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Pictures with Santa Fail
We are dashing through the snow our Christmas checklist of things to do with the kids during the holiday season. Yesterday we hung up the Christmas lights outside and last night was the night to go take pictures with Santa.
Pictures with Santa is not one of my favorite activities: the waiting, the screaming kids, the germs – and that is before we even leave the house! But, we have to pay our $20 for our 3 x 5 picture that proves we love our kids. But this year was going to be fun, we had a plan…
We had dinner with a few friends and then raced around dressing the kids so that people would think my children regularly wore ironed, button-down shirts and poofy dresses. I went to put on my daughter’s black tights and discovered I had brought footless leggings, so I pulled them down over her heels and shoved the ends into the toes of her black Mary Jane’s. “But mommy, this is not how they work,” exclaimed my exasperated daughter. “I know sweetie, but Mommy is silly and we don’t want you to look goofy (I almost said stupid and caught myself) in your picture.” I think the desperation in my voice and the rushing around of the other moms convinced my daughter to just go with it.
We packed the kids into the cars and headed off to see the big man. As we were driving there, one of my friends said, “I didn’t think to call to see what time the mall closes on a Sunday”. It was 5:55 pm so I knew we were safe, no self-respecting mall closed before 9:00 pm this close to Christmas.
We pulled into the mall, congratulating ourselves for deciding to go on a Sunday night since there were far fewer cars in the parking lot. We got the kids out of the car and somehow made it through the parking lot without losing anyone. The kids were running around like someone had given them a Santa size portion of cocoa and I figured letting them run a bit before hitting the picture line would help preserve my last holiday nerve.
We opened the door to the mall… wait, why is it not opening? They lock one of the doors? All the doors are locked? What the holly? What time does the fa la la la la mall close?!
6:00 pm.
My kids now have a picture in their Christmas finest in front of Coca-Cola machine – hey, at least it’s red and white!
Tell me about one your holiday mishaps. I’ll either learn from your mistake or repeat it on purpose.
Kids Christmas and Cocktail Pairings
I had an epiphany tonight – I am a sommelier! Just as a sommelier pairs the perfect wine with a great meal, I have the talent to match a cocktail to any kid Christmas event, well any event really, but let’s try to keep it seasonal people!
So here you go, the perfect holiday pairing list:
- Getting a Christmas Tree
- Straight Vodka (if you’re spouse is a perfectionist like mine)
- Decorating the Christmas Tree
- Hot Buttered Rum – you must get the seasonal stomach (aka gut) in training
- Putting up Christmas Lights
- Water – this was a test people! Roofs and liquor don’t mix
- Watching The Polar Express with the kids
- Bailey’s and Hot Cocoa – “Hot, hot, ooh we got it” (If this doesn’t make sense, you haven’t seen the movie, which means you’re getting coal in your stocking)
- Kids School Christmas Pageant
- Coffee and Peppermint Schnapps (people will think it’s coffee and gum)
- Christmas Date Night with Your Spouse
- Snow Job (this one is for you Pajama Girls!)
- Santa Run – Standing in the freezing a$% cold to watch firetrucks and Santa come through the neighborhood
- Brandy – in the name of survival
- Company Christmas Party
- White wine if you’re smart, Goldschlager if you’re looking for a severance package to bank roll your kids’ gifts
- Making a Gingerbread House
- Egg Nog – When else do you make a house out of cookies and candy? When else do you drink egg nog?
- Christmas Caroling
- Can’t help you here, you’d have to give me (or the people who would have to listen) the whole bar to get me to sing in public
- Kids’ Cookie Decorating Party
- Cranberry Margaritas – Kids, frosting and sprinkles, you may want just want a shot glass
- Girl’s Christmas Happy Hour
- Christmas Cosmos – Out of style? Maybe, but so are Christmas sweaters, and we’re rockin’ them!
- Neighborhood Cocktail Party – Adult’s Only
- This whole list. Times two.
- Christmas Brunch with Relatives
- Mimosa – It ony takes a splash of orange juice to look civilized
- Christmas Brunch with Friends
- Bellini’s – Fun, sophisticated and unique – just like my friends, well most of them…
- White Elephant Exchange
- White Russians – I don’t know why, I just think it sounds like a good idea. So it is.
- Christmas Dinner
- Wine – Prime Rib and Cabernet, yes please!
