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Escalator Gymnastics Saved My Son’s Life
I have consumed the obligatory glasses of wine to recover from the adrenaline rushes of yesterday. But I did promise to share the story of my escalator gymnastics…
When my son was three years old and my daughter was three months old, we planned a trip to Disneyworld with another family. As we headed towards security, my husband went into frequent flier mode. You put my best friend and better half in an airport and he’s all business, even on a trip for pleasure. We had decided he would be in charge of my son and I would take the baby (who was strapped to my chest) and the diaper back pack. To reach security in our airport, you must go up an escalator. My husband was two car lengths ahead of me as we approached the escalators. With potentially crippling fear, I realized that while my husband was stepping onto the escalator, my son, wearing a toy-filled backpack, was about 6 steps behind him. I screamed to my husband to take our son’s hand, but it was too late. My sweet boy, in an attempt to keep up with daddy, tried to step onto the escalator, by himself, for the first time.
I could see him hesitate and waver. All of my internal alarms went off and time slowed to a crawl. My husband looked like a statue and I knew he was merely a false sense of help at that moment. As the steps started to ascend, I could see that my sweet pumpkin’s feet were on the very edge of a step and he was teetering. All that went through my head was that he was going backwards and his head was going to smack the metal grates.
I sprinted. I dove. I think God may have picked me up and carried me, it was all a blur. I threw myself forward with my right hand extended and caught my son’s head two inches above the grates. But it’s not over yet, remember my baby strapped to my chest?
I knew that my forward momentum would send her face first into the same predicament. While maintaining the hold on my son’s precious head, I kicked my legs out from under me and threw myself backwards. I put up my left arm to block my daughter’s head as I slammed against the side of the STILL MOVING ESCALATOR. As I fell backwards the diaper backpack kept my head from a similar fate that I had just avoided for my son. My girlfriend rushed up behind me and held my head up as I rode up the escalator on my back, legs in the air, baby strapped to my chest, holding my son’s head above menacing metal spikes.
I am staring at my statue, I mean my husband, and see a flash out of the corner of my eye. A man behind my girlfriend dropped his bag, sprinted the stairs, ran down the escalator, pushed past my frozen husband and pulled my children and I up.
The next few seconds are a blur but it seems airport personnel were there in an instant. They had stopped the escalator (a little late fellas) and had summoned the paramedics. (Taking a breath because after three years I still choke up when I say or write paramedics.)
They responded quickly to check me and my children out. I told them my son was fine, I had caught him, but my daughter was crying and had a small bruise on her forehead. Although my arm took most of her impact, she did hit the glass. “Ma’am, we’re going to check you all out, but we have an ambulance waiting downstairs.” At this point, I am wondering if I did the right thing. I didn’t see what other choice I had at that moment. I told the paramedics, “We’re on a way to Disneyworld, but if you have the slightest hesitation, we are getting in that ambulance”.
Fortunately, everyone checked out fine. My daughter had stopped crying and showed no signs of trauma and my son and I had escaped even a scratch. We were cleared to fly. As we walked through the terminal, people were pointing at me and whispering.
I was whispering too, “Thank you God”.
A Mama Bear Kind of Day
I have said before that I am the classic, over-protective, mama bear. I had Mama Bear feelings three times today before 10:00 am!
Mama Bear #1:
My son woke us up at 5:45 this morning because he had had a nightmare.
He failed to mention that he had already filled his diaper and subsequently pee’d through the full diaper, soaking my husband and his side of the bed (thank God for California Kings – my side was dry and warm!). In disgust, my husband got up, changed my son, put him in bed next to me and got ready for the day (45 minutes early). But I digress…
My son couldn’t go back to sleep because he was so scared from his nightmare, his little heart was racing. (I know because we had to snuggle tight to avoid the pee.) He started asking me questions about bad guys and home security. I ended up turning on the light and talking with my son for forty-five minutes about ‘what-ifs’ and why he is safe. He wanted me to get his dad, because he was worried I was too small to defeat a bad guy. I tried to explain without showing my over-dramatic true colors that I would keep him safe at all costs. I explained that bad guys have no interest in us, we have an alarm system, etc, etc. But I was getting worked up being asked questions like, “What if a bad guy came in with a gun and tried to take Sissy or I?” What I really wanted to say is that if somebody came in this house that shouldn’t, I would kill them. Did you see the period? Kill them. Period. Even if they were bigger and had a gun, I would win because you always bet on the crazy mama bear!
