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Blonde Ambition Holiday Tour
Before you all get too excited, no, Madonna is not doing a holiday show.
The Blonde Ambition Holiday Tour is my plan for the next two weeks. My plan is to make the most of it being quiet at work, as well as having the kids home, in order to start the new year caught up, cleaned up and with some good habits. It is the Blonde Ambition tour because I am blonde (thanks to my stylist Yvette) and it’s one hell of an ambitious list.
In order to organize my efforts, I am separating the list into work and home. I am officially working this week and next week, but next week will be even quieter than this one. So I plan to focus on work this week and home next week. The work list is boring, so I won’t share it, but it sounds something like presentation blah blah blah email blah blah blah hire someone blah blah blah.
Home List (brace yourself):
- Make it to the gym at least four days each week to counteract the 12 Pounds of Christmas
- Clean-out my closet and give to charity – there are some clothes in there that would be better suited for an elf.
- Help my kids with their charity donations. Before their birthdays and Christmas I make my kids go through their toys and each fill a minimum of a 12 gallon trash bag with toys for charity. I explain that they have to give to others in order to receive. It’s a great lesson on helping those less fortunate AND it keeps my home from turning into residential Toys R Us. (When I got to bed at night, I don’t like any toys in plain sight).
- Clean-out my husband’s office – This is frightening. There is paperwork, empty router boxes and my kids’ school work from the last two years in there. It’s the embarrassing catch-all room and unfortunately it is in the same hall as the guest bathroom, so we need to make it look less like somebody threw up a recycling bin in there.
- Have at least three playdates for the kids and three “mommy playdates”.
- Upload pictures to Facebook and make discs for people.
- Visit family and friends 3 hours away, 1 hour away and 30 minutes away.
- Host Christmas dinner. I need a really good dessert recipe that will feed 10 – any ideas?
- Take down already dead tree and Christmas decorations on December 26th.
STOP LAUGHING! If you think it’s funny or even ludicrous to come up with this list of things to do during the holidays, aside from surviving the holidays, I agree. But when else can I get it done? I miss my friends and family, my kids have spent a lot of time at home with each other and organization and tidiness makes me swoon. Yes, I want to try for supermom despite repeated reminders from the universe that I crash after a couple of days of trying to do it all. But yet I keep trying. Why? Because I’m a fighter? My meds aren’t right? I am a glutton for punishment? I don’t know, but I am headed straight for completely off-balance in pursuit of balance.
It’s Monday at 12:30 pm, how am I doing so far?
- I took an hour-long beating in one of those circuit classes today. I should have known I was screwed when the warm-up was a mile run. (For those that don’t know me, I am not an athlete. For those that know me, you know that is an understatement).
- My son currently has a playdate and I am taking my daughter to a kids party this afternoon.
- I am going out for dinner with the girls tonight.
- I have a load of laundry in the washer – it should be in the dryer, but one thing at a time.
I am off to a good start. Now you may be thinking, this is boring, we don’t want to hear about all the good stuff you’re getting done. But trust me, when I fall on stage (we’re going back to the Madonna analogy), I do it with a bang!
Stay tuned for the pyrotechnics!
Pictures with Santa Fail
We are dashing through the snow our Christmas checklist of things to do with the kids during the holiday season. Yesterday we hung up the Christmas lights outside and last night was the night to go take pictures with Santa.
Pictures with Santa is not one of my favorite activities: the waiting, the screaming kids, the germs – and that is before we even leave the house! But, we have to pay our $20 for our 3 x 5 picture that proves we love our kids. But this year was going to be fun, we had a plan…
We had dinner with a few friends and then raced around dressing the kids so that people would think my children regularly wore ironed, button-down shirts and poofy dresses. I went to put on my daughter’s black tights and discovered I had brought footless leggings, so I pulled them down over her heels and shoved the ends into the toes of her black Mary Jane’s. “But mommy, this is not how they work,” exclaimed my exasperated daughter. “I know sweetie, but Mommy is silly and we don’t want you to look goofy (I almost said stupid and caught myself) in your picture.” I think the desperation in my voice and the rushing around of the other moms convinced my daughter to just go with it.
We packed the kids into the cars and headed off to see the big man. As we were driving there, one of my friends said, “I didn’t think to call to see what time the mall closes on a Sunday”. It was 5:55 pm so I knew we were safe, no self-respecting mall closed before 9:00 pm this close to Christmas.
