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Archive for November, 2010

I Almost Stole a Car… Again

November 5, 2010 16 comments

I really need to pull it together.  I am on a business trip and when I landed I went to retrieve my rental car from Avis.  I looked on the board, saw my name, P. Moran and headed for the parking space where my car was.  I loaded all my stuff, got in, adjusted the mirror and prepared to start the car.  I glanced up at the rental card, because since I have stolen a rental car once, I always double-check. 

Stop – you know you’re curious about the first stolen car, go read it, I’ll wait here. Do you want me to hold your keys?  If you’re in a hurry just read the part under fairy amusing.   

Welcome back.  So, I checked the card on the dashboard.  Yep, P. Moran, that’s me.  Wait, P. Moran, I am actually P. Morgan you silly people. 

I thought it was strange that they spelled my name wrong since I have my whole profile saved in the system, so I flipped the card over – who the heck is Pam Moran?!  Could they have really goofed my name up that badly?  Since I already have a special mark next to my name in the Avis system as someone who grabs any car lying around, I thought it best to go back and check the board again.  I take all my stuff out of the car and start walking back towards the Avis Podium.  An Avis employee sees me walking back with my stuff.  “Ma’am, is everything ok with the car?” (I wish he would have said Miss). “I think I may have almost gotten in the wrong car or you have some typos on my rental card,” I explain. 

We look at the board and there is P. Moran and, what do you know, P. Morgan is right below it…

Make me feel better, share with me a blooper you have committed.

I am much more subtle...

Crazy Just Got Crazier

November 4, 2010 15 comments

I talk about struggling for balance, for never having enough time in the day.  I lament that I want to cut back at work and spend more time at home with the kids.  So what is my genius solution?  Enter a writing contest. 

NaNoWriMo is a writing program where you write a  novel in 30 days.  50,000 words in 30 days. 1,667 words per day.  The goal is not have a finished product, but rather just to get ideas down.  I am not supposed to edit, just write.  Hmm, run my mouth without censoring, I can probably handle that.   

You are entitled to skip straight to the comments and tell me that I am an idiot for signing up for this.  But here’s the thing, writing gives me balance, it’s how I sort out emotions, diffuse anger and appreciate life.  I have always dreamed of writing a book and a good friend suggested I turn my stories that I blog about into a semi-fiction book about being a crazy parent.  So I am going for it.  Will I have a finished product December 1st? No, but I’ll have a very rough draft.  Very rough I said!

Occasionally I might share an excerpt here, both to get feedback and to not overwhelm myself with blogging and writing.  So here we go, your first sneak peek (remember, just ideas, not a Pulitzer submission) of “Parenting Taught Me I Don’t Know Sh*t”.  (I haven’t made the philosophical decision about swearing in my novel.  I don’t swear on my blog, but I do swear in real life).

Okay, I am stalling, hear you go:

Pregnancy and Private Planes

A week into bed-rest my husband has to attend the wedding of a college buddy.  It’s a 2 hour plane ride from home and he “has to go” because he is the best man.  What about his best wife and best, going-to-be-born-at-any-moment baby?!  After a few hormonal battles, I agree to let him go, like I ever had a choice???  My cousin, who has a two-year-old agrees to come stay with me since I am still on bed-rest which clearly means I need a baby-sitter! (I was also bored and thrilled for the company!) 

I call my husband and… get f’ing voice mail!  What?! He is supposed to have his cell phone on him at all times in case I need him.  We had agreed he would only turn it off during the 20 minute ceremony!  Fine, I leave a message and will call again in 21 minutes.  19 minutes later I call again – voice mail.  I leave another message and wait. 10 minutes, 20 minutes, I am approaching hysteria! 

My cousin tries to point out the obvious – I am not in labor, but all I can say is , “But what if I were?!”  I leave another irate message about him not caring about me and the baby, and being an irresponsible father before he even has a baby.  My husband will tell you I left 15+ similar messages, I say prove it!  When he finally calls me back SIX HOURS LATER he is breathless, panicked and remorseful.  “I am sorry babe, my phone battery died and no one else brought their phones into the wedding.  I have been running around for hours trying to find a phone to call you.  Is everything okay?  I checked my voice mail and it said I had 15 messages, what happened?!” 

