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The Difference Between Men and Women: Vacation
My husband left today for a guys’ house boating trip. I was thinking tonight about the stark difference between his boys’ weekend and a girls’ weekend with my friends. Allow me to compare:
- His trip: 3 days of house boating
- My trip: A weekend in Napa
- His luggage: a backpack and toothbrush
- My luggage: Rollerboard, large tote bag, make-up case and purse
- His shoes: Flip flops
- My shoes: 2 pairs of flip-flops, running shoes, 2 pairs of wedges and heels
- His activities: Skiing, wakeboarding, drinking
- My activities: Wine tasting, spa treatments, pool time, shopping, eating (yes for us, it qualifies as an activity) and drinking
- His time spent getting ready: 45 seconds to brush his teeth (which is optional)
- My time spent getting ready: 90 minutes if I hurry
- His conversations: boats, trucks, work
- My conversations: CENSORED
- His bedtime: 11:00 pm
- My bedtime: 2:00 am
- His cost: $150
- My cost: More than $150… no exact figures if I hope to do it again someday!
I hope he is having a wonderful time and knows that I am planning a girls trip as I write this!
His
Hers
The “Real” Me
I attended my daughter’s preschool back to school night this evening. This means, getting to know a new group of parents, some of which have their oldest in preschool. New parents always worry me because they may not have given up their ideals and sanity yet. They say admirable things like, “How do we know what our kids learned in school today so I can ask my child about it?” I respect this, but the easy way out is “what did you do, what did you learn and what was your favorite part”? They are still trying to do everything right (bless their hearts). I have to say, all of the moms I met seem very nice and down to earth, but time will tell who is as off-balanced as me. I have decided to show them the “real me” as early as possible in hopes of bringing them to the dark-side of reality parenting. Or maybe they are already there…
Last summer, there was an evening when I had too much to liquid fun and I was acting like a child. I was throwing food at my friends (trying to start a food fight, not out of malice) and generally acting silly. My husband was getting irritated with me (how could this be?!) . I turned to my group of friends and proclaimed, “This is the real me!”. I will never live that quote down, but I have also embraced it in many ways. Here’s more about the “real” me. Yes, it’s another list of confessions.
- I loathe the idea of owning a dog. My kids want one very badly and I am dead set against it. When I hear dog, I think hair, fleas, chewed up furniture, doggie breath and more responsibility. It is a threat to my precarious life balance. Don’t get me wrong, I like dogs – when they belong to other people! I am also not a huge fan of overnight dog guests, but have made exceptions for my dearest friends. (Devon – I am high-fiving you right now).
- I let my kids eat food they have dropped on the ground (there’s no dog to clean it up). Correction, I tell my kids they have to eat what they drop, because I am not giving them more. Now, this is only in my house, when the floors are reasonably clean, and maybe outside if it’s not too public of an area…
- I love the idea of playdates that involve cocktails. I NEVER drink when I am responsible for someone elses children AT ALL and I never have more than one if my husband is out-of-town. This is not a joke and if you drink while watching my kids, you will learn about mama bear. But, if you bring your little one over in the afternoon and you’re staying and want to have a beer with me, that is my kind of playdate!
- I am perfectly comfortable letting my children’s teachers be responsible for their learning. I will do all the homework and read to them, but frankly, I am exhausted at night and do not feel compelled to do extra credit as a mom. I am glad there are professionals to ensure my kids are brilliant.
- I recycle, but I drive a diesel SUV, do not compost, never made my own baby food, use disposable diapers and pull-ups and loved having drugs to ease the pain of labor.
- I bake the bread for church, but mostly to make up for how often I miss Mass (meaning mostly absent) and to see a friend who I never get to see unless it is baking time.
- I don’t like cold water so I spend more time watching my kids swim than swimming with them.
- I cannot do math. Period.
What’s the real you? You can tell me, I promise to use a fake name when I blog about it! 😉
Stolen Rental Cars and Naked Hotel Guests
I am currently on business travel. I got up at 4:00 am yesterday morning (don’t ask me how I feel about this) and was at my destination by 9:30 in the morning. I travel approximately once per month to the same location. My destination and itinerary have become familiar and I am typically on auto-pilot for the duration of the trip. Herein lies the problem – as I was driving from the airport to the office, I was on auto-pilot and almost took the wrong freeway. This reminded me of previous business trips mishaps that were more amusing than getting on the wrong freeway. So here are three in order of mildly amusing to so funny that if you’re not laughing, there might be something wrong with you.
