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5 Types of Over-Balanced Moms
You know what I am talking about, the too perfect and know-it-all moms…
I know what you’re going to say: “But Paige, you preach that every mother should be valued and not judged”. Correction – real people should be valued, but I choose to mock stereotypes all I want! And as for why I have decided to call them “over-balanced” ? Well everybody knows that too much of a good thing will make you sick! So to make the rest of us real mom’s feel better here we go…
- Too-Perfect-Mom: Nothing ever falls out of her car when she drops the kids off at school. She attends every event and brings homemade baked goods for all occasions. She’s never late and never looks like she just rolled out of bed. You have never seen her raise her voice to her angelic children and when you describe your chaotic day, she just gives you a sympathetic smile. She is NOT in the running for Mother of the Year! (But you could be if you submit…)
- Fashionista Mom: Always perfectly coiffed, trendy and never stained. Whether it’s early morning drop-off or coming from the gym, she never looks frumpy or disheveled. We all have our good days, but she’s never had a bad one.
- Know-It-All-Mom: She is an authority on everything. She tells you what you’re doing wrong as a parent (and possibly everything else) and how to correct it.
- Age Defying Mom – She has given birth to four kids and looks like she is 18. Perfectly toned, perky boobs, no wrinkles and she eats pizza and cupcakes at every party. The only consolation is imagining she has a plastic surgeon on speed dial, but alas, you’re sure she just has good genes.
- Overly-Talented-Mom: She’s athletic, a fabulous cook, crafty and decorated her model home. She sews all of her children’s darling clothes and made a breathtaking mission out of dried pasta and baking soda for her child’s school project. Everything she does is flawless and fabulous. I have a friend like this, but she’s crazy, so I still love her.
In revolt of over-balance, I present you with Paige:
- I am mildly athletic, if you count that I don’t usually trip when I walk.
- When I cook dinner, my husband tells me to focus on the main course and he’ll handle the rest
- The only thing I’ve made with my glue gun is a mess
- I forgot my daughter’s snack day at preschool… EVERY TIME FOR THE WHOLE YEAR! (sorry Miss Jill!)
- My best clothes are Target sales rack and my nanny has had to intervene when I tried to leave the house in a pathetic state
- I have a small fortune worth of half-empty water bottles floating around my car
- When I am on my “A” game, I close my windows before I yell
- The only thing I consider myself an expert on is being a crazy, off-balance mommy
Are you over-balanced? If so, what’s the secret? Prozac and wine??
If you’re off-balanced, like me? What’s your shining moment? I can hear what you’re thinking, that’s a funny one, you should enter my Mom of the Year Contest.
I'm no June Cleaver...
Working Moms Raise Their Kids Too
“I thought about going back to work too, but I didn’t want someone else raising my kids.”
This is what a very sweet, well-meaning, mother said to me this morning at my daughter’s gymnastics class. I wanted to respond with something like, “Yep, I wanted to have children for the picture frames and then send them off and check in with them on holidays”, but this mom was very nice and she meant well, so I smiled and said, “Yep, it’s a balance”.
Our nanny usually takes my daughter to the class since I work, but today, I took her and was given the once over and “Oh you must be her mom…”. Yes, my daughter has a mother. No, the nanny doesn’t leave her with a pack of female wolves at the end of the day.
As I see it, I do raise my children. Yes, there are 7 hours of preschool and 33 hours of a nanny per week, but otherwise, the buck stops here. The preschool is one I picked based on my personal beliefs on what is most important at this age. I interviewed 7 preschools before choosing this one. I provide direction for our nanny. I set the parameters for discipline and I set the tone for how they are cared for. In other words, I work AND I raise my children. I have people who help me, just as we have teachers who help instruct our children. But I ensure my daughter is raised as the demanding, hilarious diva I had hoped for and I am diligent in raising a control-freak, OCD son who will likely be CEO of a major corporation someday (how else will I retire?). And before I step off my soapbox, here is some evidence that my children are a product of my influence:
- My son will not leave his room if a drawer is open and he cannot sleep if the closet door isn’t closed
- My daughter likes to dance in her underwear on a chair
- My son will correct you if you’re doing it wrong
- My daughter will not stay in her room for time out “Nobody puts Baby in a corner”
- My son will stick up for the picked on kid at school
- My daughter has a snuggling addiction
- My son likes to know the rules
- My daughter likes to break the rules
- My son is super-competitive
- My daughter cheats to win
OMG, wait, I take it all back! I work full-time, who the hell raised these kids?!
I did, I do and I am proud of the results. All parents raise their kids, we just employ different methods of doing it.
What’s the biggest impact you have made on your kids or your parents have made on you?
