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The 7 Deadly Sins of Parenting
MSN did a piece yesterday about the Seven Deadly Sins . It got me to thinking about my sins as a parent:
Lust: With our busy schedules, traditional lust is not a daily occurrence around here. However, I will admit to lusting after shoes and purses. My shopping budget is about as scarce as lust, so I lust after the material things I gave up when I gave birth to the products of traditional lust.
Wrath: I have shared with you the dangers of the crazy mama bear. They say there is no greater wrath/fury than a woman scorned. Wrong! There is no greater wrath than me if you so much as look at my children in a threatening way. Only I can give them that look.
Pride: This is practically a gimme for parents. Have I told you my six-year-old and three-year old can water ski? Yes, I have, but I’m glad to have the opportunity to tell you brag again. I would post pictures of my kids to show the world how stinkin’ cute they are, but it goes back to that wrath and over-protective mama thing. So, pride – check.
Greed: If honesty compensates for greed than let me be clear: I would love to be rich, but not famous. I want enough money to choose my activities, to only work on things I am passionate about, to work less and enjoy life more. But it’s not just money, I want more time too. Time with the kids, time with my husband, time for myself, time for my friends. Call me Veruca: I want more and I want it now.
Envy: I envy moms (and dads) who appear to have more balance in their lives than me. I say “appear” because if they are anything like me, you shouldn’t look behind their curtain either.
Gluttony: Covered that with my post about Mommy’s Hierarchy of Needs. I use sweets and cocktails to achieve balance in my slightly off-balance life. When I really want to show my kids how much I care for them I say, “I love you more than chocolate” and sometimes I mean it.
Sloth: I have had 7 different posts that mention my inconsistent showering habits (really, I counted). Sloth is practically my middle name! I dare say I envy those who have more opportunities to be lazy than me. Do I get double points for a sin about a sin?
Bringing little angels into the world drives us to commit sin on a daily basis. Does that make me a great parent, a bad parent or just totally normal?
Mommy’s Hierarchy of Needs
My husband walked into the kitchen after we put our kids to bed and found me serving up a bowl of ice cream and stealing part of my kids homemade ice cream sandwich. He looked at me, recognized the seriousness of the situation and kept walking. He knew his life was in jeopardy if he tried to stop me or reason with me. He understands the “Mommy’s Hierarchy of Needs” based very loosely on the Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.
Based on how tough of a day I have had, I have different needs for coping. Here is the graphical representation:
As you can see, from the scientific diagram above, there are 5 levels of need. Within each level, the amount needed to cope can vary based on the severity of the day. Sweets is level one, but one M&M is a good day compared to a whole chocolate cake which is a catastrophic day. The most rare and severe level is a shot. If the day requires a shot, alternative child care should be arranged!
However, the pyramid can also represent exceptional days, where each level would denote the amount of celebration appropriate for the occasion.
With good days and bad days, levels can be combined to most accurately represent the situation and mommy’s psychological state. For example, a shot and a cupcake means that the principal, poop and stitches were involved.
So as not to discriminate, I will put together Daddy’s Hierarchy of Needs in a future post.
I Have Slept in the Rain, I Am Not High Maintenance
- I don’t belive in manicures. (Although I have vastly different views on pedicures)
- If there is food involved I can be ready in under three minutes to walk out the door. (But you may not want to sit across from me)
- If you’re cooking, I will eat it, no questions asked.
- I drink beer, not just wine and cocktails. The Silver Bullet suits me just fine.
- I love hand-me-downs for my kids.
- My Nieman Marcus is Marshalls.
- Filet mignon and pizza are pretty much on the same level for me.
- Days, okay I won’t lie – weeks, go by without me doing my make-up or hair.
- If I don’t leave the house, I don’t dress up, or get dressed…
- I will camp. In a tent. In the rain. And have fun.
Just like the Four Seasons!
