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I CHOOSE To Love
In a recent post, I talked about I feel kids help my marriage. This may seem unusual to some, but I truly believe I can choose my perspective and response to life. Not every day is magic and love. I break under pressure, I consider sending my kids off to the circus and my husband to Antarctica, but I make choices. I chose to have kids and I choose to focus on the positive.
My husband and I did a couples counseling weekend before we got married and they said you will not be in love with your partner through your whole marriage, some days you will have to use your resolve and choose to love. I choose to love on the tough days. When I want to unleash my completely unbalanced side on my husband, I make a conscious decision to love him. I definitely do not feel in love with him at that moment, but I remind myself that our relationship is deeper than that. My choice to love him is what carries me through until I feel “in love” again. I know that life is full of ups and downs. I use the ups to get me through the downs. I am confident that each chapter in my life will be different. I also now have a clever way of telling him I am angry with him the kids are present – when he hears me say “I am choosing to love you”, he knows he has set off my crazy side!
I used my “choose to love mantra” with a friend yesterday. She was having one of those days, she was arguing with her husband in front of her kids. She was at her wit’s end and didn’t provide the normal explanation to her kids that mommies and daddies fight, but still love each other. Instead, she had that moment where her head may have been capable of spinning around on her neck and she was driving the anger train! She needed fresh perspective. I reminded her that she has the ability to choose to love him.
– On a side note, imagine how annoying it must be to have a friend like me who interjects positivity and “choose to love” mantras when you’re pissed off and ready to come unglued. Maybe it’s not my advice that helps, but rather that her husband seems like a better ally then my Little Mary Sunshine personality (reminder: I have several personalities).
Back to the point – I believe that my marriage is strengthened by weathering the rocky periods. I look back on the ten years of my marriage and they haven’t all been as good as this one and I know there will be rough years in the future, but I’d rather be tested and pass than keep my marriage in a bubble. It’s a lot of work to choose happiness, positivity and love. It’s also a lot of work to be friends with me, but I have to hope that there is some goodness in both.
I Have Mold In My Shower and Other Confessions
I like to quote the Wizard in the “The Wizard of Oz” when he says, “Don’t look behind the curtain”. For me that means I usually appear to have it together, but it’s typically held together with scotch tape and dental floss.
I was reminded of my wizard mantra yesterday when my friend and I agreed we were ‘going to pull it together’. You know, the day where you vow to catch up on everything. Why do we set such lofty goals?! So I went for it. I am 90% caught up on work, filled out my daughter’s preschool paperwork (that was due weeks ago), worked on a birthday present for a friend, blah, blah, blah.
I am really proud of myself. I started congratulating myself on being amazing until I looked behind my curtain…
- I picked up my house and cleaned my stove, but there is mold in the shower
- I fed my kids dinner BEFORE soccer practice, but it was a microwave meal
- I arranged to take a family with a new baby dinner tomorrow, but I went store-bought instead of homemade
- I did the grocery shopping, by putting a fake meeting on my work calendar
- I had to put my friend’s son’s first day of school in my calendar so I wouldn’t forget to ask how it went on the correct day
- I took my FIRST shower for the “day” at 10:00 pm
I also have a few standing tricks I pull to appear more together than I am:
- I use dry shampoo so I don’t have to wash and style my hair as often
- I have big drawers behind cabinet doors where I store all the kids toys at night
- I keep a stash of cards, presents and wrapping paper so I don’t show up without a gift (because I am not organized enough to mail birthday cards)
- I have dimmer switches on my lights so you can’t see the dust if you come to my house for dinner
Now, I could easily say that I work smarter, not harder (with the exception of the mold in the shower) but the point is, we all do the best we can. We can usually make things livable, but rarely perfect. I did not write this list to put myself down, but rather to keep a firm grip on reality. I can only do what I can do and it is what it is. (Yes, I am going for a cliché record). If my shower was mold free (it will be Thursday) and the meals were homemade, I would be even more off-balance than I already am.
Therefore, I am celebrating the chaos behind the curtain! Please join me in this celebration and share your tricks for keeping it together or giving the appearance that you have it together.
Don't Look Behind The Curtain
A Quick Sweets Update
I am still in a bet with my friend, I still have not had sweets. He called three times yesterday begging for chew, when I said no, he resorted to trying to get me to eat sweets. When that didn’t work he explained why I was going to lose the bet, hmmm… not likely. He’s a trainwreck, this should be an easy victory.
Well, I have a new problem. One of my friends, Sasha (names have been changed to protect the truly nuts), thinks the bet is dumb. She is coming over later and is bringing dessert. SHE DOESN”T EVEN LIKE SWEETS! She’s doing it just to make it hard on me. Her and my husband are conspiring and he is now talking about making his famous chocolate soufflé – Really!? But I will not give in, I will win this bet, I will exercise will power. Why, because I am stubborn and my dessert toting friend, Sasha, is crazy (said with love). This isn’t about helping my friend quit chewing anymore. Now it’s a grudge match. It’s me against the world. Am I pointlessly depriving myself of one of my passions? Maybe. Am I taking this too far and being over dramatic – absolutely! But I am having fun and laughing hard and that is more therapeutic than sweets – at least that is what I am telling myself.