As I listen to him talk, I realize the impossible – he is drunk!  “Have you been drinking?!  You promised me you wouldn’t drink in case you had to get home in a hurry! What were you thinking?”  “Babe, listen.  I have had a few drinks.  It’s an open bar and I am the best man.  When the father-of-the-bride handed us shots, it would have been rude to say no”.  “Rude to say no!” I thunder, “Rude would be missing your baby’s birth because you’re too drunk to get home!”  “Honey,” he says as if he’s talking to a tantruming two-year-old, “you’re not in labor, right?” “Well, no, but I could have been!”.  He then tried to be the good guy, “Babe, I know it’s hard being on bed-rest, but if I needed to get home, I could take a cab to the airport and be on the next flight.”  I can’t be pacified, “Well what if I needed you in the middle of the night and there were no flights?! Would you charter a private plane?”  “Sweetie, the doctor said first babies are usually late and labor takes hours, even days, I am sure I would make it”  “Well OUR baby is not most babies!  Tell me you would charter a private plane if I needed you!”  “Honey, a private plane is tens of thousands of dollars, get some rest and we’ll talk in the morning”.  I will not be dissuaded, “TELL ME YOU WOULD CHARTER A PRIVATE PLANE!” “Honey, I promise I will get there for the birth of our child, I’ll see you tomorrow.  I love you and our baby.”  At this point, my cousin takes the phone, hands me some herbal tea and just smiles.  She’s smart enough not to try to reason with crazy.

Of course, it’s fiction, who really acts like that?  I did.

Design Your Own Funny Farm

November 3, 2010 22 comments

I recently sent a friend to the funny farm.  A few of us have been teasing her about holiday decorations and we finally pushed her too far, she has jokingly checked herself into a virtual,  “special resort” with pink pills, fruity drinks and no stress.  She is practicing her fetal position and listening to soft music.  Her imaginary funny farm got me to thinking… (I know, it happens once in a while, whether I meant to or not)…

If I could design a place to “check out” and regain some sanity, what would it look like? 

The Slightly Off-Balance Center for Balance

Located lake side, this sprawling resort will instill balance, joy and laughter.  Check-in and stay as long you’d like, we won’t tell your family you’re here.  Amenities include:

  • Personal bungalows with lake views, waterfalls, personal wet bars and wine cellars, light blocking window treatments (for sleeping when you’d like, as long as you’d like) and  a staff of 5 for each bungalow:
    • Cleaning lady – she picks up to, no cleaning before she arrives
    • Chef (she can also mix drinks)
    • Hair and make-up artist (should you want to socialize)
    • Massage therapist – they also give mani/pedis
  • Pictures of your children are welcome and there is a designated area to interact with them should you choose, but there is no guilt if you just watch your kids through the two-sided mirror or don’t watch at all.
  • Spouses are welcome by invitation only and you can re-send their invitation at anytime.  Spouses are brought up blind-folded so they cannot find this place on their own.
  • There is a large pool, staffed to ensure you’re never hungry or sober, I mean thirsty.
  • An intensive therapy area for new inductees where people play with your hair, pat your back and tell you you’re amazing.  Intravenous chocolate is also available.

Activities include:

  • Yoga – but only the stretchy feel good poses, no stand on one leg and feel your heart race nonsense
  • Chocolate and chick flicks – this will soon be an olympic sport, so I have been training.
  • Spa days – 24 hours per day, seven days per week on demand
  • Wine Tasting or cocktail pounding – there is no judgement here
  • Book Clubs – we’ll read to you and there are no deadlines

You will note the absence of a personal trainer – this is not a fat farm.  Through the miracles of modern science, fat and unnecessary calories have been removed from our food and beverage, but you won’t taste the difference.  Should you enjoy exercise, there are beautiful trails and a gym, but nobody cares if you go.  This same science that removes fat and calories, ensures no hangovers from too much enjoyment of the pool bar.

Tell me about your dream funny farm.  But beware, if you build it, I will come and stay a very long time!

