I had a fabulous girls weekend. Friday night was
book club a passion party and Saturday I left for San Francisco for some quality time with my cousin (who is more like a sister). I had a wonderful weekend full of laughs, yummy food and female bonding, but certainly learned a few lessons:
- When soup boils over, do not grab a wet paper towel to pull the grate off the burner, in order to clean it immediately. Fight the OCD impulses, wait until the stove has cooled down and never use a wet towel – paper or otherwise.
- When hosting a passion party, not only do you need to have the kids out of the house, but they need to remain out of the house until you do a full cleaning. Check under the sofa to make sure there are no passion party product catalogs that your kids can find.
- When departing for the city – listen to the advice you give your kids – go potty before you leave. While you may not be conspicuous running through Union Square doing the pee pee (or worse) dance, it can be uncomfortable and the thought of not making it to the hotel bathroom frightening.
- When driving to any big city, choose your car wisely. The biggest SUV on the road is not the best choice. If you have no other vehicle option, make sure you know the height restrictions of the parking garage AND the height of your car. Accuracy is important here, otherwise one might learn what those metal tube height signs sound like when they scrape the top of your car. Luggage racks can act as the
sacrifical lamblife saver in this situation.
- Valet parking (with the additional oversize vehicle fee) at the hotel is expensive, but slightly less than the deductible on your car insurance. Suck it up when the valet mentions your car is not the best choice for the city.
- Eating your way through San Francisco may sound like a
goodgreat idea, but should be left to the professionals. Over eating can lead to food coma which can cause falling asleep during the previews of a movie and one should be careful about sleeping in the Metreon. Three such food comas in 24 hours probably isn’t healthy and may result in a sleepless night, despite the Heavenly Bed.
- Check your cell phone alarm clock and ensure it is off. Waking up at 6:00 am on a girls weekend after a night of food coma fall-out can be hazardous.
- If you plan to shop in the city, tell your husband in advance to avoid shell shock. If you don’t plan to shop in the city, you’re just fooling yourself. Shopping in the city is as unavoidable as encountering crazy, ranting women with black eyes and missing teeth.
- When a man is sitting in the park with a sign that says “Free Advice”, you should stop and listen. It can’t be worse than the advice we give our friends.
- There is nothing better for your soul than a weekend of girl time (and nothing worse for your waist line).
The wonderful thing about blogging is that you don’t see me! This was reinforced when the lovely Kelly at Dances with Chaos bestowed upon me the Stylish Blogger Award. I assume she must like my style of writing, also known as self deprecation, because if she could actually see me, she would not have used the word stylish – at least on a daily basis. Perhaps you think I am kidding when I say, I don’t get dressed every day or wash my hair every day. I am a wreck people! I need one of those fashion and beauty makeovers. Hint hint… I tried to do something new with my hair and my stylist said no, she didn’t think I could handle dramatic change! My 21-year-old nanny puts together my outfits for important occasions (like leaving the house).
But enough about my style, or lack thereof. Let me tell you about Kelly. Her kids are a little bit younger, but our challenges and fleeting sanity are the same. I love her combination of photos and witty writing. She is also the genius who taught me to take pictures of my kids messes so that I don’t kill them. I guess that also makes her a life saver.
In accepting the Stylish Blogger Award, I am supposed to write seven things you might not know about me:
- I am usually up for anything – if you can get me out the front door. I seem to lack initial motivation. Or the proper shoes.
- My nickname is the “Hostage Negotiator” or the “Devil’s Advocate”. In personality assessments its known as the stabilizer. I think it is just an upside to being a people pleaser, which is not always a good thing. So I am working on that, you know, pissing people off more and pleasing less.
- I am afraid of heights! As in anything above the second floor. I tried jumping off a bridge into a lake to cure my fear. It didn’t help. At all.
- I have had melanoma twice and am psychotic about sunscreen. But I still love all summer and water activities. And I refuse to wear sun protective clothing. Because I am so stylish. Ahem.
- The best compliment you can give me is to tell me I did something that made you feel good. Or that you can relate to something I said or wrote.
