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Maui, Poop and Hookers
We have just returned home from ten glorious days in Maui. Okay, we got home Saturday, but it took some time to adjust to reality. I had planned on writing and blogging from Maui, but I was too busy living and enjoying. I am so far behind on the novel challenge that I may have to abandon it and I am ok with that. Ten days of truly enjoying my family provided me joy and memories that I can’t catch up on later. I can catch up on writing when the time is right.
You may already be saying to yourself, this is not the Paige we know. She didn’t push to get everything done, she didn’t stress over what she wasn’t accomplishing. With fruity drinks, gorgeous sunsets and no work, I think even the craziest of moms can find a little balance. It was a wonderful, relaxing vacation where I had the opportunity to play with my kids and enjoy time with my husband. There is no greater gift or sense of accomplishment.
Telling you all about my vacation would be just bragging and possibly painful if you would rather be in Maui than reading this. When you are on vacation or have returned from vacation the Golden Rule is reversed: ‘If you can’t say something mean, don’t say anything at all’. This prevents taunting others with your fabulous life. This rules keeps my friendship with some of my friends going. When Sarah called me in Hawaii to see how it was going, I could hear her kids screaming in the background as she tried to do laundry and make dinner. I was smart and kind enough not to tell her I was sitting in a lounge chair with a cocktail and my kids were frolicking in the pool while I watched the waves crash. Who wants to hear that when they are stuck in normal household hell. I simply replied, “It’s nice, and a bit overcast”. She giggled and thanked me for my discretion. In the spirit of the reverse golden rule, I will stick to the unusual “highlights”.
Our first dinner: We had planned to have a lovely dinner on our first night in Hawaii to celebrate our arrival. But after starting our travel day at 3:30 in the morning, then taking the kids swimming, our craving for dinner became a craving for sleep. Our dinner of Ritz Bits and POG (pineapple orange guava) juice never tasted so good before our seven o’clock bedtime!
Avoiding the Pool Closure: My three-year old is potty-trained. We have a pool at home and never have had an issue with accidents in the pool. Within 20 minutes of our arrival at our timeshare, she limped down the stairs of the kids pool, holding her bottom. I thought she was hurt, but when I asked if she was ok, she said “Mom, I have to poop NOW!” I realized she was holding in what had already happened and raced her to our room (thank goodness for a first floor room). I narrowly avoided being the mom whose kid caused a six-hour pool closure.
Closing The Door on the Kids: The first three nights my husband, my two kids and I shared one hotel room. We tried to make the kids share one of the double beds, but listening to them fight over who kicked who did not work out so well. The lesser of two evils was to have one of them sleep with each of us. My son snores and grinds his teeth and my daughter kicks like a lunatic. So my husband and I traded off, one night I had physical pain, the next would be audio torture. But once we moved to our time share, we were able to put them both on the pull out sofa and close the door. They still kicked, whined and snored, but we didn’t hear it. Ah bliss!
Escaping the Stinky Runner: Several mornings I ran from our timeshare to Whaler’s Village and back. It’s three miles roundtrip. About a mile in to my run, a very fit female runner got on the path just in front of me. As I was running behind her, I noticed the most awful smell. It didn’t go away. I came to the conclusion that she was crop-dusting me. If you don’t know what that is, let me give you a lesson full of class – crop-dusting is when you are trying to get rid of some gas without getting caught by those around you so you keep moving. I figured it couldn’t last too long, but after another two tenths of a mile, I decided this was not what paradise should smell like and I turned around and went the other way.
A New Friend: My husband and I did three dinners without the kids. On one of our date nights we went to a very kid UN-friendly restaurant in Kapalua. We were sitting on a deck watching the sunset over cocktails. A stunning brunette asked us to take her picture, explaining it was her birthday. She was by herself (kind of weird on her birthday, don’t you think?). She twice struck up odd conversation with us that we politely closed. At one point the waiter walked by and gave her a funny look. She quickly excused herself. As she walked away, my husband and I looked at each other and said “Hooker”. About forty-five minutes later she found herself a “client”. I thought I was the only one who worked on my birthday.