One last thought, when the best is over, I am going to face first into anything sweet. I might even try bacon ice cream that Jen at My Morning Chocolate has been experimenting with. Or, I might just get an IV of Hershey’s syrup and cut to the chase.
I Will Not Shoot The Birds.. today
I have been quiet for a few days. I had high hopes for this week after I cancelled my business trip. I imagined a week where I got caught up on work, relaxed with my family, got re-acquainted with the gym and snuck in a cocktail with the girls. Clearly part of the problem was my expectations! I had put too much on my list for a week where the reality is I have performance reviews to write, a tough deal to try to close and normal life chaos. Then I got a cold.
I realize that a little cough is no big deal. But have you ever noticed how when you feel crappy, your perspective on life can get crappy. I think this is some sort of cold/flu because I have had a pounding headache and body aches too. I feel like I went slam dancing all night, then did a sunrise bungee jump, then got hit by a truck! Okay, maybe there’s no flu, maybe it’s because I have sat at my desk working long hours when I really just wanted to call in sick. I thought about it; fantasized about taking a sick day, watching movies in bed, reading and sleeping. Sounds like heaven right? But life doesn’t stop for a cold. The kids still tackle me like little linebackers, scream at the top of their lungs and want me to do normal mom stuff. Work is even less understanding. Don’t get me wrong, my boss would understand, but the to-do list would remain.
I was really driving the pity party bus this morning. My son came in my office and asked me to play with him. In a whining voice I hate to admit I possess, I said “Mommy is working, mommy HAS to work.” My son replied with “that’s no fun”. Thanks for the news flash! I was spinning on the thoughts of ‘wouldn’t I love to enjoy the summer days with my kids, escape the stress of work, not sit at my desk until I feel like a stiff old lady’. Of course!
Then I made a CHOICE to stop the pity party. I found a 30 minute break in my conference call schedule, grabbed my shoes and went for a walk. I cranked my i-pod and soaked up the sunshine. I reminded myself how fortunate I am that I work from home, have healthy, wonderful children, a great husband and amazing friends. I have a saying that I use when one of my friends is having a bad day: “The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, so I shot them” (Relax, it’s a metaphor, no need to call PETA). Meaning, sometimes we just want to wallow in a bad day until we’re ready to be optimists again. Well, the sun IS shining and the birds are safe for today!
This is a great reminder, that I can influence balance in my life, I can choose my perspective and how I react to the normal events in life. I can let the birds live and enjoy their singing – it drowns out my cough!
The Vice Exchange
My name is Paige and I am a sweets-aholic…
I have a friend who is trying to give up chewing tobacco and I always love a bet. We agreed that he wouldn’t chew and I wouldn’t eat any sweets (had I suffered a major head injury when I thought this was a good idea?!)
The deal is that whoever caves first buys the other a bottle of Jager (we both love Jagermeister) – which in itself is ironic, willpower to avoid a vice is rewarded with another vice. Hmmm….
It is day three of this bet and I am a wreck! I didn’t take the bet because I am a good friend and want to help him kick is chew habit (although that is what I said)- I took the bet to break my own sweets habits with the hope of dropping a couple of pounds. I must digress for a second – summer is the time when I want to look my best for bikinis on the boat, but I gain the most weight because of the numerous social events that involve beers, blended drinks and other delights!
Anyways, I thought the bet would force me to stay off the sweets. I am a very competitive person and care more about the bragging rights of winning a bet than anything else. The problem is that if you remove one vice from someone slightly off-balance like me, another vice or vices (yes, that is plural) must be introduced. To kill the sweets craving I have tried beer, Captain Morgan (who am I kidding, I ‘d drink those anyways! ) and my new Three Amigos – Freetos, Cheetos and Cheesits! I need an INTERVENTION! My daughter had oreo crumbs on her cheeks and my first instinct was to lick her clean! I smelled my kids’ candy basket yesterday. I am salivating just writing about sweets!Seriously – it’s bad, I’m bad. Where was I, chocolate… no…, cookies… no…, oh yeah, vices!
If you’re vice isn’t harmful, disgusting or mean just keep it! You may find that getting rid of it is more damaging than giving in – that’s what I am learning! So my friend is dealing with the lack of chew by eating sweets (I hate him) and his suggestion was that I should chew to kill the sweets craving. How’s that for rational?! Keep your vice, it’s better for you. Keep your vice, it loves you. Keep your vice, all your friends are keeping theirs. Keep your vice to avoid the dreaded effects of vice exchange!
Finally, if my train of thought is hard to follow – blame it on the lack of sugar!