Kids Are Like Power Outages
Our power was out for 14 hours starting just before dinner time yesterday. Yes, my night was filled with fights over flash lights and trying to put my kids to bed without their usual movie and book. While the candlelight was beautiful, it certainly heightened the normal Sunday night stress.
I realized that my kids and power outages have a few things in common:
- I have no control when either will be on or off
- Depending on my frame of mind, they can either be enjoyable or a pain in the “flashlight”
- Both are beautiful, but can lead to injuries. Candlelight = unnoticed suitcase on the floor
- They both throw off my routine and cause chaos
- They make you appreciate the times when things are running smoothly
- Abandoned dinner plans are typical side effects
- Sleepless nights are par for the course
- They both require lots of batteries
- Messes are inevitable (de-frosting freezer…)
- They both have varying degrees of severity: Brown out = cranky, Blackout = temper tantrum
- Things eventually return to “normal”
My life is back to “normal”. The flashlight wars are over, I have cleaned up the melted popsicles and I have almost re-set all of the one million clocks in our home. And for my next trick…
Why Are Other People’s Kids So Cute?
I adore my children, but do not plan to have any more. There are several reasons we are stopping at two. The biggest reason is our sanity. My husband and I are both type A, OCD ridden individuals who need order and structure to survive. Any more kids would take what little shred of balance we have left and flush it down the toilet with the Legos and Silly Bandz. We currently can play man-on-man defense and I am not skilled enough to switch to zone defense. As my cousin always tells me, “Two hands, two kids. If God wanted you to have more kids, he would have given you more hands.” I also have to believe that God would have given me more patience, a money tree and a faucet that spouts rum if he wanted me to have more kids. Let me be clear, I admire and envy large families. I am in awe of mothers who raise multiple children without losing them or their minds! I just don’t think our particular brand of crazy is conducive to a large family.
So why is that I couldn’t take my eyes off of the three-month old on the plane as I flew to my business meeting yesterday? He made me think back longingly to when my kids were babies. I even thought for a split second, maybe we should have one more… Then I pictured my husband as a cartoon character – his head twisting around on his neck, his eyes spinning around in his head and his arms flailing in the air (yes, my mind is bizarre). That mental image reminded me that two careers and two kids is more than we can handle already.
Why do kids seem so appealing when I am away from mine? Because they are NOT MINE! I don’t have to deal with their tantrums or chase them through the terminal. I can enjoy their smiles and turn up my i-pod when they scream. I miss my kids so much when I travel that I think I romanticize them and parenting in general. I sit on my plane rides home picturing my return to my little angels. They are immaculately clean, sitting at the table, reading books when I arrive. They get up, run to hug and kiss me and then tell me all about their days and then we frolic in the sunshine… Whoa… I think I have jet lag. My homecomings usually go more like this – my daughter rushes up to me and says, “I missed you sooo much, what did you bring me?”. My son, looks up from his Wii, says, “Hey Mom” and doesn’t rush towards me until he hears his sister getting her “working mommy guilt gift”.
Other people’s’ kids are cute because they don’t deprive me of sleep and following me into the bathroom. But my kids are cuter (my blog, my judgment call) because they tell me they love me more than chocolate, remind me to wear my seatbelt on the airplane and share their dessert with me. I don’t want more kids because I already have more than I ever could have wished for.
Me with more than 2 kids!
There’s Very Little Grass in the Working Mom Pasture
Yesterday, my witty friend Sarah shared with us 10 reasons why the grass is not greener being a Stay At Home Mom. For those who know Sarah, she is a great mom and certainly has the skills and abilities to go back to work, but she has made a commitment to her family and she’s happy with her decision… most of the time.
So now it’s my turn. Here’s my top 10 on why moms (or dads – I think you are under-represented) should not flock to the office.
- Is this your mommy? When I am out with my children, people come up and act as if my children are with a stranger. “Are you her mom?” This is why my children and I wear nametags, it helps us and those around us.
- The inevitable party follow-up question? Unlike Sarah, when I tell people I have a full-time job, they naturally ask, “Well who cares for your children?”. So I am compelled to explain – “I leave them with a pack of wolves. But I am a responsible mother, so I only leave them with female wolves, they’re more nurturing”.
- Nobody thinks you can help Because I do not care for my children, the kids, and others, assume I have no domestic or child-rearing abilities. Okay, okay, I have very few domestic abilities, but I do know how to care for my children. I can wash a disposable diaper just like a pro.
- Keeping up with the SAHM’s I have never made my own baby food, sewn a Halloween costume or chaired a school fundraiser. (I am not sure I would do those things if I were a SAHM).