Mama Bear #2:
After getting my son safely off to school, I was driving my daughter to preschool. We literally live within a mile of the school and could walk if it wasn’t so damn cold this morning. (Who am I kidding, I always drive!) As I was going straight, somebody turned left in front of me. I had to SLAM on my brakes with my sweet, precious girl in the car! Once I realized that, by the grace of God, we had stopped (I truly don’t know how I brought my husbands huge truck to a stop that fast!) I was relieved… and pissed! What kind of moron makes a left turn without slowing down, or looking both ways! I wanted to yell at her, but I settled for a long honk. My little girl is too young to witness road rage.
However, when I dropped her off at school my heart was still racing and my voice cracked when I tried to tell the story. You all know that feeling… I get chills just writing about it.
Mama Bear #3:
After dropping my daughter off at preschool, I went to the gym. I hoped to run off the adrenaline pumping through my veins. I had a nice run and on my way home noticed that our neighbor’s nanny’s car was parked in front of their house. Except, they had fired that nanny yesterday!
Now maybe, I was already mentally in the wrong place with the bad guy talk and near collision, but I started worrying about disgruntled employees and my neighbor’s sweet little girl inside. I instantly pulled my car over. But I didn’t jump out of my car and barge in the front door. No, I am balanced and mature, but the thought occurred to me. I texted my neighbor at work to make sure the nanny was supposed to be there, she confirmed that while they gave her notice yesterday, her last day was today. I took yet another deep breath and went home.
I think I need some serious wine and chocolate to counteract the adrenaline from today!
Are you a mama or papa bear type? Do you mentally prepare for the worst in situations? Have you, like me, mapped out your exit strategies with the kids if an intruder got into the house? Have you performed acts of heroism for the sake of your children? Some other time I will tell you about my escalator gymnastics that saved my son’s life…
Bottom line, am I crazy or a normal mama?
My protective side...
What I’ll Miss When My Kids Grow Up
I was exhausted last night. I did another marathon post-bedtime poop party with my daughter. I swear she poops at will and her will is AFTER I have put her to bed. She pulls the poop card to get out of bed and hang out. She sits on the potty for 30 minutes and somehow pulls poop out of her ass little touchy literally and figuratively. It doesn’t matter if she has pooped twice already during the day. Come 8:30 pm, she waltzes in for her poop party. Did I mention she likes me to hold her hands to help “push the big poop out”. (I know, I am a sucker). So I sit, on the bathroom floor, holding my daughter’s hands while she talks to me, gets me to sing “There’s a Whole In My Bucket” and pushes out the poop.
Last night nearly killed me. I was tired, had a horrible headache and today is the first day back to work and school. As I sat there fuming, she bent over and kissed my forehead. In that moment, I pulled it together and reminded myself that despite the trials of parenthood, there are some amazing parts too.
I am writing myself a list of the things I will miss when my kids are all grown up, so that I don’t take these precious moments for granted. It is my intent to refer to this list when I am tempted to daydream about fast-forwarding to the part where they are grown up and out of the house.
Here’s a start:
- Falling asleep cuddled up with them
- Waking up to kisses on my nose
- Receiving hugs that nearly knock me over
- Spontaneous and surprise art projects
- Hearing the giggles from the other room when they are playing well together
- Hearing them running through the hall to come see me when they get home from school
- “I love you Mommy”
- “Mommy, will you snuggle me?”
- Watching their excitement at Christmas
- Seeing them accomplish a goal for the first time – waterskiing, a soccer goal, a somersault
- Seeing their eyes light up when something delights them
- Cute mispronunciation of words
- Eskimo kisses
- Butterfly kisses
Clearly, this list could go on forever. Just starting this list has put me back in my zen mommy place. It’s only breakfast, so who knows how long it will last, but I can always work on this list some more if when they dump their cereal on the floor.
What will you miss?
The (Off-Balance) Day Before Christmas
Blonde Ambition Holiday Tour
Before you all get too excited, no, Madonna is not doing a holiday show.
The Blonde Ambition Holiday Tour is my plan for the next two weeks. My plan is to make the most of it being quiet at work, as well as having the kids home, in order to start the new year caught up, cleaned up and with some good habits. It is the Blonde Ambition tour because I am blonde (thanks to my stylist Yvette) and it’s one hell of an ambitious list.
In order to organize my efforts, I am separating the list into work and home. I am officially working this week and next week, but next week will be even quieter than this one. So I plan to focus on work this week and home next week. The work list is boring, so I won’t share it, but it sounds something like presentation blah blah blah email blah blah blah hire someone blah blah blah.
Home List (brace yourself):
- Make it to the gym at least four days each week to counteract the 12 Pounds of Christmas
- Clean-out my closet and give to charity – there are some clothes in there that would be better suited for an elf.
