Archive
Wine And I Are Breaking Up
Dear Wine,
I have loved you since my 21st birthday when we met on a wine tasting trip. We have had a great relationship, with the occasional quarrels. During those rough patches you made me crazy, even sick to my stomach because your love was too strong, but I kept coming back. We have had fun and made many wonderful memories.
But, my beloved, I have changed. It’s not you, it’s me. My tolerance for you has changed. I used to be able to enjoy your whole bottle, without consequence. But now, I sleep poorly after seeing you. I find mornings difficult when I spend the evening, or even two glasses with you. I am also no longer immune to the bad influences of your dangerous friends, like dessert, who you seem to bring along on our dates. Based on the increasing frequency of regret the morning after we’re together, I must end the relationship.
But hey, we can still be friends. We can see each other occasionally, even spend an evening together from time to time, like friends with benefits. But our love affair is over. I need to see others that don’t leaving me feeling badly the next day. I have been spending more time with a pirate, a captain by the name of Morgan and his friend, a sailor named Jerry. They provide fun and relaxation, without the unpleasant quarrels and feelings of regret the next morning.
I do have some concerns about how limiting our relationship will affect our social circle. My friends are used to us being a couple, they enjoy you’re company when they spend time with me, but they’ll have to adjust. My husband is thrilled that I am putting boundaries on our relationship, because it allows him to spend more time (yet less money) with you.
Thank you for a fabulous love affair, I will always appreciate your complexity, variety and the joy you have brought me. I will eagerly anticipate our occasional encounters and will know that I have benefitted from our relationship.
Fondly,
Paige
Instant Gratification
I am not going to lie – I am a big fan of instant gratification. Just call me Veruca in “Charlie in the Chocolate Factory” – I want it now! One of my friends calls it the Sod-It Syndrome. She can’t wait for grass to grow, she would rather have sod. I could provide endless examples of my impatience and you know how I love a good list. However, I will refrain this time… nah!
- I sometimes inadvertently get drunk trying to reach the happy buzz place to quickly
- I have turned myself orange more than once trying to achieve a dark spray on tan in 24 hours that usually takes a week
- I invent scheduling conflicts to get my performance reviews back from my manager earlier.
- I, like most Americans, have done my share of accumulating debt in college because I couldn’t wait for a time when I could afford shopping (or excessive drinking)
- I researched the earliest pregnancy test because one extra day of waiting was too much for me
The irony is that it drives me nuts when my kids can’t be patient. Seriously, good things are worth the wait little pumpkins! (And do as mommy says, not as mommy does!)
So are you a seed or a sod person?
WHOSE Back-To-School Night?
I attended back to school night this evening for my son’s elementary school. Most people think the name comes from children returning to school and parents spending the evening learning about their new teachers and programs. Those people are wrong. I am here to tell you it is called back-to school-night because you personally feel like you are back in school. Here is my evidence:
- You try to carpool so you don’t show up to a large group of people by yourself
- You’re afraid to be late and make a bad first impression with the teacher
- If someone walks into the classroom late, they look flustered and quickly spout apologies and excuses
- In between sessions, you quickly try to find your friends so you’re not standing by yourself
- You spend this time comparing teachers and even sharing a few urban legends/ gossip about the faculty
- There is a rebel group that skips the general session where attendance is not noted
If you’re still not convinced that some parents digress to college students themselves. Here are some direct quotes from the evening:
- “I knew I should have brought margaritas…”
- “Don’t tell my husband I left back to school night early to go get a drink with the girls.”
- “So I was picking up a tequila bottle off my bedroom floor this morning…”
Finally, I attended an “after-party” aka drinks with a few girlfriends where the following statements were made:
- “So you’re basically drinking straight vodka?” “No, they shake it with ice, so little molecules of water get in there too.”
- “I won’t look so sophisticated drinking this martini when I hit the second one.”
- “Shoot, get the check, I promised I would be home by 7:30!”
So you tell me, was I at back to school night as a parent or reliving my days of youth? Either way, I balanced informative with fun!
What kind of apple should I bring the teacher?
My Underwear Isn’t Always Sexy…
and 9 other things that have changed since becoming a mom.
