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WHOSE Back-To-School Night?
I attended back to school night this evening for my son’s elementary school. Most people think the name comes from children returning to school and parents spending the evening learning about their new teachers and programs. Those people are wrong. I am here to tell you it is called back-to school-night because you personally feel like you are back in school. Here is my evidence:
- You try to carpool so you don’t show up to a large group of people by yourself
- You’re afraid to be late and make a bad first impression with the teacher
- If someone walks into the classroom late, they look flustered and quickly spout apologies and excuses
- In between sessions, you quickly try to find your friends so you’re not standing by yourself
- You spend this time comparing teachers and even sharing a few urban legends/ gossip about the faculty
- There is a rebel group that skips the general session where attendance is not noted
If you’re still not convinced that some parents digress to college students themselves. Here are some direct quotes from the evening:
- “I knew I should have brought margaritas…”
- “Don’t tell my husband I left back to school night early to go get a drink with the girls.”
- “So I was picking up a tequila bottle off my bedroom floor this morning…”
Finally, I attended an “after-party” aka drinks with a few girlfriends where the following statements were made:
- “So you’re basically drinking straight vodka?” “No, they shake it with ice, so little molecules of water get in there too.”
- “I won’t look so sophisticated drinking this martini when I hit the second one.”
- “Shoot, get the check, I promised I would be home by 7:30!”
So you tell me, was I at back to school night as a parent or reliving my days of youth? Either way, I balanced informative with fun!
What kind of apple should I bring the teacher?
My Underwear Isn’t Always Sexy…
and 9 other things that have changed since becoming a mom.
Kids change your life – that will not surprise anyone. They unequivocably impact it for the better. Their unconditional love, wonderment and laughter are gifts to any parent. However, there are few changes in my life that are less desirable. After being a mother for six years, I do not notice the changes very often, but when you notice one, the others become apparent as well.
For me it started with getting dressed this morning. Since I am not still not feeling well, I was looking for something comfy to put on. I reached in the underwear drawer and pulled out a pair that screamed comfort – blue cotton ‘full-butt’. Without thinking I started to cut the fraying elastic band pieces before putting them on. I laughed and thought, ‘oh yeah, my husband bought me new underwear for Christmas and told me to THROW THESE OUT’! So of course, I put them on. The thing is, I don’t wear sexy underwear everyday anymore because comfort and function are more important and, newsflash, I don’t have sex everyday anymore. Hmm, not every week either… This got me to thinking about a few more changes:
- I don’t buy nice furniture. The day I had kids was the day I stopped spending money on furniture they would destroy. When they are older, I will replace the battle weary stuff, but for now, I don’t want to stress over them using the dining room table as a percussion section.
- I think twice about hangovers. Going out on a Saturday night is all fun and games until you have a 3-year-old and 6-year-old that want to have a 7:00 am dance party!
- I shop at Marshalls, Ross and the like. I was a Nordstrom girl before kids and now I just want what’s cheap, especially for my stain attracting kids. My son is the oldest and he had a bunch of Ralph Lauren baby clothes, now he gets Costco and sometimes Wal-Mart.
- I shower at odd hours. I always sleep until at least my kids wake me up (sometime longer thanks to my sweet husband) so I usually have to jump and go into mom or work mode. I try to be showered by 2:00 pm everyday…
- I look for the “clean version” on i-tunes. Once you have been asked, “Mommy, what’s a hoe?”, you realize it’s time to edit the playlists!
- Date nights come dangerously close to urban myth. Not only do you have to get a sitter, etc, you have to not be exhausted from working and parenting to enjoy said date night. The showering and underwear issues have to be taken into account…
- You start to belive in conspiracy theories. For example, I am positive that my kids strategize at night to determine who will wake me and my husband up at what time during the night. They have a beautifully orchestrated plan that gets us up every two hours, yet they pull 10 hours of sleep per night.
- You feel like you’re having sex in your parents house. You never know when a little one is going to come in your room, even if you think they’re sound asleep. Everyone gets signed up for therapy when you hear “Daddy, are you hurting mommy?”
How has your life changed?
10 Declarations From My Kids
As I mentioned yesterday, I love lists and have a few forming in my head about my kids. As the saying goes, kids say the darndest things. My kids are no exception. Sometimes they stop me in my tracks with their insight or absurdity. They make me laugh, scream and cry with their remarks. Here is a list of my favorites:
- Mom, I think the Grinch is mean because he has no friends. So I’ll be his friend and then he will be nice.
- Mommy, if I use my magic wand, I can turn my vagina into a penis
- I like red wine better than white
- Mom, do you think I can have a playdate at charity’s house so I can play with my old toys?
- Thank you for a magical day mommy.
- She scratched me because I stopped her from trying to go tell on me.