Ahhh... Utopia

The Biggest Day for Mom’s EVER

November 2, 2010 16 comments

You oohed and awed over the nominations.  You carefully selected your gown and your security guard is watching your precious borrowed jewels – it is finally time.  This year’s Slightly Off-Balance Mother of the Year award is here.  All Mother’s are fabulous, but this year’s nominees are real stand-outs.  They have lied, tricked and mis-led to fulfill the responsibilities of the job.

So, with further ado, I would like to introduce our celebrity guest judge:  Lori from In Pursuit of Martha Points.  I would like to thank Lori for her tireless effort to ensure this was a fair contest, void of bribes and kickbacks.  (The truffles were a coincidence and there is no proof, anymore).  She read, she re-read, she laughed and she almost pee’d her pants.  Take it away Lori…

The competition was fierce. The bribes were tempting. The home-massage and truffles nearly bought the prize.
 
While I was moved by Sarah and Alexandra’s entries, I found myself giggling inappropriately over Elisabeth’s kids ordering chicken nuggets at the bank. Sparrow taking mothering seriously enough to scare her son away from Brittney Spears was compelling. And I’m envious that Life of Jam got the Benadryl trick to work (it only ever wired my son up.)
 
I hope that Karen was able to dispel her guilt (husband birthdays are important!) and that The Mom Next Door rehydrated quickly (and damn…that’s one good, “Special Friend.”) Susie was a close contender with a young child who can cope with the mechanical challenge that is replacing toilet paper. Tracy is raising children advanced in biology,  Amber better send me some chocolate donuts and  Sendie Lou’s daughter is clearly quite empathic with her careful attention to her mother’s elimination habits. And finally, I have some serious respect for Monica’s mom for tricking a teenager into vacuuming.
 
But after much sweating, toiling, rending of garments and drinking of Schnapps, I was able to narrow it down to three finalists.
 
Shan – for accidentally giving her daughter birth control pills.
Jennifer – for trying to make off with a minivan full of someone else’s family
and finally
Kali Capps for: “If you don’t quiet down Mommy might have an aneurysm.”
 
Can I have the envelope please.
 
What do you mean we don’t have an envelope?
 
I can’t WORK under these conditions?
 
Damnit…where’s my filtered water?
 
Ok..WITHOUT the envelope, the winner is…..
 
MOMMY’S ANEURYSM!
 
Cause really, that might explain my sixteen year headache.
 
Congratulations Kali Caps!
 
Contact Paige to complain about the lack of actual prizes. 🙂
 
And thanks to all for letting me play!!
 

Thank you again Lori and congratulations Kali.  Bragging rights and endless fame are now yours!  For those of you who would like to learn more about Kali’s parenting style – she holds court at The Boss of U.  Go celebrate the big win Kali!

Categories: Uncategorized

Another Halloween Aftermath – Sticky Skeletons

November 1, 2010 3 comments

Candy is not the only diabolical treat handed out on Halloween.  My children also received little sticky rubber skeletons.  They’re “great” – you can throw them at the wall and they stick for a few seconds before falling off.  It was all fun and games until Mr. Skeleton was launched towards my vaulted ceiling…

My husband, the kids and I sat there waiting for Mr. Skeleton to come down.  After a few minutes, a leg came off. I figured it was only a matter of time until the rest of him came down, or so we thought.  When we realized he was making a permanent home on our entry way ceiling, it was time for drastic measures.  We threw a whiffle ball, then a nerf ball, then a soccer ball.  The soccer ball only smushed him harder to the ceiling.  We then got out the “tool” we use to change the light bulbs in our vaulted ceiling.  My husband proceeded to drag that along the ceiling, leaving little scrape marks, but still the pesky skeleton wouldn’t budge.  He finally had to get out an extension ladder and climb up and pull the sticky little guy down.

I hope my HUSBAND learned a valuable lesson about throwing things at the ceiling.  What, you thought it was my kids?

What things has your spouse done to make you think they are one of the kids?

I had to use the zoom lens for this one...

Categories: Humor, Parenting Tags: ,