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Let’s Talk Poop
If you’re not fan of discussions regarding bodily functions – stop reading now and come back tomorrow.
I recently read a post about “The ‘Out of Closet’ Pooper” that I found hilarious. I feel compelled to state that I am not normally a bathroom humor kind of girl, but the reality of some situations are funny regardless of the topic. What struck me as I read about how to successfully poop at work without getting caught is how motherhood has changed me on this topic. Pooping at work would be a welcome change to having my kids watch and ask if they can help me wipe!
I used to be embarrassed to poop in public places and I certainly never discussed these topics publicly, but for me it’s true that once you have kids, you lose all modesty. My biggest fear when I gave birth to my first child (aside from a safe delivery) was pooping during labor. This concerned me more than any amount of pain that I might have to endure. Thankfully, it didn’t happen (really, I would tell you at this point), but if it had, it would have been the perfect motherhood initiation.
Kids will say and do anything, anywhere, anytime. They also love to follow their parents into the bathroom. (Why don’t they ever follow me into the kitchen during meals?!) So I have become accustomed to discussing personal topics in very public places (like the checkout line at Target). Everything from “Mommy, why does Sissy have a vagina?” to “Did that man just fart?” and my all time favorite in a crowded public restroom, “Mom, are you going to poop?”
Once you’re an “ass butler” to your children, as Lori Dyan calls it, and poop and pee become the center of all conversations, you are also subject to discussing these intimate habits in public. But you know what, who cares? Everybody poops, some just hide it better than others.
The “Real” Me
I attended my daughter’s preschool back to school night this evening. This means, getting to know a new group of parents, some of which have their oldest in preschool. New parents always worry me because they may not have given up their ideals and sanity yet. They say admirable things like, “How do we know what our kids learned in school today so I can ask my child about it?” I respect this, but the easy way out is “what did you do, what did you learn and what was your favorite part”? They are still trying to do everything right (bless their hearts). I have to say, all of the moms I met seem very nice and down to earth, but time will tell who is as off-balanced as me. I have decided to show them the “real me” as early as possible in hopes of bringing them to the dark-side of reality parenting. Or maybe they are already there…
Last summer, there was an evening when I had too much to liquid fun and I was acting like a child. I was throwing food at my friends (trying to start a food fight, not out of malice) and generally acting silly. My husband was getting irritated with me (how could this be?!) . I turned to my group of friends and proclaimed, “This is the real me!”. I will never live that quote down, but I have also embraced it in many ways. Here’s more about the “real” me. Yes, it’s another list of confessions.
- I loathe the idea of owning a dog. My kids want one very badly and I am dead set against it. When I hear dog, I think hair, fleas, chewed up furniture, doggie breath and more responsibility. It is a threat to my precarious life balance. Don’t get me wrong, I like dogs – when they belong to other people! I am also not a huge fan of overnight dog guests, but have made exceptions for my dearest friends. (Devon – I am high-fiving you right now).
- I let my kids eat food they have dropped on the ground (there’s no dog to clean it up). Correction, I tell my kids they have to eat what they drop, because I am not giving them more. Now, this is only in my house, when the floors are reasonably clean, and maybe outside if it’s not too public of an area…
- I love the idea of playdates that involve cocktails. I NEVER drink when I am responsible for someone elses children AT ALL and I never have more than one if my husband is out-of-town. This is not a joke and if you drink while watching my kids, you will learn about mama bear. But, if you bring your little one over in the afternoon and you’re staying and want to have a beer with me, that is my kind of playdate!
- I am perfectly comfortable letting my children’s teachers be responsible for their learning. I will do all the homework and read to them, but frankly, I am exhausted at night and do not feel compelled to do extra credit as a mom. I am glad there are professionals to ensure my kids are brilliant.
- I recycle, but I drive a diesel SUV, do not compost, never made my own baby food, use disposable diapers and pull-ups and loved having drugs to ease the pain of labor.