- Help my kids with their charity donations. Before their birthdays and Christmas I make my kids go through their toys and each fill a minimum of a 12 gallon trash bag with toys for charity. I explain that they have to give to others in order to receive. It’s a great lesson on helping those less fortunate AND it keeps my home from turning into residential Toys R Us. (When I got to bed at night, I don’t like any toys in plain sight).
- Clean-out my husband’s office – This is frightening. There is paperwork, empty router boxes and my kids’ school work from the last two years in there. It’s the embarrassing catch-all room and unfortunately it is in the same hall as the guest bathroom, so we need to make it look less like somebody threw up a recycling bin in there.
- Have at least three playdates for the kids and three “mommy playdates”.
- Upload pictures to Facebook and make discs for people.
- Visit family and friends 3 hours away, 1 hour away and 30 minutes away.
- Host Christmas dinner. I need a really good dessert recipe that will feed 10 – any ideas?
- Take down already dead tree and Christmas decorations on December 26th.
STOP LAUGHING! If you think it’s funny or even ludicrous to come up with this list of things to do during the holidays, aside from surviving the holidays, I agree. But when else can I get it done? I miss my friends and family, my kids have spent a lot of time at home with each other and organization and tidiness makes me swoon. Yes, I want to try for supermom despite repeated reminders from the universe that I crash after a couple of days of trying to do it all. But yet I keep trying. Why? Because I’m a fighter? My meds aren’t right? I am a glutton for punishment? I don’t know, but I am headed straight for completely off-balance in pursuit of balance.
It’s Monday at 12:30 pm, how am I doing so far?
- I took an hour-long beating in one of those circuit classes today. I should have known I was screwed when the warm-up was a mile run. (For those that don’t know me, I am not an athlete. For those that know me, you know that is an understatement).
- My son currently has a playdate and I am taking my daughter to a kids party this afternoon.
- I am going out for dinner with the girls tonight.
- I have a load of laundry in the washer – it should be in the dryer, but one thing at a time.
I am off to a good start. Now you may be thinking, this is boring, we don’t want to hear about all the good stuff you’re getting done. But trust me, when I fall on stage (we’re going back to the Madonna analogy), I do it with a bang!
Stay tuned for the pyrotechnics!
The 12 Pounds of Christmas
I am Paige and I have a problem. My vices have become so debilitating that I cannot make it two hours, TWO HOURS, without chocolate or some Christmas treat! And every night presents a new reason to drink. (Okay, I can find a reason every night to have a glass of wine, but I’m talking about really good reasons like Christmas parties, holiday traditions and my feet were cold.)
So here it is – my 12 pounds of Christmas:
- The kids made peppermint bark. What kind of mother would I be if I didn’t eat it and tell them how yummy it was.
- Every year we have our favorite toffee shipped from Colorado. WE ONLY GET IT ONCE PER YEAR – of course I ate it – I had to before my husband did.
- I attended my work holiday luncheon and drank white wine – hey it paired nicely with the heavy cream bisque.
- After the lunch we had a morale event that was bartending lessons (and tasting) – it was a morale event, I had to participate.
- Following bartending, we had an after party at another bar. I am on the leadership team, I had to drink to make others feel like it was ok. But because I am a manager, I didn’t want people getting too drunk, so I ordered everyone a bunch of pizzas. I had to eat them too- you can’t have management passing out drunk.
- We watched Polar Express as a family – the kids drank cocoa, I drank cocoa and Bailey’s. It’s a requirement.
- The kids made sugar cookies – again with the good mother thing.
- We made gingerbread houses – I had to “clean up” the left over frosting.
- One of the neighbors brought over chocolate covered pretzels – nobody can say I am a bad neighbor, I ate the pretzels.
- The kids made those peanut butter cookies with the Hershey kisses. AND they used dark chocolate – my favorite. Being such a fantastic mom to my lil’ bakers is becoming a problem.
- We had dinner at a friend’s house, they poured cocktails, I didn’t want to be a rude, so I drank three.
- We stood out in the cold to watch Santa come through the neighborhood on a fire truck, it was cold, I needed to stay warm, I prefer liquid heat.
So as you can see, in the spirit of giving, because I am a giver, and in the spirit of the holidays, I have done my duty as a mother, friend, neighbor, boss and employee. I have eaten and drank nightly and CHRISTMAS IS STILL OVER A WEEK AWAY! Does this mean I’ll stop now before Christmas? Uh, no! I want to be on Santa’s good list, and judging from his belly he rewards those who selflessly indulge, like me, over those who turn their back on holiday traditions. At the rate I am going, I am pretty sure Santa is bringing me diamonds and a new car.
