I am recovering from my exhibition of class and maturity. Here are the twelve steps for a mature and dignified New Years Eve celebration:
- Get a babysitter. I am a responsible parent. Usually…
- Dress up – we looked classy and mature
- Go to a burger joint – we were overdressed, but the food is yummy
- Play college drinking games like Circle of Death (our rules are slightly different, but you get the idea)
- Pull the fourth king (yep, lucky me) and pound a cup of champagne, Chambord, Jack Daniels and Diet Coke. Ugh!
- Have a hula-hooping contest. No, I am not kidding.
- Liberate the kids superhero masks and take pictures.
- Decide the anonymity of the masks is perfect for toilet-papering and choose a
victimlucky recipient. Our choices were the family who just had a baby and bought a new car or the couple who left our soiree early. (We only attack people we know. It’s a sign of friendship.) We chose the neighbors who left early. That’ll teach ‘em…
- Convince the sober driver (yes, we had one) our idea was a good one.
- Go to my house to steal toilet paper. I snuck in thru the garage so as not to
wake the kidstip off my husband who had left the party fifteen minutes earlier and had told me not to go TP’ing…).
- Toilet paper the neighbor’s house while wearing superhero masks and take pictures.
- Regret our decisions this morning when it was pouring down rain…
Needless, to say, I had to make an apology call today, after getting up with the kids at 7:00 am.
I know what you’re thinking. You think that I make this stuff up, that I couldn’t really be this immature.
Happy New Years!
I set some lofty goals for this holiday season. I knew you have been unable to sleep at night wondering how much I pulled off. (A bottle of wine equals a sleeping pill, just a suggestion).
Well, let’s score my results - red means I failed, green means I passed:
- Make it to the gym at least four days each week to counteract the 12 Pounds of Christmas FAIL – I have been twice since December 20th. But does it count that I ate and drank even more than I had planned on? I think so.
- Clean-out my closet. Thanks to my husband’s gifts, I did this even more thoroughly than planned.
- Help my kids with their charity donations. My kids are awesome, they filled three large trash bags and got rid of enough bath toys to make me actually want to bathe in my own tub!
- Clean-out my husband’s office – It’s the embarrassing catch-all room and it looks like somebody threw up a recycling bin in there. It looks better, we found the bed and floor, removed all signs of Christmas wrapping and cleaned out two years worth of the kids are projects.
- Have at least three playdates for the kids and three “mommy playdates”. I am really an overachiever in this area! I had multiple mommy play dates! Oh yeah and the kids played with some friends too.
- Upload pictures to Facebook and make discs for people. Ha ha ha. Not going to happen. One of my friends saw this post and asked for a disc. She knows better now.
- Visit family and friends 3 hours away, 1 hour away and 30 minutes away. Fail. Other than my husband’s grandparents, we never left the neighborhood.
- Host Christmas dinner. I set a beautiful table, my husband made an amazing meal and we bought a decadent dessert. But I do have some yummy new recipes to try out… some other time.
- Take down already dead tree and Christmas decorations on December 26th. Buh-bye Christmas! Not a shred of holiday cheer left in sight. (But there is still plenty of cheer in the liquor cabinet!)
And now I would like a nap.
And some Tums.
We have survived Christmas! Despite the state of affairs in my house on the morning of Christmas Eve (if you didn’t read this post, please do, it’s one of my favorites), we had a lovely holiday. The food was delicious, the wine was effective and all the toys had off switches.
Christmas morning was an overwhelming display of
consumerism over-indulgence normal chaos for our house. Last year, we got the kids a Wii and my daughter a play kitchen so there were fewer presents, but they were big-ticket items. This year, none of us had any big tickets items on our Christmas lists, so Christmas morning looked like this:
This is just the present for my kids, my husband and myself. I am sure there is a support group somewhere my husband can join. Yes, he does more shopping than I do at Christmas, but I make up for it the rest of the year!
As I opened the gifts from my husband, a clear message was delivered: Despite how comfortable they are, my husband is not happy with my
lingerie and loungewear old cotton underwear and ratty pajamas (except for the cute pair from the pajama exchange). As I opened box after box, he instructed me to throw out everything else. He also got me two new pairs of shoes, a new purse and new running shoes. There is no doubt in my mind, this was his cry for help. He wants me to step it up and look more like the wife I have the potential to will never be. Fortunately, he is realistic, it was not all lace thongs and teddys. He gave me some cute flannel pants and new full-butt underwear. (Judge me if you want, but I like both my buns covered when I sleep). His present were balanced. I can get dressed up and look great presentable a few times per week, but I am not the woman who is perfectly put together everyday. This would be impossible considering I do not even get dressed every day.