A Real Mom’s Schedule
I often make lists of the goals I want to accomplish for the day and set up a schedule to get everything on the list done. I think that if I reach all my goals, I will get some time to relax and find balance…
I then realize the absurdity of my goals and the fact that the list ensures NO balance! What mother of two young children, working or not, is all caught up and has a moment to relax?! We don’t catch up while are kids are still young, just the way we don’t sleep through the night! So the goal is not checking everything off, but rather prioritizing the list. In my true OCD fashion I have devised a plan to accomplish a few things, while maintaining balance. This is my list (followed be a few revisions in italics) for tomorrow:
- Rise at 6:30 am, eat a healthy breakfast, shower before the kids get up, check Facebook Wake up when the kids wake me up because I will stay up too late tonight working and catching up on Tivo
- Snuggle with my kids until yoga Put the kids in my bed and let them watch a movie while I snuggle and try to sleep until 7:50 then park them in front of a movie so I can get in a half-ass shower where I sort-of shave my legs
- Cancel my 8:00 am conference call so I can do the 8:00 yoga class at the gym Who am I kidding, I have to be on that conference call! Plus, I can’t remember how to get to the gym…
- Attend 8:00 am meeting Call in for meeting at 8:10 because I have to jump out of the shower with conditioner in my hair and shaving cream on my legs to break up the kids fight over what movie to watch, tracking soap and shaving cream through my bedroom and almost slipping on the bathroom tile
- Get dressed and put on make-up during my 9:00 call Start my 9:00 meeting in my bathrobe with wet hair, eat off my kids breakfast plates, with my work phone on mute.
- Meetings from 8-5. While on these conference calls, I will try to get work done, keep up on email, write thank you notes, fold laundry. Get dressed and do my makeup. Experience has taught me to mind the headset cord on my work phone when trying to put my shirt on!
- 5:00 Throw my air-dried lion’s mane in a messy chic pony tail
- 5:05 Help get the kids ready for dinner and leave for sushi with the girls at 5:15. Kiss my kids and husband and leave early so I can have a drink with my girlfriends before dinner
- 8:00 Return home in time to kiss the kids goodnight and start working.
- 8:30 Return from sushi after the kids are in bed so I can avoid the battle, will sit in my girlfriend’s car gossiping to kill time if necessary
- Clean out my closet, finish my work from the day Realize I am tipsy, skip cleaning the closet and turn off my laptop to avoid saying anything inappropriate on work email
You may be asking yourself – how this is balance? I may not get as much done with the revised schedule, but I’ll have more fun!
Suggestions to the schedule accepted! 😉
Big Confession
Are you ready…
I have a psychic.
I have never believed in these things until a dear friend referred me to this psychic. I have spoken to her twice in the last 4 years and she predicted my daughter’s birth down to a description of her and her personality. She predicted my friend’s twins and other things that one could not be vague enough to guess. She’s the real deal. It drives my husband insane – an admitted side benefit 😉 but even he knows she hasn’t been wrong.
I share this because I am a little intuitive (or just another symptom of the craziness) and I feel like something really exciting is brewing in my life and I want my psychic to give me details. I was always the kid that tried to find or guess my presents and if I feel like something good is going to happen, I want to know already!!
So why haven’t I called? I am trying to practice patience and live in the now. I get very focused on goals and the future and am training myself to not miss the present. This is part of balance for me. Live in the present, enjoy my friends and family more and appreciate my blessed life. Instead of working after dinner tonight, like I always do, I built Lincoln Logs (and knocked them down!) with my kids. I skipped a meeting to have lunch with a friend this week – it felt great! I am taking a day off next week to take my kids to visit their godmother/my childhood friend that I don’t see as much as I’d like to. I am not abandoning my job, but I am putting more emphasis on the things that really matter. When I look back in 20 years am I going to remember the deal I closed or the cherished time with loved ones? This also means whatever good thing is coming will get here when it’s time and I will love what’s here now.
For those that know me well, there is a distinct possibility that I will blog about a call with my psychic next week, but I am trying and will be honest if my inner child wins…
Friends and Bars
Friends are like a well stocked bar. A well stocked bar provides variety to suit your moods. A crazy girls weekend calls for shots, a quiet night at home- a glass of wine, a Friday afternoon – margaritas. Friends are similar. Playdate mommies, co-workers and book club ladies all bring a different perspective and provide a different kid of fun or enrichment. Friends can also cause hangovers in excess. Good friends also get better with age and lousy friends turn to vinegar over time.
They key to balance is learning over time which friends cause hangovers and should be enjoyed in moderation, which ones to invest heavily in because they will age and which ones will turn to vinegar and should be dumped. It’s a simple theory, but tough in practice. It took me years to realize spiced rum is the only drink I can do all day and that sugary drinks will lead to a hangover every time. It’s even harder to acknowledge a toxic friend or ones that are deceivingly sweet. I have been paying attention to my little voice lately and am starting to catalog my friends the way I do my bar. This allows me to prioritize my time and surround myself with top shelf friends.
I feel very blessed to have a diverse group of friends and a well stocked bar! What defines your top shelf or prized vintage friend?
Pay It Forward
Slightly Off-Balance 