- I bake the bread for church, but mostly to make up for how often I miss Mass (meaning mostly absent) and to see a friend who I never get to see unless it is baking time.
- I don’t like cold water so I spend more time watching my kids swim than swimming with them.
- I cannot do math. Period.
What’s the real you? You can tell me, I promise to use a fake name when I blog about it! 😉
Taco Bell and a Martini
That was what one of my friends had for dinner last night, after shuttling hers kids home from activities.
As parents, almost everything we do is planned around our children’s schedule. We often inhale meals in between driving carpool, watching practices and helping with school projects. One of my “dinners” this week was two meat balls before soccer practice and a handful of pasta after practice – yes, I reached into the Tupperware, grabbed a handful of pasta and shoved it in my mouth. The irony is that my kids sat down at the table and ate a full meal while I raced around getting ready to be their chauffeur.
Not every night is chaos in our house, we try to have dinner as a family at the table most nights, but my kids are young. I am sure that it will be harder as they get older. I watch the SUVs and mini-vans drive in and out of the neighborhood all day long; busy parents getting kids to and from events right up until bedtime. Parents often have to divide and conquer in order to meet their children’s’ obligations.
So what’s more important – a family meal or extra-curricular activities? I guess it depends on how good the martini is.
WHOSE Back-To-School Night?
I attended back to school night this evening for my son’s elementary school. Most people think the name comes from children returning to school and parents spending the evening learning about their new teachers and programs. Those people are wrong. I am here to tell you it is called back-to school-night because you personally feel like you are back in school. Here is my evidence:
- You try to carpool so you don’t show up to a large group of people by yourself
- You’re afraid to be late and make a bad first impression with the teacher
- If someone walks into the classroom late, they look flustered and quickly spout apologies and excuses
- In between sessions, you quickly try to find your friends so you’re not standing by yourself
- You spend this time comparing teachers and even sharing a few urban legends/ gossip about the faculty
- There is a rebel group that skips the general session where attendance is not noted
If you’re still not convinced that some parents digress to college students themselves. Here are some direct quotes from the evening:
- “I knew I should have brought margaritas…”
- “Don’t tell my husband I left back to school night early to go get a drink with the girls.”
- “So I was picking up a tequila bottle off my bedroom floor this morning…”
Finally, I attended an “after-party” aka drinks with a few girlfriends where the following statements were made:
- “So you’re basically drinking straight vodka?” “No, they shake it with ice, so little molecules of water get in there too.”
- “I won’t look so sophisticated drinking this martini when I hit the second one.”
- “Shoot, get the check, I promised I would be home by 7:30!”
So you tell me, was I at back to school night as a parent or reliving my days of youth? Either way, I balanced informative with fun!
What kind of apple should I bring the teacher?
Sunday Blues
A fabulous, fun-filled weekend is over and my family and I had to face reality today. I knew the dreaded Monday was coming. Mondays smack me in the face before they even start. I call it the Sunday Blues.
My Sunday Blues typically kick in about 5:00 pm every Sunday when I start worrying about what I need to do for work Monday morning and how busy the week is going to be. Yesterday the Sunday Blues kicked in early – at 2:00. Between my anniversary, my son’s first day of school and other fun stuff, I slacked a bit at work last week – okay, truthfully, I was the Ferris Bueller of the corporate world! So today I am paying the piper, trying to do dammage control. What did I blow off last week that I shouldn’t have? Whose waiting on me for a response? What important milestone did I not approve? What executive update did I fail to provide? I will be spending my morning catching up before it catches up to me.
In addition, my husband left for a business trip this morning, which means I will juggle getting the kids to school, working, homework, dinner, soccer practice, baths and back to school night by myself. Once the week gets going, I do just fine, because I am too busy to worry about it. But I can’t seem to avoid mourning the loss of our relaxed weekend time and dreading the stress of life as Sunday comes to a close.
