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Happy Halloween from June Cleaver
In the spirit of Halloween, I am going to be Supermom today and when I say Supermom, I mean June Cleaver, I love that woman and am not comfortable in tights and a cape. If my son can be GI Joe and my daughter can be Belle, a kitty, Sleeping Beauty, a Cheerleader and a skeleton (it’s changing by the minute) than I should be allowed to take on a new persona.
So what has supermom done so far – Made my family pumpkin pancakes from scratch (well mostly, ignore the canned pumpkin) and cleaned the kitchen – what you wanted more?! It’s only 10:00 am in California! You may be saying to yourself, did she come up with this bogus post just to brag about the pancakes – yes, possibly. As I sit and type my husband is vacuuming – does that mean I have already broken character?
Now for a costume… does supermom wear flannel pants and an old t-shirt? Does she have dirty hair and flour on her face? No? Hmmm… I will work on this – I would love to dress as my idol June Cleaver (without the heels, I am not that tough). I might have to whip out my sewing machine… ha ha ha, sorry I was laughing so hard, I had to stop typing, I don’t even own a sewing machine! But I do have a glue gun and a stolen stapler (sorry, I can’t talk about it, I plead the 5th).
If supermom aka June doesn’t work out, I will still celebrate Halloween by eating all of my kid’s candy and scarring (yes, that was intentional – scaring AND scarring) people with my off-balance behavior!
How’s your Halloween going? Have you been a Monster Mommy? If so, you may be a contender in my Mom of the Year Contest! The deadline for submission is tomorrow! Don’t forget, we have a celebrity judge – Lori from In Pursuit of Martha Points is picking the winner. You can go lobby for yourself at her site, but she is likely out launching an attack on her neighbor’s Halloween decorations today.
Late breaking news – my husband just came in to vacuum this room and told me he started the laundry and cleaned the bathrooms – I guess I am no June Cleaver, back to the drawing board… Any ideas for me?
5 Types of Over-Balanced Moms
You know what I am talking about, the too perfect and know-it-all moms…
I know what you’re going to say: “But Paige, you preach that every mother should be valued and not judged”. Correction – real people should be valued, but I choose to mock stereotypes all I want! And as for why I have decided to call them “over-balanced” ? Well everybody knows that too much of a good thing will make you sick! So to make the rest of us real mom’s feel better here we go…
- Too-Perfect-Mom: Nothing ever falls out of her car when she drops the kids off at school. She attends every event and brings homemade baked goods for all occasions. She’s never late and never looks like she just rolled out of bed. You have never seen her raise her voice to her angelic children and when you describe your chaotic day, she just gives you a sympathetic smile. She is NOT in the running for Mother of the Year! (But you could be if you submit…)
- Fashionista Mom: Always perfectly coiffed, trendy and never stained. Whether it’s early morning drop-off or coming from the gym, she never looks frumpy or disheveled. We all have our good days, but she’s never had a bad one.
- Know-It-All-Mom: She is an authority on everything. She tells you what you’re doing wrong as a parent (and possibly everything else) and how to correct it.
- Age Defying Mom – She has given birth to four kids and looks like she is 18. Perfectly toned, perky boobs, no wrinkles and she eats pizza and cupcakes at every party. The only consolation is imagining she has a plastic surgeon on speed dial, but alas, you’re sure she just has good genes.
- Overly-Talented-Mom: She’s athletic, a fabulous cook, crafty and decorated her model home. She sews all of her children’s darling clothes and made a breathtaking mission out of dried pasta and baking soda for her child’s school project. Everything she does is flawless and fabulous. I have a friend like this, but she’s crazy, so I still love her.
In revolt of over-balance, I present you with Paige:
- I am mildly athletic, if you count that I don’t usually trip when I walk.
- When I cook dinner, my husband tells me to focus on the main course and he’ll handle the rest
- The only thing I’ve made with my glue gun is a mess
- I forgot my daughter’s snack day at preschool… EVERY TIME FOR THE WHOLE YEAR! (sorry Miss Jill!)
- My best clothes are Target sales rack and my nanny has had to intervene when I tried to leave the house in a pathetic state
- I have a small fortune worth of half-empty water bottles floating around my car
- When I am on my “A” game, I close my windows before I yell
- The only thing I consider myself an expert on is being a crazy, off-balance mommy
Are you over-balanced? If so, what’s the secret? Prozac and wine??
If you’re off-balanced, like me? What’s your shining moment? I can hear what you’re thinking, that’s a funny one, you should enter my Mom of the Year Contest.
I'm no June Cleaver...
Working Moms Raise Their Kids Too
“I thought about going back to work too, but I didn’t want someone else raising my kids.”