Kids change your life – that will not surprise anyone. They unequivocably impact it for the better. Their unconditional love, wonderment and laughter are gifts to any parent. However, there are few changes in my life that are less desirable. After being a mother for six years, I do not notice the changes very often, but when you notice one, the others become apparent as well.
For me it started with getting dressed this morning. Since I am not still not feeling well, I was looking for something comfy to put on. I reached in the underwear drawer and pulled out a pair that screamed comfort – blue cotton ‘full-butt’. Without thinking I started to cut the fraying elastic band pieces before putting them on. I laughed and thought, ‘oh yeah, my husband bought me new underwear for Christmas and told me to THROW THESE OUT’! So of course, I put them on. The thing is, I don’t wear sexy underwear everyday anymore because comfort and function are more important and, newsflash, I don’t have sex everyday anymore. Hmm, not every week either… This got me to thinking about a few more changes:
- I don’t buy nice furniture. The day I had kids was the day I stopped spending money on furniture they would destroy. When they are older, I will replace the battle weary stuff, but for now, I don’t want to stress over them using the dining room table as a percussion section.
- I think twice about hangovers. Going out on a Saturday night is all fun and games until you have a 3-year-old and 6-year-old that want to have a 7:00 am dance party!
- I shop at Marshalls, Ross and the like. I was a Nordstrom girl before kids and now I just want what’s cheap, especially for my stain attracting kids. My son is the oldest and he had a bunch of Ralph Lauren baby clothes, now he gets Costco and sometimes Wal-Mart.
- I shower at odd hours. I always sleep until at least my kids wake me up (sometime longer thanks to my sweet husband) so I usually have to jump and go into mom or work mode. I try to be showered by 2:00 pm everyday…
- I look for the “clean version” on i-tunes. Once you have been asked, “Mommy, what’s a hoe?”, you realize it’s time to edit the playlists!
- Date nights come dangerously close to urban myth. Not only do you have to get a sitter, etc, you have to not be exhausted from working and parenting to enjoy said date night. The showering and underwear issues have to be taken into account…
- You start to belive in conspiracy theories. For example, I am positive that my kids strategize at night to determine who will wake me and my husband up at what time during the night. They have a beautifully orchestrated plan that gets us up every two hours, yet they pull 10 hours of sleep per night.
- You feel like you’re having sex in your parents house. You never know when a little one is going to come in your room, even if you think they’re sound asleep. Everyone gets signed up for therapy when you hear “Daddy, are you hurting mommy?”
How has your life changed?
10 Declarations From My Kids
As I mentioned yesterday, I love lists and have a few forming in my head about my kids. As the saying goes, kids say the darndest things. My kids are no exception. Sometimes they stop me in my tracks with their insight or absurdity. They make me laugh, scream and cry with their remarks. Here is a list of my favorites:
- Mom, I think the Grinch is mean because he has no friends. So I’ll be his friend and then he will be nice.
- Mommy, if I use my magic wand, I can turn my vagina into a penis
- I like red wine better than white
- Mom, do you think I can have a playdate at charity’s house so I can play with my old toys?
- Thank you for a magical day mommy.
- She scratched me because I stopped her from trying to go tell on me.
- Mommy, I put all my stuffed animals in your bed so you would feel better
- Fuck this game*
- Don’t tell me I can’t marry my brother
- No fair that there is a mother’s day and father’s day, what about kids day?! (Everyday is kids day in this house!)
What is the funniest, craziest or most heart-warming thing your child has said?
*When my son was about 3 1/2 we were playing a board game and he was losing. He dropped the F-bomb to the shock of my husband and I. We quickly explained that his language was not okay and asked where did he hear that. He looked innocently at my husband and said, “From you dad, you say it all the time”! My husband was practically crying, trying to suppress his laughter, he was also impressed that our son had used it in the proper context.
10 Things I’ve Said As A Parent
I can’t sleep, I thought I had solved my frequent insomnia with an herbal sleeping pill, apparently my body has caught on and it may be time for the big guns. As I laid in bed trying to sleep, I was thinking about how much my kids make me crazy, the weird things I say as a parent and why I love them so much. For those of you that know me, you know I love spreadsheets and lists, so here you go, my first parenting list – 10 Things I Have Said As A Parent.