Hawaii was amazing and filled with just enough humor, odd smells and interesting people. What is your idea of paradise? What are the unusual highlights of vacations you have taken?
Happy, balanced family!
Design Your Own Funny Farm
I recently sent a friend to the funny farm. A few of us have been teasing her about holiday decorations and we finally pushed her too far, she has jokingly checked herself into a virtual, “special resort” with pink pills, fruity drinks and no stress. She is practicing her fetal position and listening to soft music. Her imaginary funny farm got me to thinking… (I know, it happens once in a while, whether I meant to or not)…
If I could design a place to “check out” and regain some sanity, what would it look like?
The Slightly Off-Balance Center for Balance
Located lake side, this sprawling resort will instill balance, joy and laughter. Check-in and stay as long you’d like, we won’t tell your family you’re here. Amenities include:
- Personal bungalows with lake views, waterfalls, personal wet bars and wine cellars, light blocking window treatments (for sleeping when you’d like, as long as you’d like) and a staff of 5 for each bungalow:
- Cleaning lady – she picks up to, no cleaning before she arrives
- Chef (she can also mix drinks)
- Hair and make-up artist (should you want to socialize)
- Massage therapist – they also give mani/pedis
- Pictures of your children are welcome and there is a designated area to interact with them should you choose, but there is no guilt if you just watch your kids through the two-sided mirror or don’t watch at all.
- Spouses are welcome by invitation only and you can re-send their invitation at anytime. Spouses are brought up blind-folded so they cannot find this place on their own.
- There is a large pool, staffed to ensure you’re never hungry or sober, I mean thirsty.
- An intensive therapy area for new inductees where people play with your hair, pat your back and tell you you’re amazing. Intravenous chocolate is also available.
Activities include:
- Yoga – but only the stretchy feel good poses, no stand on one leg and feel your heart race nonsense
- Chocolate and chick flicks – this will soon be an olympic sport, so I have been training.
- Spa days – 24 hours per day, seven days per week on demand
- Wine Tasting or cocktail pounding – there is no judgement here
- Book Clubs – we’ll read to you and there are no deadlines
You will note the absence of a personal trainer – this is not a fat farm. Through the miracles of modern science, fat and unnecessary calories have been removed from our food and beverage, but you won’t taste the difference. Should you enjoy exercise, there are beautiful trails and a gym, but nobody cares if you go. This same science that removes fat and calories, ensures no hangovers from too much enjoyment of the pool bar.
Tell me about your dream funny farm. But beware, if you build it, I will come and stay a very long time!
Ahhh... Utopia
Parents Need a Break… from Themselves
As parents, we are under a lot of pressure. We want to raise our kids well and be great at all things we do. We push ourselves for silly perfection and are our own worst critics. Why is that when a friend calls me with a bad day or a stranger tweets that she sucks at being a mom, I have sympathy and words of encouragement, but I tell myself to pull it together and stop whining?!
Parenting is tough, it is one of the most rewarding, exhausting roles a person can engage in. It is a lifetime commitment that we cannot execute perfectly everyday. There will be the days we lose our tempers, ignore the requests of our children and be cranky to those around us, but then we pull it together and make the next day better (or next week, or next month…). We need to be accountable, but not overly self-critical. We need to accept that we get exhausted, overwhelmed, frustrated, maybe even lost. But we need to focus on loving our miraculous children AND ourselves.
I am not a psychologist – I’ll give you a moment to recover from the shock… I merely know how hard I push myself and I watch my friends do the same. I know that I hold myself to a higher standard than I hold others, not because I think I am capable of more, but because I undervalue my own contributions compared to others. So if I give myself a little slack, will you do the same?
How will you give yourself a break?
