I am a professional. I am a mother. I am human and need a coping mechanism, for life’s normal stresses. I have tried cocktails, sweets, exercise, retail therapy, gossip, movies and have done many of these things at the same time!
Below are a few words of wisdom that I either personally learned or discovered through a friend. Stress is unavoidable, but follow these lessons to get the most goodness and least ill-effects form a popular mommy coping method – cocktails!
- Beer and Poptarts will cure a hangover brought on by Jager and Root Beer
- If you run our of shot glasses, a belly button makes a good substitute
- Using reusable ice cubes is far more acceptable than putting ice that can melt into your white wine
- If you suspect your friend is drunk, but there is no alcohol in sight, give her a second hug and take a deep breath. You can’t hide the smell.
- If you stupidly decide to give up alcohol during the week unless you’re with friends, start returning dishes, kids clothes or anything else you can find. When they invite you in for glass of wine, it would be rude to say no…
- Liquor is a requirement for karaoke, either for the singer or the listeners, but everyone can’t be sober.
- Wine doesn’t have to be expensive to be effective.
What lessons can you share?
The following lessons may or may not have come from actual or alleged events. You can’t prove these things happened. I destroyed the pictures. Enjoy the lessons and take them to heart!
- There are three slots on an ATM – the one you put the card in, the one you get a receipt from and the one that dispenses the money. These slots are not interchangeable.
- When a friend gives you directions to a bar four times, it is time to pick that friend up from said bar.
- When attempting to rent a stack of chick flicks, it is easier to ask how to open a rental account than to guess other people’s’ account information.
- Short bar patrons are not souvenirs. Even if she is 4′ 10″ one should not try to put her in their pocket.
- Yoga on patio cushions is dangerous.
- There is a brief window where karaoke sounds good: after listeners have had enough to drink to miss the mistakes, but before the singers have had too much to drink and sit down on stage.
- If you’re going to get on your hands and knees to bow to your new friend at the bar because she has six kids and multiple grandchildren, wash your hands afterwards.
- Playing ‘hide the car’ while a friend is in a store, never becomes
- If eye flirting with a guy at the other end of the bar doesn’t create a love connection, throwing ice at him probably won’t either.
- There is a fine line between a classy woman and a two scoops of crazy one.
This is a Public Service Announcement.
In an effort to prepare the public for possible threats of violence, sarcasm, mood swings and emotional breakdowns, the FAIL (Federation of Ambitious and Idiotic Lenters) issue public service announcements when one of their parishioners is embarking on an overly ambitious Lenten gesture.
The following FAIL PSA has just been issued for the Northern California area:
Paige Morgan, a well-meaning, but off-balance, Catholic, has announced that she will be giving up all sweets and liquor for Lent. Yes, you read that correctly: ALL sweets and ALL alcohol. The FAIL is concerned because Paige does not get through a day without a sweet, a drink or both. We feel that the level of her Lenten commitment may put others at risk. Without sweets in particular, Paige has a history of irritability, unexplained bouts of
crying shopping, and irrational behavior. Detailed medical analysis have found that Paige is kept balanced by a consistent diet of chocolate and wine (or beer or Captain).
The following precautions should be taken:
- Do not give your children sweets in front of her. She may inadvertently devour small children in an attempt to eat the treat.
- Hide your cough syrup and witch hazel – we fear she may try to concoct unusual cocktails.
- Keep your doors locked at night. This kind of deprivation may cause her to sleep walk and seek out the M&M’s between your couch cushions.
- Do not threaten, harm or otherwise upset her children (she will be doing enough of that herself). The crazy mama bear is 67% more crazy for the next 40 days!
- Hide your rubber cement, self-tanners and Bedazzlers. Paige has a history of taking on other vices to cope with giving up her addictions.
- If you find her in public, wild-eyed, disoriented and
disheveledmore than disheveled than usual, send her directly to the Betty Crocker Clinic – they know her well there.
- If you know a good hostage negotiator, keep them on speed dial. We especially fear for employees of Baskin Robbins, Mrs. Fields, Godiva and the local liquor store.