- Playdates Playdates are tougher for kids with working parents. Typically playdates start because two mothers who become friends get their kids together. Mothers of the other kids have a hard time be-friending my 21-year-old gorgeous nanny. (I can’t blame them, she wears heels to drive carpool – she intimidates me too.)
- Life plus work deadlines We still have to do homework with the kids, wash soccer uniforms, bake (I mean buy) sweets for bake sales, but then I also have to manage my team at work (aka my day-time parenting job), write presentations and go on business trips. Time is my most precious resource.
- Being MIA Weeks go by where I don’t see a girlfriend, because once work is done, then I need to focus on my kids. Girl time or alone time with my husband gets pushed down the priority list. By the time I have an opening on my calendar, my friends are tired from all the fun they had without me.
- I Am Not in the Running for Anything there’s no way to win mother of the year and since I try to balance being a mom as much as I can, I am not up for employee of the year either. I might win Juggling Lunatic of the Year though, as long as they don’t deduct points for what I drop.
Yes, I owe you two more, but I have a work deadline, no clean underwear and the kids need help with homework, so let me sum up 9 and 10 with my favorite comment of all time:
“Do you think your son is having a hard time because you travel so much?” Well no, but I think he would have a hard time if I didn’t get time away!
While being a working mom is tough, so is being a stay at home mom. We each have amazing days and horrible days. We each struggle with balance, we each want to do our best. The best thing we can do as mothers (and fathers) is support each other, regardless if we get a paycheck for our hard work or not.
The Grass is Not Greener in the Stay at Home Mom Pasture
As I have lamented the last few weeks about my job, I have also started to fantasize about being a stay at home mom (SAHM). To provide balance (or to stop my whining) my friend Sarah graciously put together the following for me (and I post it with her permission – little does she know the only payment she’ll receive is a glass of wine).
10 Reasons the Grass is not Greener in the Stay at Home Mom Pasture
Help I’m sick!! When I call in sick, nobody covers for me. No matter how sick I am, kids still need to get to school; lunches still need to be made. There is no daycare to drop them off at, no nanny to speak of, just me doing the same thing I do everyday with the exception of barfing ever 20 minutes.
The inevitable party question. “What do you do?” “I’m a stay at home mom”. Responses range anywhere from the cliché “wow isn’t that great” to blank stares of confusion. Insult to injury is when the response is followed by the droll discussion of things like how expensive diapers are and The Wiggles, as if those must be the only things I am interested in. My favorite follow-up to date is still “Do you do anything else??” NOPE! Just stay home and stare at the baby.
Only Mom Can Help. When you spend your day assisting in every menial task for your children from helping brush their teeth to tying shoes 3 or 4 times, your children develop a “only mom can help me” complex. My children will walk right past their dad sitting in the kitchen, through the entryway, up a flight of stairs, and into my bedroom to ask ME to open a fruit snack package for them…?
Fun Overkill. Yes it is possible to have too much fun. My husband and I are on completely opposite “fun” schedules. By the time my husband gets home I have been on mom duty for 9+ hours. I have played 25 hands of Go Fish, read 10 books, put together 3 puzzles and even pretended to be the fairy princess locked in the tower. (ok the princess was my idea and I actually locked myself in my room to make a quick 10 minute phone call.) However, understandably, my husband wants to spend time not only with the kids, but as a family. I want a chance to be a grown-up and a wife, my husband wants time to be a dad. “Let’s play soccer” “Come on mom!”……..I’m coming.
Divorce! The D word. Hate to think about it, but it happens. My fear as a SAHM is that if this does happen I will be an average aged, average looking, minivan driving no name with a 9 year gap in my resume. I picture my first job interview going something like this “no Mrs. SAHM we stopped running DOS 2.0 about 7 years ago.”
Quantity Does Not Equal Quality. Some people assume that because I spend MORE time with my kids it is better. That is NOT the case. More time just equals more time to screw them up. There were days when I thought my kids would be better off at day interacting with other children rather than at home with me watching me pay bills and vacuum.
Tomorrow. The curse word of the SAHM. Only you know the expectation that you set for yourself. Therefore what doesn’t happen today can always happen tomorrow, and no one is the wiser. Instructions are easy..when tomorrow comes…repeat.
Blizzards/ Tornados & Other Natural Disasters. Being in your home with any number of children 24 hours a day and trying to keep the house clean is impossible. It is like shoveling snow in a blizzard. I don’t even try anymore.
