While my husband was on his guys trip this weekend, I stayed home with the kids. I was thrilled to have no schedule to adhere to other than one soccer game. I had planned to just relax with my kids, until I had the brilliant idea to do some shopping for my upcoming trip to New York. Here are the effects of my bright idea…
- While wearing flip-flops I had my foot run over by my insistent cart drivers SIX times
- They opened the dressing room door, exposing my semi-naked body, TWICE
- My daughter did “snow angels” on the floor of Ross – hello bath time!
- I fed my kids two chocolate milks, two LARGE cookies, hotdogs and popcorn in an undisclosed order…
- I had to bribe with a toy submarine, a Dora backpack, and two dollar-bin masks, AFTER say, I would not buy them anything
- I ran into someone I knew at the exact moment I was hissing at my kids that they had better behave or else
- I “temporarily” lost the car keys
- I was impressed by my kids creativity when they devised dressing room games including
- Different ways to wear a strapless bra and underwear (picture underwear on their heads with sunglasses over it)
- How to turn plastic hangers into weapons
- How high can they throw the tags that tell how many items I have in the dressing room
- I almost inadvertently shoplifted when I found a bracelet in my purse, as I was pulling out my wallet at the register, that my daughter had decided she wanted
- I have come up with a new mommy threat – “Be good or I will take you clothes shopping with me”
I have friends and family who would have watched the kids, but I decided I was supermom and could handle a few errands with the kids. Isn’t it great how life reminds us that we there is no such thing as supermom?
First, a confession. I have told you in the past that I have seen the Twilight movies, but I love Twilight, Sookie Stackhouse and True Blood, Black Dagger Brotherhood and The Gates. To make this statement requires me to swallow my pride. When Twilight fist came out, I teased my friends for reading teeny-bopper books. I told them I am not into vampires. Then I read Twilight and was hooked on the series. But I maintained that it was just those books and I would not read any other vamp books… Well, clearly, I ate those words.
As I was watching True Blood last night, it occurred to me that my children have all the same powers as vampires, so I can only surmise that vampires do exist. Here’s the “proof”:
- Vampires defy gravity with their jumping and sometimes flying abilities – My son scaled the dressing room wall at Target Saturday to retrieve a toy I took away from him. He regularly climbs door jams and other objects for sport.
- Vampires suck the life out of you by sucking your blood – My children have one up on the vamps here – they can suck the life out of me without even leaving a puncture mark.
- Vampires keep odd hours, awake at night and sleeping during the day- My children enjoy keeping me awake at night and then recharging their batteries during the day, while I struggle through work sleepless.
- Vampires can glamour you to erase unwanted memories- Vampires have to learn this trick. My kids started erasing my unpleasant memories the day they were born. 6 hours of labor while waiting for an epidural – that must be a rumor, I don’t remember that. When they have been naughty or unruly, they simply come up, snuggle me and whisper I love you in their cutest voice and I am putty in their little supernatural hands.
So yes, I believe in vampires now, but I am not afraid of them. I know a vampire is no match for my kids!
If you’re not fan of discussions regarding bodily functions – stop reading now and come back tomorrow.
I recently read a post about “The ‘Out of Closet’ Pooper” that I found hilarious. I feel compelled to state that I am not normally a bathroom humor kind of girl, but the reality of some situations are funny regardless of the topic. What struck me as I read about how to successfully poop at work without getting caught is how motherhood has changed me on this topic. Pooping at work would be a welcome change to having my kids watch and ask if they can help me wipe!
I used to be embarrassed to poop in public places and I certainly never discussed these topics publicly, but for me it’s true that once you have kids, you lose all modesty. My biggest fear when I gave birth to my first child (aside from a safe delivery) was pooping during labor. This concerned me more than any amount of pain that I might have to endure. Thankfully, it didn’t happen (really, I would tell you at this point), but if it had, it would have been the perfect motherhood initiation.
Kids will say and do anything, anywhere, anytime. They also love to follow their parents into the bathroom. (Why don’t they ever follow me into the kitchen during meals?!) So I have become accustomed to discussing personal topics in very public places (like the checkout line at Target). Everything from “Mommy, why does Sissy have a vagina?” to “Did that man just fart?” and my all time favorite in a crowded public restroom, “Mom, are you going to poop?”
Once you’re an “ass butler” to your children, as Lori Dyan calls it, and poop and pee become the center of all conversations, you are also subject to discussing these intimate habits in public. But you know what, who cares? Everybody poops, some just hide it better than others.