Avoid interaction with her during Lent, but should you have an unavoidable encounter, talk to her in a soothing voice the way you would calm an overtired preschooler. Offer her something furry to cuddle with and remind her that good girls get pony rides. But don’t offer her a balloon – she may mistake it for a giant jelly bean and try to eat it.
For those of you wondering how she will complete her Wine Wednesday postings, Paige has decided to consume wine (and eat sweets) for the next 24 hours straight before she starts Lent on Wednesday. Keep this in mind as her posts may be
confusing, hard to follow her normal incoherent rambles.
Have you ever given up one (or more) of your vices? How did it go?
Let’s start with any easy one:
The party animal can down a pitcher of cheap suds before you can say Natural Light. He’s also most likely to end up working construction, building his beer belly faster than he builds houses.
Then you have the more sophisticated beer drinker. He’s tested the waters/taps/breweries and discovered a taste for the subtleties of a well brewed stout, pilsner or bock. This guy is a thinker, maybe a little staid but more likely to be able to carry on a conversation well into his third or fourth tankard.
How about those scotch drinkers? Talk about your somber character! He’s probably a silent drunk, never letting you into his mind, unless it’s to spout his opinion on politics. Also, more often a taker or a bore in bed.
A straight man who prefers to drink white wine needs to do some soul searching about his sexuality. Seriously.
Fruity concoctions? If not consumed on the beach or vacation, see my notes on white wine drinkers. Exception to this rule: Margarita and sangria drinkers. They know what they like and are confident in their manhood. Also, they know how to please a lady or look really good in their swim trunks.
Oh, you’re wondering about doing shots? Come on, that’s just a guy who’s late to the party and trying to catch up. He’s also more likely to pass out on you before getting down to business, if you know what I’m saying..
Of course there are exceptions to every rule and people do change. A certain gentleman, who will remain nameless, recently admitted to drinking Zimas. But I’d like to think he has redeeming qualities.
And yes, I’m happy to make sweeping unfounded generalizations about your guy too.
My friend over at A Diary of a Mad Woman was discussing how she identified her future husband in part by his choice of beers. (Ask me how much I love this!) We started chatting back and forth and I decided to amuse you with my ultra scientific analysis of what your beverage of choice says about you.
This analysis is just for fun. I am not a psychiatrist, bartender or any other kind of expert. But I am blatant abuser of stereotypes and generalizations!
Wine - Your goal is to remain in control or at least appear to be trying. You’re sophisticated and you have a keen understanding of what you want out of life. I know this because you have taken the time to figure out if you’re a cab girl or a Pinot girl.
Champagne – You fall into one of two camps – crazy like my friend Sarah who can drink six bottles in an evening or somebody who enjoys parties, celebrations and savoring important moments. You may or may not scrapbook.
Jagermeister - You are a good time and we should hang out. I am teased for my love of Jager, but I seem to have a better tolerance for that than champagne, so for me it’s
the responsible party drink what I choose when I am looking to go big!
Jack Daniels – Damn girl, you’re hard-core and can hang with boys. I am in awe of you and slightly afraid of you.
Martinis – It really depends on what kind.
- If you drink a classic martini, you are sophisticated, classy and therefore I have never met you. I suspect you are smart, powerful and own several Hermes scarves.
- If you drink dirty martinis – do I even have to explain this one?!
- If you drink Cosmopolitan’s you love girls’ night out and have a romantic side.
Margaritas – You are fun! You love the summertime, sunshine and get-togethers with friends. You are easy-going but know what you like. I have never met a margarita drinker I didn’t like.
Beer – This is another one that depends on the type of beer.
- If you drink Guinness or Guinness blends (like black and tans) you are a guys girl and like sports.
- If you drink Coors Light, you are a classic. If you’re a true fan of the silver bullet, you have multiple uses for duct tape. Either way, you’re fun and easy-going.
- If you drink Corona or Pacifico – see Margarita and call me!
- If you drink any other beer, you’re a bit of an aficionado and I would need to break down your personality further in a separate consultation. But I am willing, just tell me what bar we’re meeting at.