We pulled into the mall, congratulating ourselves for deciding to go on a Sunday night since there were far fewer cars in the parking lot. We got the kids out of the car and somehow made it through the parking lot without losing anyone. The kids were running around like someone had given them a Santa size portion of cocoa and I figured letting them run a bit before hitting the picture line would help preserve my last holiday nerve.
We opened the door to the mall… wait, why is it not opening? They lock one of the doors? All the doors are locked? What the holly? What time does the fa la la la la mall close?!
6:00 pm.
My kids now have a picture in their Christmas finest in front of Coca-Cola machine – hey, at least it’s red and white!
Tell me about one your holiday mishaps. I’ll either learn from your mistake or repeat it on purpose.
Kids Christmas and Cocktail Pairings
I had an epiphany tonight – I am a sommelier! Just as a sommelier pairs the perfect wine with a great meal, I have the talent to match a cocktail to any kid Christmas event, well any event really, but let’s try to keep it seasonal people!
So here you go, the perfect holiday pairing list:
- Getting a Christmas Tree
- Straight Vodka (if you’re spouse is a perfectionist like mine)
- Decorating the Christmas Tree
- Hot Buttered Rum – you must get the seasonal stomach (aka gut) in training
- Putting up Christmas Lights
- Water – this was a test people! Roofs and liquor don’t mix
- Watching The Polar Express with the kids
- Bailey’s and Hot Cocoa – “Hot, hot, ooh we got it” (If this doesn’t make sense, you haven’t seen the movie, which means you’re getting coal in your stocking)
- Kids School Christmas Pageant
- Coffee and Peppermint Schnapps (people will think it’s coffee and gum)
- Christmas Date Night with Your Spouse
- Snow Job (this one is for you Pajama Girls!)
- Santa Run – Standing in the freezing a$% cold to watch firetrucks and Santa come through the neighborhood
- Brandy – in the name of survival
- Company Christmas Party
- White wine if you’re smart, Goldschlager if you’re looking for a severance package to bank roll your kids’ gifts
- Making a Gingerbread House
- Egg Nog – When else do you make a house out of cookies and candy? When else do you drink egg nog?
- Christmas Caroling
- Can’t help you here, you’d have to give me (or the people who would have to listen) the whole bar to get me to sing in public
- Kids’ Cookie Decorating Party
- Cranberry Margaritas – Kids, frosting and sprinkles, you may want just want a shot glass
- Girl’s Christmas Happy Hour
- Christmas Cosmos – Out of style? Maybe, but so are Christmas sweaters, and we’re rockin’ them!
- Neighborhood Cocktail Party – Adult’s Only
- This whole list. Times two.
- Christmas Brunch with Relatives
- Mimosa – It ony takes a splash of orange juice to look civilized
- Christmas Brunch with Friends
- Bellini’s – Fun, sophisticated and unique – just like my friends, well most of them…
- White Elephant Exchange
- White Russians – I don’t know why, I just think it sounds like a good idea. So it is.
- Christmas Dinner
- Wine – Prime Rib and Cabernet, yes please!
- Christmas Dinner with In-Laws
- Tequila – And that’s just Plan A…
- After Christmas Sales
- Bloody Marys – Kills the Christmas dinner hangover and gives you energy to shop
I hope this list gets you through the holidays. At anytime you may substitute any drink for hot cocoa and Bailey’s.
Okay, what event did I forget? What’s your favorite Christmas Cocktail recipe?
A Mother’s Take on Airport Security
I just returned from another business trip, I travel enough for work that I know some of the TSA agents better than my friends. I feel bad for many of them; it’s a hard, stressful job. If they screw up, bad things can happen. If they don’t screw up, bad things can still happen and they will be scrutinized and blamed. With all the recent press about pat downs and body scans, I became irritated. I question the effectiveness of some of these measures, but I appreciate that there is a group of people trying to keep us safe within the constraints of our justice system. I am going to spare you my diatribe on why we can’t fight terrorists when we play by different rules… I would rather be a little inconvenienced and live to bitch about it than be a victim. So let me provide a mother’s reality check on airport security:
- A pat down is nothing to me. I have kids pawing at me all day. I have had strangers watch me give birth. I have had lactation consultants man handle my lady lumps. You want to pat me down? Knock yourself out. I am sorry if you get peanut butter on your hands, my kids accosted me before I left for the airport.
