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10 Reasons My Kids Help My Marriage
Today is my 10th wedding anniversary. Please send sympathy cards to my husband. 😉 I have discussed how I miss my husband even though we live in the same house as a result of having the chaos of kids. But today I am reflecting, and appreciating, all of the gifts my children bring to my marriage. Many of you know I love lists, so here we go:
- The kids unite us in a common cause of being great parents. We both try hard and work at it together.
- They keep us young (out of self-preservation) with sports, bike rides and play time.
- Our kids provide us endless goals to satisfy our achievement oriented personalities. Celebrating those milestones as a family brings my husband and I closer together.
- They can make our sex life risky and exciting. In other words the threat of them walking in at any minute.
- They keep us from taking life too seriously. Who can be stoic when your kids are showing you their latest dance moves?!
- They provide another reason not to walk out when the going gets tough.
- They are constant reminders of unconditional love – both giving and receiving.
- When we’re engaged in a battle of wills with our kids and my husband is my only ally, it makes our bond stronger.
- I see the best parts of him in them and it reminds me of why I fell in love.
- I can fall in love all over again watching my husband be a tender, nurturing father.
My husband and I don’t always agree about the kids. AKA he is Disney Dad and I am the enforcer, we balance each other out and keep each other sane. Our kids will always test our patience, conviction and physical endurance. The rewards of passing those tests are endless love, laughter and joy.
Sorry Work, It’s The First Day of School
My son started first grade today. My husband and I got early to prepare. He made my son breakfast, packed his lunch and got him dressed. I primped. The first day of school is the one day a year I don’t roll up in my pajamas, work-out clothes or a combination thereof looking like a hot mess. Why? First day of school pictures silly! Then years from now we can look back at the pictures and tell the tale that I was June Cleaver and Donna Reed all wrapped up in one. The only difference, I also work full-time.
Speaking of work – fat chance of getting ANY productivity out of me today! Yes, school started at 8:00, but I have a whole first day routine: After we walked him in, found his seat, took more pictures and kissed up to the teacher, we then we did mommy (and daddy) mingling. Then we came home and I pretended to be a stay at home mom for a few minutes – I emptied the dishwasher, picked up the house and started breakfast. (Not my normal morning routine.) Then I checked the dismissal schedule – it’s different in first grade than it was in kindergarten. Uh-oh – I have a meeting during pick-up time. Well that meeting is CANCELLED.
You might be asking yourself, seriously, why can’t you work until pick-up and then once you bring him home? Hello… when I pick him up, I MUST take him out for frozen yogurt and hear about his day. As to why I can’t work until then, I will be too busy thinking about how fast he’s growing up and wondering if he’s having a good day. I will call my girlfriends and see how their mornings went and how they are feeling about another milestone. Yes, I really can waste a whole day doing this!
So if anyone at work is looking for me – good luck! My baby started 1st grade today and I am playing the role of June Cleaver!
Raising Risk-Takers
As I shared, my kids learn to water ski this weekend. It seems normal for my 6-year old son, but a little insane for my 3-year old daughter. As we were getting my little girl all geared up, my friend said, ‘Are you sure about this? Is this safe?’. I love that my friend raised the question. I was anxious and apprehensive, but I also am trying to balance raising my kids safely with raising them to be overly fearful.
I am not a risk-taker. I have grown up afraid of heights, spiders, sharks, snakes, pain and cheap hotels. 😉 I was a picky eater and missed out on some great food until I was older. I have never broken a bone because I didn’t do things that are dangerous enough to cause broken bones (knock on wood). My friends tease me because I was the only one who wore a life jacket through our whole drunken rafting trip (another story). Interestingly, I have gotten braver as I have gotten older, but now I feel a sense of responsibility to be alive and in one piece for the sake of my children. So as twisted as this may sound, I would rather have my kids take risks when they’re younger (not 3 of course) and enjoy life to the fullest before they have families of their own.
So everyday I force myself outside my comfort zone to raise my kids to try new activities, foods and experiences. I want them to live their lives as they choose, as oppose to the way that will keep my heart beating normal. Does this mean I am signing the little darlings up for bungee-jumping? Not yet. But if they ask to take part in an activity that other kids do, I will take all reasonable precautions and tell them to go big. My son started snow-skiing at 3, with a helmet. He rides a dirt bike with full pads, helmet and a governor switch for the speed. He waterskiis, with a life jacket. And if my daughter wants to do all those things too (she absolutely does!) she can when I can provide a reasonable amount of precautions (aka she can reach the brakes!).