This is what a very sweet, well-meaning, mother said to me this morning at my daughter’s gymnastics class. I wanted to respond with something like, “Yep, I wanted to have children for the picture frames and then send them off and check in with them on holidays”, but this mom was very nice and she meant well, so I smiled and said, “Yep, it’s a balance”.
Our nanny usually takes my daughter to the class since I work, but today, I took her and was given the once over and “Oh you must be her mom…”. Yes, my daughter has a mother. No, the nanny doesn’t leave her with a pack of female wolves at the end of the day.
As I see it, I do raise my children. Yes, there are 7 hours of preschool and 33 hours of a nanny per week, but otherwise, the buck stops here. The preschool is one I picked based on my personal beliefs on what is most important at this age. I interviewed 7 preschools before choosing this one. I provide direction for our nanny. I set the parameters for discipline and I set the tone for how they are cared for. In other words, I work AND I raise my children. I have people who help me, just as we have teachers who help instruct our children. But I ensure my daughter is raised as the demanding, hilarious diva I had hoped for and I am diligent in raising a control-freak, OCD son who will likely be CEO of a major corporation someday (how else will I retire?). And before I step off my soapbox, here is some evidence that my children are a product of my influence:
- My son will not leave his room if a drawer is open and he cannot sleep if the closet door isn’t closed
- My daughter likes to dance in her underwear on a chair
- My son will correct you if you’re doing it wrong
- My daughter will not stay in her room for time out “Nobody puts Baby in a corner”
- My son will stick up for the picked on kid at school
- My daughter has a snuggling addiction
- My son likes to know the rules
- My daughter likes to break the rules
- My son is super-competitive
- My daughter cheats to win
OMG, wait, I take it all back! I work full-time, who the hell raised these kids?!
I did, I do and I am proud of the results. All parents raise their kids, we just employ different methods of doing it.
What’s the biggest impact you have made on your kids or your parents have made on you?
Kids Are Like Power Outages
Our power was out for 14 hours starting just before dinner time yesterday. Yes, my night was filled with fights over flash lights and trying to put my kids to bed without their usual movie and book. While the candlelight was beautiful, it certainly heightened the normal Sunday night stress.
I realized that my kids and power outages have a few things in common:
- I have no control when either will be on or off
- Depending on my frame of mind, they can either be enjoyable or a pain in the “flashlight”
- Both are beautiful, but can lead to injuries. Candlelight = unnoticed suitcase on the floor
- They both throw off my routine and cause chaos
- They make you appreciate the times when things are running smoothly
- Abandoned dinner plans are typical side effects
- Sleepless nights are par for the course
- They both require lots of batteries
- Messes are inevitable (de-frosting freezer…)
- They both have varying degrees of severity: Brown out = cranky, Blackout = temper tantrum
- Things eventually return to “normal”
My life is back to “normal”. The flashlight wars are over, I have cleaned up the melted popsicles and I have almost re-set all of the one million clocks in our home. And for my next trick…
I’m Not in College Anymore
Why do I have to keep reminding myself that I am a 33-year-old mother of two?? Why does it only take a couple of cocktails for me to think I still have the energy and liver of a college girl? When will I learn the finer points of responsible drinking?
I spent yesterday recovering from an adult costume party on Saturday night. It was a fun evening. I didn’t lose my shoes, throw-up or embarrass myself, but I still had to recover yesterday. My synapses are still not firing correctly so I will try my best to sound intelligent coherent as I share some lessons learned:
- I made a pact that I would not do shots. I should have stuck to that pact
- Little shorts under my costume was my wisest move all night
- There’s a reason they’re called Kamikazes
- It is best not to meet new people when drinking, first impressions are tough if you can’t see clearly
- Water is more effective when you drink it, not simply carry it around
- Cameras should be banned after 10:00 pm
- Safety pins can be the difference between cute and dramatically inappropriate costumes
- Although you don’t feel the pain when someone steps on your foot with their high-heel at the moment, you will the next day
- Sparkly eye makeup causes eye-twitching the next day
- When attending a costume party, know that if a guy dressed as a sheriff has a patrol car, he might be legit
When was the last time you were reminded of your age?
Seven Reasons Not to Quit
I have two choices – write about how unhappy I am in my job or have a little fun with it.
C’mon! You know what I picked (it was close though, boy did you get lucky)! My goal was 10 reasons I love my job, but I am not that creative, so here’s seven.
Ten Seven Reasons I Love My Job
- The paycheck – I love it, I need it, it’s why my husband loves me
- The escape – no job = no nanny = no break from the kids
- The corporate credit card – nothing like sampling the best restaurants and bars on somebody else’s dime
- The excuse – I need this fabulous necklace and shoes and purse and coat and… for work
- The awards – who could give up the cheesy crystal awards that my kids try to play with 😉
- The distraction – if I didn’t work, I might have to actually work-out more – ugh!