Mildly Amusing (though not at the time):
I did my 4:00 am wake up call and flew in, I worked all day in the office, correction, I worked until 9:30 pm in the office. I then drove two blocks to my hotel, desperate to crash. I gave my rental car to the valet. I normally self-park, but was so tired, I decided not to bother. I stumbled into the hotel blurry eyed and on fumes. I went up to the front desk, threw my corporate card and elite card on the desk like I owned the place and hoped they could get me to my room before I slept in the lobby. I didn’t notice at first that he was typing more than usual. Finally, he said, “Mrs. Morgan, I am sorry, but are you sure you have a reservation?” What?! I physically shook my head hoping it would help me process his question. It dawned on me that I was in town for a conference and had not made my own travel arrangements… It turned out my hotel was 30 minutes away and it was now approaching 10:00 at night (remember, I got up at 4:00 am). I now had to rescue my bags from the bellman, wait 15 minutes for the valet to bring my car back and head to the correct hotel. I was tired and frustrated; so as a further poke from the universe, my GPS wasn’t working. I got lost three times trying to find my hotel! When I finally got into my room, sometime after 11:00, I turned on my computer to cancel my early morning call and my laptop died!
Fairly Amusing
Same trip as above (I should have stayed home!). I checked out of the correct hotel to fly home. I had asked the valet to have my car waiting because I was going to be cutting it close, having a morning meeting before I scurried to catch my flight home. I ran out of my morning meeting, handed some money and my ticket to the valet, grabbed my keys and headed for the airport. Halfway to the airport, I went to turn on the radio and thought, ‘hmm, that’s funny, I could have sworn the button was on the other side’. I ignored the feeling for a few minutes, then on a hunch, I looked at the key chain, it said Avis, my rental company, so I kept driving. It was still bugging me, so I grabbed the rental car agreement and flipped it over – “WHO THE HELL IS D. SMITH (name changed to protect the victim) and why do I have their tag?!!!” I had taken the wrong rental car! At this point, I am one mile from the airport. If I turned around, I would certainly miss my flight. For me that was not an option, because I wanted to get home to see my kids! I called the hotel valet from the car and made them stay on the phone while I pulled into rental car return. I did what I do best – I put on my biggest apologetic smile and started talking. I explained that the valet gave me the wrong car and I was going to miss my flight and inquired if could just return the one I had. I was in luck, because I had no personal belongs in my car and D. Smith had no belongings in the car I “stole”. The hotel tracked him down, we made a deal and I flew home. As a side note, I am sure you all assume it was the same car in the same color – uh, no. Two different foreign four door cars, one was silver, the other champagne. Oops, I now try get electric blue cars whenever possible!
The Winner
This was not my brilliance, but certainly wins. A friend of mine was on a sales trip and had been at a big, wine-filled dinner with clients. He stumbled into bed pie-eyed and bordering on incoherent. In the middle of the night, nature called and he staggered out of bed, headed for the bathroom. Still drunk, he walked through the door and then the door closed with a click. He had gone out the door to his room! And, he sleeps naked! (His wife told me the story, I do not know the sleeping attire of my male friends). He now has two problems – the urgent need to pee and he is locked out of his room in the middle of the night, naked! Solution one: he pee’d in the drain of the ice machine. As he is figuring out problem two, he hears the elevator door open and he throws his naked 6 foot tall, football player frame against the hallway wall in hopes of being missed… He gets lucky and uses the house phone to call the front desk. While waiting for security to come up, he finds an unlocked housekeeping closet and grabs a towel that is just enough to cover the ‘public display of indecency’ parts. When the security guard comes up, he averts his eye, keeps the verbal exchange short and files workman’s comp the next day I am sure.
Whether your work brings in a paycheck or raises a family, we all have those times when auto-pilot (or too much wine) gets the best of us. Remember that when someone steals your rental car or you see a naked guy in a hotel.
The hotel robe would have come in very handy...
Instant Gratification
I am not going to lie – I am a big fan of instant gratification. Just call me Veruca in “Charlie in the Chocolate Factory” – I want it now! One of my friends calls it the Sod-It Syndrome. She can’t wait for grass to grow, she would rather have sod. I could provide endless examples of my impatience and you know how I love a good list. However, I will refrain this time… nah!