Give yourself a hug
5 Types of Over-Balanced Moms
You know what I am talking about, the too perfect and know-it-all moms…
I know what you’re going to say: “But Paige, you preach that every mother should be valued and not judged”. Correction – real people should be valued, but I choose to mock stereotypes all I want! And as for why I have decided to call them “over-balanced” ? Well everybody knows that too much of a good thing will make you sick! So to make the rest of us real mom’s feel better here we go…
- Too-Perfect-Mom: Nothing ever falls out of her car when she drops the kids off at school. She attends every event and brings homemade baked goods for all occasions. She’s never late and never looks like she just rolled out of bed. You have never seen her raise her voice to her angelic children and when you describe your chaotic day, she just gives you a sympathetic smile. She is NOT in the running for Mother of the Year! (But you could be if you submit…)
- Fashionista Mom: Always perfectly coiffed, trendy and never stained. Whether it’s early morning drop-off or coming from the gym, she never looks frumpy or disheveled. We all have our good days, but she’s never had a bad one.
- Know-It-All-Mom: She is an authority on everything. She tells you what you’re doing wrong as a parent (and possibly everything else) and how to correct it.
- Age Defying Mom – She has given birth to four kids and looks like she is 18. Perfectly toned, perky boobs, no wrinkles and she eats pizza and cupcakes at every party. The only consolation is imagining she has a plastic surgeon on speed dial, but alas, you’re sure she just has good genes.
- Overly-Talented-Mom: She’s athletic, a fabulous cook, crafty and decorated her model home. She sews all of her children’s darling clothes and made a breathtaking mission out of dried pasta and baking soda for her child’s school project. Everything she does is flawless and fabulous. I have a friend like this, but she’s crazy, so I still love her.
In revolt of over-balance, I present you with Paige:
- I am mildly athletic, if you count that I don’t usually trip when I walk.
- When I cook dinner, my husband tells me to focus on the main course and he’ll handle the rest
- The only thing I’ve made with my glue gun is a mess
- I forgot my daughter’s snack day at preschool… EVERY TIME FOR THE WHOLE YEAR! (sorry Miss Jill!)
- My best clothes are Target sales rack and my nanny has had to intervene when I tried to leave the house in a pathetic state
- I have a small fortune worth of half-empty water bottles floating around my car
- When I am on my “A” game, I close my windows before I yell
- The only thing I consider myself an expert on is being a crazy, off-balance mommy
Are you over-balanced? If so, what’s the secret? Prozac and wine??
If you’re off-balanced, like me? What’s your shining moment? I can hear what you’re thinking, that’s a funny one, you should enter my Mom of the Year Contest.
I'm no June Cleaver...
Working Moms Raise Their Kids Too
“I thought about going back to work too, but I didn’t want someone else raising my kids.”
This is what a very sweet, well-meaning, mother said to me this morning at my daughter’s gymnastics class. I wanted to respond with something like, “Yep, I wanted to have children for the picture frames and then send them off and check in with them on holidays”, but this mom was very nice and she meant well, so I smiled and said, “Yep, it’s a balance”.
Our nanny usually takes my daughter to the class since I work, but today, I took her and was given the once over and “Oh you must be her mom…”. Yes, my daughter has a mother. No, the nanny doesn’t leave her with a pack of female wolves at the end of the day.
