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10 Signs You Might Be Crazy
I have never claimed to be balanced. I never pretend to have it all figured out. I admit that I am usually barely treading wine. But through personal experience observation I have devised a checklist to determine if one is truly nuts…
- You think you can finally get caught up on your to-do list
with one really productive dayever. - You contemplate a puppy, another baby, a new car and a planning a vacation on the same day.
- You can’t find your cell phone, so you ask a friend to call you. When you hear it ringing on your person, you ask the friend to hold their ear to your body to help figure out which pocket you put your phone in.
- You think that new Justin Bieber movie would be good for date night.
- You use your mom voice when talking to yourself.
- When you can’t find a sitter you convince yourself that the kids would be angels if you take them with you wine tasting.
- You ask your husband to get a vasectomy and hold on to baby gear just in case.
- You think the bright side of canceling a dinner date with your husband is that you get to clean behind the refrigerator.
- You think that your 6-year-old and 3-year-old are now mature enough to accompany you clothes shopping without causing a dismembered mannequin.
- You are planning to give up all alcohol and all sweets for Lent.
If you have experienced any of the above, pour yourself a glass of wine (or beer or chocolate milk) and join me at the Funny Farm.
Disclaimer: I am not a psychologist, tarot card reader, bartender or other professional. This post is for entertainment only and should not be used to treat a mental health condition or ridicule its writer. If you think you might really be crazy, seek professional help, then give them my address.
Checking Into the Betty Crocker Clinic
My name is Paige and I am an addict. I have alluded to it before, but I have a problem with sweets. It is time for an intervention, so I am checking myself into the Betty Crocker Clinic.
What?! There is not a Betty Crocker Clinic?! It’s the Betty Ford Clinic and it’s not for sweets?
Yeah, I like alcohol too, but not as much as sweets.
Now what I do…
Addiction… intervention… 12 steps…
Brilliant! Here are the official 12 steps and my commentary.
- We admitted we were powerless over
alcoholsweets—that our lives had become unmanageable. Um, yeah, check. We have to bake extra cupcakes to ensure there are enough for my kids’ schools because my cravings come first. - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Agreed, that Power is butter, sugar and cocoa – all made by God.
- Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. Totally happy to turn my will and life over to God, what kind of oven does He have? Does He use a hand mixer or a whisk?
- Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Which led to the discovery that I was out of butter.
- Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. I am telling all of you.
- Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. Can He remove the fat from cupcakes too?
- Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. As long as He doesn’t remove the shortening.
- Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. Does this include making amends for stealing my kids Halloween candy? I am not sure I am ready for that…
- Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. If I have to hand over the chocolate, somebody might get hurt.
- Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. I think inventory is essential, if I am wrong, how will I make cookies?
- Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. There’s a dessert called Heavenly Bars, I think that if I eat those while praying, my contact with God should be rock solid.
- Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to
alcoholicssweets-aholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. The bakery kicked me out when I tried to spread the good word.
Wow, I think that was totally helpful. Maybe I don’t need the Betty Crocker Clinic.
But if I did, what would it be like…
If I built it, would you come?
Hello Temptation
Being a “Prefectionist”
This sums it up:
"It says on your resume that you're a prefectionist."
3 Signs I am Drowning and How I Fixed It
I am still treading wine, but drowning more than drinking. I just returned from two back to back business trips. I realize many people travel every week for work, across countries and continents – they’re amazing, I am not. I am tired and my body hurts from lugging my ginormous (technical term) laptop all over the place in heels. I was ready to spend some time at home and get back to normal, then my old pal Murphy (as in Murphy’s Law) showed up…
My little diva has been sick for the past couple of days with a 103.5 fever and sleep disrupting killing cough. I have tried to catch up on work and home life while “functioning” on 2 hours of sleep over two days. (Why was this so much easier when the kids were babies??? Don’t say I am getting old – I am fragile and can’t take that right now!)
Here are the signs that things were slipping in my world:
- There was soy sauce and wine on the table, I meant to put soy sauce on my brown rice…
- I put a carton of milk in the dryer – of course I didn’t turn it on (because my husband walked up)
- I lost my son’s homework, my daughter’s valentine’s and my… (I can’t even remember the other thing!) all in one day! They were all found, including the thing I don’t remember losing, by somebody else.