Fashionista. NOT! I used to be a decent dresser. Really. As I grew tired of washing Cheetos hand prints and baby poop/spit-up off nice clothes, I retired my nice things and adopted the SAHM “uniform”: Workout clothes and tennis shoes that rarely actually make it inside a gym. You know you have lost your inner fashionista when you put on a pair of jeans and a necklace and your kids ask you “why are you so fancy mommy?”
I Am Out the Running for Mother of the Year. No awards to polish around here. No plaques to cover my walls, no raises. You can work your fanny off at your “job” as a SAHM but no one is there to pat your back. I would like to say that your child’s smile is payment enough but let’s be honest, when’s the last time a smile bought you a purse? And a promotion?? The only time my husband uses the word promotion is when he wants sex, and by “promotion” he means another baby.
There are days I start to think, gosh it would be nice to have a job, one where I got to talk to people about politics or books without pictures, or dare I say an R rated movie. Then I realize that the grass in not greener, it’s just a different shade.
Thanks Sarah for the perspective! I’ll share the color of my pasture as a working mom tomorrow.
The “Real” Parenting Definitions
We have all heard them, but what do these parenting buzzwords really mean…
Perspective: Trying to get eye contact with a screaming, tantrum throwing child in order to discipline them. Usually involves getting on the ground and tilting one’s head upside down.
Time-Outs: Me. Bottle of Wine. Closet or Patio.
Make Good Choices: Pick the action that will be least likely to cause me to go psycho-mommy on your tiny heinie.
Consequences: A politically correct term for mommy (or daddy) revenge. You break my i-pod, spill my cocktail or wake me up, there will be consequences.
Positive Reinforcement: Using duck tape to encourage them to stay in timeout.
Incentives: Bribes out of desperation.
Stranger Danger: The danger of giving my children to a perfect stranger if they make me too crazy.
Crying It Out: What I do on the days when I realize that I have no control and that my life is run by two little people.
What would you add to the list?
"Positive Reinforcement"
I Brushed My Teeth With What?!
Parenting has highs and lows and sometimes unexpected, and unwanted, surprises…
We spent an amazing weekend with friends from college and their children. We all got together at a private camp. We had a campfire, a hay ride, fishing, swimming, and more. It was family and friend bonding bliss.
On Saturday night, my husband graciously put the kids to bed in our cabin, while I sat up at the lodge having cocktails and visiting with our friends. I strolled into our cabin about 1:30 am and of course had to get ready for bed in the dark. The cabins were simple and we all slept in one room, which was the same room the sink was in. So I couldn’t turn on the light to brush my teeth or take out my contacts.
I was doing pretty good in the dark. I got my contacts out, found my glasses and prepared to brush my teeth. I grabbed the tube, slathered it on and shoved the toothbrush in my mouth… What the %$&#? This substance was neither foamy nor minty. It was not meant for my mouth, but rather my daughter’s butt… It was Desitin!
C’mon, make me feel better, tell me your gross parenting story!
My toothbrush the next morning...
I Choose
- I choose balance
- I choose to be kind to myself
- I choose to hold my tongue and not try to “set somebody else straight”
- I choose to look for the good in a day and the good in a person
- I choose to smile at strangers and sometimes even help them
- I choose to give an empathetic smile to a mom with a screaming child
- I choose to work and be a mom
- I choose to put my family first, usually
- I choose to parent like Child Protective Services is watching
- I choose to love
I don’t make these great choices everyday, but when I don’t, I choose to try again tomorrow.
What do you choose?
Mother’s Gone Wild
Please do not be alarmed. You are not about to be subjected to thirtysomething mama’s flashing video cameras. But I have seen such an occurrence…
I am taking about working mothers on business trips or any mamas on a girls night out. It is amazing how you can take your typical suburban soccer mom, remove the kids, add alcohol and see the transformation. She goes from pony-tail, hoodie wearing mom to plunging neckline, trippin’ in her stilettos mama.
I had such an evening (minus the plunging neckline – it was a work event people!) this week while on a business trip. A few co-workers and I went out for drinks. I broke my two cocktail at a work function limit (okay, I more than doubled it…). I knew it was time to switch to water when I am in a photo booth with one of MY EMPLOYEES, hamming it up for the camera. After the photos we stop to each call our kids to say goodnight and then start researching karaoke bars… that’s when not only did I need water, but a taxi back to the hotel!
What makes moms (and dads) go from nose wiping angels to boozin’ babes? I will tell you: We live to close to the brink of insanity! When given a small break from parenting we digress. Not only do we shed some responsibility temporarily, we shed our ‘set the example’, ‘do the right thing’ personas. And guess what – it feels great! Well, actually it feels hazy and not as great the next morning, but still worth it!
Pictures have been omitted to protect the guilty!
Pay It Forward
Slightly Off-Balance 