- I sometimes inadvertently get drunk trying to reach the happy buzz place to quickly
- I have turned myself orange more than once trying to achieve a dark spray on tan in 24 hours that usually takes a week
- I invent scheduling conflicts to get my performance reviews back from my manager earlier.
- I, like most Americans, have done my share of accumulating debt in college because I couldn’t wait for a time when I could afford shopping (or excessive drinking)
- I researched the earliest pregnancy test because one extra day of waiting was too much for me
The irony is that it drives me nuts when my kids can’t be patient. Seriously, good things are worth the wait little pumpkins! (And do as mommy says, not as mommy does!)
So are you a seed or a sod person?
I CHOOSE To Love
In a recent post, I talked about I feel kids help my marriage. This may seem unusual to some, but I truly believe I can choose my perspective and response to life. Not every day is magic and love. I break under pressure, I consider sending my kids off to the circus and my husband to Antarctica, but I make choices. I chose to have kids and I choose to focus on the positive.
My husband and I did a couples counseling weekend before we got married and they said you will not be in love with your partner through your whole marriage, some days you will have to use your resolve and choose to love. I choose to love on the tough days. When I want to unleash my completely unbalanced side on my husband, I make a conscious decision to love him. I definitely do not feel in love with him at that moment, but I remind myself that our relationship is deeper than that. My choice to love him is what carries me through until I feel “in love” again. I know that life is full of ups and downs. I use the ups to get me through the downs. I am confident that each chapter in my life will be different. I also now have a clever way of telling him I am angry with him the kids are present – when he hears me say “I am choosing to love you”, he knows he has set off my crazy side!
I used my “choose to love mantra” with a friend yesterday. She was having one of those days, she was arguing with her husband in front of her kids. She was at her wit’s end and didn’t provide the normal explanation to her kids that mommies and daddies fight, but still love each other. Instead, she had that moment where her head may have been capable of spinning around on her neck and she was driving the anger train! She needed fresh perspective. I reminded her that she has the ability to choose to love him.
– On a side note, imagine how annoying it must be to have a friend like me who interjects positivity and “choose to love” mantras when you’re pissed off and ready to come unglued. Maybe it’s not my advice that helps, but rather that her husband seems like a better ally then my Little Mary Sunshine personality (reminder: I have several personalities).
Back to the point – I believe that my marriage is strengthened by weathering the rocky periods. I look back on the ten years of my marriage and they haven’t all been as good as this one and I know there will be rough years in the future, but I’d rather be tested and pass than keep my marriage in a bubble. It’s a lot of work to choose happiness, positivity and love. It’s also a lot of work to be friends with me, but I have to hope that there is some goodness in both.
WHOSE Back-To-School Night?
I attended back to school night this evening for my son’s elementary school. Most people think the name comes from children returning to school and parents spending the evening learning about their new teachers and programs. Those people are wrong. I am here to tell you it is called back-to school-night because you personally feel like you are back in school. Here is my evidence:
- You try to carpool so you don’t show up to a large group of people by yourself
- You’re afraid to be late and make a bad first impression with the teacher
- If someone walks into the classroom late, they look flustered and quickly spout apologies and excuses
- In between sessions, you quickly try to find your friends so you’re not standing by yourself
- You spend this time comparing teachers and even sharing a few urban legends/ gossip about the faculty
- There is a rebel group that skips the general session where attendance is not noted
If you’re still not convinced that some parents digress to college students themselves. Here are some direct quotes from the evening:
- “I knew I should have brought margaritas…”
- “Don’t tell my husband I left back to school night early to go get a drink with the girls.”
- “So I was picking up a tequila bottle off my bedroom floor this morning…”
Finally, I attended an “after-party” aka drinks with a few girlfriends where the following statements were made:
- “So you’re basically drinking straight vodka?” “No, they shake it with ice, so little molecules of water get in there too.”
- “I won’t look so sophisticated drinking this martini when I hit the second one.”
- “Shoot, get the check, I promised I would be home by 7:30!”
So you tell me, was I at back to school night as a parent or reliving my days of youth? Either way, I balanced informative with fun!
What kind of apple should I bring the teacher?