There are plenty more examples, like my inability to string a sentence together to save my life, but I think you get the drift. I have hit the proverbial wall and it is not made of cheese, chocolate or wine corks.
I told my friend this morning, “I just need to get organized and catch up on everything and I will be fine”. This sent her into hysterical laughter. I am pretty sure my friends only keep me around for the entertainment value. She gently reminded me that being “caught up” might be too ambitious and I would miss all the fun in the meantime.
So guess what I did?
At 12:05 I was sitting in my home office, in my pajamas, unshowered and decided to meet a friend for lunch. This gal is rarely in town and was 10 minutes from my house. I looked at my work email, my to-do listsssss (did you catch the emphasis on the plural lists) and walked away. I set a new record for fastest shower and walked out the door at 12:10. mostly clean, no make-up and a big smile.
I have to tell you a spontaneous lunch out is incredibly therapeutic. The to-do listssss continue to grow, but I am no longer drowning, because really, what is more important – expense reports or lunch with a great friend?
I knew you’d agree.
How do you keep your head above water?
I looked nothing like this at lunch today, but I was happy.
Tribute to My Corkscrew
Hula Hoop Workout
I have shared with you that on New Years Eve I demonstrated my maturity by consuming some adult beverages and showing off my hula-hooping skills. But Dr. Oz has validated me! Last week he featured a segment on the hula hoop workout. Do you know what this means?!
- I am at the front of a fitness trend, I was hula hopping before Dr. Oz!
- I can multi-task: I was celebrating New Years and exercising.
- You can exercise and drink at the same time! This falls in line with my 5K selection criteria!
- If you hula-hoop while drinking, the calories won’t count.
- I am not a dork, I am a fitness guru.
- I have found a form of exercise I can do while dressed up, as suggested by the pictures below.
Thank you Dr. Oz for confirming what I have been trying to share with people. Hula-hooping is good for you!
How do you have fun while exercising?
Is it sad that I could provide two different pictures of me actually hula-hooping as an adult???
But Officer, She’s Only Three…
“I’m sorry, what?!”
“You’re kidding!”
“We have young kids playing upstairs, but everything is fine”
“No, the sheriff won’t be necessary. We apologize for the inconvenience.”
He hung up the phone, broke into laughter, looked at me and said, “your girl called the cops.” Now, our host is a kidder and loves my daughter, but will show that love through playfully giving her hard time. “Bullsh*t,” I claimed, “she doesn’t know how to dial 911. So unless you have one of those speed dial 911 buttons, I know you’re full of it.” I explained.
“I’m not kidding. She talked to them and hung up. They called back and I let them know the sheriff wasn’t necessary.”
He was laughing so I thought he was kidding until the sheriff walked up to the door.
Fortunately, the sheriff had kids and the whole matter was cleared up quickly. What went down that night is an absolute prediction of the future:
My son was the brains of the operation. He knew how to dial 911. He picked up what he thought was a fake phone and dialed. When he realized the phone was real, he knew it was trouble, so he found himself a patsy, his three-year-old sister. My little diva loves the drama and jumped at the chance to play the damsel in distress and also had absolutely no concern for the consequences. When she got caught, she wasn’t crying for fear of spending a life in stripes, she was pissed that we failed to see her star talent and ended her performance. But my girl is quick on her feet, she switched to the victim. She pleaded in a shaky voice, “Mommy, I want to go home. I am so tired. Please put me in the car RIGHT NOW,” in between her tears. She will be a Hollywood star.
My son the diplomatic boy scout admitted he made the call, explained it wasn’t his fault since he thought the phone (that had a cord connected to it and dial tone) was fake. He also quickly pointed out that he did not talk to the police. Yep, my son will come up with some great ideas, that he will have someone else execute. He is destined for management and with his parents’ OCD and strong opinions, likely the CEO.
Thank you to the sheriff for his quick response and better preparing me for the future!
My daughter's costume for a future starring role.