Eat, drink and be merry!
Pictures with Santa Fail
We are dashing through the snow our Christmas checklist of things to do with the kids during the holiday season. Yesterday we hung up the Christmas lights outside and last night was the night to go take pictures with Santa.
Pictures with Santa is not one of my favorite activities: the waiting, the screaming kids, the germs – and that is before we even leave the house! But, we have to pay our $20 for our 3 x 5 picture that proves we love our kids. But this year was going to be fun, we had a plan…
We had dinner with a few friends and then raced around dressing the kids so that people would think my children regularly wore ironed, button-down shirts and poofy dresses. I went to put on my daughter’s black tights and discovered I had brought footless leggings, so I pulled them down over her heels and shoved the ends into the toes of her black Mary Jane’s. “But mommy, this is not how they work,” exclaimed my exasperated daughter. “I know sweetie, but Mommy is silly and we don’t want you to look goofy (I almost said stupid and caught myself) in your picture.” I think the desperation in my voice and the rushing around of the other moms convinced my daughter to just go with it.
We packed the kids into the cars and headed off to see the big man. As we were driving there, one of my friends said, “I didn’t think to call to see what time the mall closes on a Sunday”. It was 5:55 pm so I knew we were safe, no self-respecting mall closed before 9:00 pm this close to Christmas.
We pulled into the mall, congratulating ourselves for deciding to go on a Sunday night since there were far fewer cars in the parking lot. We got the kids out of the car and somehow made it through the parking lot without losing anyone. The kids were running around like someone had given them a Santa size portion of cocoa and I figured letting them run a bit before hitting the picture line would help preserve my last holiday nerve.
We opened the door to the mall… wait, why is it not opening? They lock one of the doors? All the doors are locked? What the holly? What time does the fa la la la la mall close?!
6:00 pm.
My kids now have a picture in their Christmas finest in front of Coca-Cola machine – hey, at least it’s red and white!
Tell me about one your holiday mishaps. I’ll either learn from your mistake or repeat it on purpose.
Kids Christmas and Cocktail Pairings
I had an epiphany tonight – I am a sommelier! Just as a sommelier pairs the perfect wine with a great meal, I have the talent to match a cocktail to any kid Christmas event, well any event really, but let’s try to keep it seasonal people!
So here you go, the perfect holiday pairing list:
- Getting a Christmas Tree
- Straight Vodka (if you’re spouse is a perfectionist like mine)
- Decorating the Christmas Tree
- Hot Buttered Rum – you must get the seasonal stomach (aka gut) in training
- Putting up Christmas Lights
- Water – this was a test people! Roofs and liquor don’t mix
- Watching The Polar Express with the kids
- Bailey’s and Hot Cocoa – “Hot, hot, ooh we got it” (If this doesn’t make sense, you haven’t seen the movie, which means you’re getting coal in your stocking)
- Kids School Christmas Pageant
- Coffee and Peppermint Schnapps (people will think it’s coffee and gum)
- Christmas Date Night with Your Spouse
- Snow Job (this one is for you Pajama Girls!)
- Santa Run – Standing in the freezing a$% cold to watch firetrucks and Santa come through the neighborhood
- Brandy – in the name of survival
- Company Christmas Party
- White wine if you’re smart, Goldschlager if you’re looking for a severance package to bank roll your kids’ gifts
- Making a Gingerbread House
- Egg Nog – When else do you make a house out of cookies and candy? When else do you drink egg nog?
- Christmas Caroling
- Can’t help you here, you’d have to give me (or the people who would have to listen) the whole bar to get me to sing in public
- Kids’ Cookie Decorating Party
- Cranberry Margaritas – Kids, frosting and sprinkles, you may want just want a shot glass
- Girl’s Christmas Happy Hour
- Christmas Cosmos – Out of style? Maybe, but so are Christmas sweaters, and we’re rockin’ them!
- Neighborhood Cocktail Party – Adult’s Only
- This whole list. Times two.
- Christmas Brunch with Relatives
- Mimosa – It ony takes a splash of orange juice to look civilized
- Christmas Brunch with Friends
- Bellini’s – Fun, sophisticated and unique – just like my friends, well most of them…
- White Elephant Exchange
- White Russians – I don’t know why, I just think it sounds like a good idea. So it is.
- Christmas Dinner
- Wine – Prime Rib and Cabernet, yes please!