I Have Mold In My Shower and Other Confessions
I like to quote the Wizard in the “The Wizard of Oz” when he says, “Don’t look behind the curtain”. For me that means I usually appear to have it together, but it’s typically held together with scotch tape and dental floss.
I was reminded of my wizard mantra yesterday when my friend and I agreed we were ‘going to pull it together’. You know, the day where you vow to catch up on everything. Why do we set such lofty goals?! So I went for it. I am 90% caught up on work, filled out my daughter’s preschool paperwork (that was due weeks ago), worked on a birthday present for a friend, blah, blah, blah.
I am really proud of myself. I started congratulating myself on being amazing until I looked behind my curtain…
- I picked up my house and cleaned my stove, but there is mold in the shower
- I fed my kids dinner BEFORE soccer practice, but it was a microwave meal
- I arranged to take a family with a new baby dinner tomorrow, but I went store-bought instead of homemade
- I did the grocery shopping, by putting a fake meeting on my work calendar
- I had to put my friend’s son’s first day of school in my calendar so I wouldn’t forget to ask how it went on the correct day
- I took my FIRST shower for the “day” at 10:00 pm
I also have a few standing tricks I pull to appear more together than I am:
- I use dry shampoo so I don’t have to wash and style my hair as often
- I have big drawers behind cabinet doors where I store all the kids toys at night
- I keep a stash of cards, presents and wrapping paper so I don’t show up without a gift (because I am not organized enough to mail birthday cards)
- I have dimmer switches on my lights so you can’t see the dust if you come to my house for dinner
Now, I could easily say that I work smarter, not harder (with the exception of the mold in the shower) but the point is, we all do the best we can. We can usually make things livable, but rarely perfect. I did not write this list to put myself down, but rather to keep a firm grip on reality. I can only do what I can do and it is what it is. (Yes, I am going for a cliché record). If my shower was mold free (it will be Thursday) and the meals were homemade, I would be even more off-balance than I already am.
Therefore, I am celebrating the chaos behind the curtain! Please join me in this celebration and share your tricks for keeping it together or giving the appearance that you have it together.
Don't Look Behind The Curtain
Sunday Blues
A fabulous, fun-filled weekend is over and my family and I had to face reality today. I knew the dreaded Monday was coming. Mondays smack me in the face before they even start. I call it the Sunday Blues.
My Sunday Blues typically kick in about 5:00 pm every Sunday when I start worrying about what I need to do for work Monday morning and how busy the week is going to be. Yesterday the Sunday Blues kicked in early – at 2:00. Between my anniversary, my son’s first day of school and other fun stuff, I slacked a bit at work last week – okay, truthfully, I was the Ferris Bueller of the corporate world! So today I am paying the piper, trying to do dammage control. What did I blow off last week that I shouldn’t have? Whose waiting on me for a response? What important milestone did I not approve? What executive update did I fail to provide? I will be spending my morning catching up before it catches up to me.
In addition, my husband left for a business trip this morning, which means I will juggle getting the kids to school, working, homework, dinner, soccer practice, baths and back to school night by myself. Once the week gets going, I do just fine, because I am too busy to worry about it. But I can’t seem to avoid mourning the loss of our relaxed weekend time and dreading the stress of life as Sunday comes to a close.
However, in the spirit of trying to stay balanced – I will look for the positives. I will enjoy the 1:1 time with my kids. I will run the house by my rules. I will remind myself how independent and organized I can be. I will take up the whole king bed when I sleep! And then I will thank God when my husband comes home and rescues me from the brink of insanity!
I’d ask you to wish me luck, but there are single parents who deserve daily Hallmark cards. I have friends whose spouses travel every week. There are military families who juggle so much more. This is not a pity party, this is recognition of the challenge at hand. I am ultra competitive and will not let the Sunday Blues predict the outcome of this week!
As I began writing this post, I was feeling mopey and scattered, now Eye of the Tiger (I am not even a huge Rocky fan) is playing in my head and I am ready to get through it!
If all else fails, Plan B involves a bottle of wine and a babysitter!
Humble, Grateful and Still Off-Balance
The day after receiving so much traffic from being freshly pressed, thank you Freshly Pressed Gods, I am faced with what to write about. Do I follow in Lori Dyan’s footsteps and discuss the overwhelming, thrilling experience of having 2,000+ hits in a single day? I loved her post, and could certainly discuss the excitement of the day, however, I am going to stick to what I always do, write about what is pounding the hardest in my head and/or heart.