My husband left today for a guys’ house boating trip. I was thinking tonight about the stark difference between his boys’ weekend and a girls’ weekend with my friends. Allow me to compare:
- His trip: 3 days of house boating
- My trip: A weekend in Napa
- His luggage: a backpack and toothbrush
- My luggage: Rollerboard, large tote bag, make-up case and purse
- His shoes: Flip flops
- My shoes: 2 pairs of flip-flops, running shoes, 2 pairs of wedges and heels
- His activities: Skiing, wakeboarding, drinking
- My activities: Wine tasting, spa treatments, pool time, shopping, eating (yes for us, it qualifies as an activity) and drinking
- His time spent getting ready: 45 seconds to brush his teeth (which is optional)
- My time spent getting ready: 90 minutes if I hurry
- His conversations: boats, trucks, work
- My conversations: CENSORED
- His bedtime: 11:00 pm
- My bedtime: 2:00 am
- His cost: $150
- My cost: More than $150… no exact figures if I hope to do it again someday!
I hope he is having a wonderful time and knows that I am planning a girls trip as I write this!
I attended my daughter’s preschool back to school night this evening. This means, getting to know a new group of parents, some of which have their oldest in preschool. New parents always worry me because they may not have given up their ideals and sanity yet. They say admirable things like, “How do we know what our kids learned in school today so I can ask my child about it?” I respect this, but the easy way out is “what did you do, what did you learn and what was your favorite part”? They are still trying to do everything right (bless their hearts). I have to say, all of the moms I met seem very nice and down to earth, but time will tell who is as off-balanced as me. I have decided to show them the “real me” as early as possible in hopes of bringing them to the dark-side of reality parenting. Or maybe they are already there…
Last summer, there was an evening when I had too much to liquid fun and I was acting like a child. I was throwing food at my friends (trying to start a food fight, not out of malice) and generally acting silly. My husband was getting irritated with me (how could this be?!) . I turned to my group of friends and proclaimed, “This is the real me!”. I will never live that quote down, but I have also embraced it in many ways. Here’s more about the “real” me. Yes, it’s another list of confessions.
- I loathe the idea of owning a dog. My kids want one very badly and I am dead set against it. When I hear dog, I think hair, fleas, chewed up furniture, doggie breath and more responsibility. It is a threat to my precarious life balance. Don’t get me wrong, I like dogs – when they belong to other people! I am also not a huge fan of overnight dog guests, but have made exceptions for my dearest friends. (Devon – I am high-fiving you right now).
- I let my kids eat food they have dropped on the ground (there’s no dog to clean it up). Correction, I tell my kids they have to eat what they drop, because I am not giving them more. Now, this is only in my house, when the floors are reasonably clean, and maybe outside if it’s not too public of an area…
- I love the idea of playdates that involve cocktails. I NEVER drink when I am responsible for someone elses children AT ALL and I never have more than one if my husband is out-of-town. This is not a joke and if you drink while watching my kids, you will learn about mama bear. But, if you bring your little one over in the afternoon and you’re staying and want to have a beer with me, that is my kind of playdate!
- I am perfectly comfortable letting my children’s teachers be responsible for their learning. I will do all the homework and read to them, but frankly, I am exhausted at night and do not feel compelled to do extra credit as a mom. I am glad there are professionals to ensure my kids are brilliant.
- I recycle, but I drive a diesel SUV, do not compost, never made my own baby food, use disposable diapers and pull-ups and loved having drugs to ease the pain of labor.
- I bake the bread for church, but mostly to make up for how often I miss Mass (meaning mostly absent) and to see a friend who I never get to see unless it is baking time.
- I don’t like cold water so I spend more time watching my kids swim than swimming with them.
- I cannot do math. Period.
What’s the real you? You can tell me, I promise to use a fake name when I blog about it!
I am currently on business travel. I got up at 4:00 am yesterday morning (don’t ask me how I feel about this) and was at my destination by 9:30 in the morning. I travel approximately once per month to the same location. My destination and itinerary have become familiar and I am typically on auto-pilot for the duration of the trip. Herein lies the problem – as I was driving from the airport to the office, I was on auto-pilot and almost took the wrong freeway. This reminded me of previous business trips mishaps that were more amusing than getting on the wrong freeway. So here are three in order of mildly amusing to so funny that if you’re not laughing, there might be something wrong with you.
