Home > Humor, Parenting, Quotes > Quotes for My Kids’ Weddings

Quotes for My Kids’ Weddings

One of may favorite bloggers Ironic Mom does Whiteboard Wednesday posts where she talks about something she has said to her kids that sounds bizarre when taken out of context.  Reading her weekly quotes has made me more cognizant of things I say to my own children.

I realized tonight, not only is it fun to pay attention to these funny moments, but these quotes could be great embarrassment when each of my children get married. (Yes, I am THAT Mom).  So today I am providing an entry for the list of quotes I will say at my daughter’s wedding.

My three-year old has developed this habit of torture where she poops at 9:00 every night.  At 7:30, we take her to the bathroom, read her a book (or four) and put her to bed.  After both kids are in bed, my husband and I try to catch  up on work… or internet surfing.  Inevitably, my daughter interrupts my productivity by getting out of bed and announcing she has to poop.  It does not matter if she pooped at dinnertime, bedtime or both.  My husband and I are convinced that she saves some poop to use as an excuse to get out of bed!

Last night was no different.  As I was trying to work (aka party on Twitter) my daughter strolled into my room announcing she had to poop.  My husband is already spared this interruption because his office is at the other end of the house (I am sure he planned that!).  It is also because he recently said she was faking it and sent her to bed, only to discover she was telling the truth and was taking a long time because it was hurting.  She didn’t have a bladder infection, but rather a minor irritation.  But it did require me to do one those “only a parent job” of holding a wipe on her to soothe the stinging.  When I did this she pee’d on my hand!  I couldn’t get upset and simply washed my hand MULTIPLE TIMES!  (This tangent is important, read on…)

Last night, my little diva sat on the potty for at least 15 minutes singing, talking to me or talking to her imaginary friends (she has almost as many as I do!).  I finally go in the bathroom to try and hurry her up and she asks me to hold a wipe on her bottom so she can poop without it hurting.  That’s when I am compelled to say:

“You can’t poop on my hand!

She may have had some discomfort pooping, but that is where I draw the line.  She is going to need a higher paid ass butler for that task!

What weird things have you done for your kids?  Or what thing have you said that would sound strange without (or even with!) context?

Remember, the more comments I get, the less off-balance I think I am…

She's laughing because she has an ass butler!

Categories: Humor, Parenting, Quotes Tags: ,
  1. November 8, 2010 at 6:42 am

    I already find myself saying crazy things and my daughter has no idea what I’m saying. The most recent one was, “Sorry baby. That’s my knee. Milk doesn’t come out of any old place.”

  2. November 8, 2010 at 8:00 am

    When I can stop laughing long enough, I might come up with my own weird thing. Until then, I’m just going to laugh, laugh, laugh. Diane

  3. November 8, 2010 at 9:01 am

    “Cole, of course Mommy doesn’t have snakes coming out of her hands. It was just a drea … will you stop choking out the dog?!! He’s just a little guy!”

    • November 8, 2010 at 10:55 am

      Kali – you are super reliable for perfectly irrational, hilarious quotes! Tell me about the snakes!

      • November 8, 2010 at 12:34 pm

        Perfectly irrational. I think I may have my new tag line or status update. Lol. Awesome.
        The Snakes. The poor kid had a nightmare the other night that involved dragons, monsters, and apparently – snakes coming out of my fingertips.
        I don’t even want to know what Freud would say about this.

  4. Ali
    November 8, 2010 at 9:42 am

    Do you want more comments to feel less off-balanced? Will this really help? I don’t think that comes until they are older. As for me, mine barely speaks yet. I’m enjoying my last days of free cursing for the fun of it.

    • November 8, 2010 at 9:54 am

      Yeah, those days – unfortunately – are over before you realize it. Trust me. BEFORE you realize it. Any time I let the “f” word fall out of my mouth before remembering I’m supposed to be an adult now, my son does not hesitate to remind me. “Mommy, f*ck is a bad word”.
      Awesome. Such a good little listener.

      • November 8, 2010 at 10:56 am

        Kali – can’t they be good listeners just when we want them to?

    • November 8, 2010 at 10:56 am

      Ali – the comments from other people where they share their equally crazy stories, reminds me I am normal! 😉

  5. jen Priest
    November 8, 2010 at 10:39 am

    well my kids are getting a bit older and I still continue to say some very dumb things….. while arguing with my teenage son over something ( there are many things to argue about at this age) I became very frustrated and yelled>>>
    You need to “Stop being polite with Attitude” !!! Very Brilliant

    • November 8, 2010 at 10:59 am

      Jen – I am laughing because if you’re angel of a son was ever going to throw attitude, he would do it with manners! I am convinced you program your awesome kids or drug them or something. They’re amazing!

  6. November 8, 2010 at 12:08 pm

    Oh lord… Here I thought I was the only one who had a child capable of such power over their bowel movements, but your daughter’s skills leave my boy in the dust. I suppose it could be worse.. it could be in the form of Poopapalooza as mentioned here: http://danceswithchaos.wordpress.com/2010/09/23/poopapalooza/

    I think the phrase I utter the most is “We don’t jump on top of and then squish baby sister even when she laughs while you’re doing it.”

    • November 8, 2010 at 12:16 pm

      I love “don’t jump on baby sister”. I am amazed that kids make it through having older siblings!

  7. Melinda
    November 8, 2010 at 9:27 pm

    Lol!! My 3rd sang while she sat or talked to herself so we all stood outside door and giggled. As a recently laid off Ass Butler I feel your pain. I think that should be what you put on your placecard at the wedding.

  8. November 10, 2010 at 7:42 am

    Ass Butler.

    Can you imagine the wanted ad for an ass butler?


    Neither can I.

    Which is probably healthy.

    • November 21, 2010 at 4:16 pm

      Sigh. It would have my picture on it…

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