Home > Humor, Life, Uncategorized > Fluffy Robe Lover Meets Econo-Massage

Fluffy Robe Lover Meets Econo-Massage

I love massages.  I love the fluffy robes, arriving early for the sauna and steam room and drinking the spiked water (spiked with citrus fruit or pineapple – what’s in your massage water?)

I consider myself a connoisseur of massages.  But scheduling a great massage requires some planning.  I don’t have time in my day for any more planning.  Therefore I usually end up waiting until I feel like a human pretzel and look like the hunchback of Notre Dame before trying to get on the schedule at one of my favorite place.  It goes something like this:

“Hi, I’d like to schedule a massage”

“Great, when would you like to come in?”

“Today please”

“Um, we’re pretty booked up, can you do 2:00?”

“No, that’s the one time I can’t do.  Could you squeeze me at 11:00 am”?

“I’m sorry ma’am*, we completely booked, perhaps another day?”

I think to myself: Another day?! I am in pain and need to be unpretzeled immediately, otherwise, chop me up and serve me with mustard!

*Ma’am?!  I have never smoked, I don’t have a gravely voice, nor do I have a soft or meek voice, I sound “average aged” in my opinion.  Could you please call me miss or chick or senorita?!  Uh-oh, is my “average aged getting older”?  I digress…

When my dreams of massage are massacred and I am faced with not needing to dress up for Halloween, I usually just resort to Advil and wine.  (Don’t judge, it’s later in the day in Europe!)

But now I have a new option…

The economy massage businesses that ar popping everywhere.  You know- massages, manicures, pedicures, waxing and without the fluffy robes, sauna and fruity water.  They look like a nail salon, sound like a nail salon and well, smell like a nail salon.  Which means… yep a nail salon with a back room.

I am leery of such places, but many of my friends has been raving about the new place (including a conservative friend in law enforcement), so I decide to go for it…

I approach the notion of the econo-massage place with the mantra, it’s cheap, you get what pay for so I set my expectations low.

I called to make an appointment.  They were wide open, could see me whenever I would like.

Should this be a red flag?  Nah, it’s cheap!

I get there and it really does smell like nail polish remover..

But it’s cheap!

She takes me to a private room.  This is actually a surprise to me, some places use a common area.

Cheap, but private, cool!

She tells me to take my clothes off (she does not say disrobe).

I think of the seedy “happy ending massage parlor” stories and decide I will be leaving my underwear on thank you very much. (I would ditch them at the comfy robe joints establishments.

She leaves the room and when she comes back she is someone else.  This seems odd to me.

But, hey it’s cheap.

She put on music.

Wow, nice touch for a cheap place.

She starts the massage and two minutes later she leaves.

Huh?  Massage code clearly dictates that once you start, you don’t stop.  If you have a runny nose, wipe it on your sleeve.  If you have to pee, hold it.  If you’re coughing, suck on a hot stone, but keep on rubbin’.

She comes back four minutes later.

This may be cheap, but I better get my 4 minutes!

It starts off fine, but never feels like it gets past the light touch warm-up.

This may be cheap, but dig into my sore muscles!

She asks how I am doing so I ask for more pressure.

“Later” she says.

It’s cheap, it’s cheap, it’s cheap.

The door opens and I hear my masseuse and another woman arguing in another language.  After TWO minutes, I lift my head up to glare at the women destroying my escape time and it’s the woman who walked me in!  I can only speculate there was some client stealing going on.  As I stare, they continue to argue.  When I say, “really?!”, it ends.

Cheap massage, cheap massage.

Then “later” hits… As I lay on my stomach, SHE CLIMBS ON ME. 

WTF?!

Her knees are digging into the back of my knees, she is putting all of her weight on my back with her hands.  I have gone from human pretzel to human jungle gym (something I am quite used to… with my kids, not strangers!)

It’s cheap, it’s cheap, it’s cheap.