Mildly Amusing (though not at the time):
I did my 4:00 am wake up call and flew in, I worked all day in the office, correction, I worked until 9:30 pm in the office. I then drove two blocks to my hotel, desperate to crash. I gave my rental car to the valet. I normally self-park, but was so tired, I decided not to bother. I stumbled into the hotel blurry eyed and on fumes. I went up to the front desk, threw my corporate card and elite card on the desk like I owned the place and hoped they could get me to my room before I slept in the lobby. I didn’t notice at first that he was typing more than usual. Finally, he said, “Mrs. Morgan, I am sorry, but are you sure you have a reservation?” What?! I physically shook my head hoping it would help me process his question. It dawned on me that I was in town for a conference and had not made my own travel arrangements… It turned out my hotel was 30 minutes away and it was now approaching 10:00 at night (remember, I got up at 4:00 am). I now had to rescue my bags from the bellman, wait 15 minutes for the valet to bring my car back and head to the correct hotel. I was tired and frustrated; so as a further poke from the universe, my GPS wasn’t working. I got lost three times trying to find my hotel! When I finally got into my room, sometime after 11:00, I turned on my computer to cancel my early morning call and my laptop died!
Same trip as above (I should have stayed home!). I checked out of the correct hotel to fly home. I had asked the valet to have my car waiting because I was going to be cutting it close, having a morning meeting before I scurried to catch my flight home. I ran out of my morning meeting, handed some money and my ticket to the valet, grabbed my keys and headed for the airport. Halfway to the airport, I went to turn on the radio and thought, ‘hmm, that’s funny, I could have sworn the button was on the other side’. I ignored the feeling for a few minutes, then on a hunch, I looked at the key chain, it said Avis, my rental company, so I kept driving. It was still bugging me, so I grabbed the rental car agreement and flipped it over – “WHO THE HELL IS D. SMITH (name changed to protect the victim) and why do I have their tag?!!!” I had taken the wrong rental car! At this point, I am one mile from the airport. If I turned around, I would certainly miss my flight. For me that was not an option, because I wanted to get home to see my kids! I called the hotel valet from the car and made them stay on the phone while I pulled into rental car return. I did what I do best – I put on my biggest apologetic smile and started talking. I explained that the valet gave me the wrong car and I was going to miss my flight and inquired if could just return the one I had. I was in luck, because I had no personal belongs in my car and D. Smith had no belongings in the car I “stole”. The hotel tracked him down, we made a deal and I flew home. As a side note, I am sure you all assume it was the same car in the same color – uh, no. Two different foreign four door cars, one was silver, the other champagne. Oops, I now try get electric blue cars whenever possible!
This was not my brilliance, but certainly wins. A friend of mine was on a sales trip and had been at a big, wine-filled dinner with clients. He stumbled into bed pie-eyed and bordering on incoherent. In the middle of the night, nature called and he staggered out of bed, headed for the bathroom. Still drunk, he walked through the door and then the door closed with a click. He had gone out the door to his room! And, he sleeps naked! (His wife told me the story, I do not know the sleeping attire of my male friends). He now has two problems – the urgent need to pee and he is locked out of his room in the middle of the night, naked! Solution one: he pee’d in the drain of the ice machine. As he is figuring out problem two, he hears the elevator door open and he throws his naked 6 foot tall, football player frame against the hallway wall in hopes of being missed… He gets lucky and uses the house phone to call the front desk. While waiting for security to come up, he finds an unlocked housekeeping closet and grabs a towel that is just enough to cover the ‘public display of indecency’ parts. When the security guard comes up, he averts his eye, keeps the verbal exchange short and files workman’s comp the next day I am sure.
Whether your work brings in a paycheck or raises a family, we all have those times when auto-pilot (or too much wine) gets the best of us. Remember that when someone steals your rental car or you see a naked guy in a hotel.
I have loved you since my 21st birthday when we met on a wine tasting trip. We have had a great relationship, with the occasional quarrels. During those rough patches you made me crazy, even sick to my stomach because your love was too strong, but I kept coming back. We have had fun and made many wonderful memories.
But, my beloved, I have changed. It’s not you, it’s me. My tolerance for you has changed. I used to be able to enjoy your whole bottle, without consequence. But now, I sleep poorly after seeing you. I find mornings difficult when I spend the evening, or even two glasses with you. I am also no longer immune to the bad influences of your dangerous friends, like dessert, who you seem to bring along on our dates. Based on the increasing frequency of regret the morning after we’re together, I must end the relationship.