- I hate being cold, but I usually am, and I often over dress for any weather. And over dress my kids. Then my husband took away my kid dressing privileges. This is not related to my lack of style, just my lack of a functioning internal thermostat.
- I love food, drinks, hula-hooping and mildly inappropriate fun (okay, you probably already knew that about me!)
In order to continue to pay it forward, I must nominate six bloggers for this award. This is hard because there are so many amazing bloggers that frankly, it’s intimidating. But here are six bloggers that I feel make me a better writer.
- Lori Dyan - Her three-year old rocks the naked style, her 7-year-old might be a genius and I never miss reading what she writes. She has made me laugh so hard I have pee’d a little. What?! I said a little!
- Ironic Mom – Her motto is “If you can’t laugh at yourself, laugh at your kids”. She is my favorite brand of “real” mom!
- A Diary of a Mad Woman – Talk about stylish! She showed up to a lunch pregnant wearing fabulous red leather boots! And her writing is as powerful as her shoes.
- By Any Other Name – Julie is my sister separated at birth. Her posts are funny, they resonate to the point I think she might be stalking me (and I hope she is) and they come from the heart.
- The Life of Jamie - She recently referred to her daughter as “The Dirty Little Chapstick Thief” – what more do you need to know?!
- Working Mom Journal – I am afraid she may be to smart for me – she’s an engineer! But she is a working mom, wise beyond her years and I suspect she may be stylish too! She has a refreshing positive perspective and helps keep me balanced!
There you have it – six blogs you need to go read right now! Why are you still here. Go read, but come back and visit soon, okay? Pretty please.
The rules passed on to me say to accept this award you are:
- Supposed to link back to who nominated you.
- List seven things we might not know about you.
- Share the “love” and pay it forward by naming six other blogs you enjoy.
My friend over at A Diary of a Mad Woman was discussing how she identified her future husband in part by his choice of beers. (Ask me how much I love this!) We started chatting back and forth and I decided to amuse you with my ultra scientific analysis of what your beverage of choice says about you.
This analysis is just for fun. I am not a psychiatrist, bartender or any other kind of expert. But I am blatant abuser of stereotypes and generalizations!
Wine - Your goal is to remain in control or at least appear to be trying. You’re sophisticated and you have a keen understanding of what you want out of life. I know this because you have taken the time to figure out if you’re a cab girl or a Pinot girl.
Champagne – You fall into one of two camps – crazy like my friend Sarah who can drink six bottles in an evening or somebody who enjoys parties, celebrations and savoring important moments. You may or may not scrapbook.
Jagermeister - You are a good time and we should hang out. I am teased for my love of Jager, but I seem to have a better tolerance for that than champagne, so for me it’s
the responsible party drink what I choose when I am looking to go big!
Jack Daniels – Damn girl, you’re hard-core and can hang with boys. I am in awe of you and slightly afraid of you.
Martinis – It really depends on what kind.
- If you drink a classic martini, you are sophisticated, classy and therefore I have never met you. I suspect you are smart, powerful and own several Hermes scarves.
- If you drink dirty martinis – do I even have to explain this one?!
- If you drink Cosmopolitan’s you love girls’ night out and have a romantic side.
Margaritas – You are fun! You love the summertime, sunshine and get-togethers with friends. You are easy-going but know what you like. I have never met a margarita drinker I didn’t like.
Beer – This is another one that depends on the type of beer.
- If you drink Guinness or Guinness blends (like black and tans) you are a guys girl and like sports.
- If you drink Coors Light, you are a classic. If you’re a true fan of the silver bullet, you have multiple uses for duct tape. Either way, you’re fun and easy-going.
- If you drink Corona or Pacifico – see Margarita and call me!
- If you drink any other beer, you’re a bit of an aficionado and I would need to break down your personality further in a separate consultation. But I am willing, just tell me what bar we’re meeting at.
Vodka – You vodka drinkers are a mixed bag because there are so many different ways to consume the vodka.
