of each?”
Me: “Ding, ding, we have a winner. The one by you is $60, the one by me is $25.”
After emailing some other friends with our decision, a wise girl pointed out there is a great dive bar by the cheaper race too.
In summary:
- Post race food and beer
- Flat course
- Cheap fees
- Dive bar
We are true athletes!
12 Steps to a “Mature” New Years Eve
I am recovering from my exhibition of class and maturity. Here are the twelve steps for a mature and dignified New Years Eve celebration:
- Get a babysitter. I am a responsible parent. Usually…
- Dress up – we looked classy and mature
- Go to a burger joint – we were overdressed, but the food is yummy
- Play college drinking games like Circle of Death (our rules are slightly different, but you get the idea)
- Pull the fourth king (yep, lucky me) and pound a cup of champagne, Chambord, Jack Daniels and Diet Coke. Ugh!
- Have a hula-hooping contest. No, I am not kidding.
- Liberate the kids superhero masks and take pictures.
- Decide the anonymity of the masks is perfect for toilet-papering and choose a
victimlucky recipient. Our choices were the family who just had a baby and bought a new car or the couple who left our soiree early. (We only attack people we know. It’s a sign of friendship.) We chose the neighbors who left early. That’ll teach ’em… - Convince the sober driver (yes, we had one) our idea was a good one.
- Go to my house to steal toilet paper. I snuck in thru the garage so as not to
wakethe kidstip off my husband who had left the party fifteen minutes earlier and had told me not to go TP’ing…). - Toilet paper the neighbor’s house while wearing superhero masks and take pictures.
- Regret our decisions this morning when it was pouring down rain…
Needless, to say, I had to make an apology call today, after getting up with the kids at 7:00 am.
I know what you’re thinking. You think that I make this stuff up, that I couldn’t really be this immature.
Think again.
Happy New Years!
Would you like to be my neighbor?
New Years Un-Resolutions
AHHHHHHH!!!
I feel better now. Wait…
AHHHHHH!!!
Okay, all better now.
Why all the screaming you ask? (If you didn’t ask, just humor me.)
Well, you see, today is New Years Eve and you know what that means…
No, not drunken debacles. Well, yes, there may be those, but that didn’t make me scream. At least not yet.
I am screaming because the mere thought of making a New Years Resolution stresses me out! Seriously, if I haven’t been able to accomplish as task as of now, why is a specific date going to make it any easier?! It’s not. It’s just going to add pressure.
I will be sitting at dinner with a few friends tonight and we will be talking about what to give up. Yes, I am aware resolutions don’t have to be about giving things up. They can be about starting things like going to the gym, taking more time for ourselves, blah blah blah. Our group tends to focus on the what can we give up to be healthier. Aka, what vice can we give up to make more room for other vices. I call this phenomenon the vice exchange and have done scientific studies and experiments on the topic. Go ahead, click the link to learn about the vice exchange, I’ll wait right here.
Welcome back. Back to giving stuff up – We have one gentlemen in our social circle who gave up chips one year, crazy bastard – (you know you were thinking it too!) He made it the whole 365 days and then went two more months just because. (Insert more name calling here.) So the next year we all decided to give something up. I know, I know – if your friend jumps off a cliff… Anyways, I gave up ice cream. As you know, I am a sweets-aholic. But I figured if I could keep cake, cookies, candy, etc I would be ok. The first few months went great. Yep, I was a superstar for not eating ice cream IN THE WINTER! But the minute the weather warmed up, my will power cooled down. I ate ice cream in April. Nope, I didn’t even make it until a heat wave when it may have been medically necessary to consume frozen dairy products.
This was two years ago and I haven’t made a resolution since. As you may have read, I have given things up for bets and I give things up for Lent, but a whole year of not doing something, or starting something for that matter? SCARY!
So my resolution is not to make a resolution. Resolutions don’t allow for balance in the normal chaos of life and I am all about balance. I prefer, rather, to be “mindful” of certain things. So here is my (da da da da – that’s trumpets):
2011 Mindful List:
- Be real. I swear in real life. Not around children or relatives, but with friends. I approach this blog as if chatting with my friends, so may see more frequent swearing (like calling my chip-quitting neighbor a bastard). Swearing is the real me. Also included in the real me is inappropriate humor (I will use a filter though – you’re welcome), bouts of craziness (you may have already suspected this one) and a severe case of ADD.
- Judge myself by the same bar as I judge others. I am tougher on myself than others, so I am going to give myself a break and be more accepting of me, the way I am accepting of my crazy (not a judgment, but rather a compliment) friends.