But hey, we can still be friends. We can see each other occasionally, even spend an evening together from time to time, like friends with benefits. But our love affair is over. I need to see others that don’t leaving me feeling badly the next day. I have been spending more time with a pirate, a captain by the name of Morgan and his friend, a sailor named Jerry. They provide fun and relaxation, without the unpleasant quarrels and feelings of regret the next morning.
I do have some concerns about how limiting our relationship will affect our social circle. My friends are used to us being a couple, they enjoy you’re company when they spend time with me, but they’ll have to adjust. My husband is thrilled that I am putting boundaries on our relationship, because it allows him to spend more time (yet less money) with you.
Thank you for a fabulous love affair, I will always appreciate your complexity, variety and the joy you have brought me. I will eagerly anticipate our occasional encounters and will know that I have benefitted from our relationship.
I am not going to lie – I am a big fan of instant gratification. Just call me Veruca in “Charlie in the Chocolate Factory” – I want it now! One of my friends calls it the Sod-It Syndrome. She can’t wait for grass to grow, she would rather have sod. I could provide endless examples of my impatience and you know how I love a good list. However, I will refrain this time… nah!
- I sometimes inadvertently get drunk trying to reach the happy buzz place to quickly
- I have turned myself orange more than once trying to achieve a dark spray on tan in 24 hours that usually takes a week
- I invent scheduling conflicts to get my performance reviews back from my manager earlier.
- I, like most Americans, have done my share of accumulating debt in college because I couldn’t wait for a time when I could afford shopping (or excessive drinking)
- I researched the earliest pregnancy test because one extra day of waiting was too much for me
The irony is that it drives me nuts when my kids can’t be patient. Seriously, good things are worth the wait little pumpkins! (And do as mommy says, not as mommy does!)
So are you a seed or a sod person?
That was what one of my friends had for dinner last night, after shuttling hers kids home from activities.
As parents, almost everything we do is planned around our children’s schedule. We often inhale meals in between driving carpool, watching practices and helping with school projects. One of my “dinners” this week was two meat balls before soccer practice and a handful of pasta after practice – yes, I reached into the Tupperware, grabbed a handful of pasta and shoved it in my mouth. The irony is that my kids sat down at the table and ate a full meal while I raced around getting ready to be their chauffeur.
Not every night is chaos in our house, we try to have dinner as a family at the table most nights, but my kids are young. I am sure that it will be harder as they get older. I watch the SUVs and mini-vans drive in and out of the neighborhood all day long; busy parents getting kids to and from events right up until bedtime. Parents often have to divide and conquer in order to meet their children’s’ obligations.
So what’s more important - a family meal or extra-curricular activities? I guess it depends on how good the martini is.
In a recent post, I talked about I feel kids help my marriage. This may seem unusual to some, but I truly believe I can choose my perspective and response to life. Not every day is magic and love. I break under pressure, I consider sending my kids off to the circus and my husband to Antarctica, but I make choices. I chose to have kids and I choose to focus on the positive.
My husband and I did a couples counseling weekend before we got married and they said you will not be in love with your partner through your whole marriage, some days you will have to use your resolve and choose to love. I choose to love on the tough days. When I want to unleash my completely unbalanced side on my husband, I make a conscious decision to love him. I definitely do not feel in love with him at that moment, but I remind myself that our relationship is deeper than that. My choice to love him is what carries me through until I feel ”in love” again. I know that life is full of ups and downs. I use the ups to get me through the downs. I am confident that each chapter in my life will be different. I also now have a clever way of telling him I am angry with him the kids are present – when he hears me say “I am choosing to love you”, he knows he has set off my crazy side!
I used my “choose to love mantra” with a friend yesterday. She was having one of those days, she was arguing with her husband in front of her kids. She was at her wit’s end and didn’t provide the normal explanation to her kids that mommies and daddies fight, but still love each other. Instead, she had that moment where her head may have been capable of spinning around on her neck and she was driving the anger train! She needed fresh perspective. I reminded her that she has the ability to choose to love him.
- On a side note, imagine how annoying it must be to have a friend like me who interjects positivity and “choose to love” mantras when you’re pissed off and ready to come unglued. Maybe it’s not my advice that helps, but rather that her husband seems like a better ally then my Little Mary Sunshine personality (reminder: I have several personalities).
Back to the point – I believe that my marriage is strengthened by weathering the rocky periods. I look back on the ten years of my marriage and they haven’t all been as good as this one and I know there will be rough years in the future, but I’d rather be tested and pass than keep my marriage in a bubble. It’s a lot of work to choose happiness, positivity and love. It’s also a lot of work to be friends with me, but I have to hope that there is some goodness in both.