- Christmas Dinner with In-Laws
- Tequila – And that’s just Plan A…
- After Christmas Sales
- Bloody Marys – Kills the Christmas dinner hangover and gives you energy to shop
I hope this list gets you through the holidays. At anytime you may substitute any drink for hot cocoa and Bailey’s.
Okay, what event did I forget? What’s your favorite Christmas Cocktail recipe?
Lessons Learned from a Pajama Party
Last week I attended a pajama exchange party. Basically a bunch of women got together for wine, appetizers and a game of pajama exchange stealing. The evening was fun on so many levels. Our hostess has a beautiful home with perfect decorations, she had delicious appetizers and never-ending wine. (When will I learn that I always have one glass too many?) I only knew half of the fabulous women before arriving, but loved the other half I met enough to friend them on Facebook. I think this is rare. Usually, you meet new people, enjoy chatting with them and don’t give it another thought. I don’t know if it was the combination of wine and pajamas, but I am a fan of all of these gals.
AND, I went home with fabulous pajamas – deliciously soft light blue reindeer pants with a tank top that had a reindeer with a TIARA! These pajamas were clearly designed for me. Our hostess also gave us each a pair fo sexy underwear, which is great, because since becoming a mom, my underwear isn’t always sexy!
In addition to enjoying myself and drinking a tad more than I had planned, I also learned many valuable lessons. Unfortunately, some of them are too delicate to share on my blog, but think of women, wine and sleepwear and imagine the conversations! So here’s a few things I can pass on:
- Comfort is more coveted than sex appeal. All of the pajamas were beautiful, but some of the most fought over were the kind of thing you hate to take off even to wash!
- When you hope to prevent your gift from being stolen, stuff it in your bra!
- Not wearing underwear with a thick seamed pair of work-out pants might lead to pleasure… (note this is tamer than the lessons I can’t write about…) I should also say that one piece of advice in particular was so appreciated by my husband that he encouraged me to spend much more time with this group of women!
- Men mistake hot flashes for an invitation. Just because the pajamas come off doesn’t mean…
- Book clubs are not just for readers, some just come for the wine!
- As I have said before, women will come up with any excuse to get together and drink. (Hell, I have even met virtually with a group of writers while we tweeted and drank wine).
At this party we talked about putting together a book club that would meet at a nightclub (yes, really) and it got me to thinking, what other “reasons” could we come up with to get together, drink some wine and laugh like school girls?
This is where you come in! What ideas do you have for a female get togethers? I am looking for something that sounds like it’s legitimate (so that husbands don’t think twice about watching the kids) like a book club, but can be done over cocktails. I am also a fan of anything that fuels humor and over-sharing!
Laughing is good for the soul and alcohol is good for everything else!
Seven Deadly Sins Challenge – Wrath
Okay, we’re almost done with the Seven Deadly Sins Challenge, I am admittedly losing interest in the challenge so I am changing the rules. (My ADD hard at work) Instead of listing seven things that annoy me, I will just share one annoying story.
Last week I was coming out of the gym in the rain. I jumped in my SUV and was sitting in the car, in park, talking to my husband. A women attempted to pull in to the spot next to me, but she was on her cell phone. I have no issue with people who drive and talk on their cell phones, if they are capable of it. Clearly, this woman was not.
She pulled into the spot at such a bad angle I thought she was going to hit one or more cars, but she stopped in time. I assumed she would hang up her call to evaluate how to fix her botched parking job, but instead she threw her car in reverse and kept right on chatting. Her side mirror was approaching my side mirror fast. I told my husband, “Hang on babe, some bimbo is about to hit me”. This is of course sent him into a panic, but I assured him I was in no danger, other than losing my temper or laughing hysterically (I really couldn’t decide which way it was going to go.) Sure enough her mirror hit mine. She stopped, looked at the mirror, looked at me and DIDN’T HANG UP THE PHONE. She merely kept trying to straighten her car out. I am now relaying this story to my husband, trying to contain my laughter. She was still in motion and it was raining so I waited a second to roll down my window. She now was in forward again and heading back towards my mirror, I opened my window and pulled my mirror in quickly. I did this because a) I wanted to see if she had scratched it (she had not) and b) I didn’t want her to hit it again. When I moved the mirror, she waved and mouthed thank you while continuing her call. Really?!