Did I wake up one day, make this choice and stick to it? No way! In fact, I still have room to further push out the old fearful Paige. My oldest never ate off the floor or had any bruises because I was so careful. But as he got older, I saw him becoming needlessly fearful of certain things and decided to try to turn it around. My youngest dare-devil diva is a good test of my boundaries and pushes her brother too. She proudly displays new bumps and bruises every week. So I often have to bite my tongue when my son and his friends are wrestling and close my eyes when they jump off the fourth stair. It’s not easy, but I think I am giving them the gift of a living a life full of experiences. I am teaching them how to look at a situation and see if they can make it safe enough. They may learn some lessons and get some bumps along the way, but then they can choose what to do from there.
Despite the fact that my friends will tell you I am a safety nut and do not take risks with my children, my views on parenting may not be widely agreed upon. If you’re one of those people who would rather keep their children away from dirt bikes, boats and rope swings and send them to school in bubble wrap, your opinions are truly welcome here. Each of us, as parents, has to go on their gut and live within their comfort zone.
For me, I am not going to keep my children in a bubble, I am going pay my health insurance premium just in case we need stitches or a cast and I am going to tell my kids to try new things (as long as they are not things sold on a street corner). As they get older I might even tell them it’s okay to jump off the bridge into the lake when no one is looking as long as they wear a life jacket…
Dressed and ready for school!
Always Bet on the Crazy Mama Bear
Wow, I had an amazing weekend house boating with my kids! I did as I said I would in my last post and ENJOYED them. There were moments when it was tough and my friend Stacey would remind me that I used to want 4 kids… (yes, I was crazy). But overall it was a great weekend and both of my kids got up on skis! There are lots of silly stories I could share, but instead I am going to warn you of the dangers of a mama bear…
No, I don’t mean something as harmless as a female grizzly bear, I am referring to ME, I am much scarier if your actions threaten the safety of my children. I also have a small tendency to over-react (my husband would argue it’s a major tendency) when it comes to the safety of my kids. So what would you do in this situation?:
We are sitting on the houseboat Saturday morning, parked in a cove. We look up and see a man of about 60 with a dirty t-shirt, board shorts and one-flip flop (we nicknamed him the uni-flopper) carrying a leather laptop bag, come out of the forest and start scaling down the hillside towards the water. As we sip our morning coffee, we watch him leave his bag on the shore and swim towards our boat WHERE OUR KIDS OUR SWIMMING. The “fur” on the back of my neck stands up and I tell the kids to swim over to the other side of the houseboat and swim next to my ski boat. The husbands come out. Papa Bears are deadly, but not as crazy as Mama Bears. (My friend Marilyn says you should always bet on crazy in a fight.) I check to make sure the keys to my ski boat are in the ignition and I decide, if need be, I can have the kids out of there in under 10 seconds, 15 if I reverse over the uni-flopper with my spinning prop. Yes, I would.
Uni-flopper swims up and asks to use a cell phone. He explained that he had too much tequila the night before, got in a fight with his wife and wandered off. He’s now somewhat lost and trying to get back to his houseboat. Let’s pause to give uni-flopper credit for being so drunk he wanders into a forest filled with bears, BUT remembers his laptop bag (We all wonder what was really in that bag…)! We called the sheriff who came out and picked up uni-flopper, and his laptop bag, to take him off to find his wife. Imagine that conversation…
The point is the uni-flopper is lucky to be alive. Getting through a night in the forest is cool, but surviving swimming up to my kids and my friends’ kids is a feat. I would also like to say congratulations to the jet skiers who had the good sense to give my waterskiing 3-year old a wide berth. Had you gotten closer, I would have chased you down and sunk your jet ski.
Other mama bear recognition goes to my three friends who I forced to wear life jackets with me in case we ALL had to dive in if my daughter fell and looked scared. Finally, thank you to my husband who had the extreme responsibility of towing my three-year old and ‘allegedly’ got yelled out to get there faster when she fell and momentarily got her foot stuck in the ski. She was calm and fine, I was perched on the side of the boat to dive in while simultaneously calling the national guard!
My theory is that one of the motherly hormones also allows women to change from average female to deadly predator. I know I have the potential to go from law-abiding citizen to vigilante killer in under a moment. At 5’5” and a small frame, I may not look menacing, but remember, you should always bet on crazy…
My Underwear Isn’t Always Sexy…
and 9 other things that have changed since becoming a mom.