- Mommy, I put all my stuffed animals in your bed so you would feel better
- Fuck this game*
- Don’t tell me I can’t marry my brother
- No fair that there is a mother’s day and father’s day, what about kids day?! (Everyday is kids day in this house!)
What is the funniest, craziest or most heart-warming thing your child has said?
*When my son was about 3 1/2 we were playing a board game and he was losing. He dropped the F-bomb to the shock of my husband and I. We quickly explained that his language was not okay and asked where did he hear that. He looked innocently at my husband and said, “From you dad, you say it all the time”! My husband was practically crying, trying to suppress his laughter, he was also impressed that our son had used it in the proper context.
10 Things I’ve Said As A Parent
I can’t sleep, I thought I had solved my frequent insomnia with an herbal sleeping pill, apparently my body has caught on and it may be time for the big guns. As I laid in bed trying to sleep, I was thinking about how much my kids make me crazy, the weird things I say as a parent and why I love them so much. For those of you that know me, you know I love spreadsheets and lists, so here you go, my first parenting list – 10 Things I Have Said As A Parent.
Warning: more to come…
- Get the chair off your head!
- How many did you flush?
- You went pee where?!
- The bathtub is not a water slide!
- If you have 6 more bites of chicken, you can try mommy’s wine.
- Untie your sister, it’s time for dinner.
- We do not put things in our bottoms.
- No sweet girl, you will never have a penis, not even if you have a magic wand
- If this plane had a parachute…
- Please God, keep them safe
I am going to try to get some sleep, what have you said as a parent?
A Quick Sweets Update
I am still in a bet with my friend, I still have not had sweets. He called three times yesterday begging for chew, when I said no, he resorted to trying to get me to eat sweets. When that didn’t work he explained why I was going to lose the bet, hmmm… not likely. He’s a trainwreck, this should be an easy victory.
Well, I have a new problem. One of my friends, Sasha (names have been changed to protect the truly nuts), thinks the bet is dumb. She is coming over later and is bringing dessert. SHE DOESN”T EVEN LIKE SWEETS! She’s doing it just to make it hard on me. Her and my husband are conspiring and he is now talking about making his famous chocolate soufflé – Really!? But I will not give in, I will win this bet, I will exercise will power. Why, because I am stubborn and my dessert toting friend, Sasha, is crazy (said with love). This isn’t about helping my friend quit chewing anymore. Now it’s a grudge match. It’s me against the world. Am I pointlessly depriving myself of one of my passions? Maybe. Am I taking this too far and being over dramatic – absolutely! But I am having fun and laughing hard and that is more therapeutic than sweets – at least that is what I am telling myself.
One last thought, when the best is over, I am going to face first into anything sweet. I might even try bacon ice cream that Jen at My Morning Chocolate has been experimenting with. Or, I might just get an IV of Hershey’s syrup and cut to the chase.
It’s Worth It
I often share the chaotic, stressful or funny parts of having kids. But every so often I have to state the obvious bottom line: they are worth every wrinkle, headache and bloody lip. One cuddle, ‘I love you’ or cute little saying is the reason I enjoy being a mom over anything in the world. I came across this video that sums it up so beautifully (and with humor) that I had to share:
Can I Shower with You?
Sometimes the simplest things in life can cause the most chaos. For me it was my morning shower. Okay, I am lying, my mid-morning shower. I had to squeeze in a quick rinse off between conference calls as usual.
Whoever did the plumbing on my house was abusing his vices, aka was on drugs! The faucets in our showers our reversed (if it says hot, it’s cold). Our master shower does not heat up unless you turn on the bathtub hot water first. None of these problems are new, just something we have learned to live with, until my kids got involved…
The hot and cold labels on our bathtub faucet handles fall off, and I am constantly putting them back on. – It’s on the honey-do (or should I say, honey-pay-someone-to-do list), but that’s a whole separate blog post. apparently my kids think these faucet labels are fun toys…
At 9:50 this morning I go running into my bathroom to rinse off before my 10:00 conference call. I turn on the hot water in the bathtub and wait for it to warm up – once it warms up, I can turn on the shower… I wait and it’s still cold, I am watching the clock tick towards 10 and still nothing. I finally think, which one is really the hot… I have to call my husband and ask him which faucet is the hot (because of course he knows without the labels, and I never pay attention to these things). He confirms that my little angels have switched the labels.
It is now 9:55, I switch the labels, turn on the hot water in the bath, wait for it to warm up then wait for my shower to warm up. I set yet another world record for showering and shaving and make my call by 10:02. Females really need more time to get ready than this!
These are the little things that contribute to my chaos. Thank God I work from home and don’t use video conferencing. I am may be mostly clean, but I look more like the plumber!
Pay It Forward
Slightly Off-Balance 