I normally succumb to road rage but the whole situation was so silly, I couldn’t help but laugh. She then finished parking on her eighth attempt, jumped out of the care and ran inside. She did not make eye contact, attempt to apologize or even wave. I decided in the spirit of the holidays, I would just let it go, be a mature adult and bad-mouth her the rest of the day!
Was it annoying? Yes, but also funny. Did it lead to wrath? No, because my parents taught me to be kind to those less fortunate than me and based on her driving skills, she will have other bouts of bad luck!
Do you have any funny road rage stories? My friend recently rear-ended a guy who ended up asking her out on a date!
Tooth Fairies for Adults
A few weeks ago my son and his friend were wrestling and they bumped heads which resulted in my son’s first two loose teeth. While at the dentist yesterday, she “assisted” them in falling out. My son was so happy to lose his teeth and prepare for the tooth fairy. When he woke up this morning he had a letter and money from the tooth fairy and she left behind a little magic glitter. It got me to thinking, What kind of fairies would I want? What would I like to wake up to?
- Work Fairy – When I wake up in the morning, this little darling would have finished all the work I should have the night before.
- Clothing Fairy – I leave out my old, boring clothes and she replaces them with new, perfect fitting, ensembles.
- Cocktail Fairy – She ensures there are no hangovers from over-indulgence the night before.
- Sleep Fairy – She casts a protective bubble around me so I sleep without noise or light interruption. (She may have to use duct tape in the kids!)
- Exercise Fairy – She handles my workout before I get up. So I can move promptly to eating!
- Breakfast Fairy – She anticipates my cravings and whips up Eggs Benedict and biscuits and gravy – fat-free of course! 😉
- Cleaning Fairy – No description required.
- Errands Fairy – With errands off my list, balance is almost inevitable!
- Beauty Fairy – Goodbye wrinkles and blemishes!
What Fairies do you want?
Quotes for My Kids’ Weddings
One of may favorite bloggers Ironic Mom does Whiteboard Wednesday posts where she talks about something she has said to her kids that sounds bizarre when taken out of context. Reading her weekly quotes has made me more cognizant of things I say to my own children.
I realized tonight, not only is it fun to pay attention to these funny moments, but these quotes could be great embarrassment when each of my children get married. (Yes, I am THAT Mom). So today I am providing an entry for the list of quotes I will say at my daughter’s wedding.
My three-year old has developed this habit of torture where she poops at 9:00 every night. At 7:30, we take her to the bathroom, read her a book (or four) and put her to bed. After both kids are in bed, my husband and I try to catch up on work… or internet surfing. Inevitably, my daughter interrupts my productivity by getting out of bed and announcing she has to poop. It does not matter if she pooped at dinnertime, bedtime or both. My husband and I are convinced that she saves some poop to use as an excuse to get out of bed!
Last night was no different. As I was trying to work (aka party on Twitter) my daughter strolled into my room announcing she had to poop. My husband is already spared this interruption because his office is at the other end of the house (I am sure he planned that!). It is also because he recently said she was faking it and sent her to bed, only to discover she was telling the truth and was taking a long time because it was hurting. She didn’t have a bladder infection, but rather a minor irritation. But it did require me to do one those “only a parent job” of holding a wipe on her to soothe the stinging. When I did this she pee’d on my hand! I couldn’t get upset and simply washed my hand MULTIPLE TIMES! (This tangent is important, read on…)
Last night, my little diva sat on the potty for at least 15 minutes singing, talking to me or talking to her imaginary friends (she has almost as many as I do!). I finally go in the bathroom to try and hurry her up and she asks me to hold a wipe on her bottom so she can poop without it hurting. That’s when I am compelled to say:
“You can’t poop on my hand!
She may have had some discomfort pooping, but that is where I draw the line. She is going to need a higher paid ass butler for that task!
What weird things have you done for your kids? Or what thing have you said that would sound strange without (or even with!) context?
Remember, the more comments I get, the less off-balance I think I am…
She's laughing because she has an ass butler!
I Almost Stole a Car… Again
I really need to pull it together. I am on a business trip and when I landed I went to retrieve my rental car from Avis. I looked on the board, saw my name, P. Moran and headed for the parking space where my car was. I loaded all my stuff, got in, adjusted the mirror and prepared to start the car. I glanced up at the rental card, because since I have stolen a rental car once, I always double-check.