Vodka – You vodka drinkers are a mixed bag because there are so many different ways to consume the vodka.
- You could be one of the sturdy ones who can drink without ever falling down or making an ass of herself. These vodka drinkers are independent, loyal and wise.
- Or you could be the train wreck who typically drinks to the point of disaster. You are a ton of fun until the wheels come off the track. You’re personality is a little hard to pin down, but it involves a wide range of emotions.
- Or you could be the unpredictable vodka drinker who waffles between civilized and intelligent and lunatic. You’re a hoot to place bets on! You’re fun, sweet and a little off-balance.
- Then there are the rest of the vodka drinkers, I need to conduct more research on this population.
Trendy Drinker - Then there is the girl who knows the latest it cocktail. Past trendy drinks have been the Bellini, the Cosmo, the Mojito, the Pomegranate Martini, the Jalapeno Martini and many more that I am not trendy enough to know. You have a great eye for fashion, a great job, a rich partner or high credit card balance. You also know the hottest spots to drink the trendiest cocktails.
I have drunk all of the above and have a little of
all most of the above personalities, so again for humor, not criticism. How did I do? Do you agree? Disagree? Want to fight it out over happy hour?
For my male readers, if you comment on this post that you want me to write the male version I will. If you think you can handle it…
I have shared with you that on New Years Eve I demonstrated my maturity by consuming some adult beverages and showing off my hula-hooping skills. But Dr. Oz has validated me! Last week he featured a segment on the hula hoop workout. Do you know what this means?!
- I am at the front of a fitness trend, I was hula hopping before Dr. Oz!
- I can multi-task: I was celebrating New Years and exercising.
- You can exercise and drink at the same time! This falls in line with my 5K selection criteria!
- If you hula-hoop while drinking, the calories won’t count.
- I am not a dork, I am a fitness guru.
- I have found a form of exercise I can do while dressed up, as suggested by the pictures below.
Thank you Dr. Oz for confirming what I have been trying to share with people. Hula-hooping is good for you!
How do you have fun while exercising?
Is it sad that I could provide two different pictures of me actually hula-hooping as an adult???
I am recovering from my exhibition of class and maturity. Here are the twelve steps for a mature and dignified New Years Eve celebration:
- Get a babysitter. I am a responsible parent. Usually…
- Dress up – we looked classy and mature
- Go to a burger joint – we were overdressed, but the food is yummy
- Play college drinking games like Circle of Death (our rules are slightly different, but you get the idea)
- Pull the fourth king (yep, lucky me) and pound a cup of champagne, Chambord, Jack Daniels and Diet Coke. Ugh!
- Have a hula-hooping contest. No, I am not kidding.
- Liberate the kids superhero masks and take pictures.
- Decide the anonymity of the masks is perfect for toilet-papering and choose a
victimlucky recipient. Our choices were the family who just had a baby and bought a new car or the couple who left our soiree early. (We only attack people we know. It’s a sign of friendship.) We chose the neighbors who left early. That’ll teach ‘em…
- Convince the sober driver (yes, we had one) our idea was a good one.
- Go to my house to steal toilet paper. I snuck in thru the garage so as not to
wake the kidstip off my husband who had left the party fifteen minutes earlier and had told me not to go TP’ing…).
- Toilet paper the neighbor’s house while wearing superhero masks and take pictures.
- Regret our decisions this morning when it was pouring down rain…
Needless, to say, I had to make an apology call today, after getting up with the kids at 7:00 am.
I know what you’re thinking. You think that I make this stuff up, that I couldn’t really be this immature.
Happy New Years!
I was out for yet another holiday event last night – don’t try this at home kids, I am a professional. I went out for sushi and drinks with some girlfriends. There are many highlights, but I think I can sum it all up with my friend’s gift idea: the Shotski. It’s ecofriendly (if you find a ski in a dumpster), cheap and unique.
Do you hate when one person drinks their shot before everyone else? Do you have a friend who nurses their shot? Do you know someone who has everything? The Shotski is for you.
What’s your go-to gift this season?