Kids change your life – that will not surprise anyone. They unequivocably impact it for the better. Their unconditional love, wonderment and laughter are gifts to any parent. However, there are few changes in my life that are less desirable. After being a mother for six years, I do not notice the changes very often, but when you notice one, the others become apparent as well.
For me it started with getting dressed this morning. Since I am not still not feeling well, I was looking for something comfy to put on. I reached in the underwear drawer and pulled out a pair that screamed comfort – blue cotton ‘full-butt’. Without thinking I started to cut the fraying elastic band pieces before putting them on. I laughed and thought, ‘oh yeah, my husband bought me new underwear for Christmas and told me to THROW THESE OUT’! So of course, I put them on. The thing is, I don’t wear sexy underwear everyday anymore because comfort and function are more important and, newsflash, I don’t have sex everyday anymore. Hmm, not every week either… This got me to thinking about a few more changes:
- I don’t buy nice furniture. The day I had kids was the day I stopped spending money on furniture they would destroy. When they are older, I will replace the battle weary stuff, but for now, I don’t want to stress over them using the dining room table as a percussion section.
- I think twice about hangovers. Going out on a Saturday night is all fun and games until you have a 3-year-old and 6-year-old that want to have a 7:00 am dance party!
- I shop at Marshalls, Ross and the like. I was a Nordstrom girl before kids and now I just want what’s cheap, especially for my stain attracting kids. My son is the oldest and he had a bunch of Ralph Lauren baby clothes, now he gets Costco and sometimes Wal-Mart.
- I shower at odd hours. I always sleep until at least my kids wake me up (sometime longer thanks to my sweet husband) so I usually have to jump and go into mom or work mode. I try to be showered by 2:00 pm everyday…
- I look for the “clean version” on i-tunes. Once you have been asked, “Mommy, what’s a hoe?”, you realize it’s time to edit the playlists!
- Date nights come dangerously close to urban myth. Not only do you have to get a sitter, etc, you have to not be exhausted from working and parenting to enjoy said date night. The showering and underwear issues have to be taken into account…
- You start to belive in conspiracy theories. For example, I am positive that my kids strategize at night to determine who will wake me and my husband up at what time during the night. They have a beautifully orchestrated plan that gets us up every two hours, yet they pull 10 hours of sleep per night.
- You feel like you’re having sex in your parents house. You never know when a little one is going to come in your room, even if you think they’re sound asleep. Everyone gets signed up for therapy when you hear “Daddy, are you hurting mommy?”
How has your life changed?
10 Declarations From My Kids
As I mentioned yesterday, I love lists and have a few forming in my head about my kids. As the saying goes, kids say the darndest things. My kids are no exception. Sometimes they stop me in my tracks with their insight or absurdity. They make me laugh, scream and cry with their remarks. Here is a list of my favorites:
- Mom, I think the Grinch is mean because he has no friends. So I’ll be his friend and then he will be nice.
- Mommy, if I use my magic wand, I can turn my vagina into a penis
- I like red wine better than white
- Mom, do you think I can have a playdate at charity’s house so I can play with my old toys?
- Thank you for a magical day mommy.
- She scratched me because I stopped her from trying to go tell on me.
- Mommy, I put all my stuffed animals in your bed so you would feel better
- Fuck this game*
- Don’t tell me I can’t marry my brother
- No fair that there is a mother’s day and father’s day, what about kids day?! (Everyday is kids day in this house!)
What is the funniest, craziest or most heart-warming thing your child has said?
*When my son was about 3 1/2 we were playing a board game and he was losing. He dropped the F-bomb to the shock of my husband and I. We quickly explained that his language was not okay and asked where did he hear that. He looked innocently at my husband and said, “From you dad, you say it all the time”! My husband was practically crying, trying to suppress his laughter, he was also impressed that our son had used it in the proper context.
10 Things I’ve Said As A Parent
I can’t sleep, I thought I had solved my frequent insomnia with an herbal sleeping pill, apparently my body has caught on and it may be time for the big guns. As I laid in bed trying to sleep, I was thinking about how much my kids make me crazy, the weird things I say as a parent and why I love them so much. For those of you that know me, you know I love spreadsheets and lists, so here you go, my first parenting list – 10 Things I Have Said As A Parent.
Warning: more to come…
- Get the chair off your head!
- How many did you flush?
- You went pee where?!
- The bathtub is not a water slide!