The gifts of course forced me to clean out my closet and drawers. Which leads me to the update: How did my Blonde Ambition Holiday Tour go? You’ll have to wait until tomorrow to find out. It’s 4:15 and I have a pie in the oven (from a box), cocktails to drink (never from a box, well almost never…) and a dinner party to attend. Really, our friends are frying a turkey tonight. Because ’tis the season of over-indulgence and I hope I have made it clear – I am a huge fan of over-indulgence!
This is the grand finale of the Seven Deadly Sins Challenge. I am asked to provide seven love secrets. This is a PG-13 blog on its raciest days and does not necessarily reflect my wild side, but here are seven love secrets.
- My husband and I had sex in a room full of people (watching a loud movie in the dark) without anyone knowing. College or post-college – you decide…
- When my son was 14 months, we were on vacation in Hawaii.
My husbandI got the tropical itch and persuaded my husband to have sex while our son was in his crib. He woke up and yelled, “Daddy, no!” Game Over!
- Every guy I know has the same dream - trifecta. If you can’t figure it out, I can’t tell you. No, it’s not a threesome.
- I still wear my wedding night lingerie every year on our anniversary.
- My husband and I have a code word for oral sex (no, not going to tell). I let it slip once with some girlfriends and now this common phrase gets me into all sorts of laughter and trouble.
- The lock on our bedroom door doesn’t work. Now that our son is older, we often use a chair to block the door, just in case.
- 6:00 pm is my hot time. It makes cooking dinner with my husband fun, but leads nowhere with two hungry children.
As I am writing this, I am trying to think of all the people I know who read this. I am hoping to not forget the one person I wouldn’t want to look in the eye when I realize they know some of these things. Oh well, that would be a blog post in itself!
I told you mine, now tell me yours!
Last week I attended a pajama exchange party. Basically a bunch of women got together for wine, appetizers and a game of pajama
exchange stealing. The evening was fun on so many levels. Our hostess has a beautiful home with perfect decorations, she had delicious appetizers and never-ending wine. (When will I learn that I always have one glass too many?) I only knew half of the fabulous women before arriving, but loved the other half I met enough to friend them on Facebook. I think this is rare. Usually, you meet new people, enjoy chatting with them and don’t give it another thought. I don’t know if it was the combination of wine and pajamas, but I am a fan of all of these gals.
AND, I went home with fabulous pajamas – deliciously soft light blue reindeer pants with a tank top that had a reindeer with a TIARA! These pajamas were clearly designed for me. Our hostess also gave us each a pair fo sexy underwear, which is great, because since becoming a mom, my underwear isn’t always sexy!
In addition to enjoying myself and drinking a tad more than I had planned, I also learned many valuable lessons. Unfortunately, some of them are too delicate to share on my blog, but think of women, wine and sleepwear and imagine the conversations! So here’s a few things I can pass on:
- Comfort is more coveted than sex appeal. All of the pajamas were beautiful, but some of the most fought over were the kind of thing you hate to take off even to wash!
- When you hope to prevent your gift from being stolen, stuff it in your bra!
- Not wearing underwear with a thick seamed pair of work-out pants might lead to pleasure… (note this is tamer than the lessons I can’t write about…) I should also say that one piece of advice in particular was so appreciated by my husband that he encouraged me to spend much more time with this group of women!
- Men mistake hot flashes for an invitation. Just because the pajamas come off doesn’t mean…
- Book clubs are not just for readers, some just come for the wine!
- As I have said before, women will come up with any excuse to get together and drink. (Hell, I have even met virtually with a group of writers while we tweeted and drank wine).
At this party we talked about putting together a book club that would meet at a nightclub (yes, really) and it got me to thinking, what other “reasons” could we come up with to get together, drink some wine and laugh like school girls?
This is where you come in! What ideas do you have for a female get togethers? I am looking for something that sounds like it’s legitimate (so that husbands don’t think twice about watching the kids) like a book club, but can be done over cocktails. I am also a fan of anything that fuels humor and over-sharing!
Laughing is good for the soul and alcohol is good for everything else!
I am sitting here ridiculously full from a meal out with friends and their kids. When I finished my meal off the guilt free menu, I moved on to my kids’ hamburger and chicken nuggets. Unbeknownst to me they had gotten a hold of the salt shaker, that didn’t stop me. I am now uncomfortable. This will explain the theme of my envy.
- I envy people who are smarter than me and don’t overeat.
- I envy those who don’t crave cheese, chocolate, butter and carbs all day long.
- I envy those who have the willpower to turn down sweets. (My husband just brought me a piece of candy that I should not eat. Hmmm… yum.)
- I envy people who wake up excited to workout.
- I really envy those who don’t need to workout
- I envy anyone who doesn’t have a stomach ache right now.
- I envy pregnant women with an excuse to eat and gain weight. (Don’t confuse me with the details that they have to lose the weight afterwards.)
Does anyone think I have a problem? If so, let’s discuss it over a slice of pizza.