However, in the spirit of trying to stay balanced – I will look for the positives. I will enjoy the 1:1 time with my kids. I will run the house by my rules. I will remind myself how independent and organized I can be. I will take up the whole king bed when I sleep! And then I will thank God when my husband comes home and rescues me from the brink of insanity!
I’d ask you to wish me luck, but there are single parents who deserve daily Hallmark cards. I have friends whose spouses travel every week. There are military families who juggle so much more. This is not a pity party, this is recognition of the challenge at hand. I am ultra competitive and will not let the Sunday Blues predict the outcome of this week!
As I began writing this post, I was feeling mopey and scattered, now Eye of the Tiger (I am not even a huge Rocky fan) is playing in my head and I am ready to get through it!
If all else fails, Plan B involves a bottle of wine and a babysitter!
10 Reasons My Kids Help My Marriage
Today is my 10th wedding anniversary. Please send sympathy cards to my husband. 😉 I have discussed how I miss my husband even though we live in the same house as a result of having the chaos of kids. But today I am reflecting, and appreciating, all of the gifts my children bring to my marriage. Many of you know I love lists, so here we go:
- The kids unite us in a common cause of being great parents. We both try hard and work at it together.
- They keep us young (out of self-preservation) with sports, bike rides and play time.
- Our kids provide us endless goals to satisfy our achievement oriented personalities. Celebrating those milestones as a family brings my husband and I closer together.
- They can make our sex life risky and exciting. In other words the threat of them walking in at any minute.
- They keep us from taking life too seriously. Who can be stoic when your kids are showing you their latest dance moves?!
- They provide another reason not to walk out when the going gets tough.
- They are constant reminders of unconditional love – both giving and receiving.
- When we’re engaged in a battle of wills with our kids and my husband is my only ally, it makes our bond stronger.
- I see the best parts of him in them and it reminds me of why I fell in love.
- I can fall in love all over again watching my husband be a tender, nurturing father.
My husband and I don’t always agree about the kids. AKA he is Disney Dad and I am the enforcer, we balance each other out and keep each other sane. Our kids will always test our patience, conviction and physical endurance. The rewards of passing those tests are endless love, laughter and joy.
Sorry Work, It’s The First Day of School
My son started first grade today. My husband and I got early to prepare. He made my son breakfast, packed his lunch and got him dressed. I primped. The first day of school is the one day a year I don’t roll up in my pajamas, work-out clothes or a combination thereof looking like a hot mess. Why? First day of school pictures silly! Then years from now we can look back at the pictures and tell the tale that I was June Cleaver and Donna Reed all wrapped up in one. The only difference, I also work full-time.
Speaking of work – fat chance of getting ANY productivity out of me today! Yes, school started at 8:00, but I have a whole first day routine: After we walked him in, found his seat, took more pictures and kissed up to the teacher, we then we did mommy (and daddy) mingling. Then we came home and I pretended to be a stay at home mom for a few minutes – I emptied the dishwasher, picked up the house and started breakfast. (Not my normal morning routine.) Then I checked the dismissal schedule – it’s different in first grade than it was in kindergarten. Uh-oh – I have a meeting during pick-up time. Well that meeting is CANCELLED.
You might be asking yourself, seriously, why can’t you work until pick-up and then once you bring him home? Hello… when I pick him up, I MUST take him out for frozen yogurt and hear about his day. As to why I can’t work until then, I will be too busy thinking about how fast he’s growing up and wondering if he’s having a good day. I will call my girlfriends and see how their mornings went and how they are feeling about another milestone. Yes, I really can waste a whole day doing this!
So if anyone at work is looking for me – good luck! My baby started 1st grade today and I am playing the role of June Cleaver!
Raising Risk-Takers
As I shared, my kids learn to water ski this weekend. It seems normal for my 6-year old son, but a little insane for my 3-year old daughter. As we were getting my little girl all geared up, my friend said, ‘Are you sure about this? Is this safe?’. I love that my friend raised the question. I was anxious and apprehensive, but I also am trying to balance raising my kids safely with raising them to be overly fearful.
