Lesson from My Polygamist Same-Sex Date
I have been having a polygamist, same-sex relationship. Online, no less. What would my grandmother say?
Who is this group of women? Fellow bloggers.
My expectation of blogging was simple: to have a creative outlet for myself, a personal playground. I did not expect to make friends online. And then I did.
Yesterday, I took the next step in the relationship. I met some other bloggers for lunch and wine tasting in Napa. Whitehall Lane hosted us for a fabulous wine tasting that was delicious and educational (ask me about glass corks). Who doesn’t bond over wine??? We then had a fabulous lunch at Brix. There was singing, mooning and threats of motor-boating. It was right up my alley.
As I drove home reflecting on my afternoon, I felt blessed to have spent a day with exceptional women. But as I chatted with a close friend about my experience, she said I sounded numb. She said I was saying wonderful things, but lacked my usual animation. I thought about it and realized, I lacked emotion because I had some deep thoughts brewing.
Somewhere along the way, my blogging expectations became more complex. I started watching my blog stats and wondering what it would be like to be one of those celebrity bloggers. I started thinking that turning my hobby into something more might be my next goal. After meeting these amazing women I was ready to go home and go after that goal.
But here’s the problem with me and goals: I am a crazy overachiever. My competitive spirit can cloud my judgement, reaching the goal becomes more important than the journey. I often say I could never be on the Bachelor, because I would want the rose even if the guy was a creep. I set goals for myself and when I achieve them, I feel lost. I expect that the next achievement will keep me satisfied. And it doesn’t. I end up failing to fully appreciate the experience. I fear that I could diminish my passion for writing if I take it too seriously.
I think it is great to turn passions into careers or have goals for your hobbies. I met women yesterday who, for them, this is more than a hobby and I revere them. But for me to have balance in my life, I have to catch myself. Motivation is good in moderation. I need an area of my life where I don’t push my hardest.
Does this mean I don’t have secret dreams of turning writing into something more? Of course I do. Would it be great to make a little wine and lunch money while doing something I love? Uh, yeah! But I need to slow down, take time to smell the cabernets and enjoy my new polygamist same-sex relationship.
Do you have something that gives you pure joy without stress? Is the journey or the destination more important to you?
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Slightly Off-Balance 
I have found myself in the same place of watching stats and worrying too much about the next post. For this blogging year I am going to return to writing for me. If others enjoy it along the way (and I hope they do) then that is an added bonus. Keep doing what you’re doing, Paige…it’s awesome!! Cheers and hugs, Diane
Thanks Diane! Let’s make a pact to keep each other joyful, and not miss the fun due to worrying!
Oh sure, you’re all fun and games in person but then you go home and write this and you SOLIDIFY every thing I feel about blogging.
You nailed my internal conflict ON THE HEAD. I LOVE the community I have built (and am building, thank you) but just when I’m feeling good about what I’ve done and what I’m doing, I find a blogger I admire not giving me the attention that she give to smaller blogs and I fall hard. Sucks the pleasure right out of the experience.
You however, have restored my faith…thank you.
So am I your sister wife? or how does this work? Who’s the husband in this scenario?
Blogging is like anything else, we have good days (like you’re having Miss BlogHer) and we have days where we feel like we fell short. Some wise person said, do what you’re passionnate about and everything else will follow. I am going to write from my heart (or warped brain) and leave the rest to fate. At least that’s the plan today.
Hmmm, we do have to work out roles…
Ask me tomorrow, not today.
That’s not true, I’ll never really have an answer to this question. Pure joy? I dunno…that’s a tough one. Even joy needs to be cleaned up after it seems.
I just started blogging last week and I already find myself worrying about stats. I completely agree with you on enjoying the journey. I will say that blogging keeps me focused on the book I’m writing, but I also see it getting in the way b/c I think of what I’m going to blog about before working on my book.
I think I will need to find my balance….
I think this is something many of us struggle with. I often find myself wanting to be at the cool kids table, to be accepted by the blogger whom appears larger than life, and to have a following so large that I have to use more than two hands to count it.
Your stance on blogging resonated with me because it’s not one that you see everyday. I was beginning to think I was the only person who blogged for me; not for what it could bring me. Sure, the celebrity and money would be fabulous and as you said, helpful in supporting the wine habit, but it’s about so much more.
Kudos to you for recognizing the difference and allowing this outlet to remain a source of joy and creativity.
Thanks Courtney! I think different personalities can approach this differently. Some people can go after the perks of blogging without losing the joy. Bravo to them and I am jealous. I just know that, for me, I have to keep a tight leash on my ambition or I ruin the ride.
So great to meet you on Saturday and I loved the picture of your promiscuous cat! 😉
Love your posts; you are a very talented writer.
Stats, schmats.
It was awesome meeting you and I can tell, you’re going to be a star.
Yay for new sisterwives!
Thanks Helen! It was so great meeting you, I was a little in awe of you! I can’t wait for more entertaining tips!!
Writing has always been such an incredible outlet for me… a way to bounce my opinions off myself until they’re really squeaky and well-thought out. But somewhere in the last few years it’s gone from that amazing outlet that I love to that amazing outlet that I love that EVERYONE I KNOW NOW READS. And that adds some extra pressure to mind what I say, but am I really being true to myself if I do?
Great post that makes some awesome questions brew within me. Bravo.
Lindsay! I know exactly what you mean! I was in the grocery store and someone came up to me and commented on one of my posts. I started blushing! There are times I keep thinking about the readers and other times I can imagine everyone is a stranger.
I relate to everything about this post (including the love of cabernets and Whitehall Lane and Napa and…and…and…)
Good for you for recognizing your own need for balance (in this crazy, imbalanced life). I, too, have had to reel myself in. To take a deep breath and remember what this is all for.