Warning: more to come…
- Get the chair off your head!
- How many did you flush?
- You went pee where?!
- The bathtub is not a water slide!
- If you have 6 more bites of chicken, you can try mommy’s wine.
- Untie your sister, it’s time for dinner.
- We do not put things in our bottoms.
- No sweet girl, you will never have a penis, not even if you have a magic wand
- If this plane had a parachute…
- Please God, keep them safe
I am going to try to get some sleep, what have you said as a parent?
A Real Mom’s Schedule
I often make lists of the goals I want to accomplish for the day and set up a schedule to get everything on the list done. I think that if I reach all my goals, I will get some time to relax and find balance…
I then realize the absurdity of my goals and the fact that the list ensures NO balance! What mother of two young children, working or not, is all caught up and has a moment to relax?! We don’t catch up while are kids are still young, just the way we don’t sleep through the night! So the goal is not checking everything off, but rather prioritizing the list. In my true OCD fashion I have devised a plan to accomplish a few things, while maintaining balance. This is my list (followed be a few revisions in italics) for tomorrow:
- Rise at 6:30 am, eat a healthy breakfast, shower before the kids get up, check Facebook Wake up when the kids wake me up because I will stay up too late tonight working and catching up on Tivo
- Snuggle with my kids until yoga Put the kids in my bed and let them watch a movie while I snuggle and try to sleep until 7:50 then park them in front of a movie so I can get in a half-ass shower where I sort-of shave my legs
- Cancel my 8:00 am conference call so I can do the 8:00 yoga class at the gym Who am I kidding, I have to be on that conference call! Plus, I can’t remember how to get to the gym…
- Attend 8:00 am meeting Call in for meeting at 8:10 because I have to jump out of the shower with conditioner in my hair and shaving cream on my legs to break up the kids fight over what movie to watch, tracking soap and shaving cream through my bedroom and almost slipping on the bathroom tile
- Get dressed and put on make-up during my 9:00 call Start my 9:00 meeting in my bathrobe with wet hair, eat off my kids breakfast plates, with my work phone on mute.
- Meetings from 8-5. While on these conference calls, I will try to get work done, keep up on email, write thank you notes, fold laundry. Get dressed and do my makeup. Experience has taught me to mind the headset cord on my work phone when trying to put my shirt on!
- 5:00 Throw my air-dried lion’s mane in a messy chic pony tail
- 5:05 Help get the kids ready for dinner and leave for sushi with the girls at 5:15. Kiss my kids and husband and leave early so I can have a drink with my girlfriends before dinner
- 8:00 Return home in time to kiss the kids goodnight and start working.
- 8:30 Return from sushi after the kids are in bed so I can avoid the battle, will sit in my girlfriend’s car gossiping to kill time if necessary
- Clean out my closet, finish my work from the day Realize I am tipsy, skip cleaning the closet and turn off my laptop to avoid saying anything inappropriate on work email
You may be asking yourself – how this is balance? I may not get as much done with the revised schedule, but I’ll have more fun!
Suggestions to the schedule accepted! 😉
New Support Group
I am starting a new support group called, “I am a good mother with a full time job and doing the best I can”.
There will be no support group meetings because we have no time, we will not meet in person, because we never get to leave our houses/offices. Instead we will sit in our offices drinking a glass of wine (or stronger) reminding ourselves that we can only do what we can do and it’s ok that we don’t live and breathe our children 24 hours a day.
We will understand that full time moms who make stupid comments like, “Do you think your son is having a hard time because you travel so much?” are simply jealous because they know we have fulfilling careers or that they are too dumb to realize how simplistic their lives are. We will be able to share our work accomplishments with women who get it and don’t think we’re bragging or suggesting we’re more important.
We will celebrate our friends, who are stay at home moms, who help with our kids. We cherish these women who provide balance to our crazy lives.
Finally, we will try to keep ourselves from working until midnight to make up for the fact that we are going to try and watch the occasional t-ball practice or sneak in a quick run, to compete with the co-worker who is single, childless and doesn’t have wonderful friends to give them balance!
Wanna Join?
Pay It Forward
Slightly Off-Balance 