I am not a risk-taker. I have grown up afraid of heights, spiders, sharks, snakes, pain and cheap hotels. 😉 I was a picky eater and missed out on some great food until I was older. I have never broken a bone because I didn’t do things that are dangerous enough to cause broken bones (knock on wood). My friends tease me because I was the only one who wore a life jacket through our whole drunken rafting trip (another story). Interestingly, I have gotten braver as I have gotten older, but now I feel a sense of responsibility to be alive and in one piece for the sake of my children. So as twisted as this may sound, I would rather have my kids take risks when they’re younger (not 3 of course) and enjoy life to the fullest before they have families of their own.
So everyday I force myself outside my comfort zone to raise my kids to try new activities, foods and experiences. I want them to live their lives as they choose, as oppose to the way that will keep my heart beating normal. Does this mean I am signing the little darlings up for bungee-jumping? Not yet. But if they ask to take part in an activity that other kids do, I will take all reasonable precautions and tell them to go big. My son started snow-skiing at 3, with a helmet. He rides a dirt bike with full pads, helmet and a governor switch for the speed. He waterskiis, with a life jacket. And if my daughter wants to do all those things too (she absolutely does!) she can when I can provide a reasonable amount of precautions (aka she can reach the brakes!).
Did I wake up one day, make this choice and stick to it? No way! In fact, I still have room to further push out the old fearful Paige. My oldest never ate off the floor or had any bruises because I was so careful. But as he got older, I saw him becoming needlessly fearful of certain things and decided to try to turn it around. My youngest dare-devil diva is a good test of my boundaries and pushes her brother too. She proudly displays new bumps and bruises every week. So I often have to bite my tongue when my son and his friends are wrestling and close my eyes when they jump off the fourth stair. It’s not easy, but I think I am giving them the gift of a living a life full of experiences. I am teaching them how to look at a situation and see if they can make it safe enough. They may learn some lessons and get some bumps along the way, but then they can choose what to do from there.
Despite the fact that my friends will tell you I am a safety nut and do not take risks with my children, my views on parenting may not be widely agreed upon. If you’re one of those people who would rather keep their children away from dirt bikes, boats and rope swings and send them to school in bubble wrap, your opinions are truly welcome here. Each of us, as parents, has to go on their gut and live within their comfort zone.
For me, I am not going to keep my children in a bubble, I am going pay my health insurance premium just in case we need stitches or a cast and I am going to tell my kids to try new things (as long as they are not things sold on a street corner). As they get older I might even tell them it’s okay to jump off the bridge into the lake when no one is looking as long as they wear a life jacket…
Dressed and ready for school!
Always Bet on the Crazy Mama Bear
Wow, I had an amazing weekend house boating with my kids! I did as I said I would in my last post and ENJOYED them. There were moments when it was tough and my friend Stacey would remind me that I used to want 4 kids… (yes, I was crazy). But overall it was a great weekend and both of my kids got up on skis! There are lots of silly stories I could share, but instead I am going to warn you of the dangers of a mama bear…
No, I don’t mean something as harmless as a female grizzly bear, I am referring to ME, I am much scarier if your actions threaten the safety of my children. I also have a small tendency to over-react (my husband would argue it’s a major tendency) when it comes to the safety of my kids. So what would you do in this situation?:
We are sitting on the houseboat Saturday morning, parked in a cove. We look up and see a man of about 60 with a dirty t-shirt, board shorts and one-flip flop (we nicknamed him the uni-flopper) carrying a leather laptop bag, come out of the forest and start scaling down the hillside towards the water. As we sip our morning coffee, we watch him leave his bag on the shore and swim towards our boat WHERE OUR KIDS OUR SWIMMING. The “fur” on the back of my neck stands up and I tell the kids to swim over to the other side of the houseboat and swim next to my ski boat. The husbands come out. Papa Bears are deadly, but not as crazy as Mama Bears. (My friend Marilyn says you should always bet on crazy in a fight.) I check to make sure the keys to my ski boat are in the ignition and I decide, if need be, I can have the kids out of there in under 10 seconds, 15 if I reverse over the uni-flopper with my spinning prop. Yes, I would.