I Beat Murphy’s Law… For Now
Do you ever feel like:
- Murphy (as in Murphy’s Law) is a big mean guy swinging a heavy bat – usually at your face or gut?
- The moment you get off the rollercoaster of life, you step onto a merry-go-round?
- Just when you get on a good healthy eating and fitness kick, you get sick, injured or somebody sends you a box of chocolates?
- You can have a quiet work week and then everything hits on Friday?
- Nobody drops by unannounced when your home is immaculate and you are put together, but your new neighbor drops by the day you forego getting dressed to re-organize and deep clean your house.
- The simplest of mistakes can have the biggest impact?
- You forget the one thing at the grocery store that has no substitute?
- Your kids only sleep in when you’re already awake?
- The movie you’ve been dying to see was on TV the previous night?
- The 50% off Border coupon expired yesterday?
I had a week like this. But you know what? That Murphy guy is nothing but a bully. I turned on him, stole his bat and beat his ironic ass – we say bottom in this house- into the ground. I have been in pajamas (figuratively and literally) all week, just trying to survive. But now, the sun is shining, I have taken a full shower (with a razor and everything) and am re-claiming my happy life!
They say that what goes up must come down. But what comes down and breaks, can be fixed with superglue and a martini!
What are your brushes with Murphy’s Law? How do you bounce back?
How To Choose a Superbowl 5K
My friend and I have decided to do a few races this year and think about training for a half-marathon. I am trying to get rid of the 12 pounds of Christmas. And we’re both trying to get back to a place where we can eat and drink without guilt.
Our first race is going to be Superbowl Sunday. We had two races to choose from. Here is our decision-making process utilizing my scientific, health-focused, methodology:
Me: “Okay there’s one 10 minutes from you and one 10 minutes from me. Which one should we do?”
Her: “Didn’t you say the one by me had tailgate food afterwards?”
Me: “Ooh, yes, good point. Tailgate food afterwards is a must. Okay, I checked they both have tailgate food afterwards and beer. Maybe we should look at elevations. I don’t do hills.”
Her: “Oh yeah, flatter is better.”
Me: “Okay, they both look about the same for elevation. But the one by you does football jersey style shirts and the one by me does Hanes Beefy Tees – ugh.”
Her: “Oh, the beefy tees, always attractive. What’s the cost of each?”
Me: “Ding, ding, we have a winner. The one by you is $60, the one by me is $25.”
After emailing some other friends with our decision, a wise girl pointed out there is a great dive bar by the cheaper race too.
In summary:
- Post race food and beer
- Flat course
- Cheap fees
- Dive bar
We are true athletes!
12 Steps to a “Mature” New Years Eve
I am recovering from my exhibition of class and maturity. Here are the twelve steps for a mature and dignified New Years Eve celebration:
- Get a babysitter. I am a responsible parent. Usually…
- Dress up – we looked classy and mature
- Go to a burger joint – we were overdressed, but the food is yummy
- Play college drinking games like Circle of Death (our rules are slightly different, but you get the idea)
- Pull the fourth king (yep, lucky me) and pound a cup of champagne, Chambord, Jack Daniels and Diet Coke. Ugh!
- Have a hula-hooping contest. No, I am not kidding.
- Liberate the kids superhero masks and take pictures.
- Decide the anonymity of the masks is perfect for toilet-papering and choose a
victimlucky recipient. Our choices were the family who just had a baby and bought a new car or the couple who left our soiree early. (We only attack people we know. It’s a sign of friendship.) We chose the neighbors who left early. That’ll teach ’em… - Convince the sober driver (yes, we had one) our idea was a good one.
- Go to my house to steal toilet paper. I snuck in thru the garage so as not to
wakethe kidstip off my husband who had left the party fifteen minutes earlier and had told me not to go TP’ing…). - Toilet paper the neighbor’s house while wearing superhero masks and take pictures.
- Regret our decisions this morning when it was pouring down rain…
Needless, to say, I had to make an apology call today, after getting up with the kids at 7:00 am.
I know what you’re thinking. You think that I make this stuff up, that I couldn’t really be this immature.
Think again.
Happy New Years!
Would you like to be my neighbor?
Pay It Forward
Slightly Off-Balance 