- Body scanners are the least of my worries. I dodge Nerf bullets, have my feet taken out by moving furniture and am exposed to entirely too many loud noises. A little radiation sounds like a picnic. My lack of sleep is a much bigger threat to my health. As far as the modesty goes – see number one. And here’s a newsflash – my anatomy is the same as every other female. And right now that anatomy is intact, without bullet holes or damage from bombs.
- Don’t blame the agent. Being jerky to a TSA agent is like being a jerk to a kid. It’s not their fault. TSA agents just follow orders. Kids are just a product of their parents (which explains SO much about my children)! Let’s follow the Golden Rule people!
- An ounce of prevention… This is a common phrase to explain that being proactive is worth it. If one extra kid lives from wearing a bike helmet, it was worth it. If one extra terrorist is stopped by the scans and pat down, it was worth it.
- Being half dressed is normal. Many people complain about stripping off belts, shoes and coats. Mothers are having a good day if that is all they’re missing.
A final suggestion: Let my kids run airport security. Terrorists would take one look at my diabolical children and surrender!
What do you think about airport security?
Don't worry, it's a Nerf gun...
Tooth Fairies for Adults
A few weeks ago my son and his friend were wrestling and they bumped heads which resulted in my son’s first two loose teeth. While at the dentist yesterday, she “assisted” them in falling out. My son was so happy to lose his teeth and prepare for the tooth fairy. When he woke up this morning he had a letter and money from the tooth fairy and she left behind a little magic glitter. It got me to thinking, What kind of fairies would I want? What would I like to wake up to?
- Work Fairy – When I wake up in the morning, this little darling would have finished all the work I should have the night before.
- Clothing Fairy – I leave out my old, boring clothes and she replaces them with new, perfect fitting, ensembles.
- Cocktail Fairy – She ensures there are no hangovers from over-indulgence the night before.
- Sleep Fairy – She casts a protective bubble around me so I sleep without noise or light interruption. (She may have to use duct tape in the kids!)
- Exercise Fairy – She handles my workout before I get up. So I can move promptly to eating!
- Breakfast Fairy – She anticipates my cravings and whips up Eggs Benedict and biscuits and gravy – fat-free of course! 😉
- Cleaning Fairy – No description required.
- Errands Fairy – With errands off my list, balance is almost inevitable!
- Beauty Fairy – Goodbye wrinkles and blemishes!
What Fairies do you want?
Quotes for My Kids’ Weddings
One of may favorite bloggers Ironic Mom does Whiteboard Wednesday posts where she talks about something she has said to her kids that sounds bizarre when taken out of context. Reading her weekly quotes has made me more cognizant of things I say to my own children.
I realized tonight, not only is it fun to pay attention to these funny moments, but these quotes could be great embarrassment when each of my children get married. (Yes, I am THAT Mom). So today I am providing an entry for the list of quotes I will say at my daughter’s wedding.
My three-year old has developed this habit of torture where she poops at 9:00 every night. At 7:30, we take her to the bathroom, read her a book (or four) and put her to bed. After both kids are in bed, my husband and I try to catch up on work… or internet surfing. Inevitably, my daughter interrupts my productivity by getting out of bed and announcing she has to poop. It does not matter if she pooped at dinnertime, bedtime or both. My husband and I are convinced that she saves some poop to use as an excuse to get out of bed!
Last night was no different. As I was trying to work (aka party on Twitter) my daughter strolled into my room announcing she had to poop. My husband is already spared this interruption because his office is at the other end of the house (I am sure he planned that!). It is also because he recently said she was faking it and sent her to bed, only to discover she was telling the truth and was taking a long time because it was hurting. She didn’t have a bladder infection, but rather a minor irritation. But it did require me to do one those “only a parent job” of holding a wipe on her to soothe the stinging. When I did this she pee’d on my hand! I couldn’t get upset and simply washed my hand MULTIPLE TIMES! (This tangent is important, read on…)
Last night, my little diva sat on the potty for at least 15 minutes singing, talking to me or talking to her imaginary friends (she has almost as many as I do!). I finally go in the bathroom to try and hurry her up and she asks me to hold a wipe on her bottom so she can poop without it hurting. That’s when I am compelled to say:
“You can’t poop on my hand!
