The Biggest Day for Mom’s EVER
You oohed and awed over the nominations. You carefully selected your gown and your security guard is watching your precious borrowed jewels – it is finally time. This year’s Slightly Off-Balance Mother of the Year award is here. All Mother’s are fabulous, but this year’s nominees are real stand-outs. They have lied, tricked and mis-led to fulfill the responsibilities of the job.
So, with further ado, I would like to introduce our celebrity guest judge: Lori from In Pursuit of Martha Points. I would like to thank Lori for her tireless effort to ensure this was a fair contest, void of bribes and kickbacks. (The truffles were a coincidence and there is no proof, anymore). She read, she re-read, she laughed and she almost pee’d her pants. Take it away Lori…
The competition was fierce. The bribes were tempting. The home-massage and truffles nearly bought the prize.
While I was moved by Sarah and Alexandra’s entries, I found myself giggling inappropriately over Elisabeth’s kids ordering chicken nuggets at the bank. Sparrow taking mothering seriously enough to scare her son away from Brittney Spears was compelling. And I’m envious that Life of Jam got the Benadryl trick to work (it only ever wired my son up.)
I hope that Karen was able to dispel her guilt (husband birthdays are important!) and that The Mom Next Door rehydrated quickly (and damn…that’s one good, “Special Friend.”) Susie was a close contender with a young child who can cope with the mechanical challenge that is replacing toilet paper. Tracy is raising children advanced in biology, Amber better send me some chocolate donuts and Sendie Lou’s daughter is clearly quite empathic with her careful attention to her mother’s elimination habits. And finally, I have some serious respect for Monica’s mom for tricking a teenager into vacuuming.
But after much sweating, toiling, rending of garments and drinking of Schnapps, I was able to narrow it down to three finalists.
Shan – for accidentally giving her daughter birth control pills.
Jennifer – for trying to make off with a minivan full of someone else’s family
and finally
Kali Capps for: “If you don’t quiet down Mommy might have an aneurysm.”
Can I have the envelope please.
What do you mean we don’t have an envelope?
I can’t WORK under these conditions?
Damnit…where’s my filtered water?
Ok..WITHOUT the envelope, the winner is…..
MOMMY’S ANEURYSM!
Cause really, that might explain my sixteen year headache.
Congratulations Kali Caps!
Contact Paige to complain about the lack of actual prizes. 🙂
And thanks to all for letting me play!!
Thank you again Lori and congratulations Kali. Bragging rights and endless fame are now yours! For those of you who would like to learn more about Kali’s parenting style – she holds court at The Boss of U. Go celebrate the big win Kali!
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Slightly Off-Balance 
Kids make life so interesting – it’s good to see some interesting moms out there too 🙂
Congratulations Kali! Does the aneurysm comment work? I tell my kids they are driving me nuts and all they do is repeat it and continue on…maybe if I threaten them with a rupture they’ll take me a little more seriously!
Hooray for Kali! I am completely honored to be in the finals as the minivan stealing mom – BUT I am so going to try out that beautiful word the next time my kids give me stress. I can’t even spell it right – aneurysm….lovely! Take your proud medal and display. And thanks so much to Lori for the great judging with no bribes included. Will be hopping over to Lori and Kali’s blog for some laughs.
Congratulations! I’m putting the aneurysm threat in my back pocket and plan to use it as soon as my kid understands english!
I don’t even know what to say! I’m so very honored! I’d like to thank my husband for keeping me on edge daily. My mom for raising me to never take things very seriously and always, always physically threaten first – emotionally scar, second. And last but certainly not least – my son, Cole, for being a keeping me on my toes and always reminding me that parenting without false hope and empty threats is just something I am not interested in doing. It isn’t effective and most importantly, I can’t laugh about it when I tell my friends later.
Thank you Paige and Lori! I’ll hold my trophy high!
Congrats, Kali!
I have to say, judging the contest, despite the angst of it all, was lots and lots of fun.
Although, I’m worry about Kali’s tweet that tiara’s are passe.
Cause when I’m queen empress of the universe, I totally want a crown.
I’d imagine that as queen empress of the universe, you could have anything your little heart desired. And you could demand tiara’s be back in style. Hell, they could have been all the rage of 2010. I’d never know, personally. I’m the anti-trend, for the most part.
Congratulations Kali! I’m so very proud of you! And so glad my parenting skills paid off…now get your ass over here to my house and clean up the mess you left before ‘I tear off both of your arms and legs and beat you with them’….Love, Mom
Kali’s Mom – kind of heart you!
Aw, Mom. You say the sweetest things.
How hilarious is it that this is actually my mother commenting on your blog, Paige? I’m dying over here.
Kali – I love it and I heart your mom! I think I remeber my dad saying the ol’ tear off your arms and beat you with them – priceless!
She’s said that to me as long as I can remember.
congrats to Kati, and to all the ubertalented and funny fuh-nee woman out here! You have allowed me to cut my prozac dose in half.
and I thank you.
Shall I give you an address where to send the left over prozac??? 🙂