Stop – you know you’re curious about the first stolen car, go read it, I’ll wait here. Do you want me to hold your keys? If you’re in a hurry just read the part under fairy amusing.
Welcome back. So, I checked the card on the dashboard. Yep, P. Moran, that’s me. Wait, P. Moran, I am actually P. Morgan you silly people.
I thought it was strange that they spelled my name wrong since I have my whole profile saved in the system, so I flipped the card over – who the heck is Pam Moran?! Could they have really goofed my name up that badly? Since I already have a special mark next to my name in the Avis system as someone who grabs any car lying around, I thought it best to go back and check the board again. I take all my stuff out of the car and start walking back towards the Avis Podium. An Avis employee sees me walking back with my stuff. “Ma’am, is everything ok with the car?” (I wish he would have said Miss). “I think I may have almost gotten in the wrong car or you have some typos on my rental card,” I explain.
We look at the board and there is P. Moran and, what do you know, P. Morgan is right below it…
Make me feel better, share with me a blooper you have committed.
I am much more subtle...
Crazy Just Got Crazier
I talk about struggling for balance, for never having enough time in the day. I lament that I want to cut back at work and spend more time at home with the kids. So what is my genius solution? Enter a writing contest.
NaNoWriMo is a writing program where you write a novel in 30 days. 50,000 words in 30 days. 1,667 words per day. The goal is not have a finished product, but rather just to get ideas down. I am not supposed to edit, just write. Hmm, run my mouth without censoring, I can probably handle that.
You are entitled to skip straight to the comments and tell me that I am an idiot for signing up for this. But here’s the thing, writing gives me balance, it’s how I sort out emotions, diffuse anger and appreciate life. I have always dreamed of writing a book and a good friend suggested I turn my stories that I blog about into a semi-fiction book about being a crazy parent. So I am going for it. Will I have a finished product December 1st? No, but I’ll have a very rough draft. Very rough I said!
Occasionally I might share an excerpt here, both to get feedback and to not overwhelm myself with blogging and writing. So here we go, your first sneak peek (remember, just ideas, not a Pulitzer submission) of “Parenting Taught Me I Don’t Know Sh*t”. (I haven’t made the philosophical decision about swearing in my novel. I don’t swear on my blog, but I do swear in real life).
Okay, I am stalling, hear you go:
Pregnancy and Private Planes
A week into bed-rest my husband has to attend the wedding of a college buddy. It’s a 2 hour plane ride from home and he “has to go” because he is the best man. What about his best wife and best, going-to-be-born-at-any-moment baby?! After a few hormonal battles, I agree to let him go, like I ever had a choice??? My cousin, who has a two-year-old agrees to come stay with me since I am still on bed-rest which clearly means I need a baby-sitter! (I was also bored and thrilled for the company!)
I call my husband and… get f’ing voice mail! What?! He is supposed to have his cell phone on him at all times in case I need him. We had agreed he would only turn it off during the 20 minute ceremony! Fine, I leave a message and will call again in 21 minutes. 19 minutes later I call again – voice mail. I leave another message and wait. 10 minutes, 20 minutes, I am approaching hysteria!
My cousin tries to point out the obvious – I am not in labor, but all I can say is , “But what if I were?!” I leave another irate message about him not caring about me and the baby, and being an irresponsible father before he even has a baby. My husband will tell you I left 15+ similar messages, I say prove it! When he finally calls me back SIX HOURS LATER he is breathless, panicked and remorseful. “I am sorry babe, my phone battery died and no one else brought their phones into the wedding. I have been running around for hours trying to find a phone to call you. Is everything okay? I checked my voice mail and it said I had 15 messages, what happened?!”
As I listen to him talk, I realize the impossible – he is drunk! “Have you been drinking?! You promised me you wouldn’t drink in case you had to get home in a hurry! What were you thinking?” “Babe, listen. I have had a few drinks. It’s an open bar and I am the best man. When the father-of-the-bride handed us shots, it would have been rude to say no”. “Rude to say no!” I thunder, “Rude would be missing your baby’s birth because you’re too drunk to get home!” “Honey,” he says as if he’s talking to a tantruming two-year-old, “you’re not in labor, right?” “Well, no, but I could have been!”. He then tried to be the good guy, “Babe, I know it’s hard being on bed-rest, but if I needed to get home, I could take a cab to the airport and be on the next flight.” I can’t be pacified, “Well what if I needed you in the middle of the night and there were no flights?! Would you charter a private plane?” “Sweetie, the doctor said first babies are usually late and labor takes hours, even days, I am sure I would make it” “Well OUR baby is not most babies! Tell me you would charter a private plane if I needed you!” “Honey, a private plane is tens of thousands of dollars, get some rest and we’ll talk in the morning”. I will not be dissuaded, “TELL ME YOU WOULD CHARTER A PRIVATE PLANE!” “Honey, I promise I will get there for the birth of our child, I’ll see you tomorrow. I love you and our baby.” At this point, my cousin takes the phone, hands me some herbal tea and just smiles. She’s smart enough not to try to reason with crazy.