- The miles and points – we take many vacations thanks to our frequent flier miles and hotel points
If you’re looking for me to mention the role or something deep, keep looking, I am too…
If you don’t work, why would you want to? If you do work, what’s the best part for you?
The “Real” Parenting Definitions
We have all heard them, but what do these parenting buzzwords really mean…
Perspective: Trying to get eye contact with a screaming, tantrum throwing child in order to discipline them. Usually involves getting on the ground and tilting one’s head upside down.
Time-Outs: Me. Bottle of Wine. Closet or Patio.
Make Good Choices: Pick the action that will be least likely to cause me to go psycho-mommy on your tiny heinie.
Consequences: A politically correct term for mommy (or daddy) revenge. You break my i-pod, spill my cocktail or wake me up, there will be consequences.
Positive Reinforcement: Using duck tape to encourage them to stay in timeout.
Incentives: Bribes out of desperation.
Stranger Danger: The danger of giving my children to a perfect stranger if they make me too crazy.
Crying It Out: What I do on the days when I realize that I have no control and that my life is run by two little people.
What would you add to the list?
"Positive Reinforcement"
I Brushed My Teeth With What?!
Parenting has highs and lows and sometimes unexpected, and unwanted, surprises…
We spent an amazing weekend with friends from college and their children. We all got together at a private camp. We had a campfire, a hay ride, fishing, swimming, and more. It was family and friend bonding bliss.
On Saturday night, my husband graciously put the kids to bed in our cabin, while I sat up at the lodge having cocktails and visiting with our friends. I strolled into our cabin about 1:30 am and of course had to get ready for bed in the dark. The cabins were simple and we all slept in one room, which was the same room the sink was in. So I couldn’t turn on the light to brush my teeth or take out my contacts.
I was doing pretty good in the dark. I got my contacts out, found my glasses and prepared to brush my teeth. I grabbed the tube, slathered it on and shoved the toothbrush in my mouth… What the %$&#? This substance was neither foamy nor minty. It was not meant for my mouth, but rather my daughter’s butt… It was Desitin!
C’mon, make me feel better, tell me your gross parenting story!
My toothbrush the next morning...
Mother’s Gone Wild
Please do not be alarmed. You are not about to be subjected to thirtysomething mama’s flashing video cameras. But I have seen such an occurrence…
I am taking about working mothers on business trips or any mamas on a girls night out. It is amazing how you can take your typical suburban soccer mom, remove the kids, add alcohol and see the transformation. She goes from pony-tail, hoodie wearing mom to plunging neckline, trippin’ in her stilettos mama.
I had such an evening (minus the plunging neckline – it was a work event people!) this week while on a business trip. A few co-workers and I went out for drinks. I broke my two cocktail at a work function limit (okay, I more than doubled it…). I knew it was time to switch to water when I am in a photo booth with one of MY EMPLOYEES, hamming it up for the camera. After the photos we stop to each call our kids to say goodnight and then start researching karaoke bars… that’s when not only did I need water, but a taxi back to the hotel!
What makes moms (and dads) go from nose wiping angels to boozin’ babes? I will tell you: We live to close to the brink of insanity! When given a small break from parenting we digress. Not only do we shed some responsibility temporarily, we shed our ‘set the example’, ‘do the right thing’ personas. And guess what – it feels great! Well, actually it feels hazy and not as great the next morning, but still worth it!
Pictures have been omitted to protect the guilty!
10 Reasons Mommy Loves Wine
Mommy needs a glass...
This post is brought to you by Markham 2005 Petit Verdot
So some crazy lady posed as me and wrote a post about breaking up with wine a while back! Do not be alarmed, I have found said crazy person and contained her in a bottle with a good cork. To cabernet, I mean commemorate my love of wine (proven by the fact that I have drank it 10 times in the last two weeks) I want to share with all of you some of the many reasons why I love wine:
- All I have to do is un-cork a bottle to erase the longest of days.
- I don’t have to share it with my kids (unless I want them to sleep better).
- I feel sophisticated when I swirl it my glass (and I feel like a dumb-ass when it spills out).
- Wine goes good with my one true love: food. Yes, any food.
- Wine and chocolate. Period.
- Wine is complex, temperamental and will spoil if not cared for properly, just like me.
- The antioxidants in wine make me a better mom – it’s science people!
- Wine gets better with age, just like moms and children.
- Having a glass of wine to cope sounds more civilized than drinking rubbing alcohol.
- Wine doesn’t talk back, wet the bed or throw temper tantrums!
Cheers!
Pay It Forward
Slightly Off-Balance 