As I see it, I do raise my children. Yes, there are 7 hours of preschool and 33 hours of a nanny per week, but otherwise, the buck stops here. The preschool is one I picked based on my personal beliefs on what is most important at this age. I interviewed 7 preschools before choosing this one. I provide direction for our nanny. I set the parameters for discipline and I set the tone for how they are cared for. In other words, I work AND I raise my children. I have people who help me, just as we have teachers who help instruct our children. But I ensure my daughter is raised as the demanding, hilarious diva I had hoped for and I am diligent in raising a control-freak, OCD son who will likely be CEO of a major corporation someday (how else will I retire?). And before I step off my soapbox, here is some evidence that my children are a product of my influence:
- My son will not leave his room if a drawer is open and he cannot sleep if the closet door isn’t closed
- My daughter likes to dance in her underwear on a chair
- My son will correct you if you’re doing it wrong
- My daughter will not stay in her room for time out “Nobody puts Baby in a corner”
- My son will stick up for the picked on kid at school
- My daughter has a snuggling addiction
- My son likes to know the rules
- My daughter likes to break the rules
- My son is super-competitive
- My daughter cheats to win
OMG, wait, I take it all back! I work full-time, who the hell raised these kids?!
I did, I do and I am proud of the results. All parents raise their kids, we just employ different methods of doing it.
What’s the biggest impact you have made on your kids or your parents have made on you?
Why Are Other People’s Kids So Cute?
I adore my children, but do not plan to have any more. There are several reasons we are stopping at two. The biggest reason is our sanity. My husband and I are both type A, OCD ridden individuals who need order and structure to survive. Any more kids would take what little shred of balance we have left and flush it down the toilet with the Legos and Silly Bandz. We currently can play man-on-man defense and I am not skilled enough to switch to zone defense. As my cousin always tells me, “Two hands, two kids. If God wanted you to have more kids, he would have given you more hands.” I also have to believe that God would have given me more patience, a money tree and a faucet that spouts rum if he wanted me to have more kids. Let me be clear, I admire and envy large families. I am in awe of mothers who raise multiple children without losing them or their minds! I just don’t think our particular brand of crazy is conducive to a large family.
So why is that I couldn’t take my eyes off of the three-month old on the plane as I flew to my business meeting yesterday? He made me think back longingly to when my kids were babies. I even thought for a split second, maybe we should have one more… Then I pictured my husband as a cartoon character – his head twisting around on his neck, his eyes spinning around in his head and his arms flailing in the air (yes, my mind is bizarre). That mental image reminded me that two careers and two kids is more than we can handle already.
Why do kids seem so appealing when I am away from mine? Because they are NOT MINE! I don’t have to deal with their tantrums or chase them through the terminal. I can enjoy their smiles and turn up my i-pod when they scream. I miss my kids so much when I travel that I think I romanticize them and parenting in general. I sit on my plane rides home picturing my return to my little angels. They are immaculately clean, sitting at the table, reading books when I arrive. They get up, run to hug and kiss me and then tell me all about their days and then we frolic in the sunshine… Whoa… I think I have jet lag. My homecomings usually go more like this – my daughter rushes up to me and says, “I missed you sooo much, what did you bring me?”. My son, looks up from his Wii, says, “Hey Mom” and doesn’t rush towards me until he hears his sister getting her “working mommy guilt gift”.
Other people’s’ kids are cute because they don’t deprive me of sleep and following me into the bathroom. But my kids are cuter (my blog, my judgment call) because they tell me they love me more than chocolate, remind me to wear my seatbelt on the airplane and share their dessert with me. I don’t want more kids because I already have more than I ever could have wished for.
Me with more than 2 kids!
There’s Very Little Grass in the Working Mom Pasture
Yesterday, my witty friend Sarah shared with us 10 reasons why the grass is not greener being a Stay At Home Mom. For those who know Sarah, she is a great mom and certainly has the skills and abilities to go back to work, but she has made a commitment to her family and she’s happy with her decision… most of the time.
So now it’s my turn. Here’s my top 10 on why moms (or dads – I think you are under-represented) should not flock to the office.
- Is this your mommy? When I am out with my children, people come up and act as if my children are with a stranger. “Are you her mom?” This is why my children and I wear nametags, it helps us and those around us.
- The inevitable party follow-up question? Unlike Sarah, when I tell people I have a full-time job, they naturally ask, “Well who cares for your children?”. So I am compelled to explain – “I leave them with a pack of wolves. But I am a responsible mother, so I only leave them with female wolves, they’re more nurturing”.