Of course, it’s fiction, who really acts like that? I did.
Design Your Own Funny Farm
I recently sent a friend to the funny farm. A few of us have been teasing her about holiday decorations and we finally pushed her too far, she has jokingly checked herself into a virtual, “special resort” with pink pills, fruity drinks and no stress. She is practicing her fetal position and listening to soft music. Her imaginary funny farm got me to thinking… (I know, it happens once in a while, whether I meant to or not)…
If I could design a place to “check out” and regain some sanity, what would it look like?
The Slightly Off-Balance Center for Balance
Located lake side, this sprawling resort will instill balance, joy and laughter. Check-in and stay as long you’d like, we won’t tell your family you’re here. Amenities include:
- Personal bungalows with lake views, waterfalls, personal wet bars and wine cellars, light blocking window treatments (for sleeping when you’d like, as long as you’d like) and a staff of 5 for each bungalow:
- Cleaning lady – she picks up to, no cleaning before she arrives
- Chef (she can also mix drinks)
- Hair and make-up artist (should you want to socialize)
- Massage therapist – they also give mani/pedis
- Pictures of your children are welcome and there is a designated area to interact with them should you choose, but there is no guilt if you just watch your kids through the two-sided mirror or don’t watch at all.
- Spouses are welcome by invitation only and you can re-send their invitation at anytime. Spouses are brought up blind-folded so they cannot find this place on their own.
- There is a large pool, staffed to ensure you’re never hungry or sober, I mean thirsty.
- An intensive therapy area for new inductees where people play with your hair, pat your back and tell you you’re amazing. Intravenous chocolate is also available.
Activities include:
- Yoga – but only the stretchy feel good poses, no stand on one leg and feel your heart race nonsense
- Chocolate and chick flicks – this will soon be an olympic sport, so I have been training.
- Spa days – 24 hours per day, seven days per week on demand
- Wine Tasting or cocktail pounding – there is no judgement here
- Book Clubs – we’ll read to you and there are no deadlines
You will note the absence of a personal trainer – this is not a fat farm. Through the miracles of modern science, fat and unnecessary calories have been removed from our food and beverage, but you won’t taste the difference. Should you enjoy exercise, there are beautiful trails and a gym, but nobody cares if you go. This same science that removes fat and calories, ensures no hangovers from too much enjoyment of the pool bar.
Tell me about your dream funny farm. But beware, if you build it, I will come and stay a very long time!
Ahhh... Utopia
Another Halloween Aftermath – Sticky Skeletons
Candy is not the only diabolical treat handed out on Halloween. My children also received little sticky rubber skeletons. They’re “great” – you can throw them at the wall and they stick for a few seconds before falling off. It was all fun and games until Mr. Skeleton was launched towards my vaulted ceiling…
My husband, the kids and I sat there waiting for Mr. Skeleton to come down. After a few minutes, a leg came off. I figured it was only a matter of time until the rest of him came down, or so we thought. When we realized he was making a permanent home on our entry way ceiling, it was time for drastic measures. We threw a whiffle ball, then a nerf ball, then a soccer ball. The soccer ball only smushed him harder to the ceiling. We then got out the “tool” we use to change the light bulbs in our vaulted ceiling. My husband proceeded to drag that along the ceiling, leaving little scrape marks, but still the pesky skeleton wouldn’t budge. He finally had to get out an extension ladder and climb up and pull the sticky little guy down.
I hope my HUSBAND learned a valuable lesson about throwing things at the ceiling. What, you thought it was my kids?
What things has your spouse done to make you think they are one of the kids?
I had to use the zoom lens for this one...
Pay It Forward
Slightly Off-Balance 