The “Real” Me
I attended my daughter’s preschool back to school night this evening. This means, getting to know a new group of parents, some of which have their oldest in preschool. New parents always worry me because they may not have given up their ideals and sanity yet. They say admirable things like, “How do we know what our kids learned in school today so I can ask my child about it?” I respect this, but the easy way out is “what did you do, what did you learn and what was your favorite part”? They are still trying to do everything right (bless their hearts). I have to say, all of the moms I met seem very nice and down to earth, but time will tell who is as off-balanced as me. I have decided to show them the “real me” as early as possible in hopes of bringing them to the dark-side of reality parenting. Or maybe they are already there…
Last summer, there was an evening when I had too much to liquid fun and I was acting like a child. I was throwing food at my friends (trying to start a food fight, not out of malice) and generally acting silly. My husband was getting irritated with me (how could this be?!) . I turned to my group of friends and proclaimed, “This is the real me!”. I will never live that quote down, but I have also embraced it in many ways. Here’s more about the “real” me. Yes, it’s another list of confessions.
- I loathe the idea of owning a dog. My kids want one very badly and I am dead set against it. When I hear dog, I think hair, fleas, chewed up furniture, doggie breath and more responsibility. It is a threat to my precarious life balance. Don’t get me wrong, I like dogs – when they belong to other people! I am also not a huge fan of overnight dog guests, but have made exceptions for my dearest friends. (Devon – I am high-fiving you right now).
- I let my kids eat food they have dropped on the ground (there’s no dog to clean it up). Correction, I tell my kids they have to eat what they drop, because I am not giving them more. Now, this is only in my house, when the floors are reasonably clean, and maybe outside if it’s not too public of an area…
- I love the idea of playdates that involve cocktails. I NEVER drink when I am responsible for someone elses children AT ALL and I never have more than one if my husband is out-of-town. This is not a joke and if you drink while watching my kids, you will learn about mama bear. But, if you bring your little one over in the afternoon and you’re staying and want to have a beer with me, that is my kind of playdate!
- I am perfectly comfortable letting my children’s teachers be responsible for their learning. I will do all the homework and read to them, but frankly, I am exhausted at night and do not feel compelled to do extra credit as a mom. I am glad there are professionals to ensure my kids are brilliant.
- I recycle, but I drive a diesel SUV, do not compost, never made my own baby food, use disposable diapers and pull-ups and loved having drugs to ease the pain of labor.
- I bake the bread for church, but mostly to make up for how often I miss Mass (meaning mostly absent) and to see a friend who I never get to see unless it is baking time.
- I don’t like cold water so I spend more time watching my kids swim than swimming with them.
- I cannot do math. Period.
What’s the real you? You can tell me, I promise to use a fake name when I blog about it! 😉
Wine And I Are Breaking Up
Dear Wine,
I have loved you since my 21st birthday when we met on a wine tasting trip. We have had a great relationship, with the occasional quarrels. During those rough patches you made me crazy, even sick to my stomach because your love was too strong, but I kept coming back. We have had fun and made many wonderful memories.
But, my beloved, I have changed. It’s not you, it’s me. My tolerance for you has changed. I used to be able to enjoy your whole bottle, without consequence. But now, I sleep poorly after seeing you. I find mornings difficult when I spend the evening, or even two glasses with you. I am also no longer immune to the bad influences of your dangerous friends, like dessert, who you seem to bring along on our dates. Based on the increasing frequency of regret the morning after we’re together, I must end the relationship.
But hey, we can still be friends. We can see each other occasionally, even spend an evening together from time to time, like friends with benefits. But our love affair is over. I need to see others that don’t leaving me feeling badly the next day. I have been spending more time with a pirate, a captain by the name of Morgan and his friend, a sailor named Jerry. They provide fun and relaxation, without the unpleasant quarrels and feelings of regret the next morning.
I do have some concerns about how limiting our relationship will affect our social circle. My friends are used to us being a couple, they enjoy you’re company when they spend time with me, but they’ll have to adjust. My husband is thrilled that I am putting boundaries on our relationship, because it allows him to spend more time (yet less money) with you.
Thank you for a fabulous love affair, I will always appreciate your complexity, variety and the joy you have brought me. I will eagerly anticipate our occasional encounters and will know that I have benefitted from our relationship.
Fondly,
Paige
Taco Bell and a Martini
That was what one of my friends had for dinner last night, after shuttling hers kids home from activities.
As parents, almost everything we do is planned around our children’s schedule. We often inhale meals in between driving carpool, watching practices and helping with school projects. One of my “dinners” this week was two meat balls before soccer practice and a handful of pasta after practice – yes, I reached into the Tupperware, grabbed a handful of pasta and shoved it in my mouth. The irony is that my kids sat down at the table and ate a full meal while I raced around getting ready to be their chauffeur.