Uni-flopper swims up and asks to use a cell phone. He explained that he had too much tequila the night before, got in a fight with his wife and wandered off. He’s now somewhat lost and trying to get back to his houseboat. Let’s pause to give uni-flopper credit for being so drunk he wanders into a forest filled with bears, BUT remembers his laptop bag (We all wonder what was really in that bag…)! We called the sheriff who came out and picked up uni-flopper, and his laptop bag, to take him off to find his wife. Imagine that conversation…
The point is the uni-flopper is lucky to be alive. Getting through a night in the forest is cool, but surviving swimming up to my kids and my friends’ kids is a feat. I would also like to say congratulations to the jet skiers who had the good sense to give my waterskiing 3-year old a wide berth. Had you gotten closer, I would have chased you down and sunk your jet ski.
Other mama bear recognition goes to my three friends who I forced to wear life jackets with me in case we ALL had to dive in if my daughter fell and looked scared. Finally, thank you to my husband who had the extreme responsibility of towing my three-year old and ‘allegedly’ got yelled out to get there faster when she fell and momentarily got her foot stuck in the ski. She was calm and fine, I was perched on the side of the boat to dive in while simultaneously calling the national guard!
My theory is that one of the motherly hormones also allows women to change from average female to deadly predator. I know I have the potential to go from law-abiding citizen to vigilante killer in under a moment. At 5’5” and a small frame, I may not look menacing, but remember, you should always bet on crazy…
ENJOYING My Kids
In a previous post, I talked about my de-bitchery trip. It is our annual, kid-free weekend to unwind and decompress on our friend’s houseboat. Well, we decided to do another trip. Thanks to the miracles of modern technology (aka scheduling blog posts), as you read this I am sitting on this wonderful houseboat WITH MY KIDS. Yes, we got the bright idea to bring our kids to our adult sanctuary, our personal Calgon commercial for a weekend of ‘family fun’. This is of course means that I am not sitting, but rather running around, applying sunscreening, making snacks and … what was I thinking?!
Wait!
I usually take a humorous perspective in my blog, which often means laughing at the harder parts of parenting. But, today, I am going to be thankful! I talk incessantly about balance and wanting more time with my family – here’s my chance! I have no cell service, no laptop and am with my kids and great friends on a beautiful houseboat – I am a very lucky girl!
As parents, we often take bonding opportunities with our kids and turn them into a stressful, checklist-filled, three-ring-circus. Birthday parties are a great example. The kids have fun, but how many of us truly enjoy it with them? Aren’t most of us exhausted afterwards? (For those of you who are smarter than me, tell me your secret).
So as you read this, I will be sitting on a houseboat playing with my kids, without a schedule or agenda. We will be swimming, frolicking (why the hell not) and spending some quality time together. My three-year old daredevil-diva is going to learn to water ski. She has wanted to try on previous trips but her feet are too small for the skiis, so we bought her some water shoes, to make the skiis fit. My six-year old son is going to waterski and wakeboard, each for the second time (the first time on both scared him so we have had to wait until he was ready). I am going to sit and cheer them on and marvel at how big they are getting! I am not focused on putting them to bed so I can have a cocktail with the adults – although I am abiding by ‘houseboating state law’ that requires all children to be in bed by 9:00 ;), but rather focused on spending time with them and building memories for when they’d rather be with their friends.
This weekend I am enjoying quality time with my kids and appreciating how fortunate I am to be a mother (and be friends with someone who owns a houseboat!)
Pay It Forward
Slightly Off-Balance 