- If you have 6 more bites of chicken, you can try mommy’s wine.
- Untie your sister, it’s time for dinner.
- We do not put things in our bottoms.
- No sweet girl, you will never have a penis, not even if you have a magic wand
- If this plane had a parachute…
- Please God, keep them safe
I am going to try to get some sleep, what have you said as a parent?
I Miss My Best Friend
I am a very lucky girl, I have a fantastic circle of friends. Each of my friends are treasured for different reasons, but I have one best friend. The person I tell everything to, without fear of judgement. The one who knows all of my multiple personalities, who understands I am slightly off-balance (sometimes more).
I miss my best friend. I miss the long relaxed dinners, the impromptu cocktails, the inside jokes. I miss the ability to completely focus on each other when we’re together. That time is now filled with work and kids. We’re trying to juggle being high performers (because anyone else collects pink slips) and the worlds best parents (because anyone else raises demons). We try to do the best we can for everyone, everyday and the cost is our friendship. There isn’t time for long relaxing dinners (unless you count chicken nuggets and Capri Sun over the noise of the kids). Impromptu cocktails are doable, but kids have a very low appreciation for hangovers. Inside jokes are replaced by kids humor because we don’t do anything not related to our kids.
What we do get is the bond of being parents, of understanding each others hopes and fears for our children. Will our kids like Kindergarten, will they be good students, will they look both ways when we eventually let them cross the street by themselves – is 25 the right age? 😉
We hope that our friendship will still be there when we come out of the other side of the parenting vacuum. Will we have grown apart? Will we still enjoy each others’ company? We don’t know the answer but we talk about it, we squeeze in the rare time for just the two of us, we promise to keep an eye on our friendship. We know other best friends who haven’t fared as well and we try to learn from them.
My best friend is my husband and we live in the same house.
I Will Not Shoot The Birds.. today
I have been quiet for a few days. I had high hopes for this week after I cancelled my business trip. I imagined a week where I got caught up on work, relaxed with my family, got re-acquainted with the gym and snuck in a cocktail with the girls. Clearly part of the problem was my expectations! I had put too much on my list for a week where the reality is I have performance reviews to write, a tough deal to try to close and normal life chaos. Then I got a cold.
I realize that a little cough is no big deal. But have you ever noticed how when you feel crappy, your perspective on life can get crappy. I think this is some sort of cold/flu because I have had a pounding headache and body aches too. I feel like I went slam dancing all night, then did a sunrise bungee jump, then got hit by a truck! Okay, maybe there’s no flu, maybe it’s because I have sat at my desk working long hours when I really just wanted to call in sick. I thought about it; fantasized about taking a sick day, watching movies in bed, reading and sleeping. Sounds like heaven right? But life doesn’t stop for a cold. The kids still tackle me like little linebackers, scream at the top of their lungs and want me to do normal mom stuff. Work is even less understanding. Don’t get me wrong, my boss would understand, but the to-do list would remain.
I was really driving the pity party bus this morning. My son came in my office and asked me to play with him. In a whining voice I hate to admit I possess, I said “Mommy is working, mommy HAS to work.” My son replied with “that’s no fun”. Thanks for the news flash! I was spinning on the thoughts of ‘wouldn’t I love to enjoy the summer days with my kids, escape the stress of work, not sit at my desk until I feel like a stiff old lady’. Of course!
Then I made a CHOICE to stop the pity party. I found a 30 minute break in my conference call schedule, grabbed my shoes and went for a walk. I cranked my i-pod and soaked up the sunshine. I reminded myself how fortunate I am that I work from home, have healthy, wonderful children, a great husband and amazing friends. I have a saying that I use when one of my friends is having a bad day: “The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, so I shot them” (Relax, it’s a metaphor, no need to call PETA). Meaning, sometimes we just want to wallow in a bad day until we’re ready to be optimists again. Well, the sun IS shining and the birds are safe for today!
This is a great reminder, that I can influence balance in my life, I can choose my perspective and how I react to the normal events in life. I can let the birds live and enjoy their singing – it drowns out my cough!
It’s Worth It
I often share the chaotic, stressful or funny parts of having kids. But every so often I have to state the obvious bottom line: they are worth every wrinkle, headache and bloody lip. One cuddle, ‘I love you’ or cute little saying is the reason I enjoy being a mom over anything in the world. I came across this video that sums it up so beautifully (and with humor) that I had to share:
Pay It Forward
Slightly Off-Balance 