- You could be one of the sturdy ones who can drink without ever falling down or making an ass of herself. These vodka drinkers are independent, loyal and wise.
- Or you could be the train wreck who typically drinks to the point of disaster. You are a ton of fun until the wheels come off the track. You’re personality is a little hard to pin down, but it involves a wide range of emotions.
- Or you could be the unpredictable vodka drinker who waffles between civilized and intelligent and lunatic. You’re a hoot to place bets on! You’re fun, sweet and a little off-balance.
- Then there are the rest of the vodka drinkers, I need to conduct more research on this population.
Trendy Drinker - Then there is the girl who knows the latest it cocktail. Past trendy drinks have been the Bellini, the Cosmo, the Mojito, the Pomegranate Martini, the Jalapeno Martini and many more that I am not trendy enough to know. You have a great eye for fashion, a great job, a rich partner or high credit card balance. You also know the hottest spots to drink the trendiest cocktails.
I have drunk all of the above and have a little of
all most of the above personalities, so again for humor, not criticism. How did I do? Do you agree? Disagree? Want to fight it out over happy hour?
For my male readers, if you comment on this post that you want me to write the male version I will. If you think you can handle it…
Yes, I can read your mind and I know you are looking for some wine recommendations.
My friend Eileen, started participating in Wine Wednesdays, the brain child of Alana at Life on the Mom List. Each Wednesday they selflessly consume bottles of wine to review. I want to be selfless too! (Or I just want an excuse to drink wine every Wednesday).
Drink wine? I am really good at that! Write about the wine I drink, hmmm… sounds fun. It also sounds dangerous if I write while consuming, so I may need to work on the logistics.
You may be thinking, “Paige what qualifies you to review wine’. My response to this is if experience leads to wisdom, I am very wise about wine.
I must add that I am not being compensated or encouraged to drink any particular wine. I am going to drink whatever I feel like drinking. But if someone wants to give me wine to write about… I would love it! But, be warned – honesty is my
best worst quality.
Without further ado, I present my first review: Hunt Cellars “Rhapsody in Red” Reserve Red Wine (2001)
Description per label: Hunt Cellars is dedicated to producing “Memorable Wines”. Here is our 2001 Rhapsody in Red Reserve, a meritage blend of Cabernet Sauvignon, Merlot and Cabernet Franc from our estate.
Smooth delicious flavors will dance on your palate teasing you with wild cherries, red, black and Bing cherry flavors with overtones of jammy cassis, vanilla, chocolate, coffee beans and the perfect induction of layered oak. This lush delicious wine has been hand crafted in small lots and barrel aged 28 months in French and American oak creating perfect balance and concentrated Bordeaux varietal flavors.
Review: There are two types of days that call for a unique bottle of wine: a fabulous day and a horrible one. On a great day, you mark the occasion with something special, you want to savor the memory of this day. On my son’s first day of kindergarten, I drank a good bottle to celebrate not severely warping him… yet. On a bad day you look for something amazing that has the power to erase the day. When my daughter emptied my make-up drawer into the bath, it took an exceptional bottle to keep me from giving her away.
When I sat down to enjoy this wine, it had been a day of highs and lows. We had new furniture delivered and the sofa was perfect, better than expected; but the rug was an atrocity and the table was damaged. With each sip, the negative aspects of the day dissipated and I was transported to a dreamy place of gourmet food, flattering lighting and soft music. My first impression was smooth chocolate, but not sweet. It is a big, chewy wine that has subtle tannins through the finish. This deep wine did not smack me with fruit, but rather lulled me with accents of cherry and coffee. I am confident that this bottle could suit the best or worst day. Although, the current retail price demands this level of pleasure, so as not to disappoint (price appears at the bottom).
They say that when a person loses one of their five senses, it makes their other senses more acute. This exceptional wine proves that true. The winemaker, and owner, David Hunt is blind and it certainly has enhanced his sense of taste and smell.
On a scale of 1-10, I rate this “memorable” meritage as a 9.
Suggested pairings: Steak, lamb, game and the day you lose your job or win the lottery.