- Nobody thinks you can help Because I do not care for my children, the kids, and others, assume I have no domestic or child-rearing abilities. Okay, okay, I have very few domestic abilities, but I do know how to care for my children. I can wash a disposable diaper just like a pro.
- Keeping up with the SAHM’s I have never made my own baby food, sewn a Halloween costume or chaired a school fundraiser. (I am not sure I would do those things if I were a SAHM).
- Playdates Playdates are tougher for kids with working parents. Typically playdates start because two mothers who become friends get their kids together. Mothers of the other kids have a hard time be-friending my 21-year-old gorgeous nanny. (I can’t blame them, she wears heels to drive carpool – she intimidates me too.)
- Life plus work deadlines We still have to do homework with the kids, wash soccer uniforms, bake (I mean buy) sweets for bake sales, but then I also have to manage my team at work (aka my day-time parenting job), write presentations and go on business trips. Time is my most precious resource.
- Being MIA Weeks go by where I don’t see a girlfriend, because once work is done, then I need to focus on my kids. Girl time or alone time with my husband gets pushed down the priority list. By the time I have an opening on my calendar, my friends are tired from all the fun they had without me.
- I Am Not in the Running for Anything there’s no way to win mother of the year and since I try to balance being a mom as much as I can, I am not up for employee of the year either. I might win Juggling Lunatic of the Year though, as long as they don’t deduct points for what I drop.
Yes, I owe you two more, but I have a work deadline, no clean underwear and the kids need help with homework, so let me sum up 9 and 10 with my favorite comment of all time:
“Do you think your son is having a hard time because you travel so much?” Well no, but I think he would have a hard time if I didn’t get time away!
While being a working mom is tough, so is being a stay at home mom. We each have amazing days and horrible days. We each struggle with balance, we each want to do our best. The best thing we can do as mothers (and fathers) is support each other, regardless if we get a paycheck for our hard work or not.
The Grass is Not Greener in the Stay at Home Mom Pasture
As I have lamented the last few weeks about my job, I have also started to fantasize about being a stay at home mom (SAHM). To provide balance (or to stop my whining) my friend Sarah graciously put together the following for me (and I post it with her permission – little does she know the only payment she’ll receive is a glass of wine).
10 Reasons the Grass is not Greener in the Stay at Home Mom Pasture
Help I’m sick!! When I call in sick, nobody covers for me. No matter how sick I am, kids still need to get to school; lunches still need to be made. There is no daycare to drop them off at, no nanny to speak of, just me doing the same thing I do everyday with the exception of barfing ever 20 minutes.
The inevitable party question. “What do you do?” “I’m a stay at home mom”. Responses range anywhere from the cliché “wow isn’t that great” to blank stares of confusion. Insult to injury is when the response is followed by the droll discussion of things like how expensive diapers are and The Wiggles, as if those must be the only things I am interested in. My favorite follow-up to date is still “Do you do anything else??” NOPE! Just stay home and stare at the baby.
Only Mom Can Help. When you spend your day assisting in every menial task for your children from helping brush their teeth to tying shoes 3 or 4 times, your children develop a “only mom can help me” complex. My children will walk right past their dad sitting in the kitchen, through the entryway, up a flight of stairs, and into my bedroom to ask ME to open a fruit snack package for them…?
Fun Overkill. Yes it is possible to have too much fun. My husband and I are on completely opposite “fun” schedules. By the time my husband gets home I have been on mom duty for 9+ hours. I have played 25 hands of Go Fish, read 10 books, put together 3 puzzles and even pretended to be the fairy princess locked in the tower. (ok the princess was my idea and I actually locked myself in my room to make a quick 10 minute phone call.) However, understandably, my husband wants to spend time not only with the kids, but as a family. I want a chance to be a grown-up and a wife, my husband wants time to be a dad. “Let’s play soccer” “Come on mom!”……..I’m coming.