She may have had some discomfort pooping, but that is where I draw the line. She is going to need a higher paid ass butler for that task!
What weird things have you done for your kids? Or what thing have you said that would sound strange without (or even with!) context?
Remember, the more comments I get, the less off-balance I think I am…
She's laughing because she has an ass butler!
Crazy Just Got Crazier
I talk about struggling for balance, for never having enough time in the day. I lament that I want to cut back at work and spend more time at home with the kids. So what is my genius solution? Enter a writing contest.
NaNoWriMo is a writing program where you write a novel in 30 days. 50,000 words in 30 days. 1,667 words per day. The goal is not have a finished product, but rather just to get ideas down. I am not supposed to edit, just write. Hmm, run my mouth without censoring, I can probably handle that.
You are entitled to skip straight to the comments and tell me that I am an idiot for signing up for this. But here’s the thing, writing gives me balance, it’s how I sort out emotions, diffuse anger and appreciate life. I have always dreamed of writing a book and a good friend suggested I turn my stories that I blog about into a semi-fiction book about being a crazy parent. So I am going for it. Will I have a finished product December 1st? No, but I’ll have a very rough draft. Very rough I said!
Occasionally I might share an excerpt here, both to get feedback and to not overwhelm myself with blogging and writing. So here we go, your first sneak peek (remember, just ideas, not a Pulitzer submission) of “Parenting Taught Me I Don’t Know Sh*t”. (I haven’t made the philosophical decision about swearing in my novel. I don’t swear on my blog, but I do swear in real life).
Okay, I am stalling, hear you go:
Pregnancy and Private Planes
A week into bed-rest my husband has to attend the wedding of a college buddy. It’s a 2 hour plane ride from home and he “has to go” because he is the best man. What about his best wife and best, going-to-be-born-at-any-moment baby?! After a few hormonal battles, I agree to let him go, like I ever had a choice??? My cousin, who has a two-year-old agrees to come stay with me since I am still on bed-rest which clearly means I need a baby-sitter! (I was also bored and thrilled for the company!)
I call my husband and… get f’ing voice mail! What?! He is supposed to have his cell phone on him at all times in case I need him. We had agreed he would only turn it off during the 20 minute ceremony! Fine, I leave a message and will call again in 21 minutes. 19 minutes later I call again – voice mail. I leave another message and wait. 10 minutes, 20 minutes, I am approaching hysteria!
My cousin tries to point out the obvious – I am not in labor, but all I can say is , “But what if I were?!” I leave another irate message about him not caring about me and the baby, and being an irresponsible father before he even has a baby. My husband will tell you I left 15+ similar messages, I say prove it! When he finally calls me back SIX HOURS LATER he is breathless, panicked and remorseful. “I am sorry babe, my phone battery died and no one else brought their phones into the wedding. I have been running around for hours trying to find a phone to call you. Is everything okay? I checked my voice mail and it said I had 15 messages, what happened?!”
As I listen to him talk, I realize the impossible – he is drunk! “Have you been drinking?! You promised me you wouldn’t drink in case you had to get home in a hurry! What were you thinking?” “Babe, listen. I have had a few drinks. It’s an open bar and I am the best man. When the father-of-the-bride handed us shots, it would have been rude to say no”. “Rude to say no!” I thunder, “Rude would be missing your baby’s birth because you’re too drunk to get home!” “Honey,” he says as if he’s talking to a tantruming two-year-old, “you’re not in labor, right?” “Well, no, but I could have been!”. He then tried to be the good guy, “Babe, I know it’s hard being on bed-rest, but if I needed to get home, I could take a cab to the airport and be on the next flight.” I can’t be pacified, “Well what if I needed you in the middle of the night and there were no flights?! Would you charter a private plane?” “Sweetie, the doctor said first babies are usually late and labor takes hours, even days, I am sure I would make it” “Well OUR baby is not most babies! Tell me you would charter a private plane if I needed you!” “Honey, a private plane is tens of thousands of dollars, get some rest and we’ll talk in the morning”. I will not be dissuaded, “TELL ME YOU WOULD CHARTER A PRIVATE PLANE!” “Honey, I promise I will get there for the birth of our child, I’ll see you tomorrow. I love you and our baby.” At this point, my cousin takes the phone, hands me some herbal tea and just smiles. She’s smart enough not to try to reason with crazy.