- Christmas Dinner with In-Laws
- Tequila – And that’s just Plan A…
- After Christmas Sales
- Bloody Marys – Kills the Christmas dinner hangover and gives you energy to shop
I hope this list gets you through the holidays. At anytime you may substitute any drink for hot cocoa and Bailey’s.
Okay, what event did I forget? What’s your favorite Christmas Cocktail recipe?
A Mother’s Take on Airport Security
I just returned from another business trip, I travel enough for work that I know some of the TSA agents better than my friends. I feel bad for many of them; it’s a hard, stressful job. If they screw up, bad things can happen. If they don’t screw up, bad things can still happen and they will be scrutinized and blamed. With all the recent press about pat downs and body scans, I became irritated. I question the effectiveness of some of these measures, but I appreciate that there is a group of people trying to keep us safe within the constraints of our justice system. I am going to spare you my diatribe on why we can’t fight terrorists when we play by different rules… I would rather be a little inconvenienced and live to bitch about it than be a victim. So let me provide a mother’s reality check on airport security:
- A pat down is nothing to me. I have kids pawing at me all day. I have had strangers watch me give birth. I have had lactation consultants man handle my lady lumps. You want to pat me down? Knock yourself out. I am sorry if you get peanut butter on your hands, my kids accosted me before I left for the airport.
- Body scanners are the least of my worries. I dodge Nerf bullets, have my feet taken out by moving furniture and am exposed to entirely too many loud noises. A little radiation sounds like a picnic. My lack of sleep is a much bigger threat to my health. As far as the modesty goes – see number one. And here’s a newsflash – my anatomy is the same as every other female. And right now that anatomy is intact, without bullet holes or damage from bombs.
- Don’t blame the agent. Being jerky to a TSA agent is like being a jerk to a kid. It’s not their fault. TSA agents just follow orders. Kids are just a product of their parents (which explains SO much about my children)! Let’s follow the Golden Rule people!
- An ounce of prevention… This is a common phrase to explain that being proactive is worth it. If one extra kid lives from wearing a bike helmet, it was worth it. If one extra terrorist is stopped by the scans and pat down, it was worth it.
- Being half dressed is normal. Many people complain about stripping off belts, shoes and coats. Mothers are having a good day if that is all they’re missing.
A final suggestion: Let my kids run airport security. Terrorists would take one look at my diabolical children and surrender!
What do you think about airport security?
Don't worry, it's a Nerf gun...
Quotes for My Kids’ Weddings
One of may favorite bloggers Ironic Mom does Whiteboard Wednesday posts where she talks about something she has said to her kids that sounds bizarre when taken out of context. Reading her weekly quotes has made me more cognizant of things I say to my own children.
I realized tonight, not only is it fun to pay attention to these funny moments, but these quotes could be great embarrassment when each of my children get married. (Yes, I am THAT Mom). So today I am providing an entry for the list of quotes I will say at my daughter’s wedding.
My three-year old has developed this habit of torture where she poops at 9:00 every night. At 7:30, we take her to the bathroom, read her a book (or four) and put her to bed. After both kids are in bed, my husband and I try to catch up on work… or internet surfing. Inevitably, my daughter interrupts my productivity by getting out of bed and announcing she has to poop. It does not matter if she pooped at dinnertime, bedtime or both. My husband and I are convinced that she saves some poop to use as an excuse to get out of bed!
Last night was no different. As I was trying to work (aka party on Twitter) my daughter strolled into my room announcing she had to poop. My husband is already spared this interruption because his office is at the other end of the house (I am sure he planned that!). It is also because he recently said she was faking it and sent her to bed, only to discover she was telling the truth and was taking a long time because it was hurting. She didn’t have a bladder infection, but rather a minor irritation. But it did require me to do one those “only a parent job” of holding a wipe on her to soothe the stinging. When I did this she pee’d on my hand! I couldn’t get upset and simply washed my hand MULTIPLE TIMES! (This tangent is important, read on…)
Last night, my little diva sat on the potty for at least 15 minutes singing, talking to me or talking to her imaginary friends (she has almost as many as I do!). I finally go in the bathroom to try and hurry her up and she asks me to hold a wipe on her bottom so she can poop without it hurting. That’s when I am compelled to say:
“You can’t poop on my hand!
She may have had some discomfort pooping, but that is where I draw the line. She is going to need a higher paid ass butler for that task!
What weird things have you done for your kids? Or what thing have you said that would sound strange without (or even with!) context?
Remember, the more comments I get, the less off-balance I think I am…
She's laughing because she has an ass butler!
Pay It Forward
Slightly Off-Balance 