I am humble, grateful and…
I am overwhelmed by a day so filled with love and hope. Yesterday would have been a great day just celebrating 10 years of marriage to my husband. I realize how lucky I am to have a wonderful partner to share in the joys and struggles of life. I know that 10 years would not have happened without him being who he is.
However, in addition, I was given the unique gift of discussing love, marriage and children with so many people yesterday. I was humbled by the kind words people shared about my perspective. But I feel the need for full disclosure: I am not positive and grateful every day. Children and marriage are tough! Some days, I am the crazy lady who closes the windows so the neighbors don’t hear me screaming at the kids. I am the irrational wife who takes out a bad day on her husband by being cranky and hard to please. My blog is called Slightly Off-Balance for a reason – I am on an emotional roller coaster, just like I suspect most people are.
What made yesterday different is that each comment on how important it is to be positive reinforced my resolve, commitment and appreciation of family. Readers yesterday took my feelings and gave them more strength than ever. Even the gentleman who said I might be delusional (I loved his honesty) was a reminder that every day is not Hallmark cards, flowers* and anniversary dinners. I read every comment and will finish responding to each one, not only because I appreciate the time people take to read my thoughts but because I will go back to those comments to get me through the hard days. A hundred plus strangers are now part of my marriage enjoyment/maintenance/survival toolkit – wow, that is a gift. I told my husband last night at dinner that on bad days I am going to read what I wrote yesterday and the subsequent comments to remind me of my priorities.
Now, it wouldn’t be a post from me if there wasn’t a flip side – Things were going so well yesterday that I felt like anything was possible. In addition to the joys I have shared, we had some good news on a business endeavor yesterday, it felt like I was charmed. I was ready to take my luck to Vegas! So as I sat at dinner with my husband last night, drinking too much wine, I started to think that more good things could potentially happen. I got it in my wine and love filled head that my husband was going to propose to me to renew our vows and that he had an anniversary ring. (I am pausing so you can finish laughing). Although I am well aware that it is a bad economy and we had agreed no gifts, I decided he had been planning for so long that it was still possible. I thought the waitress was pushing dessert hard and looking at my husband in a knowing way, I pictured the ring arriving on my dessert plate. I even went as far as texting one of my friends my ludicrous thoughts while my husband was in the bathroom.
You know how the story ends, there was no new ring, no “proposal” and I didn’t even get flowers (pausing to remind myself of appreciation and love), but there was a lot of chuckling when I told my husband of my crazy thoughts. You see, he knows who he is married to, my thoughts did not surprise him or upset him, he looked at me fondly the way we look at our children when they are being insane. That look of amusement and love was almost as good as a new ring…
Thanks for being part of the ride!
10 Reasons My Kids Help My Marriage
Today is my 10th wedding anniversary. Please send sympathy cards to my husband. 😉 I have discussed how I miss my husband even though we live in the same house as a result of having the chaos of kids. But today I am reflecting, and appreciating, all of the gifts my children bring to my marriage. Many of you know I love lists, so here we go:
- The kids unite us in a common cause of being great parents. We both try hard and work at it together.
- They keep us young (out of self-preservation) with sports, bike rides and play time.
- Our kids provide us endless goals to satisfy our achievement oriented personalities. Celebrating those milestones as a family brings my husband and I closer together.
- They can make our sex life risky and exciting. In other words the threat of them walking in at any minute.
- They keep us from taking life too seriously. Who can be stoic when your kids are showing you their latest dance moves?!
- They provide another reason not to walk out when the going gets tough.
- They are constant reminders of unconditional love – both giving and receiving.
- When we’re engaged in a battle of wills with our kids and my husband is my only ally, it makes our bond stronger.
- I see the best parts of him in them and it reminds me of why I fell in love.
- I can fall in love all over again watching my husband be a tender, nurturing father.
My husband and I don’t always agree about the kids. AKA he is Disney Dad and I am the enforcer, we balance each other out and keep each other sane. Our kids will always test our patience, conviction and physical endurance. The rewards of passing those tests are endless love, laughter and joy.
Pay It Forward
Slightly Off-Balance 