Slightly Off-Balance

The wonderful thing about blogging is that you don’t see me!  This was reinforced when the lovely Kelly at Dances with Chaos bestowed upon me the Stylish Blogger Award.  I assume she must like my style of writing, also known as self deprecation, because if she could actually see me, she would not have used the word stylish – at least on a daily basis.  Perhaps you think I am kidding when I say, I don’t get dressed every day or wash my hair every day.  I am a wreck people!  I need one of those fashion and beauty makeovers.  Hint hint…  I tried to do something new with my hair and my stylist said no, she didn’t think I could handle dramatic change!  My 21-year-old nanny puts together my outfits for important occasions (like leaving the house). 

But enough about my style, or lack thereof.  Let me tell you about Kelly.  Her kids are a little bit younger, but our challenges and fleeting sanity are the same.  I love her combination of photos and witty writing.  She is also the genius who taught me to take pictures of my kids messes so that I don’t kill them.  I guess that also makes her a life saver.

In accepting the Stylish Blogger Award, I am supposed to write seven things you might not know about me:

1. I am usually up for anything – if you can get me out the front door.  I seem to lack initial motivation.  Or the proper shoes.
2. My nickname is the “Hostage Negotiator” or the “Devil’s Advocate”.  In personality assessments its known as the stabilizer.  I think it is just an upside to being a people pleaser, which is not always a good thing.  So I am working on that, you know, pissing people off more and pleasing less. 
3. I am afraid of heights!  As in anything above the second floor.  I tried jumping off a bridge into a lake to cure my fear.  It didn’t help.  At all.
4. I have had melanoma twice and am psychotic about sunscreen.  But I still love all summer and water activities.  And I refuse to wear sun protective clothing.  Because I am so stylish.  Ahem.
5. The best compliment you can give me is to tell me I did something that made you feel good.  Or that you can relate to something I said or wrote. 
6. I hate being cold, but I usually am, and I often over dress for any weather.  And over dress my kids.  Then my husband took away my kid dressing privileges.  This is not related to my lack of style, just my lack of a functioning internal thermostat.
7. I love food, drinks, hula-hooping and mildly inappropriate fun (okay, you probably already knew that about me!)

In order to continue to pay it forward, I must nominate six bloggers for this award.  This is hard because there are so many amazing bloggers that frankly, it’s intimidating.  But here are six bloggers that I feel make me a better writer. 

1. Lori Dyan – Her three-year old rocks the naked style, her 7-year-old might be a genius and I never miss reading what she writes.  She has made me laugh so hard I have pee’d a little.  What?!  I said a little!
2. Ironic Mom – Her motto is “If you can’t laugh at yourself, laugh at your kids”.  She is my favorite brand of “real” mom!
3. A Diary of a Mad Woman – Talk about stylish!  She showed up to a lunch pregnant wearing fabulous red leather boots!  And her writing is as powerful as her shoes.
4. By Any Other Name – Julie is my sister separated at birth.  Her posts are funny, they resonate to the point I think she might be stalking me (and I hope she is) and they come from the heart.
5. The Life of Jamie – She recently referred to her daughter as “The Dirty Little Chapstick Thief” – what more do you need to know?!
6. Working Mom Journal – I am afraid she may be to smart for me – she’s an engineer!  But she is a working mom, wise beyond her years and I suspect she may be stylish too!  She has a refreshing positive perspective and helps keep me balanced!

There you have it – six blogs you need to go read right now!  Why are you still here.  Go read, but come back and visit soon, okay?  Pretty please.

The rules passed on to me say to accept this award you are:

1. Supposed to link back to who nominated you.
2. List seven things we might not know about you.
3. Share the “love” and pay it forward by naming six other blogs you enjoy.

You oohed and awed over the nominations.  You carefully selected your gown and your security guard is watching your precious borrowed jewels – it is finally time.  This year’s Slightly Off-Balance Mother of the Year award is here.  All Mother’s are fabulous, but this year’s nominees are real stand-outs.  They have lied, tricked and mis-led to fulfill the responsibilities of the job.

So, with further ado, I would like to introduce our celebrity guest judge:  Lori from In Pursuit of Martha Points.  I would like to thank Lori for her tireless effort to ensure this was a fair contest, void of bribes and kickbacks.  (The truffles were a coincidence and there is no proof, anymore).  She read, she re-read, she laughed and she almost pee’d her pants.  Take it away Lori…

The competition was fierce. The bribes were tempting. The home-massage and truffles nearly bought the prize.
 
While I was moved by Sarah and Alexandra’s entries, I found myself giggling inappropriately over Elisabeth’s kids ordering chicken nuggets at the bank. Sparrow taking mothering seriously enough to scare her son away from Brittney Spears was compelling. And I’m envious that Life of Jam got the Benadryl trick to work (it only ever wired my son up.)
 
I hope that Karen was able to dispel her guilt (husband birthdays are important!) and that The Mom Next Door rehydrated quickly (and damn…that’s one good, “Special Friend.”) Susie was a close contender with a young child who can cope with the mechanical challenge that is replacing toilet paper. Tracy is raising children advanced in biology,  Amber better send me some chocolate donuts and  Sendie Lou’s daughter is clearly quite empathic with her careful attention to her mother’s elimination habits. And finally, I have some serious respect for Monica’s mom for tricking a teenager into vacuuming.
 
But after much sweating, toiling, rending of garments and drinking of Schnapps, I was able to narrow it down to three finalists.
 
Shan – for accidentally giving her daughter birth control pills.
Jennifer – for trying to make off with a minivan full of someone else’s family
and finally
Kali Capps for: “If you don’t quiet down Mommy might have an aneurysm.”
 
Can I have the envelope please.
 
What do you mean we don’t have an envelope?
 
I can’t WORK under these conditions?
 
Damnit…where’s my filtered water?
 
Ok..WITHOUT the envelope, the winner is…..
 
MOMMY’S ANEURYSM!
 
Cause really, that might explain my sixteen year headache.
 
Congratulations Kali Caps!
 
Contact Paige to complain about the lack of actual prizes. 🙂
 
And thanks to all for letting me play!!
 

Thank you again Lori and congratulations Kali.  Bragging rights and endless fame are now yours!  For those of you who would like to learn more about Kali’s parenting style – she holds court at The Boss of U.  Go celebrate the big win Kali!

I am supposed to announce a winner tomorrow for Mother of the Year Contest, but I am feeling a little behind.  You too?  Good, I was afraid it was just me.  I am postponing this pivotal moment in history until next Tuesday.  This conveniently allows for Halloween-gone-wrong submissions.  So, tell me your worst best.

And what could make this contest even greater???  Clearly, not the prize.  BUT, Lori from In Pursuit of Martha Points has graciously agreed to be a guest judge.  Who better than this Martha Stewart lovin’, points keepin’ gal to dole out the biggest honor of the year?  But don’t let her wit and craftiness intimidate you, I daresay she’s refreshingly real and a little off-balance.

So there is nothing stopping you!  This is your chance to win the accolades you deserve!  If you’ve been following this blog for a while, you know from my confessions that there is no judgement here and extra points are given for being off-balance!