- Drinking water. It reduces headaches, helps chapped lips, promotes clear skin and can prevent or reduce hangovers. Water is my new BFF. But Captain is still my boyfriend.
- Exercise is not the enemy. I feel better after a good workout. I can eat more sweets and still fit into my clothes. I can visit with my friends while working out. I can waterski and wakeboard without severe injury. I’ll be mindful of the benefits of kicking my own ass.
- Sweets are like house guests – they are better in small doses.
- Instant gratification is not always the best option. I am not sure I belive this, but I will be mindful of it (or be reminded of it when my credit card statement comes).
Well, I think my list is already too long for me. So let’s talk about you.
What are you going to be mindful of in 2011?
I’ll get you started:
- Paige LOVES comments on her blog. Something as quick as “so true” makes me smile and I love people who are wittier than me. There seems to be a lot of folks in this category… hmm…
The (Off-Balance) Day Before Christmas
Another Great Gift: Beer Bike
I am really proud of my community service here: I am not only providing some great gift ideas, I am also encouraging physical fitness. I give you the Beer Bike.
Credit to GCV for the find!
BEST Christmas Gift Idea: Shotski
I was out for yet another holiday event last night – don’t try this at home kids, I am a professional. I went out for sushi and drinks with some girlfriends. There are many highlights, but I think I can sum it all up with my friend’s gift idea: the Shotski. It’s ecofriendly (if you find a ski in a dumpster), cheap and unique.
Do you hate when one person drinks their shot before everyone else? Do you have a friend who nurses their shot? Do you know someone who has everything? The Shotski is for you.
What’s your go-to gift this season?
The 12 Pounds of Christmas
I am Paige and I have a problem. My vices have become so debilitating that I cannot make it two hours, TWO HOURS, without chocolate or some Christmas treat! And every night presents a new reason to drink. (Okay, I can find a reason every night to have a glass of wine, but I’m talking about really good reasons like Christmas parties, holiday traditions and my feet were cold.)
So here it is – my 12 pounds of Christmas:
- The kids made peppermint bark. What kind of mother would I be if I didn’t eat it and tell them how yummy it was.
- Every year we have our favorite toffee shipped from Colorado. WE ONLY GET IT ONCE PER YEAR – of course I ate it – I had to before my husband did.
- I attended my work holiday luncheon and drank white wine – hey it paired nicely with the heavy cream bisque.
- After the lunch we had a morale event that was bartending lessons (and tasting) – it was a morale event, I had to participate.
- Following bartending, we had an after party at another bar. I am on the leadership team, I had to drink to make others feel like it was ok. But because I am a manager, I didn’t want people getting too drunk, so I ordered everyone a bunch of pizzas. I had to eat them too- you can’t have management passing out drunk.
- We watched Polar Express as a family – the kids drank cocoa, I drank cocoa and Bailey’s. It’s a requirement.
- The kids made sugar cookies – again with the good mother thing.
- We made gingerbread houses – I had to “clean up” the left over frosting.
- One of the neighbors brought over chocolate covered pretzels – nobody can say I am a bad neighbor, I ate the pretzels.
- The kids made those peanut butter cookies with the Hershey kisses. AND they used dark chocolate – my favorite. Being such a fantastic mom to my lil’ bakers is becoming a problem.
- We had dinner at a friend’s house, they poured cocktails, I didn’t want to be a rude, so I drank three.
- We stood out in the cold to watch Santa come through the neighborhood on a fire truck, it was cold, I needed to stay warm, I prefer liquid heat.
So as you can see, in the spirit of giving, because I am a giver, and in the spirit of the holidays, I have done my duty as a mother, friend, neighbor, boss and employee. I have eaten and drank nightly and CHRISTMAS IS STILL OVER A WEEK AWAY! Does this mean I’ll stop now before Christmas? Uh, no! I want to be on Santa’s good list, and judging from his belly he rewards those who selflessly indulge, like me, over those who turn their back on holiday traditions. At the rate I am going, I am pretty sure Santa is bringing me diamonds and a new car.
Eat, drink and be merry!
Advertising – WTF
What exactly did I search, buy or look at on the internet to get this email?!
Now, I am not going to lie, I do sometimes feel like a seventy-year old woman – just ask my beloved Chiropractor. However, as long as I follow her treatment plan of exercise (uh…), Advil and wine (this is why I love her), I should not need a scooter for at least another five years.
But I am not going to lie, I am still tempted to get one for neighborhood parties. I live in a hilly neighborhood; walking home in heels after a few cocktails is risky. Can you get a SUI? Scootering Under the Influence?
Pay It Forward
Slightly Off-Balance 