I have bragged through vanity, recovered from gluttony and had a blast with greed, so it’s time to move on to seven things I neglect to do. First I have to say that lately I feel like listing seven things I don’t neglect to do would be much simpler! Does anybody else feel like life is chaos right now? I feel like I am barely treading water and slightly (or majorly) behind on everything!
- Wash my hair. I really am lazy and sometimes I get up in the morning and have so much to do that washing my hair feels like a waste of time. I always take a shower… eventually…
- Mail greeting cards. I have cards, I think of people on certain occasions, but I can’t get them to the post office! Similarly, I have baby gifts for two people that have been sitting on my counter for weeks!
- Floss. At least I am honest.
- Exercise. I was on a roll, now I just look like one.
- Share pictures. I have taken so many great pictures of friends and their kids, someday they will get to see them.
- Clean out my closet. Ugh.
- Breathe. So today, I cut out early from work (I am on business travel), bought a cupcake and inhaled it.
What are you neglecting to do? Is it because you’re busy or the task is not appealing?
Here are my seven worldly material desires (Santa, I hope you’re reading this):
- Palatial Pad: A house on the hill overlooking the lake and the city with a disappearing edge swimming pool
- Killer Car: BMW 650 convertible. I have always been practical and never owned a sports car or a convertible. Mommy needs a sweet ride!
- The Life: I’d like to be able to quit my job, keep my nanny and do the good work you don’t get paid for (and still get everything on this list, of course!)
- Travel: Most parts of the world fascinate me and I would like to see it all. I want to plan vacations to the destinations my kids are learning about in school. If they are learning US history, I want to take them to Washington, DC. And when they’re not learning about a specific place, I want to travel anyways.
- Diamonds: Earrings, a tennis bracelet, an upgrade on my wedding ring. I am a girl who likes the bling.
- Wardrobe: Goodbye Old Navy and Target, hello custom fit, designer threads. Jimmy Choo’s and Louis Vuitton bags fall in here too.
- Vacation homes: Yes, that is plural. A house on our favorite lake, a house in the snow, a beach house in Hawaii.
I know this is about greed, but as I finish this list, I am not as excited as I thought I would be. Sure, I would love all the things on the list above, but it seems to me that these only sound nice if I have nailed the important stuff:
- Healthy family and friends
- Happy, confident children
- A loving, supportive husband
- Great friends
- Balance – less stress, more smiles
The thing is I do have the above most of the time (well, I am working on balance), so I am not sure I can ask for more. With it being Thanksgiving week, I am so thankful for my blessings that the material stuff doesn’t seem as important.
What do you want more than anything? It is ok to say the purse or the shoes. Because let me tell you, if I win the lotto, I will have no trouble spending it.
As I mentioned last night, I am going to do seven posts about my seven deadly sins. Last night I covered vanity. In honor of the tens of thousands of calories I plan to consume today, I am covering the second sin: gluttony. Here are my seven guilty pleasures – narrowing it down to seven will be tough!
- Any cocktail with rum, but not Malibu rum – too sweet!
- Yellow cake with chocolate frosting
- Pizza and beer
And what makes me the most gluttonous? That I would gladly attempt to eat and drink all of the above on the same day!
I feel compelled to dedicate this post to several friends. You know who you are and here’s why:
- Most people think of Napa for its wine, but we know it’s just a beautiful food fest with wine on the side.
- CRACK CAKE! This cake is more addictive than any drug I have ever heard of.
- We won’t drink the whole bottle tonight… (famous last words about wine)
- Hmmmm – the universal sound of gluttony.
- She has hidden candy bars in her couch! Really!
I really need to pull it together. I am on a business trip and when I landed I went to retrieve my rental car from Avis. I looked on the board, saw my name, P. Moran and headed for the parking space where my car was. I loaded all my stuff, got in, adjusted the mirror and prepared to start the car. I glanced up at the rental card, because since I have stolen a rental car once, I always double-check.
Stop – you know you’re curious about the first stolen car, go read it, I’ll wait here. Do you want me to hold your keys? If you’re in a hurry just read the part under fairy amusing.
Welcome back. So, I checked the card on the dashboard. Yep, P. Moran, that’s me. Wait, P. Moran, I am actually P. Morgan you silly people.
I thought it was strange that they spelled my name wrong since I have my whole profile saved in the system, so I flipped the card over – who the heck is Pam Moran?! Could they have really goofed my name up that badly? Since I already have a special mark next to my name in the Avis system as someone who grabs any car lying around, I thought it best to go back and check the board again. I take all my stuff out of the car and start walking back towards the Avis Podium. An Avis employee sees me walking back with my stuff. “Ma’am, is everything ok with the car?” (I wish he would have said Miss). “I think I may have almost gotten in the wrong car or you have some typos on my rental card,” I explain.
We look at the board and there is P. Moran and, what do you know, P. Morgan is right below it…
Make me feel better, share with me a blooper you have committed.