Alcohol Content: 13.9%
Price: Purchased for $35. Current retail price: $90 *A note about the price, I won’t always review something this expensive. In fact, my next bottle will be under $10!
The following is a guest post from Pursey Gallore who I hosted for the weekend. Pursey is a sassy, sequins, zebra purse, who travels the country to raise awareness and money for The American Stroke Association as the Ambassador for Project: Purse and Boots. You have heard of hostile witnesses in court right? Well I would like to declare Pursey as a hostile guest blogger. Ouch! She’s pushing me off the keyboard…
I had high hopes for my weekend with Paige. She assured Lori, my rightful owner, I would be treated to a fabulous snow vacation. She tempted me with talk of great meals, phenomenal wine and wild company (you know how I love to have a good time)!
I arrived on Wednesday and things started out well. Within an hour of my arrival, Paige whisked my off to the salon for a little “maintenance”. I thought it was a good sign that Paige understood my grooming needs and that with constant travel, a purse needs a little attention from time to time.
The next morning we popped into her dentist office. I really appreciated Paige’s attention to detail when it came to my maintenance. I also thought, any gal who was the meticulous about getting ready for vacation was going to treat me to one fabulous trip…
Thursday night, Paige took me out for sushi and introduced me to another bag. This bag was “nice” but I clearly outshined her and she refused to sake bomb! Paige drank diet coke and we were home by 9:00… booorrrinnnggg.
We left Friday morning for the snow. The cabin was lovely. You couldn’t even call it a cabin. It was four bedroom vacation home on almost an acre. They had received a huge snowfall and everything was a picturesque white – all the better for showing off my sequins! BUT, all the snowfall had left the neighborhood without power for TWO DAYS! For those of you who are not as savvy as me, that means there was no heat in the house! Paige was considerate and left me and the kids in the car with the heater until she had built a fire. However, the power did not come back on all night!!! Paige and her family had to sleep on the floor in front of the fire under millions of blankets to stay warm. Sure, she put me close enough to the fire keep me warm, but not close enough to melt me. But where was my blanket?! And I had to sleep on the floor! The conditions were sub-par for celebrity like me! Oh, and p.s.- everyone was too cold to put a dent in the case of wine they brought – we went to bed at 10:00. Booorrrinnngg and fffrreeezzziinnnggg!
The power came on in the middle of night and the morning seemed much brighter. The house was warm and everyone was happy. I heard talk of making up for one rough night. Hallelujah, I was in desperate need of some fun! Then, just as the coffee was being made (I was hoping for a latte), the power went out again! What kind of place did Lori send me?! Did she not ask about contingency power plans?!
Paige and her group decided to make the best of it, we went out to breakfast and then headed to the slopes. As we drove there, I imagined how absolutely fabulous I would look skiing. The sun dancing on my sequins, the snow complementing my pattern. I knew I would be the most fabulous purse on the mountain. I would love the exhilaration of zipping down the hill, I would love the adrenaline rush, I would love the hot totties in the lodge. I WOULD HAVE LOVED TO HAVE NOT BEEN LEFT IN THE CAR!
Apparently, Paige’s husband was worried I would get wet in the snow. He didn’t think Paige could manage me and the camera hag (I mean camera bag). Since they “had” to have pictures of the kids skiing, they decided my snow pictures would be later in the day. I got upstaged by an ugly canvas navy and black camera hag. I will not post a picture, she is SO beneath me.
When the finally returned to the car, they were stuck in the snow. Ha ha ha – karma’s a bitch isn’t it Paige. I laughed as they tried multiple times to get their four-wheel drive truck out of the snow. They finally got us free and we headed for the cabin. We arrived to find NO POWER. While I am pissed about being left in the car, I was relived that Paige was so decisive, she packed up the car and we headed for home. They were in such a hurry to get escape what was clearly hell frozen over, they took NO pictures of me in the snow!
After spending all Sunday at Paige’s house watching her unpack and do laundry, I tried to get on her computer and tweet for help. I was hoping one of my fans would come rescue me, but alas, Paige had not plugged her laptop in yet, I was cut off from the world.