Joy? Love? Self-expression? None of that can be accomplished in a cloud of stress and judgment and worry.
So thanks for the reminder. And good luck on your journey. In moderation, that is.
And cheers to cabernet. Think I’ll pour myself a glass tonight…
Thank you Julie! I felt that blogging about it would keep me honest.
I am embarrassed to admit that I didn’t find your blog until you tweeted. From my comment dashboard, it looked like just an amil address (although your link was there). I would have visited sooner!
Hello There, JUst stumbled on your blog via Martha Points. I can totally relate to over-achiever, competitiveness and working mother statuses. Glad to finally meet one of my kind in the blogging world. Will be subscribing. And it looks like you guys had fun from all the convos about Napa and the wine tasting 🙂
Blessing
info@workingmomjournal.com
workingmomjournal.com
Just visitied your blog and you put me back on the right path tonight. I subscribed to you too!
I just got home from my own local polygamist same sex date: most of them either trying to eek a some money from the blogosphere or wanting to do so.
I began blogging for three reasons: to record memories of what my children do because Mommy Brain will make me forget, to pass on the stories to my family who live so far away, and for me – because if I didn’t have a creative outlet that used my brain on a daily basis, my few remaining brain cells would be lost forever to the Mommyhood of dirty diapers, “you shouldn’t sit on your sister’s head,” and unless piles of laundry.
Then I got caught up in blog stats within a few weeks of moving to WordPress. A few non-family members started reading my blog and my thought process changed: Did they like what I wrote? Maybe I shouldn’t to a boring update just for family anymore – what if that turned off my new readers? Someone unsubscribed from my blog (I later found out it was only the daily emails they changed) and I was hurt.
How had this happened?
I like to think that, months later, I have found a balance. I write for me still, but I try to challenge my writing skills in the process – thus (hopefully) entertaining my readers as well.
I’ve stopped worrying if it isn’t a funny blog, or is a random rant from something irritating me at the moment – I just write.
My biggest issue is my husband reads my blog and I have nowhere to vent about him on the rare occasions I feel the urge to hurl him across the room (if such a feat were possible).
Someday I would love to actually make money writing – it has always been a dream of mine. Whether it’s via blogging or writing a book, as long as I enjoy the process (minus the occasional beating of my head against a wall), I’m going to stick to it.
I love both the journey and the destination of writing (except for that pesky writer’s block part). I love the creating, the tweaking, finding the perfect blend of words to describe a situation. I love the destination: reading comments and finding others who have gone through or shared similar rough patches. Even re-reading a post that is several months old and rediscovering a moment in time already erased from my swiss cheesed mommy brain.
Now if only I had more time…..
Great post, Paige.
Kelly, somehow I missed replying to this yesterday – apologies. It’s nice to know others share my struggles and that unsubscribing feeling is painful. I have wanted to unsubscribe to a few blogs and couldn’t do that to another writer with a heart so I leave it.
I too wish I could vent about my husband, although he is a pretty good guy. He wasn’t thrilled with me telling “the world” about him freezing on the escalator.
I need to be better about capturing memories on my blog, for me. I have very bad cheese brain. 😉
OK, I mised this post along the way and it is so brilliant because you captured what most of us feel. As everything else, I think it got harder for you when you got Freshly Pressed, because it gave your more readership and bumped up your game. Once I got published, instead of feeling happy for the rest of my life like I thought I would, I only felt more pressure to get published again and do better. Such is life. You are going in the right direction because you know exactly who you are and I think you are always trying to balance yourself. For me, I care a lot about my stats and try hard to get the number up BUT I only give myself a blog goal of once a week, and I try to make sure the blog counts. And it’s for me. If people like it, I am happy but if people don’t, like my writing, I cannot control it. I can only control I am happy with what I write. Write from your heart and people will come. That is what I whisper to myself!
On another note, I am VERY jealous. I live in NY and have always dreamed of travelling to Napa. Not only did you get to have wine in Napa, but you got to drink it with your blogging friends. Coolest polygamist same sex date ever!!!!!!
Jennifer – You’ll have to join us some time in Napa! I guess blogging is like everything else: the more we get, the more we want. I can only dream of being published (I guess I would have to write something first…) but I see what you mean about wanting biigger and better. That’s great that you keep your goals right for you!
Ooh..I feel so naughty now!
Had not gotten back to read this post yet. How silly of me.
You articulate much of what I felt in the first few months. Of COURSE I can be a World Famous Blogger…I mean, geez…look at me!
Ok, and now kindly get your ass up off the floor and quit your giggling.
But I think you are wise – so few will ever reach that level, and getting there is much much much harder work than anyone would ever tell you.
You are so gifted with words, and your humor comes out so brilliantly in your posts. If you can find celebration of the incredible thing that is you in them, then that is the best gift. Finding friendship and a community, the next best gift. And…if you make it to the Show and start rakin’ in the bucks…well, damn, baby we will be proud to say “Knew you when…”
So shake that money-maker, sexy. (Your WORDS, I mean. Get your mind out of the gutter!)
Also…how did I miss you on Freshly Pressed? Crap.
The “Featured on Freshly Pressed” badge on my blog is of my own making, and I totally give you permission to swipe it if you are so inclined.
Lori – I am so behind, I am just now getting to these comments. Being compeittive, I’ll never be able to be solely focused on the enjoyment of it, I will always have one eye on stats and “what if” running through my head, but I really do feel more grounded about it. The downfall to that is I won’t stay up late at night to get up a daily post or get to my comments, but I get to when life permits, because I am all about balance. Sometimes. Okay, every once in a while. But I will always blog and already think I have gotten so much out of it! Yes, I do think you could be world famous – remember the little people. I will totally swipe your badge!