Of course, it’s fiction, who really acts like that? I did.
Another Halloween Aftermath – Sticky Skeletons
Candy is not the only diabolical treat handed out on Halloween. My children also received little sticky rubber skeletons. They’re “great” – you can throw them at the wall and they stick for a few seconds before falling off. It was all fun and games until Mr. Skeleton was launched towards my vaulted ceiling…
My husband, the kids and I sat there waiting for Mr. Skeleton to come down. After a few minutes, a leg came off. I figured it was only a matter of time until the rest of him came down, or so we thought. When we realized he was making a permanent home on our entry way ceiling, it was time for drastic measures. We threw a whiffle ball, then a nerf ball, then a soccer ball. The soccer ball only smushed him harder to the ceiling. We then got out the “tool” we use to change the light bulbs in our vaulted ceiling. My husband proceeded to drag that along the ceiling, leaving little scrape marks, but still the pesky skeleton wouldn’t budge. He finally had to get out an extension ladder and climb up and pull the sticky little guy down.
I hope my HUSBAND learned a valuable lesson about throwing things at the ceiling. What, you thought it was my kids?
What things has your spouse done to make you think they are one of the kids?
I had to use the zoom lens for this one...
Happy Halloween from June Cleaver
In the spirit of Halloween, I am going to be Supermom today and when I say Supermom, I mean June Cleaver, I love that woman and am not comfortable in tights and a cape. If my son can be GI Joe and my daughter can be Belle, a kitty, Sleeping Beauty, a Cheerleader and a skeleton (it’s changing by the minute) than I should be allowed to take on a new persona.
So what has supermom done so far – Made my family pumpkin pancakes from scratch (well mostly, ignore the canned pumpkin) and cleaned the kitchen – what you wanted more?! It’s only 10:00 am in California! You may be saying to yourself, did she come up with this bogus post just to brag about the pancakes – yes, possibly. As I sit and type my husband is vacuuming – does that mean I have already broken character?
Now for a costume… does supermom wear flannel pants and an old t-shirt? Does she have dirty hair and flour on her face? No? Hmmm… I will work on this – I would love to dress as my idol June Cleaver (without the heels, I am not that tough). I might have to whip out my sewing machine… ha ha ha, sorry I was laughing so hard, I had to stop typing, I don’t even own a sewing machine! But I do have a glue gun and a stolen stapler (sorry, I can’t talk about it, I plead the 5th).
If supermom aka June doesn’t work out, I will still celebrate Halloween by eating all of my kid’s candy and scarring (yes, that was intentional – scaring AND scarring) people with my off-balance behavior!
How’s your Halloween going? Have you been a Monster Mommy? If so, you may be a contender in my Mom of the Year Contest! The deadline for submission is tomorrow! Don’t forget, we have a celebrity judge – Lori from In Pursuit of Martha Points is picking the winner. You can go lobby for yourself at her site, but she is likely out launching an attack on her neighbor’s Halloween decorations today.
Late breaking news – my husband just came in to vacuum this room and told me he started the laundry and cleaned the bathrooms – I guess I am no June Cleaver, back to the drawing board… Any ideas for me?
Parents Need a Break… from Themselves
As parents, we are under a lot of pressure. We want to raise our kids well and be great at all things we do. We push ourselves for silly perfection and are our own worst critics. Why is that when a friend calls me with a bad day or a stranger tweets that she sucks at being a mom, I have sympathy and words of encouragement, but I tell myself to pull it together and stop whining?!
Parenting is tough, it is one of the most rewarding, exhausting roles a person can engage in. It is a lifetime commitment that we cannot execute perfectly everyday. There will be the days we lose our tempers, ignore the requests of our children and be cranky to those around us, but then we pull it together and make the next day better (or next week, or next month…). We need to be accountable, but not overly self-critical. We need to accept that we get exhausted, overwhelmed, frustrated, maybe even lost. But we need to focus on loving our miraculous children AND ourselves.
I am not a psychologist – I’ll give you a moment to recover from the shock… I merely know how hard I push myself and I watch my friends do the same. I know that I hold myself to a higher standard than I hold others, not because I think I am capable of more, but because I undervalue my own contributions compared to others. So if I give myself a little slack, will you do the same?
How will you give yourself a break?
Give yourself a hug
Pay It Forward
Slightly Off-Balance 