PSA – No Booze, No Sweets
This is a Public Service Announcement.
In an effort to prepare the public for possible threats of violence, sarcasm, mood swings and emotional breakdowns, the FAIL (Federation of Ambitious and Idiotic Lenters) issue public service announcements when one of their parishioners is embarking on an overly ambitious Lenten gesture.
The following FAIL PSA has just been issued for the Northern California area:
Paige Morgan, a well-meaning, but off-balance, Catholic, has announced that she will be giving up all sweets and liquor for Lent. Yes, you read that correctly: ALL sweets and ALL alcohol. The FAIL is concerned because Paige does not get through a day without a sweet, a drink or both. We feel that the level of her Lenten commitment may put others at risk. Without sweets in particular, Paige has a history of irritability, unexplained bouts of crying shopping, and irrational behavior. Detailed medical analysis have found that Paige is kept balanced by a consistent diet of chocolate and wine (or beer or Captain).
The following precautions should be taken:
- Do not give your children sweets in front of her. She may inadvertently devour small children in an attempt to eat the treat.
- Hide your cough syrup and witch hazel – we fear she may try to concoct unusual cocktails.
- Keep your doors locked at night. This kind of deprivation may cause her to sleep walk and seek out the M&M’s between your couch cushions.
- Do not threaten, harm or otherwise upset her children (she will be doing enough of that herself). The crazy mama bear is 67% more crazy for the next 40 days!
- Hide your rubber cement, self-tanners and Bedazzlers. Paige has a history of taking on other vices to cope with giving up her addictions.
- If you find her in public, wild-eyed, disoriented and
disheveledmore than disheveled than usual, send her directly to the Betty Crocker Clinic – they know her well there. - If you know a good hostage negotiator, keep them on speed dial. We especially fear for employees of Baskin Robbins, Mrs. Fields, Godiva and the local liquor store.
Avoid interaction with her during Lent, but should you have an unavoidable encounter, talk to her in a soothing voice the way you would calm an overtired preschooler. Offer her something furry to cuddle with and remind her that good girls get pony rides. But don’t offer her a balloon – she may mistake it for a giant jelly bean and try to eat it.
For those of you wondering how she will complete her Wine Wednesday postings, Paige has decided to consume wine (and eat sweets) for the next 24 hours straight before she starts Lent on Wednesday. Keep this in mind as her posts may be confusing, hard to follow her normal incoherent rambles.
Have you ever given up one (or more) of your vices? How did it go?
My plan for Tuesday night...
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Pay It Forward
Slightly Off-Balance 
I’ve chosen to give up sobriety for Lent.
Why didn’t I choose that?
Oh dear…I fear for your safety and the safety of others. Maybe just choose one to give up, or maybe just choose to have only one or the other each day…instead of giving up, just scale back. God doesn’t want to see you upset! 🙂
I am going for it, it will be ugly, but at least perhaps blog worthy!
TWO things? TWO? Oh, lordy. You are ambitious. Two years ago, I gave up alcohol for the month of January (one of the LONGEST months, I must point out). I did it only to see if I could. I’m stubborn like that. And I did it. I even kind of liked it in a sick “look at me all sober” way.
My husband was not a fan.
And I had one friend who claimed to be supportive but did not get together with me for a month.
Then this other friend? Didn’t even try to be supportive. She just said, “Call me in February.”
So really, what I learned? People like me better with a glass of wine under my belt.
And since I can’t get all new friends and a new husband…I haven’t been sober since.
Julie – can we still be friends while I am sober and sweets free? I promise I can be fun!
I agree, you certainly are ambitious. Thanks for the warning and wishing you the best of luck! See you after Lent:) Hugs, Diane
Clearly Diane, you fall under the category of Julie’s friends who say see ya next month. And I think that makes you wise! 😉
Oh dear.
I think I can see flares from where I am.
I’ll watch the Eastern sky.
Lori – I will however be in a perfect mental state to deal with any St. Patrick’s Day and Easter decorations your neighbor comes up with. Just turn me loose!
I’m giving up my New Year’s Resolutions for Lent.
Shall we send you some liqueur-infused chocolates for Easter Sunday?
Yes please!!!
My wife’s family is Greek, which means that you’re supposed to give up alcohol, sweets, meat…just about anything that gives you joy in life. Easter services start at about 11PM on the Easter vigil, and last until 2AM & 3AM. Once, we decided to pull the “full fast,” and distinctly remember staving off sleep in search of a bacon cheeseburger.
Thank God I didn’t give up bacon cheeseburgers! It’s my only shred of happiness!
See, this is why I don’t do Lent – the person giving up the stuff is the bomb ticking while everyone else tip toes around wondering how to keep them from going off.
I love my family too much to do that to them.
Also, I just baked brownies. They’re still hot. Not for ME, mind you, but as a reward for my son being nearly angelic for two days.
I will eat most of them, and think of you fondly as I do so.
“Ahh, fair Paige, for we knew you well.”
I’m also very happy you live far away at this moment. Otherwise I might fear for my life….
Hilarious post, though. 🙂
Kelly, is it weird that I would like for you to tweet detailed descriptions of the brownies…
Okay – totally un-related… I am from nor-cal and didn’t realize you were too. Where are you? Im moving back to Sonoma county in May. I seriously love your blog and reccomend it on a regular basis (in the least stalkerish way as that comment can sound, that is) … we should meet up and do a wine tour (after lent of course!) and then do a blog series on it!
Dear Life of Mine – I am east of Sacramento. Where are you? Moving to Sonoma? Lucky girl! I am completely down for the wine tour and meeting up! Thank you for the kind words about my blog, we’ll see if you still like it after Lent! 😉
P.S …I really want to check out Tin roof vineyard in Santa Rosa…I’ve never been there.
I don’t need the give things up to prove something to myself. Just knowing I could if I wanted to is good enough for me.
But don’t you want to prove it to me? 🙂
I can tell you are very firm in your beliefs since you posted something on someone elses blog as an anonymous person. Way to be a passive aggressive coward. GO find something to actually stand for or the ability to accept other people beliefs without feeling threatened…or you could choke too…either way, go away.
I don’t normally allow anonymous comments but a friend was having trouble commenting, so I changed all the settings temporarily to troubleshoot and then changed them back. So Ms. or Mr. Anonymous will not be able to respond anonymously again.
When I read the comment I thought it was a clear admission that they don’t have the tenacity (and craziness) required to abstain. We’ll see where my tenacity sits come week two or three (or dinner tonight).
Quitters are for rehab!
I think I will wear that tank top tomorrow…
Paige…wishing you the best of luck and a speedy 40 days! 🙂
Thanks Paula! I am going to need all the luck I can get! 😉
Ooh, give up the things that give you joy: so maybe I should show some mercy and sleep with my husband?
I don’t know if I could give up snark and inappropriate remarks so I’ll join the ban on chocolate and (good) wine…but only because I like you, and because, um, I should.