Not every night is chaos in our house, we try to have dinner as a family at the table most nights, but my kids are young. I am sure that it will be harder as they get older. I watch the SUVs and mini-vans drive in and out of the neighborhood all day long; busy parents getting kids to and from events right up until bedtime. Parents often have to divide and conquer in order to meet their children’s’ obligations.
So what’s more important – a family meal or extra-curricular activities? I guess it depends on how good the martini is.
WHOSE Back-To-School Night?
I attended back to school night this evening for my son’s elementary school. Most people think the name comes from children returning to school and parents spending the evening learning about their new teachers and programs. Those people are wrong. I am here to tell you it is called back-to school-night because you personally feel like you are back in school. Here is my evidence:
- You try to carpool so you don’t show up to a large group of people by yourself
- You’re afraid to be late and make a bad first impression with the teacher
- If someone walks into the classroom late, they look flustered and quickly spout apologies and excuses
- In between sessions, you quickly try to find your friends so you’re not standing by yourself
- You spend this time comparing teachers and even sharing a few urban legends/ gossip about the faculty
- There is a rebel group that skips the general session where attendance is not noted
If you’re still not convinced that some parents digress to college students themselves. Here are some direct quotes from the evening:
- “I knew I should have brought margaritas…”
- “Don’t tell my husband I left back to school night early to go get a drink with the girls.”
- “So I was picking up a tequila bottle off my bedroom floor this morning…”
Finally, I attended an “after-party” aka drinks with a few girlfriends where the following statements were made:
- “So you’re basically drinking straight vodka?” “No, they shake it with ice, so little molecules of water get in there too.”
- “I won’t look so sophisticated drinking this martini when I hit the second one.”
- “Shoot, get the check, I promised I would be home by 7:30!”
So you tell me, was I at back to school night as a parent or reliving my days of youth? Either way, I balanced informative with fun!
What kind of apple should I bring the teacher?
Debauchery = De-Bitchery
I am spending a long weekend on a friend’s houseboat with 15 other adults. We all have children at home and this is our weekend to cut loose and act like college kids again. Needless to say, it is our annual weekend of debauchery. We drink too much, act silly and laugh hard. We come home exhausted, hung over and rejuvenated.
I am just going to say it – if you have kids, you need a vice: alcohol, chocolate, Prozac – something! We love our children more than anything in the world but they test our patience, steal our sleep, and limit our freedom. While they are worth every sacrifice, we have to have time to let loose. For me, my weekend of drunken antics will scale back the bitchiness that builds up from juggling a busy life.
I have written about my irritation with stay at home moms who judge working moms. But stay at home mom’s might even need a break more than me – at least I have 8-10 hours per day of different stress. Whether you’re a working mom or your whole focus is raising kids (very admirable job), you go crazy from time to time (my time hits daily!). As my wise friend Sarah says, “parenting is only tough if you care”. Every mom I know cares a lot and that makes it the hardest job in the world, one which requires de-bitchery.
So this weekend I will drink to all moms in need of de-bitchery!
Friends and Bars
Friends are like a well stocked bar. A well stocked bar provides variety to suit your moods. A crazy girls weekend calls for shots, a quiet night at home- a glass of wine, a Friday afternoon – margaritas. Friends are similar. Playdate mommies, co-workers and book club ladies all bring a different perspective and provide a different kid of fun or enrichment. Friends can also cause hangovers in excess. Good friends also get better with age and lousy friends turn to vinegar over time.
They key to balance is learning over time which friends cause hangovers and should be enjoyed in moderation, which ones to invest heavily in because they will age and which ones will turn to vinegar and should be dumped. It’s a simple theory, but tough in practice. It took me years to realize spiced rum is the only drink I can do all day and that sugary drinks will lead to a hangover every time. It’s even harder to acknowledge a toxic friend or ones that are deceivingly sweet. I have been paying attention to my little voice lately and am starting to catalog my friends the way I do my bar. This allows me to prioritize my time and surround myself with top shelf friends.
I feel very blessed to have a diverse group of friends and a well stocked bar! What defines your top shelf or prized vintage friend?
Pay It Forward
Slightly Off-Balance 