Just when I thought I would die of boredom, I heard Paige on the phone setting up a dirt bike riding trip. Are you kidding me?! Motorcycles?! I love motorcycles! I love anything that goes fast! We arrived Monday at a real log cabin and a private dirt bike track. Okay, this is how I should be treated! I am a VIP! And Paige was a doting hostess (she knew she had ground to make up with me). She took me wherever she was, she introduced me to everybody, she brought me out to sit in the sun, drink wine and watch the bikes. People lined up to take pictures with me, I once again felt like the diva I am.
I couldn’t wait for my ride on a quad or dirt bike. I was anticipating the speed, the jumps, and how good I would look doing it! But Paige’s husband, my sworn enemy, again worried about my ‘well-being’. He said the track was too muddy for me to have even a short ride.
I could forgive the no power, cold weather debacle. I could learn to get over being left in the car at the ski resort, but denying me a motorcycle ride is unforgivable.
[Paige fights her way back onto the keyboard.]
Ha ha ha, Pursey, if you think not being allowed on the dirt bike was frustrating. I guess you forgot about our errand on Sunday, you know the trip to Walmart you don’t want to admit to (Pursey is such a Target girl). Well don’t worry, honey, I have got the evidence:
Purse, what do you say we call the weekend a much-needed grooming and resting weekend for you? In return I’ll never post this picture on Bag, Borrow or Steal.
Fine Paige, you win.
I have never claimed to be balanced. I never pretend to have it all figured out. I admit that I am usually barely treading wine. But through
personal experience observation I have devised a checklist to determine if one is truly nuts…
- You think you can finally get caught up on your to-do list
with one really productive dayever.
- You contemplate a puppy, another baby, a new car and a planning a vacation on the same day.
- You can’t find your cell phone, so you ask a friend to call you. When you hear it ringing on your person, you ask the friend to hold their ear to your body to help figure out which pocket you put your phone in.
- You think that new Justin Bieber movie would be good for date night.
- You use your mom voice when talking to yourself.
- When you can’t find a sitter you convince yourself that the kids would be angels if you take them with you wine tasting.
- You ask your husband to get a vasectomy and hold on to baby gear just in case.
- You think the bright side of canceling a dinner date with your husband is that you get to clean behind the refrigerator.
- You think that your 6-year-old and 3-year-old are now mature enough to accompany you clothes shopping without causing a dismembered mannequin.
- You are planning to give up all alcohol and all sweets for Lent.
If you have experienced any of the above, pour yourself a glass of wine (or beer or chocolate milk) and join me at the Funny Farm.
Disclaimer: I am not a psychologist, tarot card reader, bartender or other professional. This post is for entertainment only and should not be used to treat a mental health condition or ridicule its writer. If you think you might really be crazy, seek professional help, then give them my address.
I love Valentine’s Day.
I love donning an outfit of pink and red.
I love to pick out cards for my kids and my husband.
I love planning a special dinner and eating a decadent dessert.
I love attending my kids’ class parties.
I love my husband and my kids.
I love celebrating love.
But this year…
I love that I have a sinister cold.
I love that I have a zit between my nose and my upper lip from the lotion kleenex that hurts when I used it.
I love that my hair is dirty (and needs a color touch up), my nose is red and my Valentine’s Day outfit is grey sweats.
I love that the antibiotics are making me so sick that I will be having brown rice for dinner.
I love that my husband and I are cancelling our romantic dinner because I am too sick to enjoy it.
I love that my husband bought cards for the kids from both of us, flowers for our nanny, flowers for our son’s teacher and cards for me, despite the fact that I did nothing.
I love that my son contorted himself into the shape of a heart when I told him he was my valentine.
I love that my daughter offered to share he prized chocolate heart with me because she loves me ( I let her keep it – yes I love her that much!)
I love that my kids had great Valentine’s Day despite my calamities.
I love that the perfect gift for my husband could be purchased next door to the pharmacy I went to this morning. (A little late, but gift and card acquired).
