Working Moms Raise Their Kids Too
“I thought about going back to work too, but I didn’t want someone else raising my kids.”
This is what a very sweet, well-meaning, mother said to me this morning at my daughter’s gymnastics class. I wanted to respond with something like, “Yep, I wanted to have children for the picture frames and then send them off and check in with them on holidays”, but this mom was very nice and she meant well, so I smiled and said, “Yep, it’s a balance”.
Our nanny usually takes my daughter to the class since I work, but today, I took her and was given the once over and “Oh you must be her mom…”. Yes, my daughter has a mother. No, the nanny doesn’t leave her with a pack of female wolves at the end of the day.
As I see it, I do raise my children. Yes, there are 7 hours of preschool and 33 hours of a nanny per week, but otherwise, the buck stops here. The preschool is one I picked based on my personal beliefs on what is most important at this age. I interviewed 7 preschools before choosing this one. I provide direction for our nanny. I set the parameters for discipline and I set the tone for how they are cared for. In other words, I work AND I raise my children. I have people who help me, just as we have teachers who help instruct our children. But I ensure my daughter is raised as the demanding, hilarious diva I had hoped for and I am diligent in raising a control-freak, OCD son who will likely be CEO of a major corporation someday (how else will I retire?). And before I step off my soapbox, here is some evidence that my children are a product of my influence:
- My son will not leave his room if a drawer is open and he cannot sleep if the closet door isn’t closed
- My daughter likes to dance in her underwear on a chair
- My son will correct you if you’re doing it wrong
- My daughter will not stay in her room for time out “Nobody puts Baby in a corner”
- My son will stick up for the picked on kid at school
- My daughter has a snuggling addiction
- My son likes to know the rules
- My daughter likes to break the rules
- My son is super-competitive
- My daughter cheats to win
OMG, wait, I take it all back! I work full-time, who the hell raised these kids?!
I did, I do and I am proud of the results. All parents raise their kids, we just employ different methods of doing it.
What’s the biggest impact you have made on your kids or your parents have made on you?
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Slightly Off-Balance 
This why I love reading your blog and looking forward to each new post! Even though you claim to be slightly off balance, I think you are one of the most balance person I “met”. You represent us all! Working or stay home mom, we all have our perks and ups and down. I love how in the past few post you’re able to lay out the green and not so green area from both side. Just because we’re working full time, doesn’t mean we don’t raise our kids and just because some is stay at home mom doesn’t mean they’re not working, they are- their boss is meaner too – no sick days! Hahaha…. Either way, motherhood or parenthood is 24/7 hr job. Quick little story. During my recent maternity leave, I’m able to take my first daughter to her preschool and finally met some other parents and teacher. I do too receive that comment “So you’re the mom!” and here’s the funny one some mom make comment on how since I wasn’t at work, my daughter dress better compare to when the nanny dress her and how I should be more careful with my choice of nanny and decision of working full time, well the thing is even when I was working, I’m still the one that getting her ready in the morning and prepare everything. But I know she meant well so I just smile. That type of comment used to make me feel guilty, but not anymore because I know I’m doing the best I can and thanks to your Blog I know I’m not the only one! – sorry such a long comment. 🙂
Ah, Sendie-Lou, maybe I should have said that before I sat down and wrote this “balanced” post I cried to my husband for an hour! But we all keep trying!
Love this one, I hate that “I don’t want someone else raising my kids” comment. I am staying home right now but have been a working mom most of my mothering career. I can guarantee you that I am no better of a mom when I am at home…things are different, but that isn’t always better. You are right, it is all about balance 🙂
Thanks Cailin!That’s the key, not putting a judgement on different, just accepting it.
love it! perfect timing since I’m counting down the minutes to go back to work on Monday! Can’t wait to have time to myself..I mean working..
There will be hard days Jill, but you will handle it beautifully!
I’ve been on both sides of this, and both sides have their own challenges and benefits.
So, you like dancing on chairs in your underwear, huh? I knew we were kindred spirits!
Just noticed that the middle part of my comment was eaten, so here it is:
Well said, Paige! And, shame on that woman. Maybe she meant well, but she didn’t THINK BEFORE SHE SPOKE. That is all.
AG – I really think this mom meant well and might even end up being a working mom, but it still hurt regardless of intent. But I also need to let go of the guilt, then those things won’t bother me.