Then I hear a metal on metal sound as she begins walking on my back.  I have heard this is a common technique, but how did I not notice the bars on the ceiling?  At least then I wouldn’t have been caught off guard?! 

It’s cheap, it’s cheap, it’s cheap!

As I lay there, I think, how did my conservative friend (and others) fail to mention the acrobatics?!  Fluffy robe and sauna, hell, I would settle for somebody on the ground!

When the massage ends, I flip my head up to make sure I got my extra minutes and I had.  She leaves the room and I decide this will be my last econo-massage.

So what do I do when it’s time to pay for the interrupted, arguing, climbing all over me massage?  I tip her generously, because I am sucker and leave.

Bottom line, busy moms who like fluffy robes, fruity water and massages done with hands should make an appointment in advance and treat it like a hair appointment – let nothing including sick kids get in their way!

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Categories: Humor, Life, Uncategorized Tags: , ,
  1. Lori Dyan
    October 26, 2011 at 6:57 am

    Oh jeezuz – this is definitely a case of getting what you pay for. I once went to a DIVE nail place to get my eyebrows threaded instead of waxed (it was only $5!) and decided at the last minute to get a bikini wax(!). I didn’t realize until my husband mentioned it that I had a landing strip going NW/SE instead of N/S. #lessonlearned

    • October 26, 2011 at 3:19 pm

      Lori, I will definitely pony up the extra money next time, but I have a confession – I do get my eyebrows waxed at the nail place… When you move in across the street you can tell me if it shows! 😉

  2. October 26, 2011 at 7:54 am

    Some of my friends swear by those…I have yet to try one. I have a had a professional massage where I felt like I was assaulted though. She shook me and beat me. Very odd feeling. I am going to avoid those! Maybe I will just stick with the foot massage!

    • October 26, 2011 at 3:24 pm

      I bet there are some good ones out there, but the place I went wasn’t for me. I think massages are wine, they’re all good in theory, but everybody has differen taste.

  3. October 26, 2011 at 10:35 am

    Okay I HAVE to blog next week about my experience with massages.
    I’m not so much the professional.

    In fact, I’m a complete loser.
    Awkward, bumbling, RIDICULOUS.

    But the fluffy robes do sound nice.
    In theory…

    • October 26, 2011 at 3:25 pm

      I can’t wait to read it and will feel honored to have inspired one of your amazing posts!

  4. October 26, 2011 at 11:35 am

    For the record, this chuckling…I’m laughing with you.

    I’ve had a nail salon bikini wax. ONCE.

    I’d comment more but I’m scrambling to find the number for my favorite massage place to schedule an appointment.

    Damn sympathetic pretzeling reflex.

  5. October 26, 2011 at 1:07 pm

    Very, VERY Funny!!! I’m sure it was not terribly funny in the moment, though. It’s hard to find a good massage therapist, and take it from a former one–who wants to spend the money on an hour that you could possible not enjoy. Make a standing appointment for once a month or every couple weeks. You’ll find that your body will hang in there until about 24 hours before it knows it going to get rubbed, and your therapist will love your loyalty! Here are a couple types of massage for those who need pain management more than relaxation: neuromuscular therapy, myofascial release, rolfing and shiatsu–but be prepared to be a balance beam with the last one. Save the swedish and hot stone massages for relaxation. Good luck!!!!

  6. October 26, 2011 at 3:27 pm

    Jen – the beenfit of blogging is there good to be had in things that aren’t funny at the time! 😉 I want all the techniques you mentioned – TODAY!!!

  7. October 27, 2011 at 5:30 am

    Being a guy, I’m ultra-ultra leery of most any massage place . . . I’ve actually stuck with finding students from a local massage school that’s associated with a school that I teach night-time computer courses with, because, well, the last thing I want so to hear “you want happy ending?” and having to explain that I prefer my diseases of the airborne variety.

    But, yeah, if I want to plan an actual massage, that means foresight, and that’s just not a luxury I have right now . . . although a day with a fluffy robe and spiked water sounds pretty freaking cool.

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