Slightly Off-Balance

Two weeks of business travel meant more full-day meetings than this work-from-home-mom is used to.  I swear it takes a special sort of endurance to sit through a day long meeting, regardless of how engaging the topic is.  To show my appreciation to all of you for coming back to read after my extended absence, I am now offering the following meeting survival services free of charge (and free of any proven effectiveness):

• Meetings Do’s and Dont’s
• Emergency Interventions
• Meeting Absence Excuses

Below is a sampling of each product:

Meetings Do’s and Dont’s

• Do not attempt to carbo-load through the meeting.  There will not be a chance to burn it off and instead you will find yourself in a coma at 2:30 right when the vice president asks your thoughts on a topic you have confused for a Duncan Hines commercial.
• Do get up and stand in the back of the room, during a particular tedious section, while maintaining eye contact with the speaker.  This will reduce the tingling in your backside, make you look more alert than the guy sitting next to you with his eyes half closed and likely keep you from being called on.  But don’t stand too close to others in the back of the room, they might be back there because of their gas-inducing boxed lunch.
• Do drink lots of water.  Yeah, it will keep you hydrated, but it also give you the excuse to use the bathroom frequently, at which point you can check Facebook or text a co-worker to stage a fake crisis to get you out of the meeting.  Keep the crisis global, but vague.  “Sorry, I have to slip out the India thing is going sideways.”

Emergency Interventions

If you can’t make up an India Crisis (or some other work calamity) and escape is not an option, let me help you with a diversion.  Send me a text when your boredom or chances of nodding off are dangerously high.  I will lead you through a serious of “activities” to keep you “alert”.  I cannot be responsible for you laughing out loud in a quiet conference room.  Activities include:

• Identify the two worst hair-dos in the room.
• Categorize people by corporate cheerleader, just-here-for-the-paycheck, genuinely interested and looking for new jobs.
• Make up stories about what people are really writing in their notebooks.

Meeting Absence Excuses

If you’re one of those proactive types, it is best to come up with an excuse for not attending the meeting, such as:

• You’re having trouble with your eyes (you can’t see yourself sitting through that meeting)
• You’ve been approached on Twitter to do an interview with US News on your industry.  It makes you sound hip, authoritative and important.
• Go with the good ol’ (and vague), “Gosh, wish I could make it, I am triple booked that day.  Send me the slides, I am interested in the content.”
• You’re spending the day volunteering in your community.  Let the meeting owner know you will be wearing your corporate t-shirt while you’re there. Volunteering always sounds like more fun than a meeting to me.

The choice is up to you – get out of the meeting, survive the meeting or turn it into extreme people watching.  Whatever you choose, operators are standing by…