This post stirred up so much emotion for me. I don’t have any choice but to work full time. When my child was a baby, I worked a job I hated so I cried a lot. Now, I work a career that I love, but I still miss her during the day. At this point, for our family, it is good that I work outside the home. We love our home time, but she is in a wonderful Pre-K, she is learning to read at 3, she has so many friends, she LOVES her preschool life. I would have liked more at-home time when she a baby, but even if I didn’t work right now, we would probably send her to this school. It is still a balance, get home, get everything done, be everything to everybody because Mom knows where everything is, and takes care of everything. This is a 2 headed monster that will never be guilt free. I vow to judge no mother who is doing her best.
Tracy – workin a job you love over a job you hate does it make it easier, but it will alwyas be tough as you said. My son loved day care and my daughter loves the gal who takes care of her. My kids are not suffering, so why am I always beating myself up? It’s because I never want to miss a moment. Next week I will work on being realistic!
I think if more people danced on chairs in their underwear and stuck up for those being picked on there would be far less time for judging others. Sounds to me like you are doing a fantastic job raising those kiddos of yours. Hugs, Diane
Diane – I know you’re not surprised about the dancing on chairs! 😉
Man, I want to punch people in the face when they say that.
I know they generally mean well, but it hits me so viscerally. I really would like to be home with my son. But, unfortunately, I prioritize him eating over me wanting to be home. So off to work I go.
I agree, I think they mean well, but it still gets me everytime. And it will continually happen since I will always be the mom people recognize the least…
Aghghgh, you picked my hot spot, Paige! I could spend hours on this subject. How about this story? Enter a career minded, intelligent, wonderful friend who didn’t know if she wanted children. She has a son, quits her job so her husband can work 3 of them, so she can stay home with her son. Now, admirable right? I thought it was great if she could do it financially. But then she began pointing fingers at all the working moms and literally said, “women who work should not have children.” Do you believe this? I almost fell off my chair because she is a friend. I cannot believe in this day and age we are still shredding each other in the pursuit of motherhood. Isn’t motherhood supposed to be kind, nonjudging, and supportive? Some moms work because they have to. Some want to. And it’s all ok! Do we love our kids? Are we there for the important moments? Do we do our absolute best most of the time? If yes, then you are a good mommy. Wonderful post! My rant is over.
Jennifer – Being judged by friends is the hardest! I expct strangers not ot know us and get how awesome we are, but friends should know better!
I have said that before…I work from home, so now the TV watches my kids, or more accurately, my kids watch TV. They are 1 and 2. It’s a no win either way!
Jamie – I have a nanny and still need the TV to watch the kids more often than I care to admit! There’s just not enough time in the day!
Working a full time job makes me feel as if I am missing out on my kids growth. I am working on being a stay at home mom and this article gave me some great ideas on how to make that reality happen for me. Thank you for the great information.
Thanks Shannon! Trust me, there are MANY days I feel like I a missing out, but I try to make the most of it and know that my children benefit from having a variety of consistent, loving people in their lives.
I work witrh family who use nannies but also particiipate and are aware of what their child is doing. Our of the hunderds of kids there are more than likely only a handful of families that I would say were truely using the nanny and school as a means to have little or nothing to do with their child. The mom who is on maturnity leave or is layed off but still sends her kid to school All day. One mom had been laid off more than a year and still sent her son all day. I have a parent who has the nanny care for her child rather than do it herself. She does not read daily report She did not spend time with him over Christmas. She went out of town for one week and did not tell the school or nanny. When she came back she left town again to go see her friend. When she is around her son she does not know what to do thei him. He acts up because all day long he wants he wants to be with his parents. They don’t read any reporats. Nanny gets no support because when he acts up wiht her h
You may want to be careful about allowing your kids to be ocd. I also don’t think time out is an answer so I think you are doing greate making sure you nanny understands your methods. Many Nannies are not child development experts so they need you to guid them. Great for you mom. But i worked with and new a young lady who was ocd and knew the rules and made sure everyone followed them. She did great in school and college. She was a national merit scholor. However she chose to be a teacher. She couldn’t even handle that in the real world. Not everything is black and white. There were conflicting rules at her school. It was a new school and books were late coming in. Long story short she has panic attacks. She had to be taken from her job and can’t work any more. She is extremly over weight. She has long list of things she can’t do and rules for others around her. She has no friends. and Stay at home mom. Her brother works but only has an hourly wage job in a resterant he never finished school and turned to drugs and alchole. Their dad is very succcessful and thought he was doing the best thing by encouraging the ocd too.