I love that my husband had Sherry’s Berries delivered to me at noon.
I love that he had roses delivered to me at 4:30.
I love that he loves me despite my mucous, upset stomach and many short-comings.
I love being married to a man who loves to love, loves unconditionally and knows chocolate cures almost everything.
I love being this lucky.
My name is Paige and I am an addict. I have alluded to it before, but I have a problem with sweets. It is time for an intervention, so I am checking myself into the Betty Crocker Clinic.
What?! There is not a Betty Crocker Clinic?! It’s the Betty Ford Clinic and it’s not for sweets?
Yeah, I like alcohol too, but not as much as sweets.
Now what I do…
Addiction… intervention… 12 steps…
Brilliant! Here are the official 12 steps and my commentary.
- We admitted we were powerless over
alcoholsweets—that our lives had become unmanageable. Um, yeah, check. We have to bake extra cupcakes to ensure there are enough for my kids’ schools because my cravings come first.
- Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Agreed, that Power is butter, sugar and cocoa – all made by God.
- Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. Totally happy to turn my will and life over to God, what kind of oven does He have? Does He use a hand mixer or a whisk?
- Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Which led to the discovery that I was out of butter.
- Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. I am telling all of you.
- Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. Can He remove the fat from cupcakes too?
- Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. As long as He doesn’t remove the shortening.
- Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. Does this include making amends for stealing my kids Halloween candy? I am not sure I am ready for that…
- Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. If I have to hand over the chocolate, somebody might get hurt.
- Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. I think inventory is essential, if I am wrong, how will I make cookies?
- Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. There’s a dessert called Heavenly Bars, I think that if I eat those while praying, my contact with God should be rock solid.
- Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to
alcoholicssweets-aholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. The bakery kicked me out when I tried to spread the good word.
Wow, I think that was totally helpful. Maybe I don’t need the Betty Crocker Clinic.
But if I did, what would it be like…
If I built it, would you come?
This sums it up:
I am still treading wine, but drowning more than drinking. I just returned from two back to back business trips. I realize many people travel every week for work, across countries and continents – they’re amazing, I am not. I am tired and my body hurts from lugging my ginormous (technical term) laptop all over the place in heels. I was ready to spend some time at home and get back to normal, then my old pal Murphy (as in Murphy’s Law) showed up…
My little diva has been sick for the past couple of days with a 103.5 fever and sleep
disrupting killing cough. I have tried to catch up on work and home life while “functioning” on 2 hours of sleep over two days. (Why was this so much easier when the kids were babies??? Don’t say I am getting old - I am fragile and can’t take that right now!)
Here are the signs that things were slipping in my world:
- There was soy sauce and wine on the table, I meant to put soy sauce on my brown rice…
- I put a carton of milk in the dryer – of course I didn’t turn it on (because my husband walked up)
- I lost my son’s homework, my daughter’s valentine’s and my… (I can’t even remember the other thing!) all in one day! They were all found, including the thing I don’t remember losing, by somebody else.
There are plenty more examples, like my inability to string a sentence together to save my life, but I think you get the drift. I have hit the proverbial wall and it is not made of cheese, chocolate or wine corks.
I told my friend this morning, “I just need to get organized and catch up on everything and I will be fine”. This sent her into hysterical laughter. I am pretty sure my friends only keep me around for the entertainment value. She gently reminded me that being “caught up” might be too ambitious and I would miss all the fun in the meantime.
So guess what I did?
At 12:05 I was sitting in my home office, in my pajamas, unshowered and decided to meet a friend for lunch. This gal is rarely in town and was 10 minutes from my house. I looked at my work email, my to-do listsssss (did you catch the emphasis on the plural lists) and walked away. I set a new record for fastest shower and walked out the door at 12:10. mostly clean, no make-up and a big smile.
I have to tell you a spontaneous lunch out is incredibly therapeutic. The to-do listssss continue to grow, but I am no longer drowning, because really, what is more important - expense reports or lunch with a great friend?
I knew you’d agree.
How do you keep your head above water?