Divorce! The D word. Hate to think about it, but it happens. My fear as a SAHM is that if this does happen I will be an average aged, average looking, minivan driving no name with a 9 year gap in my resume. I picture my first job interview going something like this “no Mrs. SAHM we stopped running DOS 2.0 about 7 years ago.”
Quantity Does Not Equal Quality. Some people assume that because I spend MORE time with my kids it is better. That is NOT the case. More time just equals more time to screw them up. There were days when I thought my kids would be better off at day interacting with other children rather than at home with me watching me pay bills and vacuum.
Tomorrow. The curse word of the SAHM. Only you know the expectation that you set for yourself. Therefore what doesn’t happen today can always happen tomorrow, and no one is the wiser. Instructions are easy..when tomorrow comes…repeat.
Blizzards/ Tornados & Other Natural Disasters. Being in your home with any number of children 24 hours a day and trying to keep the house clean is impossible. It is like shoveling snow in a blizzard. I don’t even try anymore.
Fashionista. NOT! I used to be a decent dresser. Really. As I grew tired of washing Cheetos hand prints and baby poop/spit-up off nice clothes, I retired my nice things and adopted the SAHM “uniform”: Workout clothes and tennis shoes that rarely actually make it inside a gym. You know you have lost your inner fashionista when you put on a pair of jeans and a necklace and your kids ask you “why are you so fancy mommy?”
I Am Out the Running for Mother of the Year. No awards to polish around here. No plaques to cover my walls, no raises. You can work your fanny off at your “job” as a SAHM but no one is there to pat your back. I would like to say that your child’s smile is payment enough but let’s be honest, when’s the last time a smile bought you a purse? And a promotion?? The only time my husband uses the word promotion is when he wants sex, and by “promotion” he means another baby.
There are days I start to think, gosh it would be nice to have a job, one where I got to talk to people about politics or books without pictures, or dare I say an R rated movie. Then I realize that the grass in not greener, it’s just a different shade.
Thanks Sarah for the perspective! I’ll share the color of my pasture as a working mom tomorrow.
You Could Be A Smile Maker
I know so many people having a tough week and it is only Wednesday. I have friends who are sick, ending relationships, struggling financially, praying for a miracle, hoping for a baby, grieving over the death of a friend or just plain burned out. As I said, it’s been a tough week. Like the people in my thoughts, we all need a little extra TLC sometimes.
My week will feel better if I can brighten someone else’s day. So here’s a few of the people I think are amazing:
- If you’re one of those mentioned above you’re in my thoughts and prayers more than you know. I am humbled by your grace and perseverance.
- My children’s teachers and caregiver – you are like miracle grow mixed with pixie dust!
- My kids – you know when to not push me any further (dinner last night) and you back pedal with giggles, hugs and kisses.
- My husband – words cannot describe.
- My fellow bloggers and writers – I have never met most of you but you motivate me and inspire me.
- My friends – you keep me balanced, you’re there when I cry, you make me laugh and you don’t blackmail me.
- Those who spend their time helping others.
- Anyone who shows kindness to a stranger – this truly makes the world better.
So here’s your challenge – tell someone they’re amazing. Write it, say it, sing it, do an interpretive dance. Just make the week better by making someone else smile, I bet you’ll smile too.
I Choose
- I choose balance
- I choose to be kind to myself
- I choose to hold my tongue and not try to “set somebody else straight”
- I choose to look for the good in a day and the good in a person
- I choose to smile at strangers and sometimes even help them
- I choose to give an empathetic smile to a mom with a screaming child
- I choose to work and be a mom
- I choose to put my family first, usually
- I choose to parent like Child Protective Services is watching
- I choose to love
I don’t make these great choices everyday, but when I don’t, I choose to try again tomorrow.
What do you choose?
Pay It Forward
Slightly Off-Balance 
